To doubt my marriage over this..

[Beeech]

DH and I have been together for 7 years and have one child together.

Our marriage is great, he's a fantastic husband and father. I can't believe how lucky I've been.

But last night, he shocked me. Whilst discussing the BLM protests, he announced that he didn't believe white prividge doesn't exist. In fact, he believes that everyone has equal opportunity in this country. When I asked even women? He said that's different and unacceptable but he doesn't believe that skin colour doesn't impact the opportunities available to people.

I was gobsmacked and beyond furious at his ignorance. We had a big argument which had left me doubting if I can be with someone so fucking stupid!?

AIBU

When I read the title I knew before I even read it that it was about wonderful DH and BLM. The amount of these threads is ridiculous. Either you don't know your DH at all or you are the same as him but are now all interested in racial equality now that it is fashionable.

I think differences of opinion are fine (footy teams, marmite, even who you vote for to a certain degree) but some things are fundamental. I wouldn't want my children growing up with a "racism isn't real and nor is white privilege" no matter what their colour attitude.

For me, I couldn't let this drop. I would need to persuade them or leave them.

I'm afraid this would be a deal breaker for me.

Anyone who doesn't recognise that white men are the most privileged group in society is part of the problem imo. My politics and desire for equality are very important to me, and not imo to recognise the problem of institutionalised disadvantage is either ignorant or unethical. I can barely tolerate it among colleagues and casual aquaintances, certainly not in a partner.

But because it's very important to me, I would have found out long before marriage and children, probably before a second date. It's a bit of a standing joke among some of my friends that I have never knowingly snogged a Tory.

Every day women are being beaten, raped and abused by their husbands - children by their fathers and you want to leave your, otherwise wonderful, husband because he doesn’t agree with white privilege? Looks like he isn’t the only one who has no clue about privilege

I would try to source some good reading material and try to educate your husband.

The majority of white men think like this, so his views are definitely not unusual for his demographic. He doesn't deal with racism on a daily basis and in his experience, his colour is not a negative barrier to progress.

I would cut him some slack.

As a black woman, I don't expect the majority of white people to truly 'get it', and I don't often hold it against them, because, on a similar note, I have no idea about the daily lived experience of a gay person or the elderly, and perhaps even when their difficulties are explained to me, I might still undermine or misunderstand.

Perhaps with more discussion and some knowledge he might grow in his understanding.

If you were a person of colour and your white husband believes this, then you have a real reason to question your marriage, because he will never fully understand you.

...said the white male

Oh well he can’t relate and is refusing to open his mind. I wouldn’t end my marriage over it

This.

You're not doubting your marriage. You're doubting your ability to either educate or co-exist with someone who doesn't share your views.
Like a PP, I'm surprised you were unaware of his position. Yy you might not have discussed BLM or white privilege before but rather than getting caught up in terms, if you've been with someone for 7 years you can see how they act. You know whether he treats people with equity, whether he acknowledges and challenges oppression. I don't think the terms are important. The values are important. And I struggle to understand how you don't know his values after all this time. And if you do know his values and are just getting caught up in a semantics argument then YABU.

Obama was the first African american President why? before 2008 not a single black person was elected president.

That is an example.

Someone here once said. Fish don't see the water when they're swimming in it. I think that explains it perfectly.

In fact, he believes that everyone has equal opportunity in this country. When I asked even women?

Of course women have equal opportunity. Different outcomes do not necessarily mean unequal opportunity. More girls get top grades at A-Level. More girls attend university. What they do with the rest of their lives/careers is entirely in their hands.

In fact, interestingly, white working class boys are the most underrepresented group in the country in higher education.

Of course there are many different kinds of privilege, but it doesn't require a huge amount of empathy to get why a working class boy whose parent/s are are entrenched in poverty and doesnt have access to parental support, books etc, let alone extra curricular activities of any kind, might object to being told he is privileged by his skin colour.

And yes I know "white privilege" is a generalised term referring to structural prejudice and inequalities of outcome, but it is a rather, blunt, lazy term.

It doesnt differentiate between races and ethnic groups (Asian Americans, for example, outperform White Americans on nearly every educational and financial metric), doesnt account for class outcomes, different cultural values and practices and on and on. That is why it does get some peoples hackles up.

As a black woman, I don't expect the majority of white people to truly 'get it' , and I don't often hold it against them, because, on a similar note, I have no idea about the daily lived experience of a gay person or the elderly, and perhaps even when their difficulties are explained to me, I might still misunderstand.

What a beautiful comment, NoVegPlease. You sound like a wonderful person. Or in Mumsnet-speak: YABVVR!

I don’t think it’s worth questioning your marriage over. His views are different then yours probably due to lack of experience in this area. He’s a white man so doesn’t experience the differences a woman or a black person may have experienced so his blind to the problem. Educate him rather than divorce him.

End your marriage? Jesus Christ, get a grip! Have a conversation.

How can anyone ever change if you don’t calmly talk through views.

It's a free country. He can believe what he wants. Getting married doesn't mean you have to conform to your partners beliefs. Having said that it is usually a sign of compatibility that views are not too extreme in difference.

Well if you are doubting your marriage when it is otherwise happy, then go for it but you are an idiot

Totally agree with @NoVegPlease
Depends on where you live, what his job is, etc. If he doesn't come up against the issues in his everyday life, and always treats other people ethically, I don't see the issue.

Please don't forget that people can grow and change.

My DH has always said that positive discrimination is a poor idea, that people will be appointed to positions they aren't equipped to do well to fill the quotas, etc etc. This week he said he now sees that although it is flawed it is the only way we will see change for women and for BME people and their underrepresentation at senior levels.
Legislation was passed decades ago, but nothing has changed. So what if positive discrimination is "unfair"- the situation now is unfair.

Obviously you're upset about his views and the argument, but overall it sounds like you have a pretty good marriage. Also, you having a DC to consider. Another factor might be, he has only ever seen others being treated equally (I live in an area with a low BAME community, it really does feel that in this area everyone is treated equally, although, I'm not on the other side of the experience - I haven't seen racial tensions, I work in two places and I'm sure everyone is treated the same).

As an outsider (appreciating only you know how you feel), I'd like to say don't rush into making a decision. You seem to have a good life together, he's a good father and I guess other than the odd annoying thing and pressures of life in general, you've never questioned your feelings.

However, a huge number of people don't believe in it simply because nobody's every spoken to them about it;

^^
So he's THAT stupid he can't figure things out for himself!?

Talk about enabling

Yeah alarm bells would be going off for me if I was in a relationship with someone who is so ignorant and closed down to the fact that we are not all awarded the same opportunities in life and that can be down to our skin colour. It's far easier to pretend it doesn't exist than to accept it does and all the uncomfortable feelings that come with that realisation but we will raise our child with the same ignorance if we do not open our eyes and educate. These are our human rights.

Like atome said, there is no need to have a discussion on a particular discussion with a specific terminology.

Surely, knowing your partner stance on these issue(also political party preference, feminism, all pressing, sometimes controversial things that might be important to you) is part of getting to know them, before you decide you are compatible as a couple and can respect their outlook on life and agree with it.

You don’t divorce someone over a gap in their knowledge. You inform and educate them.

My husband has a similar view to yours and we are talking about it, can you talk to him more about it and ask him to read? My husband is willing to discuss the topic. I can understand why it is hard for my husband to see, he lives a very sheltered life, we live a very rural northern area and in all honesty our area is very white, dh's school and l college was totally white. Neither of us have lived or really spent time in the city so our experience and view is very sheltered but that is no excuse and we are having the conversation.