AIBU - to want my children to have their own bedroom

[newmum332]

I’m due to have twins in July with my DH. We have been together for 5 years and they will be my first children. He has 2 dd’s from his previous relationship, aged 7 and 10.

For context I have obviously been in his dd’s lives for 5 years and I have always been close to them, they are really lovely little girls and we also get on well with his ex partner, there is no animosity.

They normally stay with us every other weekend (pre coronavirus) and 1-2 nights during the week depending on work/school schedules. Sometimes one will stay without the other. We have always been as flexible as possible and happily have them to stay last minute if they want to see their dad during the week when it’s not scheduled.

It was always our plan to have the dsd’s move into the biggest out of the bedrooms, and share when they are here. We would let them pick new furniture decorate etc. Either have bunk beds or 2 singles, whatever they wanted. And then new dc’s would each have a bedroom.

However since we have mentioned this to them, oldest dsd really isn’t happy about it. Saying she might not stay as often and has become less excited about the twins arriving, has pretty moved stopped mentioning it to be honest. Dh is now feeling guilty and feels like we are evicting them from their bedrooms to make way for babies. This isn’t the case. He is having doubts and suggesting the twins could share as they are babies and will need less space, which technically is true but I just want them to have their own rooms.

AIBU to expect our children who will live with us full time to have their own bedrooms, and dsd’s to share when they are here together (which isn’t even all the time). I don’t want to upset anyone and don’t want our dsd to stop coming to see us as often. I feel like she’s almost giving us an ultimatum, is this normal for 10 yo? She has never done anything like this before. I feel like we are running out of time and I want to enjoy the last few weeks without worrying.

I don’t think you should really be discussing it yet, the babies are not even here yet, they will be in with you for probably the best part of a year and then will be fine sharing for quite a while, you will probably find it’s easier having them in the same room for quite some time and then they will probably want to share (why wouldn’t they), by the time your twins are at a age where they won’t want to share you dad’s will be a lot older.

So I think YABU to expect the older 2 girls to share and for the babies to have individual rooms.

why would babies need their own bedroom each? There is absolutely no need. By the time the are older, the older DDs will be off to uni or whatever. You can rearrange the rooms then but to give the newborn twins a room each has a taste of sending the message to your stepdaughters that they aren't really very important. where is your DH in all this?

can you elaborate why you think your babies need a room each?

Yabu. I would keep the twins in the same room until they are about 6 (and that’s just a guess). My friends’ boy-girl twins are 4 and inseparable. I can’t imagine them in separate rooms.

My son has always wanted to share. He has just asked for his own room aged 6.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the sense that these are your first babies and you don't know what to expect. It's not wrong to want your children to think they have their own space. We have three D.C. and bought our house to accommodate this. They are 6 and under and all they bloody want to do is share the same room ! So put them
In the same room leave the girls where they are (eldest DSD will be getting to an age where she is valuing her privacy and probably loves the treat of her own room) evaluate it in 6-7 years.

It looks like you've realised you were being naive and have changed your mind. I'd just add that I think actually, even though your point about the DSDs not being there all the time is valid, it's also true that the older they get the more they will need their own space. While realistically, twins can stay together for at least the first 5 or 6 years, probably longer, particularly if they're the same sex. My brother is only 11 months older than me and we shared until he was 6. And when we moved, we had rooms next to each other. There was an option for me to have a different room but we wanted to stay as close as we could be, while still having our own rooms....!

It's really unfortunate timing that you landed this on your DSD right now, when presumably she isn't spending as much time at your house as she would in normal circumstances. She is probably already feeling a bit pushed out.

I have a 10 year old and 7 year old girls, and little twins. No way would I expect my eldest to share a room with her sister and my twins to have a room each, thats madness! I expect my twins to be sharing until secondary school, although they are the same gender so I guess different gender twins might want separate rooms earlier than that. Your eldest DSD needs her own space, she'll be a teen soon, will have homework and will want sleepovers etc. I understand they don't live with you full time but even so, its still her home. I think you need to rethink this.

The whole post smacks a bit of these are my kids so they come first. Even when it’s not going to benefit you.It’s the very definition of cutting your nose off to spite your face.

No, she's just anxious. Lots of inexperienced mums (and younger siblings) feel slightly overwhelmed at the thought of twins and can't quite imagine how its all going to work.

OP already has the ideal coping mechanism ready on hand but she doesn't know it yet; older children big enough to hold babies, play with babies etc. Treasure the big girls, if they take to the babies you've got it made.

As a Parent of twins keep them in the same bloody room, mine would not even sleep if they were not in the cot together.
Give them the bigger room, no problem.

My sister’s twins shared a room until secondary school - their choice. They had two spare bedrooms as well.

I think the biggest problem is timing. They will already be a bit on edge about their dad having new children they have to share him with - and worse - these children will be with him all the time. They may well be very excited but it's bound to be a worry at the back of their mind. The suggestion that they will need to make room for these new children before they even arrive will be setting off alarm bells. Young children don't always hear exactly what you are saying - but they do observe what you are doing.

The twins will most likely to be happy to share a room until they are at least six - at that point the older DSD will be 16 and probably not coming so often as she'll have her own social life, school, exams etc.

For now, I'd leave the DSDs where they are - they may well look forward to having their own room at yours; the 10 yo particularly is coming to an age where she'll appreciate some privacy.

Slightly different suggestion.
I appreciate that the twins will probably share for the first few years.
But then surely the same issue will arise then? Dsds will feel as though they are being kicked out of their own room in favour of their siblings.

I do see your point that step daughters have their own rooms at their mums so your children should have the opportunity to have their own room when they are slightly older.

However what about you ask the dsd to share. And the twins share. And the third room is used as a spare for everyone. For the next few years. Then when the twins reach five or six or whenever, move one into the ‘spare’.
It’s essentially going to be the same thing but just feels less like dsd are being moved aside for the new babies as the room will have been empty for some years.

Is this an option?

Twins won't need their own rooms until they're about 6 - by which time dsd will be older teens.

They won't need or want their own rooms until they are about ten!!! YABU

jesus no way, twins wont need their own rooms until they are waaaay older

this is a poor idea, sorry

To add- my twins slept in our room in a travel cot until they were one and a half! I was waking up every couple of hours (sometimes every hour) until I managed to wean them off night feeds and I'd be damned if I was getting out of bed and traipsing across the house to see to alternate crying babies. Twins isn't like having a single baby, you need to make life easy on yourself!

I would expect the babies to share for at least the first 5 years. Dsd will need her space at her age your twins wont.

Once the twins are 5ish you will have a good idea about what to do they may want to keep sharing and your dsd will be out with her friends more so may not need the space as much or indeed be happy to sleep on the sofa.

IMO if you force dsd out of her room for a little baby who has no idea your opening up years of trouble.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for the future. I certainly think children living there full time should have their own rooms.

I’ve got a DS who is almost 1 and in the tiny bedroom and a DSS who is 10 and cones EOW in the bigger bedroom. We’re going to swap them as we think it’s unfair that DS who lives here all the time is in the tiny room and he also has a lot of toys!

As someone who's not a step parent or a parent, and doesn't know any twins my initial thinking would have been exactly the same as yours OP, so I wouldn't feel bad! But on reading the thread I agree with the majority of PPs. Revisit this in 5 years' time and see how things are then. I'd give the twins the biggest room to share though.

Why not ask your dsds to help decorate the big room for the babies and explain that they will be keeping their own rooms.

I really wasn’t trying to push out my dsd. As I’ve mentioned they’ve been in my life for 5 years, I love them both dearly and we’ve always had a really good relationship. My dh agreed with me at the time, had he raised any concern earlier then perhaps we wouldn’t have mentioned it to dsd. We stupidly didn’t think about it until after we had mentioned it to them and oldest dsd clearly was unhappy and we started to question whether we had done the right thing. I think if they were my dds and not step I wouldn’t be nearly half as worried or concerned about the whole situation. We thought it was the right thing at the time and it’s becoming apparent how very wrong we were

My twin girls are 12 and choose to share a bedroom, they chose to turn the spare bedroom into a dressing/chill out space.

Thanks @Dollywilde it did not cross my mind that it would cause an issue. I feel like I have made a terrible decision and not sure how I could have been so stupid after reading pp’s.

I think you do need to make a really big effort to repair the damage with your older stepdaughter. Don't beat yourself up, but pour that guilty energy into making her feel even more loved and wanted than before.