Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry about my BF's attitude to the idea of having a child with special needs

205 replies

BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 18:55

My DD2 has special needs.

My BF and I were discussing broodiness earlier and I said I was keen to have a third baby.

She said she was not so sure, as she had two perfect children already, and what if she had a disabled child - then she would have ruined her life and the lives of the existing family members.

I found this hugely offensive as my DD2 is most beautiful child, with a sunny nature and huge potential. She has by no means ruined my life, she has enhanced it immeasurably!

I am seething as I can't believe she could be so insensitive.

OP posts:
gess · 22/09/2007 21:21

"We've been friends for more than 20 years, and it's only this year that our friendship is being seriously challenged by this sort of comment."

Oh god what else is she saying? I lost a friend of 15 years because of ds1. Got fed up of her cringing and looking embarrassed and saying 'what's he doing" in a panicy voice every time we saw each other

kindersurprise · 22/09/2007 21:40

That is really sad, I am sorry you have been so upset.

I can understand someone saying that they would be worried about coping with a child with SN. It must be difficult at times, not just the problems and worries a child with SN brings, but also the way our society views these children as "imperfect" and "avoidable". This is not my opinion, btw, I believe that every child is a gift but there are too many people who have this attitude.

It was incredibly insensitive to say something like that to you, you are not being unreasonable to be hurt and angry.

I think you should tell her that she upset you, otherwise she will never learn and you will be leaving yourself open to more comments like that.

hunkermunker · 22/09/2007 21:49

Do you think the friendship's worth salvaging?

If so, can you have a quiet chat with her or perhaps write her a letter (word it on here, maybe, so you have the collective input of MN wisdom!)? Maybe that would help you to feel you had stood up for your DD2 by not letting this sort of comment go unchallenged - it will either be the making or breaking of the friendship, I suspect, but if it's going to continue with you biting your tongue and seething, that's not good.

Gess, I like "wrong audience" - I can imagine that works v well. I'm appalled at the crassness of some people though. FFS, they're CHILDREN first, surely?!

vixma · 22/09/2007 21:58

Out of order and a thoughtless comment, I don't blame you for being unhappy.

Nightynight · 22/09/2007 22:02

god, what a terrible outbreak of foot in mouth disease.

why on earth would the possibility of a child having some special needs be the first consideration? makes little sense, really

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 22:15

Thanks for the thoughtful repsonses.

gess, this year she has made a number of thoughtless comments.

She asked me if I would have problems loving my DD2 and said as an example that her dad wouldn't have been too impressed if her mum had produced a SN child, it had to be "perfect" (that word again) or else. I thought that was an unecessary remark.

She said she was really worried about her DS2's minor stammer as he would get teased at school as a result. My DD already has a noticeable physical impairment and I worry about her being bullied at school. I understand that she has a genuine concern about her son's speech, but I'm definitely the wrong audience, as we're waiting to see if our DD will speak at all!

Until you have a SN child it IS unimaginable, I know this, as until recently I was the mother of one NT child! But you love your SN child as much as your other children, no question.

And it's not a case of being a "strong" person. What else can you do but cope? Otherwise you might be tempted to just crawl into bed and never get up!

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 22/09/2007 22:16

There's nothing perfect about her, is there?!

Do you think she'd respond well to a letter? Or do you think it's got beyond that now?

TotalChaos · 22/09/2007 22:17

she sounds utterly selfish. I think as Hunker says, have one last stab at making it clear that these comments are unacceptable to you, and then depending on her response, deal with the friendship accordingly.

TotalChaos · 22/09/2007 22:18

my friend said something very tactless to me recently regarding SN (not as bad as your bf) and I was incandescent with fury. So I do sympathise, as you want a good friend to be able to edit what they say instinctively, and to be supportive rather than be such hard work.

2shoes · 22/09/2007 22:19

BigBeeristheBigBeer you don't need this person.

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 22:20

I'm not sure about a letter. I could put my thoughts across more easily written down, so it'd help me, but she might think it was a bit odd of me not to just phone her.

OP posts:
Malaleche · 22/09/2007 22:23

Without wishing to condone your friend or her attitude it seems from her comments about her dad that she has been brought up by someone who expects perfection´ and nothing less. I'm betting she's terrified her dad will be the one teasing´ her dc because of his stammer.

3andnomore · 22/09/2007 22:26

can I just say, that I have a cleft lip and palate (bilateral), and my mum was utterly devestated when I was born, as she just wanst prepared at all for it (I was born 1970)...she had also loads of comments like "you probably wanted to get rid of her, because you are a single mum"...not helpful!
MY mum loves me for the person I am, but I know that to this day, she still does find the the fact that I had this, and that I had to go to hospital for so many times to have operations, etc...is difficult to her.
She doesn't love me any less, it's just that life when things aren't straight forward can be very difficult!
She was, probably more then me,scared with every scan that a cleft would be shown in one form or another, and would almost celebrate if it wasn't...and she was possibly more devesatated then me, when I was wondering if ms maybe had one of those "healed" cleft lips, that still could mean operation...I myself have some traumatising moments I remember of all that, but all inall, I can't say there was much impact on my life, as that is all I knew..so, I would say for my mum it was harder to cope then it was for me...and I don't think oit's unusal to ahve these worries.!
The one comment about" neither did she expect YOU to have an sn child" did strike a cord wiht me...obviously there was not pre disposition in your family, so, it still happened and yes, that may well has brought the reality home to her, that it could happen to anyone, but that she feels, that personally she could not cope...

expatinscotland · 22/09/2007 22:26

And may I please point out that parents of SN children are not recipients of a 'special gift' or chosen by God because some higher power knew we could cope. We are not saints.

We are parents who have SN children.

'someone who admits that they wouldnt cope is brave and honest and the person who says it would ruin there life is the reason god never sent them a special gift to enlighten it '

I know you mean well, but please understand that this can come across as very patronising.

What is brave and honest about claiming you can't cope with your own damn life, which may or may not include challenges like an SN child, health problems, money problems, substance abuse problems, accidents, etc.?

What's the difference between the swings and roundabouts of life and having a children with SN?

As someone pointed out, many peole are born NT but become SN through illness or accident.

It happens.

All the time.

To people from all walks of life.

I'd have a frank discussion with this friend, BigBeer, and tell her you find these things really upsetting and you're very disappointed she keeps saying stuff like that and has so little consideration for your feelings.

2shoes · 22/09/2007 22:32

expat that is a good post

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 22:43

Malaleche, you have been very insightful there - you are spot on, and I can't believe I didn't think of that, knowing her and her family as I do. Her dad was a real perfectionist, and I think always gave her the impression that she had to earn his love. Her parents split up when she was about 4. (Ironically he is now sadly disabled himself after a stroke.)

Expat thanks for that post.

Our DD's SN came out of the blue, after a straightforward, low-risk, happy pregnancy. I was excitedly anticipating her arrival. Our DD was very unfortunate, and suffered trauma shortly before birth.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 22:51

I think I will have to speak to her. But am loathe to write off such a longstanding friendship, as we grew up together really. Had lots of fun times as teenagers!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/09/2007 22:55

I would have some serious doubts about a friendship in which I didn't feel comfortable expressing my feelings to my friend and he/she would take that into serious consideration. Or vice versa.

Original poster
BigBeeristheBigBeer · 22/09/2007 23:08

I just really hate conflict. I get totally stressed out by it and will usually go to great lengths to avoid an argument. I'm crap at arguments too, I always end up bursting into tears and making a show of myself.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/09/2007 23:12

Why does expressing your feelings about something that's upsetting you so much mean an argument?

When it's a real friend, this shouldn't be the case.

That's what friends are for, right? If you can't be honest with them about something this deep-seated and such an intrinsic part of your life, that says a lot about this friendship, unfortunately.

Blu · 22/09/2007 23:16

I don't think you need do this in a confrontational way, though. If she is at all sympatico to you, as soon as you say ' you know the other day, what you said really upset me' she will crumble in guilt, shame and embarrassment, won't she? And you will feel sorry for her becuae she will cringe in mortification!

if she gets defensive or doesn't understand then you may well feel like walking away.

Ruin your life, indeed! She must have tempoarily taken up residence on another planet - tell her to come back to earth immediately!

So sorry, though - very very hurtful.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/09/2007 23:18

I think you should challenge her on her comments BBITBB.

If she doesnt know she is saying offensive things, she'll not stop.

gess · 23/09/2007 08:54

gosh bigbeer- I can see why you don;t want to chuck away a friendship but you really can't be expected to pt up with more of those comments. it's her that has to change, not you.

Completely agree with expat's post. Might steal it to use next time someone goes on about how 'not everyone can cope with a child with SN' (er I have yet to meet many who had any sort of choice in the matter).

bubblagirl · 23/09/2007 09:28

expatinscotland if i affended you i apologise but them words come from a friend who has a sn child i understand you may think it is patronising but i attend groups for sn children and every parent there says the same thing as well as people with children without sn children say there children are special gifts and why shouldn't they be lots of people dont get to experience having children at all and they would see it as a special gift as i did as was told i'd nver have children no affense meant

but i feel that when someone says they cant cope then they are brave i have friends with sn children that put brave faces on to the world and behind closed doors admit they are not coping i think its brave to admit that as they can have the help they need instead of everyone thinking oh there ok and not helping i dont see anything wrong with that why is someone called brave when they are suffering from depression and admit it why cant they be brave when they admit they need help just because its a sn child

i understand the sensitivity that people may have about having sn child but eveyone wants them to be treated as equal then the parents should also be treated as equal and what i said about gift from god is the fact my friend says she was chosen to have her ds with sn as god knew she would love him lots of mothers choose to abort or put into care and lots of mums choose to keep and love there child and child with or with out sn is a gift

sorry if i did upset anyone by saying that its a sensitive issure but i too work with sn children and go to lots of groups and speak to lots of parents and they all say the same so i speak on there behalf its not as if i dont know what i'm talking about i've worked with them for years they are all wonderful children and if there parents feel the way they do then i know its not patronising as they are the ones who tell me this

bubblagirl · 23/09/2007 09:37

if a parent didn't admit they were struggling they wouldn't have the help coming to them you get parents on tv begging for help as they are strugling as care is not given to them its not about them having a choice i can see its affected some people what i said but as i work with parents with sn children i'm there to listen to them they know they didn't have a chouice it doesn't mean they can cope all the time its bloody hard with a dc without sn and werew all applauded to admit we need help why not a parent with sn child who has more reasson to want help its not a sign of not being agood parent

when a had pnd iwas told by mums your so brave to admit you need help why i was told the same on here very brave to admit you need help well done why is a parent of sn child brave to admit help why does it become affensive just because child has sn any mother who a admits they need help is brave i work with mothers of sn children who atre so happy to have someone to talk to and say all this as she doesn't want to look like a bad mum who cannot cope with her sn child

so if anyone took affense i'm so sorry but i'm just talking from my experience from the mums i work with and i'm glad they see there children as special gifts as there is so much cruelty to children these days its beautiful to hear such love towrds a child and to feel so honoured for that child to have entered there life as it has made it better and rewarding

many mums do not feel this way towards children with or with out sn children and if took a mum to have a sn child to feel this way then i think its wonderful and it certainly makes me think differently about my dc who i felt was a special gift to me when i was told i couldn't have children