To doubt my marriage over this..

[Beeech]

DH and I have been together for 7 years and have one child together.

Our marriage is great, he's a fantastic husband and father. I can't believe how lucky I've been.

But last night, he shocked me. Whilst discussing the BLM protests, he announced that he didn't believe white prividge doesn't exist. In fact, he believes that everyone has equal opportunity in this country. When I asked even women? He said that's different and unacceptable but he doesn't believe that skin colour doesn't impact the opportunities available to people.

I was gobsmacked and beyond furious at his ignorance. We had a big argument which had left me doubting if I can be with someone so fucking stupid!?

AIBU

I grew up in a very very white area, I don’t think I even met a a non white person face to face until I was in my late teens.

I can easily see how, if I hadn’t moved to a more diverse area and made friends with non white people that I wouldn’t see white privilege or understand it.

Working class and affluent at the same time? So you have differing backgrounds. You cannot expect everyone to agree with you. People know when they don’t really gel and perhaps you and DP don’t.

He's entitled to his opinion, not worth splitting up over. I'm sure you don't agree on lots of things. X

@educationwhateducation living without being beaten by your spouse isnt privilege... it should be the norm. Yes, people post about abusive partners, but the bar shouldn't be oh my DH doesnt beat me hurrah what a prince

"Why I am no longer talking to White People About Race"

I honestly think being female is a greater disdvantage (sic) than being a darker skin colour in today's jobs market but that's just my opinion

I can see how you would think this. There are terrific disadvantages to being a woman at work and lots of harassment which goes with it.

What I will say, I worked recently at a very, very large organisation. At my office of hundreds, approx 1/3 women, and there was one black man. One. Well, that's not true. There was a black man and woman - they were the cleaning contractors. In all my time there, I never saw, met or dealt with another black employee. Statistically, there should have been hundreds working in well paid technical roles. There weren't.

That is the epitome of structural inequality.

I think job roles go back to upbringing and influences. I truly believe the DC of people with middle class roles such as nursing, electrician, doctor etc are more likely to have dc who will aspire to those roles. If parents are not exposing dc to technical roles such as Engineering, then dc don’t look at it as a career for them. However different ethnic minorities look at careers very differently.

There are also differences in behaviour in school and there needs to be greater evaluation of why more black dc are excluded when compared to dc of Indian heritage for example. Are the schools racist or is there more to it than that? Why does it go wrong for black dc? What influences career choices?

I’m a great believer in mentors and that all dc should aim high. I would start with very young children and intervene earlier. White poorer men don’t do so well either. It adds up to poor outcomes for too many people which then adversely affects the next generation.

My0My if you watch the author that I posted she describes all the hurdles a working-class black boy would have to overcome to be a professional. Of course we may say the same about a white working-class boy but even if he has no family members who ever went to university or overcame poverty, he only has to look around and turn on the TV to see white men in every single role in society: Prime Minister, political interviewers, CEOs, judges, barristers, pub landlords, union leaders, doctors, head teachers - there is not one role of status and power (except Monarch and that will change when our current Queen dies) where a white man is not at the top (and in most other other well-paid significant positions).

Black men are usually seen as athletes and entertainers. Positions without much structural power that cannot be inherited. It's a lot easier to become a lawyer if your dad is a lawyer than become an athlete of national prominence like your dad, you have to hope he's good with money and has invested for the future. It's the inherited wealth and status that makes a big difference. The insider information that helps you network and get given opportunities within an already existing social structure.

Of course class plays a huge part but at least you could visual someone who looks like you in the position.

I actually think there are plenty of black people who see beyond this. The same as women do. They want to be the first. They want to break down barriers. I don’t think life is all about feeling trapped because you don’t see people like you having a good job.

I’m old enough to remember the first black footballers. The first black British athletes. Someone has to be first.

The key to improvement is working out how to do something. DD is a barrister. One of her friends is a male black barrister. Working class deprived background. But.... he found out what he needed to do to succeed and didn’t think he couldn’t do it because not so many do. There are generous funds to help but students have to apply. They have to want it. I don’t believe black people don’t believe in themselves. I believe with mentoring, guidance and talent they absolutely can succeed in any field.

0My0My
The key to improvement is working out how to do something. DD is a barrister. One of her friends is a male black barrister. Working class deprived background. But.... he found out what he needed to do to succeed and didn’t think he couldn’t do it because not so many do. There are generous funds to help but students have to apply. They have to want it. I don’t believe black people don’t believe in themselves. I believe with mentoring, guidance and talent they absolutely can succeed in any field.

Yes the key is to believe in yourself but no amount of self belief overcomes inbuilt racism, if no one says yes to you. If no one says yes to the course you are qualified to do. Yes to the funding being offered to you. Yes to the internships and yes to the job being offered to you.

No amount of self believe (talent, education, hardwork and a good attitude) overcomes when other people say no to you because of the colour of your skin.

I think lots of companies and institutions are pleased to help black working class DC. Not all of course. I totally understand that.,However if you don’t look around and see where you could be successful, then you simply won’t progress.

I’m hoping there is now a huge change to recruitment policies. But young black people have to get to the stage of applying with confidence. There’s work to be done to achieve that.

Clearly if you have been together this long and the subject of race and white privilege has only just been raised, then it is hardly a cause that is very dear to your heart either, OP. Maybe think about what that says about you.