AIBU - to want my children to have their own bedroom

[newmum332]

I’m due to have twins in July with my DH. We have been together for 5 years and they will be my first children. He has 2 dd’s from his previous relationship, aged 7 and 10.

For context I have obviously been in his dd’s lives for 5 years and I have always been close to them, they are really lovely little girls and we also get on well with his ex partner, there is no animosity.

They normally stay with us every other weekend (pre coronavirus) and 1-2 nights during the week depending on work/school schedules. Sometimes one will stay without the other. We have always been as flexible as possible and happily have them to stay last minute if they want to see their dad during the week when it’s not scheduled.

It was always our plan to have the dsd’s move into the biggest out of the bedrooms, and share when they are here. We would let them pick new furniture decorate etc. Either have bunk beds or 2 singles, whatever they wanted. And then new dc’s would each have a bedroom.

However since we have mentioned this to them, oldest dsd really isn’t happy about it. Saying she might not stay as often and has become less excited about the twins arriving, has pretty moved stopped mentioning it to be honest. Dh is now feeling guilty and feels like we are evicting them from their bedrooms to make way for babies. This isn’t the case. He is having doubts and suggesting the twins could share as they are babies and will need less space, which technically is true but I just want them to have their own rooms.

AIBU to expect our children who will live with us full time to have their own bedrooms, and dsd’s to share when they are here together (which isn’t even all the time). I don’t want to upset anyone and don’t want our dsd to stop coming to see us as often. I feel like she’s almost giving us an ultimatum, is this normal for 10 yo? She has never done anything like this before. I feel like we are running out of time and I want to enjoy the last few weeks without worrying.

My girls shared until they were 7 and 10. When we moved to give them more space they had “sleepovers” every non school night anyway.

They are 21 and 24 now and have gone into lockdown together. It makes me so happy that they have a good bond.

You sound like a very caring stepmom OP; you can easily swing this round so that your stepdaughters feel you are listening and their feelings are being validated. Doing a U turn on this could be really positive for all of you.

My twins shared a room until they were 6 even though we had a spare bedroom of the same size! They loved it, and we only split them up as one was starting to have difficulties getting to sleep in the evening as was disturbing the other.

I think that the two oldest should keep their own rooms, and the twins should be in their room together until they are around six. Maybe a discussion to have then, but I certainly wouldn't separate the two babies, and make the two older girls share. I think that feels massively like you're pushing them out, and seems really damaging to the really good relationship that you've obviously built up with them. Certainly I would reconsider, and somehow smooth things over so that you can move forward happily as a family.

Posted without reading your response. Dont feel bad! Do what PP says. Tell them they were right and they will love you forever! It will probably make the whole situation better that this issue came up as it shows you listen to them.

My b/g twins were in the same bedroom until they were 6. We then changed to separate bedrooms as they had different sleeping patterns.

If you did similar you would buy 6 years of time by which time your eldest sd would be 16/7 and less likely to want to spend as much time at your house?

So your DH DC have a room each in your home, they have to share at there mums. You say they have a brother too now at there mums - is he also the reason there sharing because they happen to be girls? Now you and DH are having twins and want to shove them in a room together too to make way for your babies. Feel sorry for the girls as both parents have prioritised new siblings. I am glad you are now going to leave the girls in there own rooms and let them enjoy spending time with there new siblings. Sounds like the enjoy staying at yours. Glad you have reconsidered but your going to have to repair the damage you have done....

I have boy/girl twins. They shared a room until they were about 7 or 8 I think, until DTD decided she wanted her own room and moved out. They're almost 12 now and still often 'sleep over' in each other's rooms.
When they were babies, they shared a cot, and DTD particularly slept much better when her brother was there too.

I really get the idea that you don't want them to be expected to 'share' more than other siblings because they're twins - and you might find you do need to fight that battle for them on occasion, but as everyone else has said, and you've recognised, that isn't the case here. I guess further down the line when/if everyone wants their own space you'll have some decisions to make, but that could be years away.

Agree with a PP who said this is a good chance to make your DSD feel listened to and validated. And congratulations on your twins - it's a very special experience.

I do think, once they are older they will want their own room (mine, both girls, wanted their own room at about 5 and got them at about 7 but others like to share for longer). So it makes sense for you to talk with your DH about how you're going to be able to make that happen down the line.

I don't think you are unreasonable for thinking your twins, who are going to be sleeping, playing, entertaining, doing homework, etc. in your house 7 days a week, will need their own rooms more than your DSDs who are their only part time, but you seem to have failed to see how putting them in together would look to them. Because I think it's fairly obvious it would come over negatively.

Children are often surprisingly insecure about their parents love, especially in situations with siblings and melded families. They really need to have their own importance constantly reinforced (which doesn't mean just giving them everything they want, but it does mean being aware of how decisions can seem unequal). I would suggest trying to spend a bit more time thinking about how to blend your new children in without making the current ones feel like they are being pushed out.

Crikey op you have got your timing completely wrong. Its going to come across to step daughters that even though the babies are not born, they take priority. Even if you didnt mean it this way and your being practical. I'd leave it for a good while. The twins will be in with you ideally for first year then I'd be planning to sleep them in the same room until around 5.

10 is tricky age for girls. Possibly coming into puberty, perhaps if she is the eldest she is feeling she is made to constantly compromise for younger siblings in both families.

*Meant to say in the first paragraph "But, as others have said, they don't need separate rooms straight away.".

But the SD is not wrong, you are evicting her from her bedroom to give to your twins? Sorry OP but in my experience the twins when older will probably want to share bedrooms, and even as baby's I would not separate them, Yabu.

I agree with everyone else. Your twins can share.

Not sure how you can say you prioritise them the same and didn't think it would be an issue at all, while also saying you would hate for your children to not have their own room if that's what they wanted but OK.

I think if you talk to your DSC and tell them you listened to what they said, thought about it some more and realised they were right, they will be really happy that you took them seriously. And in 5-6 years time you can review it again.

My 3 DSes all shared for a couple of years, by their choice, until DS1 was 9 or so and he got the box room to himself. They were happier in together when they were little.

Thank you everyone, I agree and we are definitely going to explain that we were wrong and it was unfair of us to ask them to share. We have asked if we can FaceTime them later tonight so we can try to rectify this as soon as possible and put things right. The last thing I want is to cause any hurt or make them feel pushed out.

To anyone who is commenting that they think there is more to this etc and I want to prioritise my new babies, that is completely not true. It was just poorly thought out by us and that’s our fault, but it’s hard being a parent and we all make mistakes at times. I’m hoping there is no long term damage done and we can all enjoy the last few weeks looking forward to the twins arrival.

Same room as you for 6 months
Move in to on room together
If that proves unworkable ie one good sleep one awful, then you sir down with dc and explain situation - that going to have to give the twins separate rooms in short term as no one getting any sleep until it gets better
When it gets better, get the twins back together. If works - great. They can stay like that until when they ask to part
If doesn’t work - then you say the twins need separate. Sdc will be older then - 12 say. So more reasonable (hope!). Plus she would have experienced the disrupted nights.

All good. No drama.

By the time you'll be thinking about putting the twins in separate rooms the oldest step daughter probably won't be visiting as much anyway. You've got years before you need to address this.

@newmum332 This parenting lark is a minefield. We all make mistakes along the way - and it repairable with your DSD. Possibly frame it in terms of wanting to hear her solution to having extra people in the house and ask her why. That way she knows she is listened to, you consider her as part of your family and you are willing to change your mind if she puts a good argument forward as to why. You then don't get into a position that she thinks that each time she has a tantrum you will back down.

Good luck

YABU
We have a history of twins in my family and twins prefer to be in the same room, especially when babies/toddlers. I have 11yr old identical twin nephews and they still prefer to sleep in the same bedroom.
I would set aside the largest room for the twins to share.
The 10yr old really is at an age where she needs privacy, so she should definitely have her own room.
By the time your twins are old enough to want their own rooms, the 10yr old will be at least 20 and out on her own, not using a room.

Bless you, OP.
It’s a really exciting time having your first baby, and you’ve got the bonus of two! Congratulations. I too had children with a man who had already had two with his first wife, and it does raise some interesting dilemmas.
If I were you (and I appreciate I’m not), then I would allow the twins the closeness of a shared room for a good few years, and then reconsider.
I remember my stepdaughter burst into tears when me and her dad got engaged, and although she was ultimately happy for us, and is now a wonderful grown up, please don’t underestimate how hard it is fie an established child to adjust to a new normal...
Good luck with your pregnancy.

Sorry, missed the update.
Don’t worry, children love it when they can get parents to change their minds. They are very forgiving and it will mean a new dimension to your relationship. First that you are not perfect people. Second that you do listen to them. And third, that you care enough about them and their feelings to adjust things.

Really glad to see your update :)

@newmum332 your DSd will probably feel very relieved hope you enjoy the rest of the pregnancy - exciting

I think sharing a room (in the early years at least) is a whole different thing to dressing them the same.
My nephews are identical, and my sister was adamant from Day One that they would never dress alike or be referred to as "the twins." They always had individual birthday cakes, cards, gifts, friends, parent consultation appointments, the lot.
But they always shared a room and loved doing so. There was a time in the early days when one would end up being woken at night by the other crying, and for a while one cot went in a different room for a few weeks, but beyond that, they shared.