To say no?

[PieAllThePie]

Try to keep it brief, my husband has children with his ex. Both are still working through lockdown.

My husband has been doing his best to sort work around his days with the children, taking annual / unpaid leave and I've been having them when he can't for his days. As I understand it, his exes partner was watching the kids on her days as he has been furloughed, like me.

He (exes partner) has now been told he needs to go back next week and so basically DHs ex is stuck for childcare on her days as there are no places at school.

She has asked if I will look after them on her days too, I am still furloughed.

DH doesn't really have anymore leave to take now and we could do with him not losing out on money taking unpaid leave so the idea was I would start looking after them on his days from now on. If I also look after them on his exes days, it will mean I'll have them Mon-Fri every week.

To be perfectly honest I don't want to do this. I don't mind helping the odd time but I really do not want to commit to every day, all day and everything that includes, school work etc ... I do get on with them well, but they can be difficult at the best of times and are playing up a bit at the moment due to lockdown and missing their friends which I understand but it's a nightmare just trying to get them to do anything when I do have them, like going on a walk or doing their work. And I don't want to now sacrifice the only days I have free to do things like go on a walk, do my food shopping, I've been doing some online training for when I'm back at work etc.

She has been quite difficult with us in the past as well so that is also making me reluctant to do this now. I also don't know when I'll be asked to go back to work although they've hinted that it may not be until after August so this could be a long term arrangement if I agreed which tbh I just don't like the thought of.

She has parents that live close by, whilst I appreciate it could be that they have underlying conditions I don't know about, I know they have been round to their house during lockdown as the kids have told us, and not socially distanced, grandma cut their hair etc...

And has already been pointed out several times, furloughed workers are still contributing to said public services through.... Tax. Just like every other worker.

@GunthersHair

And has already been pointed out several times, furloughed workers are still contributing to said public services through.... Tax. Just like every other worker.

Yup so maybe that tax makes contribution towards their normal day to day costs. But how can anyone possibly argue that the tax they’re paying on their furlough-funded wages pays for said wages Tax is paid at 20% or 40% so you’re keeping far more of it than you’re paying back in tax! I’m genuinely confused that anyone could think their tax payments cover their furlough, or am I totally misunderstanding your argument?

Nobody is. We're all pointing out we've paid tax since we all started to work as have those furloughed. Not paying tax on furlough

The point is, furloughed people have had no choice in the matter. It's not their fault they aren't able to work right now. A couple of paid months off work in the middle of a pandemic shouldn't have conditions attached to it.

I wouldn't do it tbh. Homeschooling reluctant children is a PITA which I know from my own little darlings if I could fob them off on somebody else for a bit I'd do it in a heartbeat :) I don't think her childcare issues are your problem so I'd definitely say you're committed to doing X days training per week.

I wouldn't do it op. YANBU. You're doing more than enough covering your DH's days. It's up to their mother to cover hers. No way would I do it.

OP, I think it would be good to offer a day or two whatever leaves you with a day to yourself. If nothing else do it to demonstrate good will for next time she turns nasty.

HOWEVER, I would insist schoolwork being optional (!) and how the kids spent the day with you is also entirely up to you as well while they are in your care (8h on the PlayStation; chocolate for breakfast....all good).

I sometimes have to force my children to get on with schoolwork. There are tears and tantrums.
I would not be happy if someone else forced my children to do something they don't want to do. I do it, because they are my children and I pick my battles with them.

Battling with them on a daily basis might only strain your relationship with them as well as with their mum.

So look after them but make sure it's positive, easy and leaves you and the children happy at the end of the day.

That would be the only way I would contemplate offering her a day (and frankly also applies to the days you are doing on DHs behalf)!!!!!!!

If nothing else do it to demonstrate good will for next time she turns nasty.

Nasty people are nasty. They don’t have good Will and there is absolutely no point in trying to encourage it.

Absolutely @MzHz.

In fact, I’ve found that nasty people just get worse of you try to keep them on side. It’s like a license to take the piss even more for most of them.

Would the consensus be the same if it was the father asking this? I doubt it.

Look after them op but with the caveat that if they don't listen to you (re school work etc) you won't enforce it, you'll literally just keep them alive. Feed and keep safe. The rest is up to them.

Normally, it's 'you aren't their parent, butt out', 'they have two parents already' 🙄

YANBU at all. You didn't marry the man so you can become everyone's childcare. You're kind enough to take care of them on his days. No way should you have sole responsibility 5 days a week, that's incredibly unreasonable of them to ask.

No I wouldn't do it.

@OlaEliza

Normally, it's 'you aren't their parent, butt out', 'they have two parents already' 🙄

Yeah but this time it's mum who needs a favour so OP should do it without complaint, smiling at all times.

Well there you have it OP...77% think YANBU. Bet she’s kicking herself for being an arsehole to you now!

Would the consensus be the same if it was the father asking this? I doubt it.

Obviously not. They’re his children. So, if he was annoyed at his ex for expecting him to look after them while on furlough, he’d quite rightly have had his arse handed to him.

Or if you mean, if it were the father asking the OP: he’d still be in the wrong for expecting his wife to provide childcare so his ex doesn’t need to use her annual leave. She’s been doing childcare for him in his days anyway so he should be bloody grateful.

And if it were about a stepfather, I’m pretty sure no one would have asked or expected him to have the kids FT anyway. Because he’s not a woman and therefore childcare isn’t really what he signed up to.

I think the only fair comparison would be if the mum posted here that her ex had asked that her partner (step father) looked after the kids 5 days a week on his days so he could go to work.

I imagine the overwhelming opinion would be that dad would have to find and pay for, childcare as they aren't mum's partners responsibility.

Bear in mind that the furlough rules are changing in July and you could get called in part time or even full time. You need to emphasise both to your partner and the ex that they need a Plan B that can be put into operation at short notice.

Thanks all. I've decided to say no after having a think about it and a chat with my husband.

I don't want this to ruin my relationship with the DSC and I think this will be the best way to make sure that doesn't happen. I am already finding the days I am doing hugely stressful and just the thought of increasing it to full time makes me feel shit and I imagine it wouldn't take long before I really started to hate it and feel resentful. That isn't what I want.

I'm not sure what she is going to do instead but DH has messages her this evening and said that it won't work unfortunately as I have things to do on the other days, so we will see.

It's also made my mind up as a few of my colleagues have been called back to work today. It seems they may be doing some sort of fazed return for those of us on furlough so I couldn't say with any guarantee that I won't be asked to go back sooner than I thought.

I think you made the right choice.

Did she moan when he told her no?

I see you’ve come to a decision and hope it all works out well. I just had a thought that might equally help if you are struggling with the DSC when looking after them for your DH, which is to treat (some of) the days you are covering as weekends ie not putting yourself under pressure to do the home learning. Your DH can do that bit at the weekend if need be. There’d still be plenty of time for quality time with his DC, he’d just be sharing in rather more of the hard graft. Which is fair enough since they’re his DC!

Good for you Pie. I’m glad you we able to enforce your boundaries and find a tactful way out

Don't do it. They are her days and her responsibility - once you've done it you will simply be expected to step in any time she can't be bothered to make arrangements. Some posters seem to think you become a full time nanny when you have step children, this is not the case. You don't need to be mean about it, however, just say you have other commitments.

Thanks all. I've decided to say no after having a think about it and a chat with my husband.
Phew! Thank goodness @PieAllThePie.

It really is the best solution for you and your DH's Ex Will now need to sort this out yourself. It really was cheeky of her to ask you (and your husband shouldn't have asked you either, really) but I'm glad it's sorted.

Just make a mental note to day "no" earlier if something similar pops up again at another date. 🌹

Oops. Not "sort this out yourself." But HERSELF.