to be angry about my BF's attitude to the idea of having a child with special needs

[BigBeeristheBigBeer]

My DD2 has special needs.

My BF and I were discussing broodiness earlier and I said I was keen to have a third baby.

She said she was not so sure, as she had two perfect children already, and what if she had a disabled child - then she would have ruined her life and the lives of the existing family members.

I found this hugely offensive as my DD2 is most beautiful child, with a sunny nature and huge potential. She has by no means ruined my life, she has enhanced it immeasurably!

I am seething as I can't believe she could be so insensitive.

nothing but there's also nothing wrong with feeling fed up, tired and hard done by. I would much rather dd didn't have epilepsy and cerebral palsy. It isn't a gift or a special thing. Its a pile of shite.
Doesn't mean I don't love dd.

drsplus8

I am sorry I am sounding disagreeable but I think you are misunderstanding what I am trying to say. I am probably not expressing it well
I am very lucky. My children are fab. I am not negative at all to be honest.

I just think the special moms for special needs kids is trite and patronising for the reasons I am trying ( not very well ) to explain.

It is just stupid to pretend that just because you happen to give birth to a child that has or develops SN you change from a nice hard working ordinary mum into someone 'special'.
It smacks of twee fairy dust cutsie stuff that has no business with the real, extraordinary, emotional,fabulous, heart breaking, rewarding graft that is life with severe SN.
It also implies no effort on the part of the mother. It makes it sound like some magic pours over you and you just glide throughthe difficulties because you are 'special'

I am well aware that others feel differently and hey, whatever works. I was just explaining why I really don't like it.
Just my view

if im quite honest ive had the blackest of black days when ive been so far down about dd4 i couldnt imagine ever being happy again. its because i came so far down i chose a rethink about us. i dont dwell on the fact dd4 might never leave home/have family /go to mainstream school ,i cant let myself. i know there is a lot of kids who have worse conditions than my dd4 and ds3,whos struggle is much harder than anything i could imagine. i am not belittleing them by saying special mummies/ quite the opposite, i know how hard i work with dd4 dd3 and i have nothing but respect for their parents.the amount of kids is irrelevant- to a point, more kids =more work, i do get exhausted as i work part time too.i just think its an acnoledgement rather than a trite term. i truly did not mean to offend you ,i appoligise x

dsr
We all have those difficult days.
My son never will never ever leave home or be independent.I know what that is like.
You haven't offended me. And I hope I haven't offended you.
As I said. I was just eplaining why I don't like it personally.
If it is a comfort to you then honestly good for you.

I would just prefer that when I say 'flippin heck, I have had a terrible day, couldn't calm DS down and DD was upset about something someone said about her brother , and then DS didn't sleep and I am exhausted'

I want people to say.... "Poor you, sit down, let me get you a drink and rub your feet"....
rather than"gosh - you are special. I couldn't do that"

So Drs ...." I am sorry you are having a bad day. Sit down a while. have a warm drink. Poor you. You do work so hard - take a break if you can"

well of course you are Fio

Tis the rest of us hoi poloi..

gave up on spelling a long time ago!

I have some English Breakfast tea or some Earl Grey. And would you like a piece of Rocky Road with that?

I will take some fairy dust too. Just on me it looks like dandruff.....

pag thanx, im feeling less of a twat now.

I am mostly a twat.
I just embrace my twattishness .

And actually you sound amazing. Seriously.

yes. several hours.

I was going too.....

I shudder at the whole 'special parents for special kids' nonsense. Makes me cringe, makes me cross, makes me despair.

And I hate how insensitive some people are. That was an awful thing the OP's best friend said to her, whichever way you look at it. My own best friend - who is usually pretty sensitive - managed to say to me recently during a conversation about intervention in childbirth, 'well, as long as you have a healthy baby, it doesn't matter how it comes out'. My DD was born with a major heart defect. (And she was born by c-section!) It makes you realise what people really think and feel.

"oh it is a shame"

Hmmmm. Unfotunately having 'two perfect children already' is no guarantee of not having a child with special needs. My boy had a brain tumour when he was 8 which could have left him dead, mentally or physically handicapped or with learning disabilities. Fortunately following treatment he is well and healthy and the only lasting effects are mild dyslexia but I have met many other children who were not so lucky and are not so perfect any longer. But they are alive and all the more precious for it.

What an insensitive cow your friend is. Continue to treasure and love your daughter as you clearly already do. I so very nearly lost my son and I will never, ever forget the fear and pain. Your friend doesn't really seem to understand what unconditional love for a child is all about. Perhaps she should be pitied rather than anything else?

I have a NT child, but I was occasionally nervous through my pregnancy, wondering how I would cope if my child had SN. Some people have to live in a different style of house if it is a physical disability, give up work entirely because of the constant care, or the extra needs required for education. And what about if the child will never be independent? What happens then?

You chose to have children and with that came the risk of a SN child, but your other children didn't choose to have an SN sibling, and they could well be left with the responsibility of looking after their SN sibling for the rest of their lives, which will place the same limitations on them as on the parents. Of course I was scared of this, and couldn't imaging that I would be strong enough to cope with it, but I knew I would be damn well determined to never let my child down, no matter what, fear or no fear.

MadMarg you almost make it sound like people choose to have a child with sn!!
My dd was fine untill the birth and then thanks to the hospital(imo) she now has severe cp.
people don't choose this life, anymore than people choose to have an accident or ilness that leaves them disabled.
as for siblings, most of the ones I have met (ds included) are loving and caring people.

I haven't read the whole thread so I am sorry if I am repeating what others have said but what a horrible thing for your friend to say

My brother was born with SN and now at the age of 27 runs his own company and owns his own house and is a very succesful person. I cannot say that it was easy for him, it wasn't but he set out to prove he could do it and to prove others (teachers) wrong.

I think people with SN try harder to get what they want in life as they have so many more obsticals to overcome.

My DH can sometimes be a bit insensitive towards me (I was born slightly deaf and it is getting worse), DD had to have lots of tests etc to see if she had deafness from me. She doesn't , but some of the things DH would say really hurt me. He just didn't think and engage his brain before moving his mouth

I have since told him that in no uncertain terms that having some sort of disability such as deafness is not a bad thing. He gets it now.

Maybe your friend just didn't realize what she was saying.

No, you chose to have a child. With a child comes the risk of SN.

My DH is in the financial sector which involves a lot of hours at work, and I am doing some part time study until my DS is old enough to go to school, if we had a child with SN both those things would probably have to change (obviously depending on the level of SN).

I guess what I am saying (badly) is that any choice runs the risk of things not being as planned. That includes marriage, having children, basically any involvement at all!

My DH and I were discussing our wills, and we have to decide who would look after DS if we were both to die. This is an awful decision for us to make, because none of our family live in this country. How do you make this decision if you have an SN child?

Part of wanting the best for your children would be wanting them to have the freedom and ability to do whatever they want/are able to. This is for both TN and SN children, but what if you have both, a TN child has an SN sibling that needs major care? What then? How does a parent feel knowing that their TN child's future will be limited by caring for a SN sibling? I'm not saying they are not loving and caring people, I have no doubt that they are, but that's the point, isn't it? They love and care for their sibling, and that in itself places the limits.

I don't think I'm unusual in having these fears, and I doubt that many parents of SN children would willingly choose to have a child with SN, but once you have and love your child, then the SN is something you have to deal with. But it's also not unusual for people to NOT have children, because they are scared of the risk.

(But I do think it's kind of crass to say to a friend who has a SN child that you 'couldn't' cope in the way the OPs friend has.)