To doubt my marriage over this..

[Beeech]

DH and I have been together for 7 years and have one child together.

Our marriage is great, he's a fantastic husband and father. I can't believe how lucky I've been.

But last night, he shocked me. Whilst discussing the BLM protests, he announced that he didn't believe white prividge doesn't exist. In fact, he believes that everyone has equal opportunity in this country. When I asked even women? He said that's different and unacceptable but he doesn't believe that skin colour doesn't impact the opportunities available to people.

I was gobsmacked and beyond furious at his ignorance. We had a big argument which had left me doubting if I can be with someone so fucking stupid!?

AIBU

I would suggest your marriage isn't that wonderful and he's not a brilliant husband and father. If he was you wouldn't be considering leaving because you disagree on one thing.
You obviously believe you are right and any other opinion is,wrong so basically your husband can only have an opinion if it's the same as yours.
If he's that wonderful perhaps you should leave and let him find someone who lets him have his own opinion.

He has a right to have a different view and might not surf the wave of popular opinion right now. There are extremes in all cases but over recent years there have been positive steps in society the redress inequality and prejudice and through the generations this will take effect as or society becomes more multicultural. Of course there are those who's outdated opinion will never change. Your husband is looking at this from his perspective and is unlikely to have empathy for the difficulties some from other cultural backgrounds might have. He's not ignorant or racist but just can't comprehend how someone else might have a harder time tackling life due to others cultural prejudice.

@PlanDeRaccordement

You don’t divorce someone over a gap in their knowledge. You inform and educate them.

And then if you can't , consider can you live with somebody so blinkered.

I think his perception (however narrow/misguided) would be shared by a lot of people, and it's worth a discussion. Were you furious about his view itself or the way he expressed it in the ensuing argument?

This is just as stupid as the poster who was considering divorce because her husband voted for Brexit.
Get a grip.

I think you both need to watch 13th on Netflix very eye opening

And this exemplifies the kind of thinking that appears to typify certain movements: if you disagree with me, you are a proponent of hate speech and an oppressor ... and that is an argument that is impossible to get out from under. Because if you agree, you are an oppressor; and if you disagree - well, that's just what oppressors do.

OP no one here can tell you what yo do. You know what your deal breakers are and if this is one. I know previous posters mentioned the lady that wanted to divorce her husband over Brexit and they found this stupid, but ultimately every relationship is as unique as the people in it and what they want or not trumps what others may think of them. Think clearly, reflect on things and decide what you think is best for you and your family. Talk to your husband about this and how much it has affected you. Seek support via counselling if need be.

You are going to end your marriage over a stupid argument ? . Then you’re an idiot.

What is "White Fragility?"

A touch melodramatic OP. Are you seriously considering breaking up your family over this ? God knows how you’d cope if a real problem came along.

You don’t divorce someone over a gap in their knowledge. You inform and educate them.

This! I think it's really positive that this outrage has opened up discussions within families. I've used it as a way to talk to my dc (they saw it in the news and now they're angry- rightly so! ). My dh is a very placid, easygoing person . Grew up in a mainly white mc area. Didn't go to uni etc so Not really widened his social circle since school. He's a fab husband and father. But he's naive.

I explained a few things to him the other day with regards to BLM and it was a light bulb moment. He'd never really thought about these things because they had never affected him- not an excuse but he was very embarrassed!

I wouldn't end my marriage over what your dh said. It's ignorance rather than racism. If he continues to have these views though after being 'educated' then I would consider the relationship.

The people who have most difficultly understanding and accepting it are white, educated men. In their place on top of the pile they can´t see the privilege that has got them there.

Presumably no different to the sort of privilege that sees many white educated women rise to the top of the pile: family background which prioritizes and values books/school/education, hard work, long hours, prioritizing career progression at key junctions over other life avenues, etc

@morriseysquif

I agree, if you can’t inform and educate, reconsider if you can stay with them.

I’m shocked they’ve been married 7 years and this is the first time BLM or the topic of racism has ever come up in conversation. I think it is a good chance both OP and her DH were the proverbial ostriches with their heads in the sands for all these years. Both in the bliss of ignorance as to the lives and struggles of minorities, especially black peoples. Now, with the protests, OP has her head out of the sand and is angry her DH has his still buried. Hopefully, the conversations will continue and they will both be better informed and aware.

The people who have most difficultly understanding and accepting it are white, educated men. In their place on top of the pile they can´t see the privilege that has got them there.

I actually disagree that it is the white, educated men that have the most trouble accepting white privilege. In my experience, it’s working class men (educated or not) that have the most trouble. This is because they did have hard lives. They did have much less privilege than most other white people. Their identity is all based on being “self made” and “coming from nothing” so that they find it very hard to admit that anything other than “hard work” had anything to do with their success. They look at minorities and think, I overcame class prejudice, so you can overcome this so-called race prejudice. They can’t see how the one piece of luck of being born white opened doors for them because they only noticed the many doors closed to them.

I wouldn't end my marriage over what your dh said. It's ignorance rather than racism. If he continues to have these views though after being 'educated' then I would consider the relationship.

I agree.

He is allowed to have his own opinion and so are you, you are two different people. You just agree to disagree. It's not worth doubting the marriage. Move on from it.

@PlanDeRaccordement
They can’t see how the one piece of luck of being born white opened doors for them ...

In Britain, according to ONS stats, the highest earners (by median hourly wage) is Chinese ethnicity, then Indian ethnicity, then mixed race, then White British in 4th position.

@Wishingstarr
"white people don't like being generalised" (from the video interview 40secs in)
Does anyone? Should anyone? Seems a trollish attention seeking observation, rather than a sensible enlightening one.
Also, RE her observation that 'only white people are unaware of having a race' (or "race" is something that only belongs to POC.
Well, yes this is true in the UK. But its an observation of environment primarily. I lived in acertain Asian country for many years, and I was very aware of myself as a white person - because 99% of other people were not white. They were just people, while I was "a white person". The native population by contrast viewed themselves as "just people". Is racism a problem? Of course. A big problem. But rather than focusing the attack on this big block called White People and their White Privilege, far better to focus in on specific areas and ways in which individual minority races/ethnicities in the UK face systematic disadvantage and look into the reasons behind that and what policies can be devised to tackle it. Hint: it isnt all the fault of White People. In some cases this will be very difficult to solve without extreme political action and even social engineering, something the UK electorate seem very averse to.

It is true that the structures of power and class are different in different nations and cultures.

I think what the author is describing is the tendency of white people as seeing "black people" "asian people" as a group and less as individuals. She is not saying we do this all the time but that we can unconsciously give ourselves individuality and uniqueness and not others. It's the idea as she said that when we talk about "race" we assume the discussion is not about us if we are white.

We can't go very far and move into nuance if those with white skin just spend at lot of time refusing to accept racism even exists as a problem. If we are all seeing each other as individuals, why do people with exactly the same qualifications have different outcomes, with those of darker skin not achieving what those with white skin do?

Of course class is also very significant to outcome. If you broke down the racial groups you mention by class you may be able to see the true picture: an entrenched class system with many different groups having less mobility.

It's acknowledging the combinations of race and class and how they play out.

Cam77

You are right to point out that on average, British Chinese, British Indian and British Mixed have higher rates of financial success than British White. But median hourly earnings is only one measure of success. It’s not even a full measure of financial success because there is also family help, inheritances, etc.

Similar to how white privilege is only one of many privileges a person can be born with. It is the sum of privileges that contribute to the measures of success.

Class privilege is the primary determiner of financial success, not white privilege. So all working class will have many many doors closed to them.

White privilege is more subtle. If all other privileges are equal, a white person will go further than their nonwhite counterparts. So if you compare a working class white person to working class black, the white person has one more door open for them than the black person. But a middle/upper class black person, would have more doors open to them than a working class white person (in my opinion) because class or socio-economic status to our US mums, is more powerful than race.

Asian privilege does also exist, but in Asia. Not the U.K.

I’m also adverse to extreme political action (revolution?) and social engineering.
I had written a longer post with example after example as to history’s failures in having extreme political movements specifically to socially engineer society and in every case what happened was:
a) genocide
b) power vacuum
c) megalomaniac dictator
d) worse oppression, wars or more genocide, usually both
e) collapse
f) restoration of most of prior society

Reading this with interest. I've just had an argument with my partner of 18mths (not married) after hearing his conversation with a friend. After tut-tutting about the Baden Powell statue possibly being removed, they discussed what was going on at the moment as generally ridiculous. The friend said his wife was very upset about Nigel Farage leaving his job because she adores him. Aparently he's achieved a lot, which my partner didn't disagree with. After general headshaking and tutting I walked upstairs , not wanting to hear any more. When the friend had gone, we talked and my partner said 'the whole thing in America has blown up over this one man' as if it was a trivial thing to be murdered over a counterfeit $20 and everyone is overreacting. Then he threw something about Jeremy Corbyn at me.. I got really angry at that stage. I don't know what to do now tbh. I've always sort of known we inhabit different ends of the political spectrum, I know he puts some shite on Facebook for instance. I grew up in the Midlands with liberal but poor parents who fostered kids, some multiracial. He is from London, has affluent-ish working class right leaning parents and friends. I see that as pretty priveledged. I get what people are saying about live and let live and accepting differences, maybe educating someone - but I feel a bit pessimistic about our future together now. I totally agree everyone is entitled to their opinion but I can't bear bigotry, it just makes no sense to me. Is it possible to be in a relationship and be THAT different?

Why not take this opportunity to educate him or have a healthy debate about this🤷🏻‍♀️
Divorce is such an over reaction unless you are truly not happy in the marriage.

Rightly or wrongly everyone has an opinion does not Mean they are correct .. do you agree about every other issue??

Slightly comforted to know I’m not the only one disappointed in their partner re this. Reading with interest.

Also, I understand why some posters are surprised anyone is with a person and not aware of their views on racial issues. In my case I had believed DP thought a certain way (we are both of different mixed ethnicities, race has definitely come up in discussions) but now that the shit has hit the fan over here in the UK... !!!