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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be angry about my BF's attitude to the idea of having a child with special needs

205 replies

BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 18:55

My DD2 has special needs.

My BF and I were discussing broodiness earlier and I said I was keen to have a third baby.

She said she was not so sure, as she had two perfect children already, and what if she had a disabled child - then she would have ruined her life and the lives of the existing family members.

I found this hugely offensive as my DD2 is most beautiful child, with a sunny nature and huge potential. She has by no means ruined my life, she has enhanced it immeasurably!

I am seething as I can't believe she could be so insensitive.

OP posts:
2shoes · 23/09/2007 21:42

but 3andnomore shit happens. dd's friend was fine as a tot and the fell in a pond. there are dc's at her school where they have become disabled due to virus and the like.
you just cope. you can't send them back.......oh sorry you can give them to S.S

2shoes · 23/09/2007 21:43

x post

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 23/09/2007 21:45

3andnomore, children AREN'T sn, they HAVE sn!

And how disabling their sn are various wildly from person to person.

For example, I'm ashamed to say that before my DD2 was born I always assumed that all children with cerebral palsy had severe learning difficulties and would most likely be unable to speak, sit up or walk. This is sometimes the case, but at the opposite end of the spectrum cerebral palsy can be barely detectable.

OP posts:
Pitchounette · 23/09/2007 21:47

Message withdrawn

chipmonkey · 23/09/2007 21:49

BigBeeristheBigBeer, I would think that one of the ways of defining a friend is that they DO think of you and DON'T get so wrapped up in their own lives that they forget about yours.

time4me · 23/09/2007 21:50

My son is 19 on friday.He is very severely disabled as a result of a brain haemorrhage so he is an example of a child not being born disabled but he was only one week when it happened.
RE: THIS COMMENT.I had loads of little put down comments like this and I bet your bottom dollar that this friend is resentful and jealous that you are demonstrating real love and happiness with your sn child.See it isnt supposed to be like that,you are undermining the cleverness of this friend who produced two nt kids.Ive heard them all,from when are you going to accept he is different to we felt so hurt for you driving up the motorway,going home.You put so much into your son and get so little back,we get so much from our normal baby,we do put some in,but we get loads back I could go on. Stupid thoughtless woman!

3andnomore · 23/09/2007 21:50

2 shoes...I know shit happens all the time...I am a trained nurse (without registration mind), and well, I have worked for a few years in oncology, and saw people coming from all walks of life, old and young, those that had a rough life style and those that hadn't....life isn't fair...
but, I suppose, being a Nurse, I also have seen instances where teh cute sn child turned into a sn adult, that the parents could not cope anymore wiht, because of their physical strenght, etc...and they had to make decision they would have never wanted to make, but had to be made, etc...
nothing is ever so cut and dry...
tbh, the people that really pee me off are the likes of my sister, who is basically jsut to frightened to have anything medically done....and well, she was never good at coping with me hvaing a cleft lip and palate, something that is, in the big picture, minor...she was embaressed by me, etc... and then her saying that she would never undergo any tests , because she would be to scared to have them...now, I know that if she had say a Down child, she would be ashamed and probably give the child up for adoption (that is the kind of person that she is)...now that to me is just horrible...

3andnomore · 23/09/2007 21:53

sorry of course children aren't sn, but they have sn...you are absolutely right to point that out...this is how easy it is to be thoughtless and stupid...
indeed, I am a great believer that no one should be defined by a diagnosis, but seen as a whole person, the individual they are...so, really sorry about that.

3andnomore · 23/09/2007 21:55

oh, and that was meant to say a child with down syndrome...not downs child...

Pitchounette · 23/09/2007 22:02

Message withdrawn

StarryStarryNight · 23/09/2007 22:03

To the op.

Talk to your friend. Maybe she feels so comfortable and secure in your friendship that she can honestly say what is on her mind, all her fears and worries. Maybe she was even hoping for you to reassure her that having a child with SN is really no "problem", but enriching.

(I understand how you feel upset by the thought your dc should be a "problem" rather than the light of your life, as to you she isnt, but others who dont understand might view her as such. Had lenghty talks with my MIL this summer about this, as she was very upset that her brother had suggested she "put her daughter in a home" (My SIL has multiple disabilities and a severe brain damage). The very thought of sending her darling dauther to a "home" gutted her.)

gess · 24/09/2007 07:44

pitchounette- time4me's friend's comeents really can't be defended- they're awfully insensitive, utterly, utterly crass- about the worst I've read on this thread.

time4me- there's a book by Paul Broks who I think is a clinical psych. It's about his time working in practice including caring for people with very severe disabilities. He writes a piece about a young man who had very very severe disabilities (following an accident iirc). He did little other than scream and lie twisted all the time (I think I'm remembering this correctly). The picture he painted was of someone who had PMLD, who had no sense of life and who was completely shut off and very uncomfortable with his disabilities. Then he saw the same man with his mother. He was completely relaxed and smiling and at total peace. He described his shame at the realisation that he hadn't viewed the young man as quite a whole person, with the ability to have relationships. It sounded as if the experience had totally challenged the way he viewed very severe disabilities. He was humbled.

gess · 24/09/2007 07:48

3andnomore- ds1 attends an SLD/PMLD school - it takes the children with the 'worst' learning difficulties disabilities locally. I have yet to meet someone there who knew before their child was born that they would be disabled. This is partly why all this talk of choices and choosing and knowing that one wuldn't be able to cope is so cringeworthy to read. It's extremely rare that anyone actually gets a choice.

eidsvold · 24/09/2007 11:52

I would have called her on the comment then and there. I had a friend who made a crass comment - when we were thinking about trying for another child. She was gobsmacked - she asked how we could do that??? She then pointed to my dd1 and asked if we could go through that again. My dd1 has down syndrome and was born with a congenital heart defect which was repaired by 2 open heart surgeries at 8 weeks old. ( think her pic is still on my profile)

She then said what if we had another one like.... and said no more

I pushed her and said like what? she couldn't evdn say it just kept saying - you know, you know. Finally I said - another child who sleeps through and has from the time she came home from hospital, a child who is gorgeous ( agian see profile ) and so on.

We are no longer friends. The friendship did not stand the test.

For me - as a parent of a child with sn - you are often having to battle to provide the best opportunities for your children ( sn or nt in fact) to achieve their very best. Life is full of people ready to tear you down and stomp on you on their way elsewhere

WHY oh WHY would you willingly then invite and have someone in your life who is not an enhancement to the life of your family? That is what it comes down to me for me and mine now. IF they can't see dd1 as we see her then they don't deserve the privilege of having my dd1 in their life.

3andnomore · 24/09/2007 12:36

I suppose so gess...

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 24/09/2007 12:43

eidsvold, your DD is so beautiful, it makes me feel quite teary that your ex-friend could say that.

tbh I think my friend is probably having to deal with deep-seated prejudices that she has against disabilities.

I think many many people have these prejudices, even those who would be regarded as pro-equality, liberal, educated etc. etc.

I know I am a nicer person for having my DD.

I wish I had immediately said, why would it necessarily be so so dreadful for you and your family if you had a child with my DD's SN?

I'm the sort of person who avoids conflict instinctively and hates a row, so I didn't. It's only when I thought about it a bit later that I started to feel incensed.

OP posts:
3andnomore · 24/09/2007 12:48

eidsvold, you daughter is absolutely adorable.

startouchedtrinity · 24/09/2007 13:17

eidsvold, she is lovely

time4me · 24/09/2007 21:03

eidsvold,your daughter is just fantastic.
Thank you also for the supportive comments,how I wish I could have had this support 19 years ago

Pitchounette · 25/09/2007 09:05

Message withdrawn

Pitchounette · 25/09/2007 09:08

Message withdrawn

gess · 25/09/2007 09:10

I think many professionals have problems seeing the whole child outside the disability! Especially in the UK where many professionals have very limited hands on experience (instead acting as behind the desk consultants). I collect people with hands on experience and always direct questions etc at them

time4me · 27/09/2007 18:26

It`s ok Pitch,I realise that people with no direct experiece make remarks and sometimes it does take a searing experiece like having your own sn child to know how much comments hurt.I know,cos I was a sn teacher for 10 years before I had ds!

dc80 · 30/11/2008 21:09

i think some people are small minded i have 2 chidren one ofwhich has special needs im also pregnant with 3rd child who will have a cleft lip and palate and because im a single mum ive had loads of comments bothe from friends and family and medical people rise above them people like that aint worth it

kiddiz · 30/11/2008 21:40

By expatinscotland on Sat 22-Sep-07 22:26:14 ....Thank you expat for that post. You saved me posting more or less exactly the same thing.

When my ds was about 1 a friend spent a whole afternoon telling my how lucky I was that my ds was so easy to look after and stayed where ever I put him and wasn't "into everything" and slept so well compared to her ds of the same age. After I got over the shock I explained to her how insensitive her comments were. I told her I be happy to run round after my ds all day if only he could walk and I would get up to him 20 times a night if it meant he didn't have sn. I told her that hopefully one day her ds would grow up and live an independant life whereas my ds willl need support for the rest of his. I don't think she had actually thought through what she was saying. She wasn't deliberately looking to hurt me. I actually think she thought she was being positive by pointing out how my ds was easier.

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