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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no?

225 replies

PieAllThePie · 14/06/2020 19:58

Try to keep it brief, my husband has children with his ex. Both are still working through lockdown.

My husband has been doing his best to sort work around his days with the children, taking annual / unpaid leave and I've been having them when he can't for his days. As I understand it, his exes partner was watching the kids on her days as he has been furloughed, like me.

He (exes partner) has now been told he needs to go back next week and so basically DHs ex is stuck for childcare on her days as there are no places at school.

She has asked if I will look after them on her days too, I am still furloughed.

DH doesn't really have anymore leave to take now and we could do with him not losing out on money taking unpaid leave so the idea was I would start looking after them on his days from now on. If I also look after them on his exes days, it will mean I'll have them Mon-Fri every week.

To be perfectly honest I don't want to do this. I don't mind helping the odd time but I really do not want to commit to every day, all day and everything that includes, school work etc ... I do get on with them well, but they can be difficult at the best of times and are playing up a bit at the moment due to lockdown and missing their friends which I understand but it's a nightmare just trying to get them to do anything when I do have them, like going on a walk or doing their work. And I don't want to now sacrifice the only days I have free to do things like go on a walk, do my food shopping, I've been doing some online training for when I'm back at work etc.

She has been quite difficult with us in the past as well so that is also making me reluctant to do this now. I also don't know when I'll be asked to go back to work although they've hinted that it may not be until after August so this could be a long term arrangement if I agreed which tbh I just don't like the thought of.

She has parents that live close by, whilst I appreciate it could be that they have underlying conditions I don't know about, I know they have been round to their house during lockdown as the kids have told us, and not socially distanced, grandma cut their hair etc...

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 14/06/2020 20:24

@FreeFromDinoMeat I don’t think it is, no.

FreeFromDinoMeat · 14/06/2020 20:25

her DP takes leave for the other?

Why should the exes partner take leave to look after her children? Why are we expecting everyone else to sort childcare for this woman. She should be the one taking leave to care for her kids, not expecting her partner and her exes partner to so she doesn't have to Confused

FreeFromDinoMeat · 14/06/2020 20:27

[quote user1473878824]@FreeFromDinoMeat I don’t think it is, no.[/quote]
Thankfully, I'm glad to see the vote doesn't agree with you.

Two people are responsible for their kids here. And OP isn't one of them. It'd be a wonderful offer but no way should it be expected.

bubbleup · 14/06/2020 20:29

@FreeFromDinoMeat no, you're absolutely right. I was just thinking of ways they could work together and it sounded like they all had that type of relationship. Of course she should take leave first!

In fact OP. Ignore my post, I was basing it on my own experiences

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 14/06/2020 20:30

I can't believe the shit you're getting for this. You're helping out your husband with childcare on his days, that's more than enough in your role as wife and stepmother. But their mother having her own childcare issues is not your problem. They are HER children and HER responsibility. You still have a life of your own.

DamnYankee · 14/06/2020 20:30

I would offer four days a week for now.
Use that day to do what you need to.
Let the ex sort one day a week. Maybe her parents will step up.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 14/06/2020 20:32

If you were just bf and gf I'd say yanbu but as he is your husband I think it's a bit unreasonable not to try and see if it works for a while. She probably hates having to ask you but doesnt have many options.
Ultimately you are not unreasonable not to but it's a really difficult time for everyone and you are family now.

FreeFromDinoMeat · 14/06/2020 20:33

You still have a life of your own

Did you not know? You're not allowed a life when you're a step mother. You come last in everything, if mum needs something and asks you to jump the only reasonable answer is to say yes ma'am and ask how high with a smile on you're face at all times Smile

FreeFromDinoMeat · 14/06/2020 20:33

Your*

Cfmcg900 · 14/06/2020 20:35

Absolutely not unreasonable to say no.

You’re already providing free childcare for your DP on his days. It’s very kind of you to help your DP which is what you do for your SO. You’re not in a relationship with the ex.

It’s up to the ex to sort childcare out for her days.

They chose to have children and they’re responsible. You’re not responsible.

FreeFromDinoMeat · 14/06/2020 20:36

The problem with 'just giving it a go' for me would be how easy would it really be to stop if OP found it too difficult once she'd started? She'd then be seen as unreasonable for changing her mind.

OllyBJolly · 14/06/2020 20:39

I would imagine that it’s in everyone’s best interest for your stepchildren’s parents to keep their jobs

This. There are times when you have to help each other out. We are currently living in a very unusual situation. When mine were younger (Independent adults now) I knew my X would do his best to help if I had a training course or family emergency or whatever. He was a rock when my DF was dying. His lovely then wife would also do her best. In return, I was flexible.

No obligation on you; it is for the parents to sort out. However, if that means he contributes to additional childcare costs to share the pain, then it makes sense to look at other solutions.

Wrenna · 14/06/2020 20:41

Nope his and her kids. They need to sort it out. Helping out fine but this isn’t just helping out! I don’t blame you at all!

FreeFromDinoMeat · 14/06/2020 20:42

His lovely then wife would also do her best. In return, I was flexible

Were you 'quite difficult' with your exHs wife before you needed her to help out though?

lucindalovescats · 14/06/2020 20:45

You are not being unreasonable this is a step too far. Just say you can't commit to 5 days. Covering your husbands days is enough.

octobersky19 · 14/06/2020 20:47

YANBU, is expect the ex to pay for some form of childcare now she has two full sets of income coming in, or probably help out 1-2 days a week.

Placesrobe7099292 · 14/06/2020 20:57

Personally for me, as a step mum, and parent to our own as well, it’s exceptional circumstances. Everyone has to dig in and do what they need to do.
I’d help out, so what if the ex has been a dick in the past. We’ve all been there at some point, but these times are hard. There is so much uncertainty, I’d help out. It isn’t forever.

BeNiceToYourSister · 14/06/2020 20:59

YANBU. A day or two per week would be very decent of you, or even Mon-Fri for a week or two while they sorted out childcare, but every weekday with no end in sight would be taking the piss!

rainbowstardrops · 14/06/2020 21:00

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You already look after the children when your partner is working and expecting you to have the children all week is taking the mickey.
I know you said you're not likely to go back to work until August but what would the ex do if you WERE at work and not available?
She'd have to sort something.
It'll be really hard to stop if you start this arrangement.

Chloemol · 14/06/2020 21:01

Interesting to see the usual you knew he was married comments. Yet on other posts SM are slated for getting involved in something and being told they should not as they are not the parent

Op did know children were involved, at 2/3 days a week and it’s the parents responsibility to look after them, she helps the father by covering for him, I dont see why she should cover the mother as well so she has responsibility 5 days a week

The mother needs to find another solution

1300cakes · 14/06/2020 21:07

I also hate the saying 'what would you do if they were your children'.

They aren't her children so it's irrelevant.

Yep, plus you could just as easily say 'what would they do if OP didn't exist/was currently working?' - clearly they'd work something out.

I'm sure you do have a good relationship with the children OP, and you want to keep it that way so don't get in to a childcare situation you feel resentful about.

LuaDipa · 14/06/2020 21:13

I wouldn’t. You are doing enough as it is. It’s up to the dc’s mother to arrange childcare on her time, but obviously it’s much cheaper and easier to ask you.

DwayneBenzie · 14/06/2020 21:16

Look at it like this, OP. Taxpayers are paying for you to sit on your tush on furlough. It’s in taxpayers’ interest to keep the other three people working. So perhaps you can stretch yourself a little in exchange for the economic support you’re receiving, and accept that this isn’t anywhere near a normal situation?
Also - you married him. That’s a commitment.

Just take the kids and if you don’t like it, get some work to fill in your days. You’re allowed to work on furlough as long as you’re available if your company needs you.

pinktaxi · 14/06/2020 21:24

You may have married DH and taken on him and his children, but they are not your children, and therefore you should not be expected to take them on over and above what would be normal. The odd week extra maybe, but not months. You do your fair share and it is up to the parents to sort something out. Not your responsibility

FreeFromDinoMeat · 14/06/2020 21:30

@DwayneBenzie

Look at it like this, OP. Taxpayers are paying for you to sit on your tush on furlough. It’s in taxpayers’ interest to keep the other three people working. So perhaps you can stretch yourself a little in exchange for the economic support you’re receiving, and accept that this isn’t anywhere near a normal situation? Also - you married him. That’s a commitment.

Just take the kids and if you don’t like it, get some work to fill in your days. You’re allowed to work on furlough as long as you’re available if your company needs you.

Sit on her tush? She's already doing multiple days a week childcare for her husband... Hmm