To say no?

[PieAllThePie]

Try to keep it brief, my husband has children with his ex. Both are still working through lockdown.

My husband has been doing his best to sort work around his days with the children, taking annual / unpaid leave and I've been having them when he can't for his days. As I understand it, his exes partner was watching the kids on her days as he has been furloughed, like me.

He (exes partner) has now been told he needs to go back next week and so basically DHs ex is stuck for childcare on her days as there are no places at school.

She has asked if I will look after them on her days too, I am still furloughed.

DH doesn't really have anymore leave to take now and we could do with him not losing out on money taking unpaid leave so the idea was I would start looking after them on his days from now on. If I also look after them on his exes days, it will mean I'll have them Mon-Fri every week.

To be perfectly honest I don't want to do this. I don't mind helping the odd time but I really do not want to commit to every day, all day and everything that includes, school work etc ... I do get on with them well, but they can be difficult at the best of times and are playing up a bit at the moment due to lockdown and missing their friends which I understand but it's a nightmare just trying to get them to do anything when I do have them, like going on a walk or doing their work. And I don't want to now sacrifice the only days I have free to do things like go on a walk, do my food shopping, I've been doing some online training for when I'm back at work etc.

She has been quite difficult with us in the past as well so that is also making me reluctant to do this now. I also don't know when I'll be asked to go back to work although they've hinted that it may not be until after August so this could be a long term arrangement if I agreed which tbh I just don't like the thought of.

She has parents that live close by, whilst I appreciate it could be that they have underlying conditions I don't know about, I know they have been round to their house during lockdown as the kids have told us, and not socially distanced, grandma cut their hair etc...

On the face of it, YABU IMO.
These are unprecedented times. I think people should do what they can to help one another out.
It's not like she is assuming you will use your AL or your time outside your working hours long term to save her arranging childcare. There isn't childcare. If they aren't in the groups that are able to go back into school, that isn't your dh's ex's fault that there isn't anyone to look after them.
You are being paid 80% of your salary to do nothing. Why not so something to help everyone out ?

I'm sure you do have a good relationship with the children OP, and you want to keep it that way so don't get in to a childcare situation you feel resentful about

I think this is a really good point as well. People have said it may improve OPs relationship with the kids. I would say having no break from looking after 'difficult' children would likely result in the complete opposite. She's more likely to start resenting it than feeling positive about it.

to do nothing

She isn't doing nothing. She is providing childcare to her husband multiple days a week.

And doing online training for her job. Did you miss that?

YANBU. You and DH look after your SDC on his days. His ex and her partner need to arrange childcare for their days.

Gosh you're getting some harsh comments, OP. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I think it's ok for your DP's ex to ask if you're willing to look after the kids (if one of us is sick, my ex and I will always ask the other to look after our child first, before seeking outside help), but not to have the expectation that you will do it. And it's ok to say 'no'.

However, 'no' might go down easier if you suggest meeting half way e.g. agree to look after the kids and extra 1-2 days per week, whilst their mum arranges childcare for the other days.

YANBU. I would never agree to this arrangement if I was you; I wouldn't want to have to homeschool my own children (they're too young), never mind someone else's for 5 days a week, for goodness knows how long???

You'd be better off saying no at the outset, rather than down the line if at all gets too much, or something goes wrong, particularly as you say one of them is presenting challenging behaviour, as everybody will be relying on you by then, so it would be harder to stop later. Best to say you can't commit, and that the mum needs to find childcare.

YADNBU. It's utterly ridiculous that people on this thread are saying you are being unreasonable. You help out on your husbands days, that is more than enough. You had no say over these children coming into the world. They are not your responsibility.

YANBU. It would be nice of you to help, in view of the situation. But you don't want to, and I don't blame you.

it's a nightmare just trying to get them to do anything when I do have them

Its not because I dislike the kids that I say they can be difficult, they can be it's just the truth. Their parents say the same thing, one of them especially is suspected of having some issues although undiagnosed right now and can be very hard work

I think people are underestimating how difficult and draining it will be for OP to care for children who have the above problems 5 days a week. Even doing so a few days a week for her husband must be difficult if they don't do as their told and 'its a nightmare' to get them to do their work.

Unfortunately it's undeniable that people who aren't our children's parents do find them harder to like when they are being difficult. Suggesting OPs relationship with them may improve by having them all week is very naive imo.

I would not want to spend 5 days a week looking after and homeschooling difficult children either.

YANBU. I'd say no. If you weren't furloughed she'd have to think of something.

Hmm I don't think YABU but I personally would do it...

God, I would develop a substance abuse problem if I was forced to look after someone else's children FT until September. Looking after them with DH - not a problem, but alone - not really.

I cannot stand my husbands ex, she's a nasty entitled lazy cow, but I would never say no to the kids.
I don't believe co parenting is about even splits and his/her responsibility.. it's about everyone doing what needs to be done.. and in this situation the kids need childcare and you can do it so why wouldn't you. Its not easy, it's so much harder to look after and care for someone else's kids, as a stepparent I really struggle sometimes.. but you chose that life.. we aren't in normal times.. we aren't in routine.. everything's different and strange and it think everyone needs to do more to support each other.

Yanbu.

I wouldn't. It sounds like you do enough.

Has op said how old the children are?

Thing I hate about the 'you knew what you were getting into, you know there might be times like this' etc etc is that it could just as easily be said for the actual parents here and yet people don't like that.

You could say mum chose to have children and should have known there may be occasions where she may be stuck for childcare, or where she may need to take leave from work. If OP should have known there may be occasions like a worldwide pandemic before marrying someone with kids then so should the parents before having them on the first place.

Well said Dino

Why do people refer to those furloughed as being paid for by 'the taxpayer' as if those on furlough don't pay tax too? It's such a stupid thing to say

No, yanbu to say no OP

YANBU- I cant believe the shit responses they are not your DC, you are not their nanny on call. I also hate you knew what you were getting into crap. Although my DP probably wouldn't admit it of course he didn't know what he was letting myself in for, how could he? He didn't have DC, he didn't know my DD, he didn't know her amazing side or her worst side.

And just to say DP lives with me now and I still dont expect him to do home schooling with her even when he had a month off and I was working because guess what hes not her responsibility. He offers and sometimes accept but its rare.

I really admire stepmoms now (not that I didn't before just never thought about) if this is the attitude they get in real life and have to worry so much about all things related to their DSC. It has definitely confirmed for me that I'm glad I never got into a serious relationship with someone with kids and really admire my DP doing so, but maybe that's because I dont expect him to take a parental role as he cant make parental decisions for her or pay for a child he had no involvement in the financial planning of.

Absobloodylutly not. You weren't there at the conception they are not your problem on her time.
You are graciously covering for your husband. Which I hope he shows you gratitude for. You don't owe her anything.
Especially if she's caused you problems before. She's earned no favours.

Do what works for you.

If you decide to no additional days that's fine. DH's ex is exactly where she was before.

If you're feeling generous, offer an extra one or two days. This may be easier to justify -not that you have to - as you still have training etc you need to do.

Basically the person making the request should be thankful for any assistance but shouldn't expect it.

YABU. You married him and took on his children; you wouldn’t just be able to get rid of your own because it wasn’t convenient.

She's not their mum or dad, they have those. That phrase applies to their actual mum - she is the one who needs to figure out her own children.

*You knew what you were getting into
*
I imagine if op had been told she'd be responsible for his kids full time while he and their mother worked she wouldn't have agreed prior to marriage.

I wouldn’t do this. Look after them for DH on his days -fine but it’s a lot to ask of you.