AIBU - to want my children to have their own bedroom

[newmum332]

I’m due to have twins in July with my DH. We have been together for 5 years and they will be my first children. He has 2 dd’s from his previous relationship, aged 7 and 10.

For context I have obviously been in his dd’s lives for 5 years and I have always been close to them, they are really lovely little girls and we also get on well with his ex partner, there is no animosity.

They normally stay with us every other weekend (pre coronavirus) and 1-2 nights during the week depending on work/school schedules. Sometimes one will stay without the other. We have always been as flexible as possible and happily have them to stay last minute if they want to see their dad during the week when it’s not scheduled.

It was always our plan to have the dsd’s move into the biggest out of the bedrooms, and share when they are here. We would let them pick new furniture decorate etc. Either have bunk beds or 2 singles, whatever they wanted. And then new dc’s would each have a bedroom.

However since we have mentioned this to them, oldest dsd really isn’t happy about it. Saying she might not stay as often and has become less excited about the twins arriving, has pretty moved stopped mentioning it to be honest. Dh is now feeling guilty and feels like we are evicting them from their bedrooms to make way for babies. This isn’t the case. He is having doubts and suggesting the twins could share as they are babies and will need less space, which technically is true but I just want them to have their own rooms.

AIBU to expect our children who will live with us full time to have their own bedrooms, and dsd’s to share when they are here together (which isn’t even all the time). I don’t want to upset anyone and don’t want our dsd to stop coming to see us as often. I feel like she’s almost giving us an ultimatum, is this normal for 10 yo? She has never done anything like this before. I feel like we are running out of time and I want to enjoy the last few weeks without worrying.

It’s a tricky one. My twins shared a room until they were 7 or 8, firstly a cot each, then bunk beds, then the bunks separated into single beds. They didn’t want to be apart until they were older, when we moved house and had the extra bedroom. They had the largest room so we could fit in a desk and drawers each when they wanted their own storage space. It was much easier when they were babies to have them in the same room so while feeding or changing one, the other could be seen and chatted to in her cot rather than crying in a separate room, and then when they were toddlers and had daytime naps, they would keep eachother entertained when they woke up. You really don’t want to be running from one room to another in those early days. Plus I wouldn’t risk alienating the older girls.

Also expecting twins at the moment. Certainly in the short term, we are planning for ours to share a room - they will be in with us for at least the first 6 months anyway, and then we'll see how it pans out. We have one DD already, and coslept with her until she was 2 because that worked really well for us (it wasn't the original plan, but we were happy with it).

It doesn't seem to quite make sense to have two girls of different ages sharing a room with twin babies in their own rooms. Surely they'll share a lot when they are babies anyway, so two rooms just seems like extra work? You'll probably be trying to keep them on the same timetable of night feeds etc for your own sanity anyway.

Your dsd will need a safe haven to store their things and be on their own away from the twins as they get mobile and start grabbing everything. They may need their own rooms more than the twins!

I have twins and I was very ready to separate them into their own rooms as they were a nightmare at bedtime, so you may need to reconsider things as they grow. Have you got a second reception room you could make into a bedroom?

If they have the biggest room, there will be space for them to be their own people in terms of toys/clothes/decor. My 6 year olds are about as individual as possible but they've always shared a room

Sorry but you are pushing your step kids out at bit. I am really surprised you would even consider this as an issue just now. Babies need to be in the adults room for at least 6 months anyway. Twins rarely sleep well in separate rooms when young. They naturally want to be together. I would give them the same room until they were about 6 at least,

Glad you have realise they don’t need their own room for now. My twins are six and share a bed never mind a room. They have their own beds but flatly refuse to use one of them. As babies they shared a cot bed, once out of NICU they shared a cot in the special care nursery.

We do have a spare room for when they are older if they want to use it.

I just want them to have their own rooms.
Don't do it. Even if they go into their own room at 6 months, they'll still be having night feeds. I can do mine simultaneously because they're next to each other. One set of drawers etc whilst they're small because quite frankly if they're same sex why would they have their "own" set of clothes (and mine are rarely dressed the same I just refuse to insist only T1 can wear the red trousers) and even if opposite sex there's plenty of crossover unless you're going rigid pink and blue. Toys in one place. And they talk to each other at 5 am not ME which means I can go back to sleep. When they've got a sickness bug or have injections and have temperatures you're doing it all in one room.
If they're opposite sex deal with that later. And if you have another baby after the twins it will have to be reconsidered again but for now I'd tell the girls you realise they should stay in their rooms and the babies can share (not the babies want to share so you can keep your rooms, subtle but important difference).

I’m also surprised you’re picking this hill to die on right now. Your life will be so much easier having the twins share for the first five years or so.

The whole post smacks a bit of these are my kids so they come first. Even when it’s not going to benefit you.

It’s the very definition of cutting your nose off to spite your face.

My child slept in our room until she was 9 months old.

All the twins I know shared a room, often until they are 5+.

Lots of close together children share rooms too, it's nicer for them to have someone to sleep with.

Don't discount the comfort small children take in going to sleep /waking up with their best mate right there to babble or chat to.

Our older sons were 11 months apart and shared a room until they were ten.
My M/F twin grandchildren shared a room from the day they came home from maternity hospital (where they also shared a single cot). They still share a room (age 9) in a big house where they could easily have separate rooms but have always preferred to share. They were asked quite recently if they wanted their own rooms yet. GS said "Not yet." GD replied " Maybe soon, but it can wait until he's ready too."

If I were you I'd keep the babies together in one room ; by the time they are old enough to want their own rooms the SD's will be ready to leave home/off to college etc.

I agree with the majority- give the twins the big room together and see where you are in 10 years time - by which time the eldest girl might be off to uni anyway.

I also think you’ve a bit of making up to do with the eldest girl. Perhaps jazz up her bedroom too, make her feel at home and not second to her new siblings.

AS pretty much everyone seems to have already said, this isn't a problem for now, but for much farther down the line.
Twins don't need to be separated as babies, or as toddlers - they don't really need to separate until much older than that.

I have younger sibling twins - they were kept in the same room until they were around 6, when they really started to diverge in what they wanted - then they were given separate rooms and both rooms decorated according to their wishes.

So I'd say you've got a good 5-6 years left before you have to worry about this! And that's really only if they're different sex twins - if they're the same sex, they may want to stay together anyway.

I think it's actually unkind to them to separate them early anyway - they've spent their whole life in close contact with this other body so far, why would you want to take that away from them immediately?

Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy - and enjoy the twins when they arrive.

I would expect twins to share. Put them in the biggest room, and they won't want or need their own rooms until well after the time that the DSC have probably stopped staying overnight.

I would put the twins in together. That would work fine. When they are older you can relook at bedroom space but now is not necessary. The twins will probably like it anyway.

I share with my sister until I was 10 and she was 8. There were 2 spare rooms. With twins, even if different sexes, there will most likely be a very strong bond. I think you're about 5 years ahead of yourself here. It's an issue you can address when you get to it.

When the step daughters become teenagers you might be able to put one of them downstairs (assuming they are currently all upstairs).

@newmum332 - I think you deserve respect for accepting what people have said - and I am sure your step daughters will be happy if you say you’ve thought about it, and the twins will be sharing, so they get to keep their rooms.

Give the twins the biggest room to share and if and when they don't want to ( which may not be for another 10 years) the oldest will probably have moved out.

It sounds like DSD could be feeling a little pushed out over the twins.

Personally I would keep the twins in the same bedroom until they're around 5 or 6. Then consider moving them into their own rooms.

Older children will value their own space more than younger children. I had to share a bedroom with my sister and I absolutely hated it - it was fine when we were younger, but when we were teenagers it was just awful.

My twins didn't want separate rooms until they were about 10. Even if you put them into separate rooms at age 8, your eldest DSD will be 18 then and things will be very different. You are really making work for yourself if you put your twins into separate rooms during the years where you are still putting them to bed.

@Bluntness100 That is absolutely not the case at all. If it was I wouldn't even be questioning myself if that was my intension of putting my own children first, I would just do it!

I don't know anyone with twins and naively was unaware they would share a room for so long past the baby stage. I was also thinking along the lines of them being at our house all the time as opposed to dsd's. It is not a case of putting them first.

They won’t need their own rooms until they are much much older, by which time oldest step daughter will either be staying less or will have moved in with you full time.

Stick with the two younger kids sharing a room for now.

I have twins and I put them in together, even though there was a spare bedroom. They didn't get their own rooms until about 10 years old because they didn't want to be separated. I think as babies it is much easier to have them in one room anyway (and less stuff to either buy or cart about - changing mat, wipes etc) Good luck OP!!

It is likely your twins will want to share a room until they are at least 5-ish anyway probably longer, so no need to even bring up now and cause upset to step children who will already be wondering about their place when dad has children that live with him with 100% of the time.

My ds is an only so never hit the problem with rooms, but there is only 15 months between my niece and nephew and they shared a room (even though they had the option of separate rooms) until they were 8-ish, they prefered to sleep with some company in the room until then.