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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry about my BF's attitude to the idea of having a child with special needs

205 replies

BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 18:55

My DD2 has special needs.

My BF and I were discussing broodiness earlier and I said I was keen to have a third baby.

She said she was not so sure, as she had two perfect children already, and what if she had a disabled child - then she would have ruined her life and the lives of the existing family members.

I found this hugely offensive as my DD2 is most beautiful child, with a sunny nature and huge potential. She has by no means ruined my life, she has enhanced it immeasurably!

I am seething as I can't believe she could be so insensitive.

OP posts:
moondog · 22/09/2007 18:57

Extremely rude and thoughtless.
Feel for you.

zookeeper · 22/09/2007 19:04

Agree you must be furious. Do you think she was being wildly insensitive/stupid or is she perhaps jealous of you? Whatever I can understand how hurt you must be.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 22/09/2007 19:08

What if something happens and one of her 'perfect' children then has special needs. Road accident, meningitis - it happens all the time - would her life be 'ruined' then?

Silly woman.

LaDiDaDi · 22/09/2007 19:12

I second sagger.

People are often completely thoughtless wrt special needs but your friend is being particularly so.

I really couldn't have kept quiet about this comment.

hazygirl · 22/09/2007 19:15

when my gs died in december,they tried to resusite ,it was sids the number of people who said it was wrong as he would have been brain damaged,ffs, i wouldnt have cared,ought is better than this,some people should keep their mouths shut

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 19:16

Feel I should have stuck up for my DD2, but I just muttered something about it being highly unlikely any future child she had would have SN.

Then she said, "Yes, well I didn't think it would happen to YOU"!

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 19:17

So sorry about your gs, hazygirl.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 22/09/2007 19:26

Hazygirl, I'm so sorry. How cruel people can be without realising it.

I saw a little girl with Downs syndrome today, she was bouncing along the pavement with her mum, huge friendly grin, chatting away. I didn't notice her because she had DS, I noticed her because she was so pretty and radiant, I was still smiling when I got home

It did cross my mind that some people have all sorts of risky and invasive tests done to avoid having a child like her. Dickheads.

chipmonkey · 22/09/2007 19:54

How utterly insensitive! for you!

Cappuccino · 22/09/2007 19:55

i don't think this woman would be my best friend for long

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 20:00

We've been friends for more than 20 years, and it's only this year that our friendship is being seriously challenged by this sort of comment. But feeling all .

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 22/09/2007 20:02

if you've got a child with special needs you need support, not this kind of crap

friendships change and grow with circumstances and it doesn't sound like she is trying to do that for you

thomcat · 22/09/2007 20:11

OH!
wow. Really don't know what to say.

I suggest perhaps you have a long talk with her and see if there is a friendship to salavage if not I fear you'll never feel the same about her again after this, and I wouldn't blame you

startouchedtrinity · 22/09/2007 20:19

Oh my goodness. She really is a very sad person, isn't she? I feel very sorry for her, it must be awful to be so inward-looking, insensitive and stupid.

Greeny, spot on re Ds and testing.

fireflyfairy2 · 22/09/2007 20:23

Oh darling How sad.

In fact, if it were me I would still challenge her! I would call her up & ask exactly what she meant.

I would rather know, than make it worse in my own head.

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 20:29

She does love my DD2.

Maybe she just can't imagine herself in my position?

Don't want to think that I've been bessy mates with someone really horrible for more than half my life!

OP posts:
tribpot · 22/09/2007 20:35

I guarantee her children are not 'perfect' - none of us are. My ds has to grow up with a dad who is disabled. That's not ideal, but that's how it is. No-one has a perfect life. If she thinks she does, she is kidding herself.

I am sorry she made such an insensitive remark.

SueW · 22/09/2007 20:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

bubblagirl · 22/09/2007 20:49

don't be affended by her comment as i'm sure it is no means aimed at your dd as ruining your life but some people are not as strong to deal with such things especially if already happy with amount of children already maybe she is thinking that she is happy with family as it is and wouldn't be able to cope if her child had disability of any sort

i'm sure you love your daughter and it takes a special person to be iven something so special i have 1 ds and would love another baby dp doesnt and it would make no difference to me if my child had disability of some sort i would love no matter what but i want another child no matter what

someone who admits that they wouldnt cope is brave and honest and the person who says it would ruin there life is the reason god never sent them a special gift to enlighten it

3andnomore · 22/09/2007 20:52

Hm...this is a tough one...
personally, at this time I could not imagine having a special needs child...because it is just to mind blowing...but I would never have said I don't have another child incase it is special needs...!
I did say that, there is a possibility, that if , in pregnancy, problems would be detected, we may would abort...saying that....if I am not pregnant I tend to think, of course I would, when I am pregnant...I just don't know anymore...
I think there is a natural urge that you want your children to be "perfect" whatever that means...and I also think that for many people the thought of caring for a special needs child may well be completely terrifying and unimaginable...and no, greensleaves, I don't think people thinking like that are necessarily dickheads...just that not everybody would feel up to that certain challenge...
However, your friend was hugely incensitive, and yes, yanby to be pissed of with her...and I hope that anyone who does decide to have an sn child will be just like you and just be able to love them as they are, and as we should...

3andnomore · 22/09/2007 20:53

YANBU not Yanby, lol

3andnomore · 22/09/2007 20:54

OH, and I know many people have sn children without the pre warning...and obviously I hope that those also can adapt to it as well, as you...

startouchedtrinity · 22/09/2007 21:04

Being charitable, maybe she means that you are stronger than she is and that she doesn't have your strength of character? Not that I get that, as has been pointed out disability could hit her family at any time and then she'd need to cope.

Malaleche · 22/09/2007 21:06

It must be very hurtful to have a good friend make an insensitive comment like that.

However I second 3andnomore re Greensleeves´ comment: I had a risky and invasive test done when i was preg with DD2. The screenings were not too good and yes, I did want to lessen the odds of having a SN child. I know things can happen at any point after conception and throughout a person´s life which can result in them becoming SN. Maybe it was selfish of me but I had an aunt with severe DS and that has affected my decisions.

gess · 22/09/2007 21:18

Oh dear

Doesn't surprise me. I now just say very quietly 'wrong audience' when someone comes out with this sort of crap. The thing I find horrendous is that people think it's OK to say this sort of thing to the mother of a child with SN. Do they leave the brains up their arses? I mean how f*** self centred & up your own backside can you get? If you've got to say it then say it to someone who isn't going to be hurt by the comment FGS. I've come to the conclusion that peple think our children are vegetables and don't matter quite as much as a 'normal' child (or their family) so they can say whatever they like.

"Wrong audience" I find gets the point across without having to have a big falling out.....

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