To say no?

[PieAllThePie]

Try to keep it brief, my husband has children with his ex. Both are still working through lockdown.

My husband has been doing his best to sort work around his days with the children, taking annual / unpaid leave and I've been having them when he can't for his days. As I understand it, his exes partner was watching the kids on her days as he has been furloughed, like me.

He (exes partner) has now been told he needs to go back next week and so basically DHs ex is stuck for childcare on her days as there are no places at school.

She has asked if I will look after them on her days too, I am still furloughed.

DH doesn't really have anymore leave to take now and we could do with him not losing out on money taking unpaid leave so the idea was I would start looking after them on his days from now on. If I also look after them on his exes days, it will mean I'll have them Mon-Fri every week.

To be perfectly honest I don't want to do this. I don't mind helping the odd time but I really do not want to commit to every day, all day and everything that includes, school work etc ... I do get on with them well, but they can be difficult at the best of times and are playing up a bit at the moment due to lockdown and missing their friends which I understand but it's a nightmare just trying to get them to do anything when I do have them, like going on a walk or doing their work. And I don't want to now sacrifice the only days I have free to do things like go on a walk, do my food shopping, I've been doing some online training for when I'm back at work etc.

She has been quite difficult with us in the past as well so that is also making me reluctant to do this now. I also don't know when I'll be asked to go back to work although they've hinted that it may not be until after August so this could be a long term arrangement if I agreed which tbh I just don't like the thought of.

She has parents that live close by, whilst I appreciate it could be that they have underlying conditions I don't know about, I know they have been round to their house during lockdown as the kids have told us, and not socially distanced, grandma cut their hair etc...

@Rainycloudyday

I kind of think that people who are being paid furlough out of the government’s pocket should all be doing something to ‘earn’ that debt to society, if they aren’t looking after their kids (homeschooling IMO is paying back the furlough and then some!)

Probably an unpopular opinion but I hate hearing about how people on furlough are acting like it’s all a great holiday-it’s quite possibly going to destroy the economy of this country for years to come. Can you not see looking after your step children as your ‘job’ while you’re being fortunate enough to get furlough payment, which makes your husband and their mother able to go to work, pay taxes and contribute something to the economy? Everyone wants something for free but the buck has to stop somewhere with this furlough scheme.

You understand that people on furlough still pay tax right? You do know that don't you?

I’m not trying to offend anyone or insinuate that they shouldnt be paid furlough-they absolutely should. I just don’t see an issue with asking those who can to do something useful for society in return. I’m not quite sure why that’s such an abhorrent suggestion that warrants me being told to fuck off

The benefits system is a whole different issue and not one that’s relevant to this thread. For what it’s worth I do think that those ok job seekers’ benefits should be required to volunteer for part time hours in return, benefitting their skills development and CV while remaining used to a working schedule and leaving plenty of time for job hunting. But no doubt that makes me an evil heartless dictator who is advocating a return to the workhouse

Look, the furlough scheme was 100% necessary and I know many people would much rather be at work. I just don’t appreciate some people (note the word ‘some’) yammering on about drinking cocktails in their gardens at the government’s expense while we’re in a time of unprecedented national crisis. It’s not exactly the spirit displayed during previous world wars, for example, is it?

I just don’t appreciate some people (note the word ‘some’) yammering on about drinking cocktails in their gardens at the government’s expense while we’re in a time of unprecedented national crisis

Did I miss the part where OP yammered on about drinking cocktails?

I thought she was already doing multiple days childcare a week for her husband and doing training courses for her job on the others?

Anyway I don’t want to derail the thread, so I’ll leave it there. Look after your step kids or not OP, it’s up to you. Just bear in mind how your husband may feel about the situation while he’s still out at work and be prepared for him to remember a lack of support from you at this time.

@GunthersHair

I just don’t appreciate some people (note the word ‘some’) yammering on about drinking cocktails in their gardens at the government’s expense while we’re in a time of unprecedented national crisis

Did I miss the part where OP yammered on about drinking cocktails?

I thought she was already doing multiple days childcare a week for her husband and doing training courses for her job on the others?

Oh for goodness sake I wasn’t talking about the Op! Justvthe principle that furlough payments shouldn’t be for nothing! I’m out.

People don't need to do anything useful for society "in return." The furloughed people pay their taxes, that's enough. A couple of months off work will hardly make a difference.

Look at the thread yesterday where it was suggested that people could volunteer 2 hours a day to childmind for their community. The vast majority of posters did not want to spend their time babysitting children that weren't theirs, and that was only a couple of hours, not 5 days a week.

If you weren't talking about the OP then what's the relevance? OP is doing something, or 'earning her keep' as you'd maybe put it. By taking on her husband's days.

You understand that people on furlough still pay tax right? You do know that don't you?

Yes. I’m also capable of the basic maths that tells me they’re receiving more than they’re paying in currently

Right, now I really am out!

Look after your step kids or not OP, it’s up to you. Just bear in mind how your husband may feel about the situation while he’s still out at work and be prepared for him to remember a lack of support from you at this time.

Do you have reading problems?! The OP is taking on all the childcare ON HER HUSBANDS TIME. So what bloody right would he have to not think she's pulling her weight?

Well you seem to be suggesting that they don't contribute to society at all which I'm just pointing out is incorrect as they are still paying tax like everyone else.

And people always receive more pay than they put in to the system.

It's not her husband she isn't supporting. It's his ex. Which she isn't obliged to do. Especially if that ex has been an arse in the past.

Even if I agreed that people who’ve been furloughed should ‘give something back’ to somehow atone for daring to work for a company that’s furloughed them (which I don’t), I don’t see why she owes her husband’s ex childcare just so she doesn’t have to use her annual leave to look after her own children. Surely there are far more deserving causes than a woman who objects to ‘playing families’ (unless it suits her)?

I don’t even agree that the OP should have to provide all the childcare for her DH during his own time with his children. It’s nice that she’s been willing to do this. But, honestly, it is a favour she’s doing him rather than some sort of obligation that was in the small print of her wedding vows.

You are NOT allowed to work whilst on furlough as one PP mentioned. You can undertake some training or volunteer work but only with your employers permission.

I would only offer what you feel comfortable with, maybe one day, and grandparents some days.

A parent—biological, adopted, step—is a parent all the time, not just on set days.
That is correct so the child's mother needs to do some of the co-parenting. On occasions when she cannot look after them, the mother should arrange childcare.

OP, I think it's too much to expect you to look after your husband's children on both his days and his ex's days. So you look after them 5 days per week, your husband and his ex just get on with their working lives while you lose out on on-line training, and end up home-schooling the children into the bargain.

YANBU OP

"Yes. I’m also capable of the basic maths that tells me they’re receiving more than they’re paying in currently"
People who are furloughed cannot work at present because the Govt ordered all non-essential workplaces to close down. It is not their fault they cannot work.

It is their employers who receive grants from the Govt towards wage costs, not the actual employees. Furloughed staff do not receive more than they are paying in. They pay tax on their income above the same threshold in the same way as the working population and pensioners do.

@DwayneBenzie

Look at it like this, OP. Taxpayers are paying for you to sit on your tush on furlough. It’s in taxpayers’ interest to keep the other three people working. So perhaps you can stretch yourself a little in exchange for the economic support you’re receiving, and accept that this isn’t anywhere near a normal situation? Also - you married him. That’s a commitment.

Just take the kids and if you don’t like it, get some work to fill in your days. You’re allowed to work on furlough as long as you’re available if your company needs you.

OP IS a tax payer.

She's not sitting on her tush. She's looking after the kids on her DH's days, she's doing some training as well.

But even if she wasn't she doesn't owe her DH's Ex childcare.

Many contracts do NOT allow you to work when on furlough & that's besides the point anyway, she's not looking for things to fill her days. She's quite happy as she is.

She married HIM, not his EX - stop being so bloody ridiculous.

'playing Happy families with HER kids'

Just tell her 'No, you wouldn't want her to think you were playing happy families with HER kids'

Three days a week is MORE than enough. SHE can ask her parents as they don't seem bothered by the rules.

If you DH is grumpy about it, tell him fine, you'll have them in her days and HE can find childcare in his days

She has options, you are her lazy option.

80's drugs advert 'just say no'

I kind of think that people who are being paid furlough out of the government’s pocket should all be doing something to ‘earn’ that debt to society, if they aren’t looking after their Kids

ODFOD. I'm being paid Furlough so my employer can retain me & I can go straight back to work when allowed. Not to do whatever idiots like you think I should be doing to 'earn my keep'.

Yes. I’m also capable of the basic maths that tells me they’re receiving more than they’re paying in currently

I will have been paid (capped) furlough for a few months, I have paid tax for 30 odd years, do the maths on that, chump!

heartsoncake you always jump on these threads and bash the SM.

OP yanbu at all!! This will build huge resentment. Once you commit to this, its and indefinite period and if you are sick of it, it will be harder to get out of.
And especially as they are difficult children, you will really get to your last nerve quickly. Not to mention, you will have limited ability to discipline them yet expected to care for them.
This is their mothers problem to solve. Why cant her parents step in?

'I kind of think that people who are being paid furlough out of the government’s pocket should all be doing something to ‘earn’ that debt to society'

Er, you mean like pay their taxes like everybody else? This attitude about furlough is beyond stupid.

YANBU.

I am concerned as well that it will make me resentful. I already can't wait for the days I have free as it is now. The thought of giving those up as well to battle with two DC all day makes me dread it.

Dude, if you already can’t wait for your free days this is NEVER going to work. Plus, if you say yes now you are setting yourself up to be the designated emergency carer. Don’t do it to yourself.

I think you’re an angel for already doing his part. I would have agreed to one day max a week.

I will have been paid (capped) furlough for a few months, I have paid tax for 30 odd years, do the maths on that, chump!

Oh wow so you’ve not used the NHS or sent kids to school during that 30 years? Gosh I really am a chump, assuming that everyone draws from such public services! I stand corrected