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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry about my BF's attitude to the idea of having a child with special needs

205 replies

BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 18:55

My DD2 has special needs.

My BF and I were discussing broodiness earlier and I said I was keen to have a third baby.

She said she was not so sure, as she had two perfect children already, and what if she had a disabled child - then she would have ruined her life and the lives of the existing family members.

I found this hugely offensive as my DD2 is most beautiful child, with a sunny nature and huge potential. She has by no means ruined my life, she has enhanced it immeasurably!

I am seething as I can't believe she could be so insensitive.

OP posts:
cory · 01/12/2008 11:06

I would be tempted to tell the BF that it is never too late: some of us didn't know our children were going to have SN until they were well into junior school.

FioFio · 01/12/2008 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

coolma · 01/12/2008 13:17

I have a daughter with a mild congenital abnormality - but it still shook me up and caused me a fair amount of heartahce. Most people have not commented (noticed even tbh) but the most pathetic comment I ever got and which really really riled me was when my (very) ex best friends dickhead of a boyfriend said something along the lines of 'when we have a baby it will be a WHOLE one'. F* hilarious.

I guess, like most people, I would find it incredibly hard to have a child with serious needs - my dd is 'fine' really, but when I was pregnant with her at the relatively 'old' age of 41, I didn't even consider that my life would be 'ruined' had she had big 'problems'. Some people make me sooo angry.

electra · 01/12/2008 13:25

Hmm, if someone said this to me I would cut them off. In fact I have cut people off for less offensive comments which have offended me and which have to do with my dd.

dsrplus8 · 01/12/2008 13:26

my dh and i decided not to have anymore kids after our twins, one is SN , it was so we could focus on our dd4 and maximise her potential.but we do have 8 kids so would hace been irresponsable to have more when we are at our limit for time/attention for them all. i dont think yor friend was being hurtful toward you, but as startouchedtrinity said that shes not at strong and capable as you are.SN KIDS NEED SPECIAL MUMS!!!!id take your friends comment as a compliment.

electra · 01/12/2008 13:26

coolma some people.....I'm speechless tbh.

snugglyduvet · 01/12/2008 13:35

When I was pregnant, baby was diagnosed as likely to be significantly disabled.
It amazed, and hurt, me how many of my friends, people I thought I shared a world-view with, not just assumed I'd have an abortion but emphatically told me I had a duty to do so.
Having had friends active in disability rights, I was amazed. And shocked.
Baby was born without disabilities but the experience did change my relationships with those people.
I think you're brilliant for trying to save your friendship when she is being an idiot.

coolma · 01/12/2008 13:35

Took me a while, but...yes, I realised what an unpleasant couple they really were. Not nice but hey!

Tclanger · 01/12/2008 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipmunkswhereareyou · 01/12/2008 21:54

Bubbla - I know you are trying to be supportive and mean well but please, please never ever say the thing about SN kids being a special gift from god unless someone says it to you first.

I have had someone say that to me about something else, something unrelated but unfortunate - that it was god's will - and I was furious.

Please could you also try and add some punctuation to your posts as they are really hard to read.

kiddiz · 02/12/2008 12:23

Agree chipmunk. A family friend told me when ds1 was born that "I must be a special person as God had chosen me to have a special child". I wanted to reply "well he needn't have bothered". I know she meant well and was trying to be positive but at that time, just after my son was born, I was struggling to see any positives in my son's condition. I just found her comments, however well intentioned, ridiculous and patronising. I admit it was partly bad timing as I didn't cope very well in the early months of my son's life.

kiddiz · 02/12/2008 12:30

This wasn't the same friend who told me my son was easy by the way. I seem to have been surrounded by well meaning but misguided friends. I think part of that is because people just don't know what to say.

dsrplus8 · 02/12/2008 12:36

i agree with you kiddiz, "god" giving special children is a rediculous idea, but special needs kids DO have special mums(and dads), its the circumstances that make us special, the going to the ends of the earth to help our little ones, you might argue that all mothers do that and its not out of the ordinary, but the sheer volume of effort and work we do makes us special. i am PROUD to be a special mummy to my special needs princess.shes the love of my life and i feel lucky shes with us.

dsrplus8 · 02/12/2008 12:39

id like to add to the OP if you feel you can cope with another little one (NT or SN} then go for it, have yourself another little baba .....good luck, and have fun making!!!

pagwatch · 02/12/2008 12:42

They don't - they don't need special mums !!!

I am not the slightest bit special. In fact I am considerably less than special. In fact so very not specail that when people say 'oh you are so specail to do that'I mostly want to twat them.

This thing annoys me so much because it is just not true.
The only thing you need to parent a special needs child is the love, the wherewithal and the will to do it.

Most parents who can't do it can't because they do not have the support that they need.
And the notion that you have to be special just allows people to ignore the parents and distance themselves from the issues.

It is not a help. It is not a compliment. It is the opposite of that

pagwatch · 02/12/2008 12:45

so unspecial that I can't even bloody spell it

needmorecoffee · 02/12/2008 12:55

someone said yo me 'god never gives you more than you can cope with'
When I fetched my jaw up off the ground I said 'well, he's mistaken me for bloody wonderwoman then'
ds1 has aspergers, dd2 severe cerebral palsy and epilepsy and I get to have MS so I cant take care of them properly.
I hate trite comments.

QuintessentialShadow · 02/12/2008 13:08

She shouldnt have said it to you. That was thoughtless.

But, althoug my mil loves her dd to bits, she still mourns the loss of a the child she had, before the vaccine that left her 3 year old so brain damaged that she is on developmental level of an 18 month old. She is 23, in nappies, and plays with rattles, but has a very sunny personality. I dont think MIL finds the experience particularly enriching and life enhancing.

She may not even been having YOUR child and YOUR situation in mind when saying it.

dsrplus8 · 02/12/2008 13:15

pagwich i agree to differ with you on this one. i most def. am a special mummy.six of my kids are nt 2 are SN ,the life i had with my nt kids is a lond distant memory and things are soo much harder now we have dd4 and ds3.i dont mean to offend anyone but i do have a claim to be a special mummy on other levels not just SN . i have 8 kids. i have twins, and i have very gifted dd3 who is doing schoolwork at secondary level when shes only ten. i think you cant understand ,other people look at you and see greatness and strengh from the" outside, looking in" where you are just doing what any mum does, love her kids.pagwich i think your praise shy x(and modest)x

used2bthin · 02/12/2008 13:26

My dd has to be in hospital a fair as part of her condition and a friend whose child had been ill recently said to me, no more I am not cut out for this after they had been in hospital then kept saying she didnt know how I cope etc etc. I know she didn't mean any harm but feel a bit irritated by it, as if I AM cut out to be in hospital, worry about my child and hold her down while bloods are taken and worse!

Like you I said nothing just that yes it is awful.

needmorecoffee · 02/12/2008 13:28

I'm not special or coping. But you have to get on with it cos who else will. I dread waking and thank god when bedtime arrives. In between in hard slog of caring and hospital and decisions no parent should have to make.
Instead of gushing over my bravery I wish poeple would offer some bloody help!

tengreenbottles · 02/12/2008 13:31

The way i look at it is that whilst a child with DS is unlikely to go to medical school ,they are also as unlikely to end up a smack head too and your friends 'perfect' children are more than capable of either !

pagwatch · 02/12/2008 13:35

dsrplus8

I have absoloutely no problem with your believeing that you are special. good for you. I am sure you are .

But special kids do not have special mummies.
they have mummies who get tired, and struggle, and make bad choices and sometimes give up.

And my objection to the cutsie disneyfied notion that mums of SN kids are all like that is that it denies the effort involved. it denies the difficulties and it makes parenting a child with sn some kind of magical talent that suddenly appears without guilt and effort and anger and all those other honest good crappy REAL emotions.

And it represents a kind of smug one upmanship. I would never say I am a special mum because if I did I would find it superior and patronising to others coping with challenges different from mine.
I am good now at what I do because I have experience and have learnt how to do it well.
But I know other mums who do not have SN kids who, for other reasons, face equally difficult challenges. My mother had eight children. If I told her she was special she would laugh her socks off. having lots of us didn't make her a better muum than others.

To be clear I am not praise shy and I am not modest. I am mostly a good mum to all of my children. But I know many good mums. I know good mums of NT children and bad mums of SN children.

We are not special because of our children. We are different and we each cope with that differently.
To say we are all special is meaningless and trite and I find people treaing my sons difficulties in trite terms really annoying.

dsrplus8 · 02/12/2008 13:35

oh god ! im not putting it very well am i , im not a bloody martyer, it was my choice to have my kids, but i dont get the negitiveity? my kids are all with me and they are alive and have bad days and good days like anyone,whats wrong with being thankful for that???

pagwatch · 02/12/2008 13:38

needmore
at offers of help.

People would infintely rather say 'gosh I couldn't do what you do - you are so brave' and feck off before they get asked to actually do something.

I always translate 'I couldn't do what you do' into 'thank god it is you and not me' in my head.

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