To doubt my marriage over this..

[Beeech]

DH and I have been together for 7 years and have one child together.

Our marriage is great, he's a fantastic husband and father. I can't believe how lucky I've been.

But last night, he shocked me. Whilst discussing the BLM protests, he announced that he didn't believe white prividge doesn't exist. In fact, he believes that everyone has equal opportunity in this country. When I asked even women? He said that's different and unacceptable but he doesn't believe that skin colour doesn't impact the opportunities available to people.

I was gobsmacked and beyond furious at his ignorance. We had a big argument which had left me doubting if I can be with someone so fucking stupid!?

AIBU

Sorry it should read that he doesn't believe white prividge exists 🤦‍♀️

A white man believes white privilege doesn't exist - what a cliche.

YANBU - he's obviously very blinkered. However, a huge number of people don't believe in it simply because nobody's every spoken to them about it; pretty much everything in our world is geared up to the comfort of white men, essentially, so unless they've had their eyes opened to it, they're unlikely to recognise it.

Is he the kind of person who'll have open conversations and be willing to listen and learn about his privilege? That would be the biggest factor for me.

Privilege is invisible to those that have it. Women tend to recognise white privilege because we understand male privilege so can imagine there are many ways we might receive more favourable treatment because of our skin colour even if we are not conscious of it happening at the time.

We do have equality of opportunity in law, why not ask him what his explanation is for inequality of outcome.

I remember someone on here said this, and it really made me think:

When you are used to privilege, equality feels like oppression.

So you want to wreck what you previously thought was a great marriage over this? I agree he’s wrong but some differences just have to be buried I’m afraid. What about your DC? Are you really going to subject your child to a divorce and separation over this disagreement? You should agree to disagree. Not sure what your finances are but do you want this upheaval? I would try and look at all the good things you talked about and forgive this flaw.

And why didn’t you know his views years ago? Wasn’t it an issue then? Or is this the latest issue so you have decided that it must be discussed? Did you agree about Brexit? What about all political views? Everyone finds their DH has differing views at some point but you work through it.

A lot of white people don't see themselves as privileged, because they think everyone experiences the world the way they do.

I don't think it's something to end a marriage over.

That will be his white privilege talking 🙄

I agree he’s wrong but some differences just have to be buried I’m afraid.

For me, this would be an absolutely fundamental difference that i couldn't get over.

Isn’t he allowed an opinion? Bit controlling that. Your opinion is the only one that matters. Your reaction is well OTT. Surely if you disagree you chat it through and that’s that.

I'm just surprised you haven't discussed similar topics at the dating stage. 7 years into the marriage you should have known your husband views on equality, racism, privilege and injustice..

So you want to end a great marriage to a fantastic husband and father because he has a differing view from you .

Yeah go ahead. That's a great idea.

Its very reasonable to consider ending a marriage over this. It isnt a difference of opinion, it's a difference of morality, and some wilful ignorance on his part.

"different view" is a nice way to describe ignorance..

This wouldn't make me question my relationship

'Some differences' are stuff like whether he likes Marmite or not or whether he thinks toilet roll goes over and under. Not massive fucking fundamental differences because of wilful ignorance.

Sorry, OP, I would find this very difficult to deal with too. It doesn't even sound like he's willing to educated on it? Would he be open to any reading to challenge his views? Although how he can live in this world and take part in it and not believe that white privilege exists here is baffling, but I guess plenty of people do.

Also surprised this never cropped up before. It annoys me that it feeling like people are jumping on the bandwagon who previously stood by but I guess that’s how change comes about

Oh and racism and white privilege is not a 'political issue'. It's a basic human rights one.

It shouldn’t exist, but it sadly does. Some white people, don’t see or realise the issues that black people face on a daily basis. Your dh is having his eyes opened, let’s hope he realises he is wrong soon.

@Teensandfuture

I'm just surprised you haven't discussed similar topics at the dating stage. 7 years into the marriage you should have known your husband views on equality, racism, privilege and injustice..

I’ve never officially asked my dh whether he believes in white privilege or not. I’d be surprised if most people deliberately set out to have that conversation while they’re dating.

I wouldn’t break up your family unit and end your marriage over this.

However.....

He’s clearly very entitled and ignorant but if you try to teach him why he’s wrong then hopefully

1- You’ll find common ground and stay together

2- You will be credited for making sure at least one privileged white male understands why he’s a complete moron!

I don't understand why this would be a surprise to you? Surely his stance has come out on other issues before this?

And yes, this would be absolutely unacceptable to me. It's not a different opinion of the genre of movie or food preference variety, this is a fundamental blind spot in his world view.

Me and my DH are also at odds with this same situation as you, we have also had arguements over it but we've come to the conclusion we have to respect each other's beliefs/opinions and try to keep that in mind when discussing those topics, which has been kept to a minimum.

No you are not being unreasonable to question his views but I wouldn't end a marriage and not let my children live full time with both parents over it.

I actually left my husband over something similar, more related to feminism and brexit in my case. I used to think that it was okay to have a difference of opinion in a relationship (and about some things it is!) but these were my fundamental beliefs and we couldn't even discuss them he was just adamant that I was wrong. Once I realised that I just lost all the respect I had for him.

However we weren't actually married that long didn't have any children and there were other relationship issues it was a much easier decision for me.

And true to form now that BLM is in the news he's popped up on social media sharing his bigoted views.