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Original poster

to be angry about my BF's attitude to the idea of having a child with special needs

205 replies

BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 18:55

My DD2 has special needs.

My BF and I were discussing broodiness earlier and I said I was keen to have a third baby.

She said she was not so sure, as she had two perfect children already, and what if she had a disabled child - then she would have ruined her life and the lives of the existing family members.

I found this hugely offensive as my DD2 is most beautiful child, with a sunny nature and huge potential. She has by no means ruined my life, she has enhanced it immeasurably!

I am seething as I can't believe she could be so insensitive.

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 23/09/2007 09:44

i work alot going through special needs children website this is one of the quotes froma parent then maybe you can all forgive my comment and this os one of many of the smame from parents maybe others could go on it and read through the quotes made by parents

I have so many success stories with my 15-year-old non-verbal autistic son. Communication breakthroughs are my favorites. My favorite moment was when I truly realized that there is a real normal boy inside my son that just can't get out in the typical ways. I had been trying to teach my son how to nod his head yes. He could say the word, "no," but he had no way to indicate the word "yes." So, when he was 13 years old, I decided to work hard on teaching him to nod. He would come home from school and we would work hard on nodding. One day, once again, I said to my son "Eric, nod your head yes," and he looked at me and struggled for a moment and very clearly said, "I can't." I wasn't sure I had heard right so I asked him to nod his head again and he said, "I can't." For two weeks, whenever I asked him to nod, he would say "I can't." I was so incredibly excited. He was right, he couldn't nod his head yes. So, I then taught him to say hmm-mmm for yes and he is able to do that. Now he can communicate yes!

One other moment that truly made me look at Eric different was at lunchtime one day. I was making him choose between lunch items and he was having a hard time. For 15 minutes we went back and forth on choosing. He kept changing his mind. Finally, out of exasperation, he yelled, "Make 'em both!!" My husband and I looked at each other and about died laughing. Guess what? He got both items for lunch!

This boy never ceases to amaze us. He is so intelligent, but he just can't get it out so the world can see. We see, however, and we thank God every day for blessing us with a very special child. - L.P., Kennesaw, GA

bubblagirl · 23/09/2007 09:46

www.specialchild.com/index.html

gess · 23/09/2007 09:52

I have a child with severe SN - I don;t see him as a special gift (love him as much/the same as my other children), nor do I see myself as being esepcially chosen to look after him. I have had people say it to me and I usually smile and say 'mmmm' whilst thinking agggh. IME a lot of parents hate that description (others like it, but I don't think you can generalise).

I find the idea that a god who I don't believe in anyway sent a child with singnificant difficulties to me to be looked after quite creepy tbh. Of course he didn't. DS1 has some genetic predispositon which meant he couldn;t cope with stuff he came into contact with in babyhood and ended up severely disabled. End of. I'm his mother, of course I carry on caring for him. When I had all 3 of my children, I assumed I would look after them whatever happend. That's all I'm doing. I actually do cope quite well most of the time, and saying that isn;t me hiding my true feelings it's reality.

gess · 23/09/2007 09:56

Actually I always think that people who say 'he was given to you because you could cope and I couldn't possibly cope with a disabled child' sound insufferably smug tbh. It's like saying 'nothing could mess up my perfect life but its fine for yours to be messed up'. I also assume they see ds1 as his disability rather than as a child who happens to be disabled.

gess · 23/09/2007 09:59

oh byubbla- that's an american board- they (exept expat ) seem to bang on about god in all sorts of situations. The whole tone of the post is American- that whole 'we thank god for blessing us'. It's one reason why I don't go on american boards for support, VERY different culture. And they completely overuse the word special (to many British ears).

bubblagirl · 23/09/2007 10:00

as i was saying i didn't write it to affend and dont want people thinking badly of me because i dont have dc with sn but if parents who i deal with want to think there child is special gift why make them feel that is wrong if they want to ask us for help why shouldn't they and because i'm only going on real people's comments why should i be ripped to shreds its reality were all individuals we all have the right to speak our mind and if i was being nasty i wouldnt feel as upset by being ripped to shreds about my comments but would you go to another sn mum and tell her she is wrong why

just because you dont think that way doesn't mean a hell; of alot iof other people shouldn't we have a sn child in our family and her mum feels blessed with her as she does with her other dc that isn't sn

as i said before i work with mums and dads and if thats how they cope then so be it but please remember just because you dont feel this way there are a million parents that do and thats not wrong we all have our own way with dealing with things so dont hate me for speaking on there behalf

bubblagirl · 23/09/2007 10:02

many parents can write into that i also have to browse through english boards and pretty much parentas will say the same and once again i work in england and the parents i work qwith feel this way as i also said if this is how they feel why tell them its wrong just because some other parents of sn children dont feel this way were all individual

gess · 23/09/2007 10:04

If you work with families dealing with SN I'd be really careful at assuming that they'll like the 'chosen by god' line. IME in the UK about 30-40% like it and the rest HATE it (might run a survey in SN later to check numbers out of interest).

You're not being ripped to shreds. People with children with SN are just saying they don't like it (I can't say I don;t like it to someone who says it to me in RL so I may as wlel say it here).

gess · 23/09/2007 10:05

If they say it to you then fine agree with them, some paretns of children with SN have said it to me (not many but a few have) but I;d be careful about telling them they were chosen by god. For starters you assume they have religious beliefs.

gess · 23/09/2007 10:07

Anyway why would you tell them they were wrong? If someone gets comfort from that then why would you challenge it? No-one is suggesting that- just saying don't volunteer to someone that they were chosen by god to bear their special child as you have about a 50% chance of it pissing them off.

2shoes · 23/09/2007 10:09

bubblagirl working with children with sn and rading a few boards is very different to living with a child with sn. first of all you don't have the emotional attachment.

my dad told me once that he and I must be very special people to have to deal with this..god must have chose us(sm is disabled) I said no we are just bloody unlucky.

2shoes · 23/09/2007 10:10

gess please do run that survey

gess · 23/09/2007 10:13

Survey up and running in SN 2shoes

Bonaventura · 23/09/2007 10:25

BigBeer, I think your friend is one of those women who looks on children as acquisitions, like a house or a swimming-pool or an expensive car, and they don't want defective goods. I remember the type from my own childhood, though my parents were never that way, thank heavens. They're always showing off their children to acquaintances, and bragging about their achievements, and often they make their children do things they don't want to do - play a musical instrument, get riding lessons, whatever. Children to them are part of their lifestyle. Of course, they often pay a price later, when their children grow up resenting them, and maybe just wanting to get away from them. So your BF could just be storing up trouble for herself.

NoNameToday · 23/09/2007 11:08

Hi BigBeeristheBigBeer

I realise that there are lots of varied reasons for a child having special needs which can affect all the family to greater or lesser degrees.

I'm sure no one would choose for their child to be born with problems and certainly would not want their child to develop problems for whatever reason, be it because of accident, illness or inherited disorders.

Sadly, it does happen and most parents have no option but to continue with their lives making the necessary adjustments.

Some feel as you do, that their lives have been enriched, some do so with a brave face! others never really come to terms with the situation.

Perhaps your friend was expressing honestly how she feels she would be affected. She doesn't know because it hasn't happened to her.

It would be sad if a previously good friendship was ruined by her honesty about her perceived inability to cope.

anniebear · 23/09/2007 11:15

That is just so awful of your 'Friend'

I would be furious and so upset

I had a friend who asked me (when DD was 3) "would I ever put her in a home"?

along with her DD who was quite rude and nasty to mine and along with having to listen to her constant moans

Once had to listen to 45 mins of her moaning about her 'normal' happy life before she asked how my DD was (she had been very ill, on life support )

I gradually stopped getting in touch with her

Couldnt be doing with it

crokky · 23/09/2007 11:25

Hi BigBeeristheBigBeer, I apologise I have not read the entire thread, but IMO your friend is either

a) not a particularly nice person

or

b) is a nice person, but has had her views and attitudes influenced by someone who is narrow minded/nasty

If it is a), then I suppose there is not really much hope for your friendship, but if it is b), you could perhaps write her a little note or something like that explaining the situation, rather like your OP- DD2 is the most beautiful child, with a sunny nature and huge potential. She has by no means ruined my life, she has enhanced it immeasurably!

Either way you are quite right to be angry as it was a disgraceful thing to say.

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 23/09/2007 12:05

When I said in my OP that "my DD2 is the most beautiful child, with a sunny nature and huge potential. She has by no means ruined my life, she has enhanced it immeasurably!" I don't mean that our lives aren't without unhappiness about her/our situation, mind.

What I mean is that I wouldn't be without her, whatever her SN. And that to me and my DH and her sister her SN are a tiny teeny part of what makes her HER.

OP posts:
crokky · 23/09/2007 12:20

Perhaps try to explain it to her like that.

From an adult, especially a mother, you would hope that the attitude stems from ignorance, not nastyness.

3andnomore · 23/09/2007 12:54

LIke I said in a previous post, of course your friend was highly insensitive, but, I am a bit shocked at people's comments about , how a person thinking like that is narrowminded, and doesn't want defect goods and stuff....
This friend has just said that she is to scared to have another Baby, because indeed she has seen with her friend, that it CAN happen to anyone...and whilst ruined life is a highly emotional term and upsetting...she probably really just meant that she couldn't imagine that she could cope with it, and of course a child, sn or not, will always change the familylife, but, I would assume that an sn child will change life even more, as it must be very stressful to have a child with sn.

Personally I am ever so happy that my 3 boys didn't inherit my cleft lip and palate...and whilst that wouldn't have been a reason for me to love them any less or to not go ahead with the pg...it is just so much easier for all of us, that they haven't gotten it...no continous infections to cope with,no Hospitalstays and appointments, etc...!

gess · 23/09/2007 15:43

Still totally the wrong audience 3andnomore

Bit like me saying "oh I couldn;t possibly have a 4th child as it might be a girl and god how dreadful don;t know how I'd cope"

or

'Oh I couldn;t possibly have another as it might end up behaving like yours and god that would send me right over the edge".

of course its OK to think these things, but why say them to the mother! It's not rocket science!

3andnomore · 23/09/2007 15:53

I know what you mean...but then, they had been talking about broodyness and going for another or not...so, it wasn't just a random pondering out of the blue, as such, was it....

gess · 23/09/2007 15:59

I still wouldn;t say to anyone "I;d never have another child I might end up with one like yours." Met plenty of children I wouldn't personally have wanted (none with SN though!) but I'd never dream of telling the parents that. Presumably if they were mine I'd love them!

Aside from the irriation of the saintly stuff, it's just rude to tell someone their child is so dreadful they've put you right off having other children.

lucyellensmum · 23/09/2007 16:06

i agree with expat, she put that across so well in her post about parents of SN children not being saints etc, they just cope.Of course they love thier children and would never be without them, but i would be willing to bet that they would do anything so that child could not have problems, not for themselves even, but for the child. That was a really good post ex pat, i just end up, as you can see, waffling on.

I think your friend is a bitch though! Why the hell did she think that an appropriate comment to make, she has two perfectly "normal" children so why would she be any more likely to have a child with difficulties, sorry, i find it hard to find the right words. I think that was hurtful and insensitive, i just dont understand why she said it.

3andnomore · 23/09/2007 16:18

I agree with you gess...it's not somehting I owuld say...well, I really hope I wouldn't, just think, that ratehr then being a complete bitch the friend was just being thoughtless...which isn't the greatest thing, of course...but well, don't we all have foot in mouth disease at times...