To say no?

[PieAllThePie]

Try to keep it brief, my husband has children with his ex. Both are still working through lockdown.

My husband has been doing his best to sort work around his days with the children, taking annual / unpaid leave and I've been having them when he can't for his days. As I understand it, his exes partner was watching the kids on her days as he has been furloughed, like me.

He (exes partner) has now been told he needs to go back next week and so basically DHs ex is stuck for childcare on her days as there are no places at school.

She has asked if I will look after them on her days too, I am still furloughed.

DH doesn't really have anymore leave to take now and we could do with him not losing out on money taking unpaid leave so the idea was I would start looking after them on his days from now on. If I also look after them on his exes days, it will mean I'll have them Mon-Fri every week.

To be perfectly honest I don't want to do this. I don't mind helping the odd time but I really do not want to commit to every day, all day and everything that includes, school work etc ... I do get on with them well, but they can be difficult at the best of times and are playing up a bit at the moment due to lockdown and missing their friends which I understand but it's a nightmare just trying to get them to do anything when I do have them, like going on a walk or doing their work. And I don't want to now sacrifice the only days I have free to do things like go on a walk, do my food shopping, I've been doing some online training for when I'm back at work etc.

She has been quite difficult with us in the past as well so that is also making me reluctant to do this now. I also don't know when I'll be asked to go back to work although they've hinted that it may not be until after August so this could be a long term arrangement if I agreed which tbh I just don't like the thought of.

She has parents that live close by, whilst I appreciate it could be that they have underlying conditions I don't know about, I know they have been round to their house during lockdown as the kids have told us, and not socially distanced, grandma cut their hair etc...

I am torn on this one.

No, you did not sign up to having full care of the children but you did sign up to being a part of these children's family when you started a relationship with their Dad.

Yes both Mum and Dad here signed up for kids but they did not know that schools were going to close and that they would have limited care options while they worked.

You ARE a part of this family and I do think that if the viable solution as a family is that you are the one available to watch the children then you should do what you can. No one signed up for what is happening.

I, as a parent of a child with ADHD (7yrs) and a full on 3 year old can understand why if the child has special needs you may be reluctant to step up and fully take care of the children on all work days though.

I think you perhaps should take on more than you are currently doing to help out but find some sort of a compromise that you can be ok with. These children are now your family too.

YANBU.

I'd say no. Imo, It's a bit of a cheek your dh palming his kids off on you and the ex asking is taking the piss.
What will they do if you went back to work? Would it be your problem to sort?

OP you've said you look after step kids two days one week, three days the next,,?

To show some willing I'd offer 3 days each week.

Tell them you need those other two days to do your own online training and other household / "me time" stuff

Not your kids, not your business.

What are the ex and your DH plans if you get asked to go back to work next week full time?

What happens to the children during school holidays normally?

YNBU

YANBU

@StoppinBy

I am torn on this one.

No, you did not sign up to having full care of the children but you did sign up to being a part of these children's family when you started a relationship with their Dad.

Yes both Mum and Dad here signed up for kids but they did not know that schools were going to close and that they would have limited care options while they worked.

You ARE a part of this family and I do think that if the viable solution as a family is that you are the one available to watch the children then you should do what you can. No one signed up for what is happening.

I, as a parent of a child with ADHD (7yrs) and a full on 3 year old can understand why if the child has special needs you may be reluctant to step up and fully take care of the children on all work days though.

I think you perhaps should take on more than you are currently doing to help out but find some sort of a compromise that you can be ok with. These children are now your family too.

I admire step parents immensely, who are going above and beyond what they have been doing in the past. That said, I agree with this. Find a middle ground. That may mean your dh steps up and takes leave to parent his kids rather than expect you to do it all. Right now, it’s about everyone pitching in so the everybody’s livelihood can be maintained for the sake of the two households and shared children.

YANBU I don’t get this, his children are your children. They are his children with his ex. Yes you take on a family when you marry a man with kids but I’m shocked at how many people are expected to take on the childcare.

How much is childcare compared to either parent taking unpaid leave?

That is too many days for you and for them. Say no, thank you.

You might want to read this OP
Just had enough, feeling unappreciated
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3935449-Just-had-enough-feeling-unappreciated

I don't think you are unreasonable btw. You are already helping out and shouldn't feel coerced into doing any more.

Nah i wouldn’t be doing it. It will become the norm and you do need time to do your training, have some time to yourself etc.

It would be different if it was your own children. That’s quite simple. If it were your own DC, there’d be no fear of parenting them without having to worry about what they’d tell their mother, or them turning around and refusing to do something because you’re not their mother. You could slack off sometimes with your own dc and stick them in front of dvds/computers if you didn’t feel up to doing homeschooling etc.

So no. During her time your DP’s ex needs to find childcare. I wouldn’t do it. I’d step in for a one off emergency but not otherwise.

Another who hates the stupid parroting of "What would you do if they were your children?" Pointless. They aren't.

Just makes the poster look silly.

Say no, OP. Not your problem to sort.

How old are the children? If they're 8 or above, they should be able to get on with a couple of hours of school work pretty independently, help with a chore, go for a walk over lunch in return for an afternoon of screens. If your DH is working from home, then you should be able to leave them occupied for an hour or two.

Why do people say that the children should be able to do X Y or Z? Be left on their own for a few hours, get on with work, do some chores etc etc.

OP has already said a few times that they are difficult for her and a nightmare to get to do anything including their work.

It's all very well saying what they should be able to do, but obviously these children don't/can't do that for whatever the reason.

Both parents need a Plan B anyway. What are they going to do if you get suddenly called back off furlough, if you're not well?

If your hubby has taken leave then their mum needs to as well, that’s only fair.
No, I don’t think you should have them 5 days a week. Mum and dad should be having them half of the week each Mon - Fri if they both work Mon - Fri.

No way, bugger that. You’re doing your fair share by having them on DH’s days, but you’re not a childminder and they’re not your children. It’s up to her to find childcare for her children if she needs to go back to work, it isn’t your responsibility. I’m honestly shocked that anyone is suggesting they’re your kids just because you married their father. No, they’re not. You not their mother and you never will be, so you shouldn’t have to bear the responsibility as if you are. It would be a totally different conversation if it was DH that had been furloughed. Don’t feel railroaded into doing it, you do more than your fair share already.

Why do people say that the children should be able to do X Y or Z? Be left on their own for a few hours, get on with work, do some chores etc etc.
Because it's up to the adults to discuss what they believe their children should be able to do, according to their age and abilities. In this case, all 4 adults should (see what I did there ) sit down together to decide this and appropriate rewards or consequences. An 8 year old should be able to understand the basics of the situation, that adults need to do their work and they need to do theirs. If all 4 adults are working from the same baseline, it will be easier for the kids.

But until OP says how old they are, it's all pretty irrelevant.

YANBU.

I've suddenly been called back to work for all of this week, when I normally work PT. DS (6) isn't at school so MIL has kindly agreed to look after him for the week. I feel bad asking her to do a whole week even though they get on really well.

2 DSC for who knows how many weeks is a huge ask.

I wouldn't do it.

Yanbu - Id say no.

You’re already doing multiple days for your husband.

She needs to sort her own days. Everyone hates a step mum until it’s the mum who wants something.
Plus the fact you mentioned she’s been unreasonable before as well would cement the deal for me.

Everyone who keeps saying, but this is a pandemic blah blah blah. So what? It’s the mums job to sort it on her days, she can take annual leave or unpaid days, same as her partner instead of grinding the OP down 5 days a week.

Don’t be a walk over OP, specially if she’s not the best person towards you in normal times.

YANBU - I wouldn't do this. Maybe you could offer to do one extra day a week though?

Depresses me how many people think you shouldn’t do this. Of course you don’t HAVE to, but this is an unprecedented situation, and it’s not forever. If you genuinely can’t one day a week because of work training then don’t do that day, but couldn’t you manage the other days for a few months? And yeah ‘why should you?’ I’m sure people will say- just because helping people out makes the world go round a bit better maybe? Because it helps out your DH since they’re his kids and you love him and he must be stressed by the situation too? Have you never been in that position where you need help from someone and feel SO awkward about it but don’t have a choice? Hope you never are.

Because it helps out your DH since they’re his kids and you love him

How does it help out her DH? He’s got his days covered already.

The OP has already mentioned that the mum has been difficult with them in the past but now she wants something it’s a different story and the OP should just have the kids 5 days a week for the greater good
Yet you can put money on it next year the OP might want something and if it put the mum out she will say no.