AIBU - to want my children to have their own bedroom

[newmum332]

I’m due to have twins in July with my DH. We have been together for 5 years and they will be my first children. He has 2 dd’s from his previous relationship, aged 7 and 10.

For context I have obviously been in his dd’s lives for 5 years and I have always been close to them, they are really lovely little girls and we also get on well with his ex partner, there is no animosity.

They normally stay with us every other weekend (pre coronavirus) and 1-2 nights during the week depending on work/school schedules. Sometimes one will stay without the other. We have always been as flexible as possible and happily have them to stay last minute if they want to see their dad during the week when it’s not scheduled.

It was always our plan to have the dsd’s move into the biggest out of the bedrooms, and share when they are here. We would let them pick new furniture decorate etc. Either have bunk beds or 2 singles, whatever they wanted. And then new dc’s would each have a bedroom.

However since we have mentioned this to them, oldest dsd really isn’t happy about it. Saying she might not stay as often and has become less excited about the twins arriving, has pretty moved stopped mentioning it to be honest. Dh is now feeling guilty and feels like we are evicting them from their bedrooms to make way for babies. This isn’t the case. He is having doubts and suggesting the twins could share as they are babies and will need less space, which technically is true but I just want them to have their own rooms.

AIBU to expect our children who will live with us full time to have their own bedrooms, and dsd’s to share when they are here together (which isn’t even all the time). I don’t want to upset anyone and don’t want our dsd to stop coming to see us as often. I feel like she’s almost giving us an ultimatum, is this normal for 10 yo? She has never done anything like this before. I feel like we are running out of time and I want to enjoy the last few weeks without worrying.

The DSDs don't live there permanently, of course the permanent residents should have a room each and the others share.

Why would you want to separate them? Surely they would share until they were old enough to ask to have separate rooms?!

The babies should be in your room for the first 6 months anyway. You didn’t need to have this conversation before they are even here. They won’t know any different and won’t care for years, whereas this is a difficult time for your stepdaughter who may be feeling insecure anyway about being pushed out by 2 new babies at once who will be with her dad full time. If you want her to have a good relationship with your babies (who will adore her) then you need to be a bit more sensitive.

I shared a room with my twin until we were in our early teens, even though there was another room that i could have had (and eventually did). When we were babies we were in the smallest bedroom in the house because it was next to my parents' room and it made it easier to deal with us, and then we had a bigger room where we could play/fight together. It made it much easier for our parents!

Also, if it's part of making sure both twins have their own identity, rather than just being "the twins", then sharing a room makes no difference. We were always individuals - even if my mum does still refer to us as "the girls" (we're nearly 40...). That bit is down to how you treat them eg don't dress them alike all the time.

The older girls need their own rooms far more than the babies do.

You'll quickly get bored of walking back and forth between the two rooms the twins would have. I'll be easier to have 1 pile of nappies, wipes, clothes etc altogether. They don't need their own rooms till much older.

I'm confused as to why you want to separate your twins?
I know a couple twin mums, and the majority keep them together and are planning to until they're in their teens.

DSis and I shared a bed until we were about 5/6 (we’re a year apart in age) and then separate beds in same room until about 9/10.

Why would twin babies need separate rooms? They're not even born yet!

You're inviting trouble and giving yourself a headache when you don't need to.

Even if you had enough bedrooms for everyone to have their own, it would be really unusual not to have the twins sharing whilst they’re babies/toddlers. They shouldn’t be in their own room before 6 months anyway, it’ll be easier to have all the baby stuff in one place and they’ll likely want to share whilst still very young. Give your step daughters their own rooms and reassess the arrangement in a few years.

As babies? No. I don't think it's necessary right now that they have their own rooms.

As older children? Yes I would consider giving them their own rooms. They live their full time. It makes no sense to have two rooms sitting empty for the majority of the time although lots of people will try to tell you that it is.

As a previous poster said. Having to have a nappies and wipes and everything in 2 seperate rooms will be a pain, if they both wake at the same time having to run back and forth will be a nightmare plus I think twins sleep much better when together as they are so used to having each other there!!

Live there**

@DomDoesWotHeWants the problem for kids of separated parents though is that they don’t live permanently in either house though- and it’s really easy to feel like you’re second best/not a real family member in both of your “homes”.

I think it's fair to have the twins share for now and the older two to have their own rooms as I think it will make them feel pushed out

I would keep your DSD in their individual rooms at least for now. It'll be a huge upheaval for them to have 2 new siblings at once let alone losing their rooms. Especially losing their rooms to babies who may end up settling better together anyway and will be in your room for at least the first 6 months if not more.

The DSDs may naturally stay with you less in a few years time when they reach teens and are spending more time with friends anyway so the situation may resolve itself with no resentment issues. I know they aren't with you even 50% of the time but it's about more than that - it's about their place in their Dad's life which they will feel shaky about as it is. I think they need all the reassurance possible just now.

My DS's room was literally just a place to sleep until very recently and he's 8!

I can see both sides. When they're older it makes no sense the twins sharing a room when you will have 2 other rooms empty most of the time. But at the moment I'd put them in together. In 5 years time or whatever the older one may not even be staying overnight with you anymore so I'd cross that bridge when you come to it.

The twins will prefer to share a bedroom until they are at least 8 or 9, by which time your eldest DSD will be an adult and capable of coping with the fact that her younger siblings need more space in the house (or you may be in a position to move to a bigger house by then anyway).

This is a non-issue. Give the twins the biggest non-master bedroom, and let the 2 DSDs have their own smaller bedrooms.

The twins will likely not want or need their own rooms until they are teenagers. By which time the older girls will be moving on in life and will be rarely staying over. Put the twins together in the biggest room. More space for two beds when they need them.

Ah op, I think you're causing yourself unnecessary grief here.

You really didnt need to have this conversation.

I hope DSDs alright.

And you are too. Enjoy your pregnancy

I'd wait. Babies really do not need their own rooms. When they get older then fair enough but babies don't care either way!

I have more than one set of twins. You won’t want them to sleep in different rooms for sometime. My older twins didn’t separate until 5 and that was only because boy/girl and wanted different themes. My other set is the same sex and I can’t see them splitting for a very long time. They like being in the same room. Honestly this isn’t a battle you need to have at the moment. They will be in with you for the first 6 months anyway.

Neither of your are wrong tbh.

Twin babies do not need a room of their own (mine still share at 11 - we don’t have room for them though). Also I can guarantee it will be a pain having them separate when they’re little and still needing changes and feeds at night.

I can see your husbands point about the older children feeling pushed out, and for that reason I wouldn’t make any changes now. When the twins are a little older you can have a family conversation about compromises and what will work best. Not saying that you should definitely go ahead and give the twins their own room then either - but leave it till they’re all older.

From what my friends who are the parents of twins tell me, I agree with the previous posters who have said it isn’t a good idea to put the twins in separate rooms as babies, @newmum332. They will settle and sleep better together - after all, they will have spent 9 months together in very close quarters!

I would guess they will be in with you for the first months - that makes night feeds easier, IMO - and afterwards they will be much better off sharing a room whilst they are little - and it makes far more sense for you and your dh too - all the baby stuff in one room, and not having to run between the two rooms if they are both awake at the same time.

Then, in the longer term, maybe you could look at doing a loft conversion, to make an extra bedroom so all four children can have their own rooms.

It's bound to be really strange for them that their dad is having two new babies. Giving up their rooms cements that. By saying they might not stay as much they're testing how much they're really wanted. I totally understand you're protective of your babies (and being pregnant heightens everything) but honestly you'll probably want to keep them together / with you when they're born. Also with twins I would do everything in my power to keep a 7 and 10 year old onside - they will be worth their weight in gold when you need someone to rattle a toy in front of a baby when you need a wee/ cup of tea /stick a wash on! X