AIBU - to want my children to have their own bedroom

[newmum332]

I’m due to have twins in July with my DH. We have been together for 5 years and they will be my first children. He has 2 dd’s from his previous relationship, aged 7 and 10.

For context I have obviously been in his dd’s lives for 5 years and I have always been close to them, they are really lovely little girls and we also get on well with his ex partner, there is no animosity.

They normally stay with us every other weekend (pre coronavirus) and 1-2 nights during the week depending on work/school schedules. Sometimes one will stay without the other. We have always been as flexible as possible and happily have them to stay last minute if they want to see their dad during the week when it’s not scheduled.

It was always our plan to have the dsd’s move into the biggest out of the bedrooms, and share when they are here. We would let them pick new furniture decorate etc. Either have bunk beds or 2 singles, whatever they wanted. And then new dc’s would each have a bedroom.

However since we have mentioned this to them, oldest dsd really isn’t happy about it. Saying she might not stay as often and has become less excited about the twins arriving, has pretty moved stopped mentioning it to be honest. Dh is now feeling guilty and feels like we are evicting them from their bedrooms to make way for babies. This isn’t the case. He is having doubts and suggesting the twins could share as they are babies and will need less space, which technically is true but I just want them to have their own rooms.

AIBU to expect our children who will live with us full time to have their own bedrooms, and dsd’s to share when they are here together (which isn’t even all the time). I don’t want to upset anyone and don’t want our dsd to stop coming to see us as often. I feel like she’s almost giving us an ultimatum, is this normal for 10 yo? She has never done anything like this before. I feel like we are running out of time and I want to enjoy the last few weeks without worrying.

Yanbu for wanting the twins to have their own rooms, but I think that is years down the line and your step children need the rooms more.

My DTs are 2.5 and love sharing a room. When they were tiny babies they shared a bed, at 8 weeks they slept separately but have always needed each other particularly at bed time - hearing her brother breathe soothes my dd, and they don’t settle if one is missing. If one kid is away for any reason the other one wanders around searching for their twin and seem so sad, I’d hate to split them up yet until they’re ready and choose it for themselves.

All the twins I know share, mine included. Even just after they were born they snuggled as close to each other as they could and would cry if they weren’t together. Their bond is something unique to them, and whilst I’m sure it could change as they get older I’m not going to be the one to separate them.

All the twins I know shareD at least until they were 7 or 8 so I would not even give separating them any consideration at the moment

My twins are 6 and still want to share a room

YABU because you do not need twins to have seperate bedrooms for years yet. Give it a few years at least.

Almost seems mean putting the twins in separate rooms when they are babies. I've know families with twins, where the twins are in the same cot for months as the babies find it comforting.

I would live the older girls in their own rooms and the twins share until nearer school age and maybe longer if they are very close.
I would be going back to the older girls quickly on this as well - less time for the dissatisfaction is fester.

All twins I know shared their room, my best friend growing up was a twin and they shared their room until they went to Uni. They wanted to. It makes sense for them to share for as long as possible IMO.

That's I would leave the older girls in their own rooms

My 2 youngest aren’t twins but a year apart in age and have always shared I asked them if they’d like their own rooms (9&10) and neither did they’ve always been together so it’s not an issue now really is it?

Surely you want your dsd to feel secure and wanted at a time where they might feel a bit replaced or pushed out, keeping your babies together will be much easier and yes it’s their home but it’s also your step daughters home when they are there, even for only 1-2 days and twins will be massive upheaval for them when they visit. Personally I’d prioritise 2 little girls who know what’s going on over 2 who will be quite happy near you and with each other for the foreseeable further tbh.
You sound like you have a big house and space to make your babies a beautiful nursery together until they are old enough to decide if they want to share or not plenty time yet

I would definitely keep the twins together. They will grow up used to it (unlike the older children) and will actively like it while they are young and play together. Most kids don’t start fretting about not having their own rooms until they are much older. Who knows where you will be by then - you might have moved or had other changes to your circumstances. There’s no point in making the older kids unhappy for years when it won’t benefit the younger ones.

I'd switch it, put the twins together in the bigger room and the other girls get separate rooms.
Unless the twins are different genders then they get separate rooms.

They will obviously be in with us for at least the first 6 months, I was thinking beyond that.

Maybe I was being naive to think it was important. I definitely don't want to upset dsd and make them feel like they are being pushed out in anyway, I love dsd very much and would never want to treat them unfairly or make them feel alienated. I was thinking more because of the face the twins would be here 100% of the time it made sense to me. I can understand the point though and now it has been said from that point of view I will leave it. Thanks @Smallsteps88 I will try that, hopefully I can undo any damage that may have been done.

I should have mentioned this in first post but DSD's share a bedroom at their mums house, as they have 3 bedrooms, and they have a ds 4 too. Not sure if that makes any difference but it seems to be a resounding AIBU anyway.

When you are getting up in the night you DEFINITELY want those DTs in the same room. I would suggest the best plan is probably to put them in the biggest room and have a single daybed in there if you can, so you can feed lounging on pillows (much easier with DTs that in a chair), and you can swop sleeping in there with sleeping undisturbed for a while as sleep may be a tad 'disrupted' for some time...
Also you want and a war chest fuck off big changing station as that will be in use every 10 seconds for a while too.

Mine went from shared co-sleeper cot in our room, to shared cot (that turned into a cotbed), to a cot bed each in the same room, to toddler beds in the same room. Only when they were 6 did they move into different rooms because they are boy-girl. They're now 8 and I still find them curled up in the smallest bed reading sometimes.

Is there a reason you want the twins to have their own rooms?

I know a few sets of twins and all share/have shared until about 6 years old. Mine are 6 and 4 and I’ve only just put them in separate bedrooms, they shared by choice. Even now they’re in separate rooms they have sleepovers in DD2’s room every weekend (she has bunk beds).

Dh is now feeling guilty and feels like we are evicting them from their bedrooms to make way for babies. This isn’t the case

But that's exactly the case? Babies share until they are old enough to ask for separate rooms, then you can have a family meeting to decide what is most reasonable. Could be that the oldest has her own life by then and isn't even interested in staying overnight that often, or you have moved or extended anyway. Kicking them out in favour of babies who really do not need to have their own rooms will not be good for the sibling relationship.

I think I'd back down on this one and the twins would share. I would hope that if the twins were toddlers/older and they wanted separate rooms that they would then swap with their sisters.

OP if they share at their mums they may especially value having their own space at your house - it sounds like it’s really important to the elder one at least.

Glad you’re having a rethink. By the time your babies are old enough to want their own rooms your DSDs may not stay often anyway.

@moveandmove I was really thinking it would matter more if they are different sexes, we haven't found out, but as pointed out this wouldn't be a problem until they are older and into different things. I don't want them to feel like just because they are twins they have to share, have to dress the same etc. I would hate for them to not have their own bedrooms if they wanted them. But again sounds like a conversation for further down the line and it seem they will want to share anyway based on comments.

I agree with pps - I find the thought of twin babies being in their own separate rooms really odd. You won't need to think about this for years. Anything you can do to not make the girls feel pushed aside is worth considering anyway - but this is a no-brainier.

It would be madness to put twin babies in different rooms imo. I would wait until they were at least 5 before giving them their own rooms anyway. And nicer for your SDs.

Sorry, posted after your update!
My two (DD and DS) are 16 months apart and happily shared until they were 6 and 5. They loved it and never asked to be separated - I just thought when DS started Junior school it would be good idea.

Also, our two boys (2 years apart) actually wanted to carry on sharing even though there was another room waiting for them and they were 8 and 6 by the time they wanted their own space.

Odd to put babies and toddlers in separate rooms. We have a spare room but my boys love to stay together - they wouldn't even think about having their own room. I wouldn't anticipate this being an issue for years yet.

It would be really impractical for them not to share. Twins are hard work but giving them their own rooms will make things more difficult, if they are both crying you won't be able to get to both at once. You need them to be running on the same timetable otherwise you will have double the work and no sleep!

Having the bigger room with some kind of comfy chair or bed in it makes sense as with babies I found I spent half my life on the floor in their rooms trying to get them to sleep!!!

I expect the 10 year old was really happy to have her own room at yours if she doesn't have it at home.

As a mother of twin girls, I wouldn't recommend separating them. Mine even shared a cot in the beginning as they settled so much better together.
They are now 16, they could have their own rooms if they wished, but choose to remain together. Never underestimate the bond of twins. it's a beautiful thing.