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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no?

225 replies

PieAllThePie · 14/06/2020 19:58

Try to keep it brief, my husband has children with his ex. Both are still working through lockdown.

My husband has been doing his best to sort work around his days with the children, taking annual / unpaid leave and I've been having them when he can't for his days. As I understand it, his exes partner was watching the kids on her days as he has been furloughed, like me.

He (exes partner) has now been told he needs to go back next week and so basically DHs ex is stuck for childcare on her days as there are no places at school.

She has asked if I will look after them on her days too, I am still furloughed.

DH doesn't really have anymore leave to take now and we could do with him not losing out on money taking unpaid leave so the idea was I would start looking after them on his days from now on. If I also look after them on his exes days, it will mean I'll have them Mon-Fri every week.

To be perfectly honest I don't want to do this. I don't mind helping the odd time but I really do not want to commit to every day, all day and everything that includes, school work etc ... I do get on with them well, but they can be difficult at the best of times and are playing up a bit at the moment due to lockdown and missing their friends which I understand but it's a nightmare just trying to get them to do anything when I do have them, like going on a walk or doing their work. And I don't want to now sacrifice the only days I have free to do things like go on a walk, do my food shopping, I've been doing some online training for when I'm back at work etc.

She has been quite difficult with us in the past as well so that is also making me reluctant to do this now. I also don't know when I'll be asked to go back to work although they've hinted that it may not be until after August so this could be a long term arrangement if I agreed which tbh I just don't like the thought of.

She has parents that live close by, whilst I appreciate it could be that they have underlying conditions I don't know about, I know they have been round to their house during lockdown as the kids have told us, and not socially distanced, grandma cut their hair etc...

OP posts:
Brefugee · 15/06/2020 09:20

OP, would you do some extra days for money? I'm assuming the ex doesn't have a DH who can step up? (or didn't notice in the thread)

quietheart · 15/06/2020 09:36

@RoseGoldEagle the OP is already helping out, 5 days a week is more than helping out. How do single parents manage or parents whose ex doesn’t have a new DP to provide childcare and home schooling?

Would anyone want their children to spend 5 days a week with someone who didn’t want them there. How many parents are struggling with their own children, never mind someone else’s?

@Brefugee OP said in her opening post that Ex DP was returning to work and could no longer share the care, hence the reason she was being asked to take the children full time.

fishonabicycle · 15/06/2020 09:42

The children's mother is responsible for sorting her childcare out. Not the OP! How comes the mother can just dump her parental responsibility ?

gutentag1 · 15/06/2020 10:00

You'd be a saint to do this OP, and I can't say that I would agree to it in your situation.

We're unlikely to get this opportunity of paid free time again, and you'd effectively be signing the rest of it away.

Original poster
PieAllThePie · 15/06/2020 10:01

Hi all, thanks for your replies.

To answer some questions, the children are 7 & 9. It is the youngest who has suspected additional needs and he can be very naughty. It is especially bad at the moment due to lockdown. This can include, but not all the time, being violent and hitting either his siblings or his parents/me when he gets frustrated. DH and Ex are in the process of getting him seen by GP but nothing has been diagnosed yet. The older DC can wind him up and they are both being difficult at the moment, I understand it's due to frustration with the situation at the moment, probably boredom and missing their friends too but it can be so tiring looking after them. I feel claustrophobic by it all like I can't do anything or go anywhere because all they do is whinge and play up if I try to.

I think someone said before on the thread about why DH needed to take leave if I was in the house in the first place. This was why. Because they aren't the easiest to look after and tbh I was reluctant enough to start covering all of his days on my own but I agreed because we didn't have many other options.

As someone said, I am concerned as well that it will make me resentful. I already can't wait for the days I have free as it is now. The thought of giving those up as well to battle with two DC all day makes me dread it.

That said, I think I'll go with a posters suggestion of offering to do 3 days a week, at the moment I am doing 3 days one week and two the next (50:50 split) so 3 days a week would be one extra day and mum will need to sort something else for 2 of the days.

It may be petty but she isn't/ hasn't been the nicest person to me in the past and so yes it does annoy me that now I'm just expected to jump because she needs something from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PieAllThePie · 15/06/2020 10:01

Sibling*

OP posts:
Iwishlifewasrainbows · 15/06/2020 10:03

I wouldn’t do it you are allowed a break too and his ex needs to sort childcare for her days I am afraid like your husband is for his days. We have my stepchildren 50/50 and I help where I can but that I am very firm with days and expectations around this as I am a shift worker so do 12.5 hour shifts and his ex was expecting to drop the kids to me on her days as I would be in all day following a night shift. I flat out refused I need to sleep and swap my shifts around my own kids as I will not go to bed when I am in sole charge of children who have needs and make noise especially considering my job as I need to be alert and capable the following night. As hard as the fall out as she was adamant as I was home all day I was being selfish not helping they are her days and her kids she is responsible for sorting childcare and while I would help in am emergency I am not signing up to day to day childcare on her behalf as I am entitled to my own time and life The same as I don’t ask my ex’s new wife to sort my children for me, if she helps him on his days that between them and completely fine but she isn’t my childminder. My children have 2 parents that are responsible for sorting childcare if they ask others that’s down to each parent, his cf ex even asked my DH to ask my mum who is self isolating due to no immune system and we haven’t seen since lockdown began

dontdisturbmenow · 15/06/2020 10:06

3 days a week is a very fair and reasonable compromise. Well done on you for helping. Do no feel guilted to do more.

Original poster
PieAllThePie · 15/06/2020 10:09

his cf ex even asked my DH to ask my mum who is self isolating due to no immune system and we haven’t seen since lockdown began

Shock that's really bad! It reminded me of one of the times I was referring to with his ex being funny with me. DH wasn't feeling well so I said I'd take the kids out for a walk and my mum joined me. His ex went mad at him the next day because I was 'playing family' with my mum and her kids.

Granted this was a while ago now but we had still been together for a few years by this point so I wasn't a brand new girlfriend or anything.

OP posts:
Pollypocket89 · 15/06/2020 10:13

You really really wouldn't be unreasonable to tell her no, not even 3 days a week. It sounds like a hard situation on you for your husbands days. Why should she get to treat you badly then get free childcare

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 15/06/2020 10:17

YANBU at all. You've been helping out already, but having them all week is totally different. They're not your kids and not your responsibility to sort out their childcare. But you won't get much support in AIBU I'm afraid.

tensmum1964 · 15/06/2020 10:22

I wouldn't agree to more. You are doing more than enough. It isn't your job to have them on their Dads days and they should all be very appreciative of what you are currently doing. The Mum needs to call on her family or her partners family and not expect more from you. Sounds like she thinks you are the easy option when it suits her.

ladytremaineswig · 15/06/2020 10:24

What people don't see here is that actually by having them all that time the pp seriously jeopardises her relationship with the kids. Children's relationships with step parents are often precarious at best. You're not their parent and you're also not a child minder, you often command very little respect and caring for kids under those circumstances alone is virtually impossible without some kind of fall out.

RainbowFlowers · 15/06/2020 10:26

Don't do it. You have to set boundaries. I don't know why people are expecting you to pick up the childcare and not your partner or his ex, its ridiculous.

If you agree to something that you don't want to do, it will only build resentment to either the kids or your relationship, it will only make things worse.

Boulshired · 15/06/2020 10:28

Decision made at this time will always be viewed through the Covid lens. I certainly would not want to be in your position and I think you have done more than enough. But if the consequences are a loss of career/income and a negative impact on the children it will always be indicated it was DH and you that didn’t do enough and whilst the adults can think what they want I would worry what the future impression of the children would be.

Original poster
PieAllThePie · 15/06/2020 10:29

If you agree to something that you don't want to do, it will only build resentment to either the kids or your relationship, it will only make things worse

This is one of my biggest concerns. I don't want to feel that way but I can see it happening if this carries on long term.

OP posts:
SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 15/06/2020 10:29

YANBU, I wouldn’t do this either. It’s very kind of you to be helping as much as you are, and offering to do an extra day on your own is brilliant.

FWIW I’m in a similar situation but the other way round. I’m working FT from home, DP is furloughed and so are exH and his new wife. DP goes back to work next week but the DC are my responsibility on my days so I’ll just be juggling homeschooling and working.

Muh2020 · 15/06/2020 10:47

YANBU.

At most, I would do 2 days a week, but not more.
Especially if this runs on until after august.
They're just taking the piss out of you.

Just because you're their stepmother, that doesn't make you the skivvy put here to mop up after your DH's kids five days a week.
Fuck that.

Also - there are some deranged people on this website.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/06/2020 11:11

YANBU. My DS has a stepmum and I would not ask this of her.

whoiscooking · 15/06/2020 12:33

I'm in the minority but I think YABVU

You are furloughed, the government is paying you not to work, and children in your family need looking after while all the other adults are out at work. Of course you didn't sign up for this, none of us planned a pandemic yet here it is. The parents can still plan the school work out, they can even make packed lunches and snacks if you like so you don't have to prepare meals. I would be rethinking my relationship if my DH would not step up when the family needed him to (and yes, step children are your family or you should not have married their father).

Justus77 · 15/06/2020 12:37

@gutentag1

You'd be a saint to do this OP, and I can't say that I would agree to it in your situation.

We're unlikely to get this opportunity of paid free time again, and you'd effectively be signing the rest of it away.

Just that ^
GinDrinker00 · 15/06/2020 12:38

YANBU. I wouldn’t do it either, it’s her days she needs to find the childcare not expect you to do it all.

quietheart · 15/06/2020 12:56

I wouldn't even offer the extra day both parents are lucky that they have had partners sharing the childcare. Offering another day gives no wriggle room.

FurbabyLife · 15/06/2020 13:01

There is no way in hell I would commit to this. You’re completely within your rights to say no! They’re not your responsibility!

ExtremelyBoldSquirrels · 15/06/2020 13:20

I wouldn’t do it. Stepparenting is not the same as parenting. You generally get pretty much no say in anything, and the flip side of that is that you don’t have the same responsibility to give up your entire life to the stepchildren. And, particularly, it doesn’t make you the default back up whenever it suits your spouse’s ex.

But on MN you’re supposed to centre your entire life around your stepchildren (only if you’re a woman though), even when their actual parents aren’t doing it. But don’t you dare have a need or an opinion or, heaven forbid, you might want some input into parenting strategies, then you need to get back in your place and respect their parents. You married a man with children so that means you should never be consulted about anything but still be available for any of the mundane, drudge work of looking after them at any moment.

I’m responsible for my own DC and (like many mothers dealing with exes) I always have to pick up the slack when my ex can’t have them. I am sure as hell not giving a new partner’s ex that kind of control over my life (whether we are married or not). She can sort out her own childcare (just like I have to). And if DH agrees to help (always without consulting me), then it’s on him to look after them - it’s just not my responsibility.