AIBU - to want my children to have their own bedroom

[newmum332]

I’m due to have twins in July with my DH. We have been together for 5 years and they will be my first children. He has 2 dd’s from his previous relationship, aged 7 and 10.

For context I have obviously been in his dd’s lives for 5 years and I have always been close to them, they are really lovely little girls and we also get on well with his ex partner, there is no animosity.

They normally stay with us every other weekend (pre coronavirus) and 1-2 nights during the week depending on work/school schedules. Sometimes one will stay without the other. We have always been as flexible as possible and happily have them to stay last minute if they want to see their dad during the week when it’s not scheduled.

It was always our plan to have the dsd’s move into the biggest out of the bedrooms, and share when they are here. We would let them pick new furniture decorate etc. Either have bunk beds or 2 singles, whatever they wanted. And then new dc’s would each have a bedroom.

However since we have mentioned this to them, oldest dsd really isn’t happy about it. Saying she might not stay as often and has become less excited about the twins arriving, has pretty moved stopped mentioning it to be honest. Dh is now feeling guilty and feels like we are evicting them from their bedrooms to make way for babies. This isn’t the case. He is having doubts and suggesting the twins could share as they are babies and will need less space, which technically is true but I just want them to have their own rooms.

AIBU to expect our children who will live with us full time to have their own bedrooms, and dsd’s to share when they are here together (which isn’t even all the time). I don’t want to upset anyone and don’t want our dsd to stop coming to see us as often. I feel like she’s almost giving us an ultimatum, is this normal for 10 yo? She has never done anything like this before. I feel like we are running out of time and I want to enjoy the last few weeks without worrying.

Make the biggest room the nursery. Twins have been together in the womb, will they not be sharing a crib?
You may end up co-sleeping with side cots/bassinets anyway.
The 10 year old should keep her room and you review it when the twins are six. At 16, she may be staying less anyway. Her sibling will be 13 and may need her own space still. But twins probably don't - if you waited until the younger was 16, your twins only be sharing until they were nine. It's nothing in the grand scheme of things - mine has only just moved into her own room and is nearly ten.

@newmum332 It's easily done! I'm pregnant with my first (singleton pregnancy) and have had all sorts of ideas about how things are going to go and my friends who are mums already have (kindly!) said 'Ok... that might not work though, because x, y, z...'. Stuff which just wouldn't have occurred to me without the practical experience!

As I say I don't know anything about parenting really but it sounds to me like @annabanana333's suggestion about repairing the damage sounds like a good one. I can think of a couple of occasions in my tweens when my parents came to me and said 'ok, we've thought about it, we were wrong and you were right, we're sorry' and it made me feel really grown up.

I have an 8yr old DD and a 6 yr old DS and even they prefer sleeping in the same room. They have their own rooms but more often than not both sleep in DD's room.

I don't want to put the boot in, OP, as you're clearly listening and reflecting, but you really did get this backwards. Your twins are going to have one, full-time home. Your DSDs don't get to have this, so the onus is on your DH and you to ensure that they feel like they genuinely have two homes, rather than a home with their mother and guest status in the house where their father happens to live.

It might be an idea to join some twin groups where other parents will have dealt with these kinds of issues before.

You sound lovely OP and I think you've had a bit of a harsh time from some posters. Hope all goes well with babies

It's recommended, for safety reasons, that babies sleep in the same room as their parent(s) until at least six months old and many people do that until they about one.

My DD 4.5 used her room for sleeping only until a few months ago. She's recently started occasionally playing in there instead of the living room.

I think you're such a long way off the twins having any reason to need their own room that it's not a battle worth fighting if it will upset your DSD.

Don't beat yourself up, OP. It will be fine. Maybe you could do something nice for your DSD's like give them a little gift for their bedrooms from the babies now? Just to show them that the babies have had a bit of a think about it and aren't going to be shoving anyone out of their lovely rooms!

**Dh is now feeling guilty and feels like we are evicting them from their bedrooms to make way for babies. This isn’t the case.

In what way isn’t this the case?! You absolutely are moving them out of their bedrooms in favour of your shines new children who will now get to stay on their rooms all the time, love with their Dad all the time and generally displace them. They aren’t even bkrn yet. Cruel!

OP, as posters have said, keep the twins together and let the older siblings keep their separate rooms. It will be years before the twins will need their own rooms.

I have triplets who are now 19; and they are incredibly close and would still share their rooms if they could.

At this age, they're old enough to appreciate, and learn from, an apology. I'd tell them that you have thought about it carefully, listened to them, and realised that your suggestion wasn't the right one. Explain that you've decided the twins will share the big room and they'll keep their rooms. And tell them you're sorry you didn't think through all the issues originally.

Obviously, don't do this in a way that suggests they always get to make the decisions. But highlighting that in this instance you made a mistake, are sorry and are correcting it, will probably go a long way towards them trusting you and learning about the power of taking responsibility.

My twins slept in the SAME basket until the sides collapsed when they were 12 weeks. They then slept in the same cot until they were 2. Once they hit 2, they were in different cots but with their head ends touching. Unlike my other 2 (singletons), they never tried to climb out of their to escape. The only time they climbed out was when one twin was poorly, the well one would climb in and sleep next to the poorly one until they were well again. They then shared an room with bunk beds. When they were 10, they got their own rooms, but the doors are opposite each other's and their beds are so that they can still see each other across the hall. They are 10 and non ID. They are best friends.

Don't beat yourself up OP, you sound like a lovely step mother.Just be honest with your DSDs and tell them that you've listened to them and see they're not happy, and so you're putting the twins together in one room. Tell them you're sorry that you've upset them, that you didn't mean to and that they can always come to you and share if something is making them unhappy.

Chances are they and you will be better off in your room in a shared cot bed for the first six months anyway to make night feeds quicker and simpler. Then let them keep each other company. The twins I know chose to share a bedroom until they were eight or nine years old. They just wanted each others' company (not identical sets - one was boy girl and the other non identical boys) They will want their own rooms eventually. But by then your dsd might be grown up and gone away or at least adult enough to know they need some space.

Twin babies def should share! My two (not twins) started off having separate rooms but actually when they were 3 and 4 we decided sharing would be practically easier for all. The room is nice and big. They are now 5 and 6. Everyone’s happy.

I dont think this will be an issue for ages. I think you'll want them together while they are tiny. You dont want to be going into different rooms to do the bedtime routine, waking in night etc. Plus on a practical level, I found you end up changing nappies in their room so it means you dont have to double up on equipment and baby gates. I would explain to the older ones you've listened to them, thought about it and the twins will share until they are 2 (or whenever you think is best) then the girls will have to share. That way they'll feel listened to and will have longer to get used to the idea. But yes, definitely after that your twins get a room each.

I think the twins will need there own rooms but way down the line.

My boys who are 11m apart did not have their own room till 9&10. Give the older children their own smaller rooms and have the twins share.i think it’s highly unusual for twins to have their own room whilst young, that’s the fun of being a twin.

Agree with everyone else, twins in one room, DSDs in their own rooms. It's weird to separate twin babies

You should very caring, don’t be hard on yourself! If you change your plan, and tell dsd that she was right, I’m sure she’ll be over the moon that you listened and had a rethink.

I had my twins in my room for 3 years because I co-slept in an attempt to get some sleep, so I’d take decision making slowly so you can see how things go.

As an aside my twins wouldn't sleep unless they were in the same room, ime, they were calmer if they could sense/see each other.

Whilst I would normally agree that children that live full time in a house should have a bedroom each you might not need to have this problem.

I know 3 sets of twins & they all share bedrooms, often share a bed even though they have one each.

By the time they may want their own rooms (11, 12, 13?) Your eldest DSD will be in her early 20's & younger one not far behind.

I'd leave them as they are, say you've reconsidered but you will reassess as the twins get older.

I would keep the twins in one room. Night feeds will be a nightmare in 2 separate rooms. Best to keep them together.

Why do I feel like you've grabbed at any opportunity to exert your children's presence in the house? Come on twin babies in separate rooms? Good luck with that. My friend had twins a few weeks ago, they won't even be out of the same cot.

Come on what's the real reason?

@newmum332

Thanks *@Dollywilde* it did not cross my mind that it would cause an issue. I feel like I have made a terrible decision and not sure how I could have been so stupid after reading pp’s.

Aw, no, it wasn't a "terrible decision", it was just a bad idea.

The really important thing is that you listened to your DSDs, you thought about it and asked advice, and you have changed your mind.

Do you know what 10 year old girls love?

Being taken seriously, and treated as the big girls they are.

No harm will be done here if you tell them you have heard what they said and changed your mind.

Honestly, that is brilliant (step) parenting.

Go you! Congratulations on your pregnancy

Sorry just read the update.

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