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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry about my BF's attitude to the idea of having a child with special needs

205 replies

BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 18:55

My DD2 has special needs.

My BF and I were discussing broodiness earlier and I said I was keen to have a third baby.

She said she was not so sure, as she had two perfect children already, and what if she had a disabled child - then she would have ruined her life and the lives of the existing family members.

I found this hugely offensive as my DD2 is most beautiful child, with a sunny nature and huge potential. She has by no means ruined my life, she has enhanced it immeasurably!

I am seething as I can't believe she could be so insensitive.

OP posts:
gess · 23/09/2007 16:33

oh agree- but this particular friend sounds as if she has her foot permanently in her mouth. I did eventually stop seeing people who just couldn't cope with ds1's disability as it made me miserable & irritated and tbh I prefer to spend time with people who make me feel happy. I think most stop seeing friends who permanently bring them down whatever the reason.

3andnomore · 23/09/2007 16:42

oh, absolutely....you don't need people who bring you down...
lol, I actually have one of thsoe non sn children, that probably nobody would want....I do love him to bits, but he is a real challenge...and definately has not been given to us, because we are sch brilliant people.

On the point of earlier, about gift of god..I do actually have a friend that does find comfort in that idea, of being chosen to have a special child (her son is autistic), and I think for her that is a healthy way, but can see why otehrs object to it....but, I suppose at least it's better then people saying, that they have been sent as punishment...sadly some people can feel like that.

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 23/09/2007 16:43

3andnomore I forgot to say that I was really reassured by your comments yesterday about how the cleft palate bothered your mum more than you in a way.

I know it's nowhere near the same thing, but I suppose I'm hoping that DD's disability might bother me more than her by the time she's an adult. I think that's a big hope though!

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 23/09/2007 16:44

And gess, thanks for your supportive posts!

OP posts:
3andnomore · 23/09/2007 16:47

aww Breer, I am sure your daughter will cope just fine...she obviously has fabulous support from your side and that is half the battle...

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 23/09/2007 17:37

I originally posted on this board and not SN as I was hoping for a wide range of responses from people with and without SN children, and none the less it seems almost everyone thinks my BF is a selfish cow!

Shit!

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 23/09/2007 19:41

About to call her.

OP posts:
gess · 23/09/2007 20:28

HOw'd the call go???

Pitchounette · 23/09/2007 20:33

Message withdrawn

gess · 23/09/2007 20:37

"How on earth are you supposed to know that you will love that child just as much if you never have been in that situation."

Would you love any of your children less if they became disabled tomorrow? Of course not.

I find it bizarre that people would think we love them less. And quite offensive tbh- to me it says that somehow disabled children are worth less.

startouchedtrinity · 23/09/2007 20:47

My dd1 nearly died at birth, and for the first week or so we didn't know if she was brain damaged or not. I didn't love her any less, I just wanted her to be okay for her sake.

She is okay, but I learned very early on that you can take nothing for granted. And it was love for my unborn babies that meant I refused the triple test etc. when pg.

Pitchounette · 23/09/2007 20:58

Message withdrawn

xXxamyxXx · 23/09/2007 21:05

maybe seeing you have a sn child brought it home that it could happen to anyone maybe the fear she couldnt cope with the situation like you did was the source of the comment thou she really should not have said such a terrible thing

3andnomore · 23/09/2007 21:22

gess...firstly if you child was disabled tomorrow, and you had time to bond wiht them already and love them, it's a no brainer...just, as imo, you would love your Partner the same, no matter what...different story basically!
I don't think it was implied that people believe that SN parents might love their children less...but more, that a parent of a non sn child might just wonder how THEY could love a child the same, iykwim...
must admit, for me, it personally wouldn't be about thinking I would not be able to love the child....more off a...it's such a scary prospect and how will we cope and what will be when me and dh are dead, etc...like I said, if it happens it happens, one thing...but, say,if you have a test done whihc confirms whatever problems, then you do make a decision based on the INformation you have...and those thoughts could cross people's mind...but that is not being horrible and selfish, it is just considering the options for your family...

3andnomore · 23/09/2007 21:24

oh, and what does nt stand for....I mean, I know it's standing for a child that isn't sn...just the initials....can't work them out...

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 23/09/2007 21:26

I think NT means neurologically typical

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 23/09/2007 21:28

SN is not all that unusual IMO, on MN there are plenty of people whose children have SN of one kind or another.

OP posts:
2shoes · 23/09/2007 21:30

3andnomore so what do these people who cannot cope with a sn do when they have a sn child. you can have all the tests in the world but it won't show up brain damage at birth. do you send the child back??

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 23/09/2007 21:30

Turns out my BF thinks I'm a head-screwed-on, capable, strong-type person and that she's a needy, emotionally weak, screwed-up-type person with a less supportive DH and a less understanding family, and so couldn't cope with a SN child.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 23/09/2007 21:32

She has acknowleged that sometimes she gets so wrapped up in her own life she doesn't think about ours.

OP posts:
gess · 23/09/2007 21:35

Hmmm how does that make you feel BigBeer (think it would irritate me )

I cans ee what you mean about people not realising that you love a 2nd child as much as a first yada yada but I don't think its the same- or said in the same way. When I was pregnant with ds2 (before ds1's disability became apparent) no-one said "oh I don't know how you'll cope I couldn't have another in case I didn;t love them, oh you're such a saint for contemplating 2". Actually when I was pregnant with ds3 (after ds1's diagnosis) I did get a lot of those types of comments....... Hmmmm

There was agreat article written by an ex Torygraph reporter who had given up work to look after his disabled child and he stated quite categorically that he hadn't realised that people love their disabled children as much, and he couldn't believe he hand't understood that. it was a very well written article. From the things that people have said about ds1 I worked out ages ago that a lot of people see his needs as somehow less important than his siblings - which is utterly wrong.

gess · 23/09/2007 21:36

Ah yes your second post is probably the real situation (I cross posted originally).

3andnomore · 23/09/2007 21:37

2 shoes...I think, if you don't have the choice, and of course that is also if a child is braindamaged through Birth, or it just hadn't been picked up....that you will cope...but to imagine how you might cope is a different thing...gosh, I have problems coping with my 3 nt children (thanks for explanation beer)...I truely wouldn't be able imagine what life would be like if even 1 of them was sn...I know I love them the same, but I really can't imagine I actually could cope...iykwim...

3andnomore · 23/09/2007 21:39

but, gess is it really that people see his needs as less important or that they try to imagine how you juggle all your childrens needs...not sure if that makes sense...

3andnomore · 23/09/2007 21:41

2 shoes...what I actually emant, inteh post you took issue is, that being put into a situation unwittingly is a different thing to know in advance and therefore make an informed choice ...it may not be always the right choice, of course...but that is a different story...
personally, to me the issue would always be, selfishly of course....what would I find more difficult, hvaing to cope with an sn child or having to deal with teh guilt I would feel over aborting, and when pregnant, I think, I would actually choose to have the child...but in a non pregnant state...I wouldn't really know, but think I would go down the route of abortion, because it's a completely hypothetical scenario, without any emotions being involved.

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