Just given husband some home truths

[Happy0]

I've had a lovely day, our daughter is happy playing and my husband comes home from work moaning. He said he feels like he gets up, goes to work, comes home, makes dinner, clears up, watches TV while eating junk food then goes to bed. He's said this a few times before and I've always been supportive. Tonight, I said to him that he has plenty of time after dinner and maybe he should do something productive to feel better. He carried on moaning so I told him if he feels his life has no meaning that's his fault and to do something about it. He's now sulking. He said due to the lockdown he has nothing to look forward too and then had the cheek to ask what me and DD did this afternoon and when I said we went for a walk he replied is that all?!.
Am I BU for telling him to get a grip?

I wonder what on earth some of you with no jobs (unlike the OP) and a partner at home are doing which means you don't sit down til 9pm. Are you cooking a Christmas dinner every day?! Not everyone finishes work at 5, people can have a long commute, one of my kids drives over an hour to work so add to that parking and walking from where he can park and he is out of the house from 7.30 am to 7 pm. So if he takes a few minutes to speak to his partner and then cooks a meal, eats it and clears up it can easily be 9 pm.

I'm always amazed on MN that people think because they do a certain thing everyone else is exactly the same.

I think a lot of posters have been really unfair here, OP, and I think if you'd started off on a slightly different note you'd have gotten different replies.

From what you've said, it sounds like your DC is a toddler? So you work 20 hours a week, look after a toddler full time around those hours, do all housework, gardening, DIY, and other things. I actually think on balance that you do at least as much as your DP, if not far more!

That said, I do wonder if you could change the routine somewhat? If you were to cook/clean up a couple of days a week, and he did some housework at the weekend would that help? (If he would want that).

I do sympathise with him re the feeling of the daily grind. It's not about family life as such, but with work it can feel like doing the same thing day in day out. I work (technically) 37.5 hours a week, but overrun often. By the time I finish, commute home, do the few chores I have, and have eaten, it's late and I'm knackered, drained and CBA to do anything other than veg in front of the TV. It doesn't really "feel" like downtime, IYSWIM? If I'd had a particularly shit day at work, the anticipation of commuting home and then doing chores is just overwhelmingly depressing! (But such is life, of course!)

I'd imagine though that by the time DH has cooked, eaten and washed up, it's getting dark and DC is probably asleep? Meaning that some of the forms of mental respite eg sitting in the garden, going for a walk, or spending some time with DC, are no longer available to him?

I'm not advocating letting him off the hook - if he gives up cooking or washing up, then he needs to take on some more of the housework, and he'll need to take over with DC. But perhaps arranging routines so that he can spend some time with DC in the evenings - playtime, bed and bath, perhaps - might help?

(Although sometimes we do just need to be able to let off some steam!)

Hearhoovesthinkzebras

To be fair to the man, depending on what time he gets home from work, by the time he's cooked dinner, eaten it and cleaned up there's not much time left for a hobby is there?

It depends on the time, to be sure. But assuming 7pm (could easily be earlier), he'll have had dinner cooked and eaten and cleaned up (I don't remember OP saying he cleaned it up?) by 9pm. So with a 10pm bedtime that's an hour a day. OP says he has 2 hours a day to himself, so perhaps those estimates are too cautious.

Either way, he can carry on using that time to watch TV, which apparently is boring him, or he can use it to do something else (learn a language? Take up yoga? Read a book? Learn to knit? Do a painting? Play a boardgame?). But he needs to put the effort in to figure out what. It's not up to OP to do that for him.

If OP's portions were too small the solution was to make them bigger. Calculating a larger portion on top of checking there is petrol in the car? Are you mad, think of the effort involved in that. You'll be expecting her to buy her own biscuits next.

Planning a day out isn't work is it? I think you need to catch yerself on op.

We spoke this morning and he said he was just having a whinge after being in a hot office and is happy.

I think it's easy for the person who works more to feel a bit resentful - but like he says, it doesn't mean he's unhappy.

I work part-time (though not at all at the moment due to Covid) whereas DH has worked full-time throughout. Sometimes he comes home complaining but me being home also means he doesn't have to worry about sorting the animals out, doing housework, laundry, food shopping, cleaning or cooking. He can just go to work and come home, that's it.

I'm glad you spoke and he's okay. Maybe plan a takeaway or something one night soon so he has a night off?

QuestionMark because when people get stuck with that cycle they can't always get out there it by themselves. Of course it's not the OPs 'job' to find her husband a hobby but what's the point in being married to someone if you don't help each other out and support each other in times of need.
I joined a hobby group about 3 years ago that is now a major part of my life. It took me several attempts of having confidence in going to the group. Part of my encouragement and support came from my husband. Infact probably most of the support. He is my husband. He supports and cares for me if I need help and I do the same for him.

The OP is getting a lot of stick here. Why are people treating cooking dinner as though it's much more valuable than the household work she does? I'd happily come back from work and cook every day in 'exchange' for my DP doing all DIY and garden, finances and planning days out. And we don't have kids but if we did, again, I'd love it if he did the lion's share of that.

“In addition to packing the car for lovely days out do you also have to research family purchases on the internet and transfer all family photos on to the computer too?“
@CherrySpritz are you OP’s DH? But of a specific question?!

@1forsorrow
Maybe cook a meal while he plans a day out? It just sounds like you get all the fun stuff, walking in the park with DD, planning fun stuff, working 20 hrs to his 37.5 and he has travel time on top of that. You might have worked out a balance on time but I don't think you have a balance on drudgery
"Drudgery" is subjective and we all undoubtedly have a different hierarchy for domestic chores. For example I don't mind putting away dry laundry but hate hanging it out to dry. My DH is the opposite so we tend to split the chores to align with what we each find most tolerable. My DH would much rather cook than plan a day out. He finds it stressful thinking of things to do and factoring in naps, meals etc.

It does sound like the guy has had a shit day at work and just needed to blow off steam.

Regardless of who does what, telling someone to get a grip is never helpful. Mental health is under strain at the moment, a little more empathy wouldn't go amiss.

there are a few things here.
(1) typically, if me and little one has done a walk that I think is a big deal but other half needs persuading, I either let little one describe it or I sell it big. Each time. you say he already knows that it is a big deal
(2) sounds like he was in the mood to be comforted. Yes there is a time to tell him home truths (like that he is ultimately responsible for developing his free time activities towards happiness and feelings for fulfillment) but perhaps now is the time to say, "honey, how can I help you feel not like this?" Is there something specific he wants? Perhaps this conversation will be more about his wants and needs.
(3) Oh and whichever way it happens, back pocket this conversation because if you go for option 1, selling up your experience, you may also want him to share something from his day that was great. And if you go for option 2, then you may want to start thinking about something you want from him. for example, you may want a simple acknowledgement that you getting a 1 1/2 walk out of a toddler is a big achievement and you would appreciate just a little cheer from him when you accomplish that.

@Bumpitybumper so it is a good idea that your husband doesn't plan days out, doesn't mean the OPs husband wouldn't enjoy doing something different even if that is just to find out he'd rather do the cooking.

organising petrol

That is up there with him feeding the cats

IntermittentParps I don’t think ‘value’ comes into it but as pp have said how much DIY/gardening/finances is required daily? We mow the lawn once a week (weather permitting), all bills are DD, my car insurance needs renewing - it will take me less time than typing this, I booked a service for my car yesterday; took 5 minutes and that’s it for a year. Shopping takes a bit longer with the queues but I’m usually no more than an hour once a week (DH currently shielding). Planning days out; well at the moment there isn’t many places to go but if life was normal and you go out and have forgotten something, most places have shops. Filling a car with petrol won’t cause you to be late, it takes a maximum of five minutes.

I’d be if when I got home from a late shift at 9pm and DH expected me to cook dinner when he’d been in all day, whether he’d mowed the lawn and done the washing or not.

Checking petrol is well up there with opening the window, turning the tap off and opening the mail in terms of things which don't actually count as chores.

"What did you do today dear?"

" oh, I'm so tired. Today I went out the front door, opened the car door, turned on the ignition and checked the petrol."

"Oh my poor love. Let me book you a massage to tend to your poor aching limbs"

organising petrol

That is up there with him feeding the cats

Well maybe the OP could try feeding the cats then? I'd rather fill the car every 2 or 3 weeks than feed the cats every day, particularly it if involves washing their stinky bowls afterwards.

[quote Panicbuying]@Apple1029 what are you cooking that means you wouldn’t sit down until 9?! Am beginning to think I must be missing something as lots of posters are making out that cooking dinner is a massive chore, it’s usually 30 minutes tops in this house unless I feel like making something fancy at the weekend. We have a dishwasher so clearing up is about 5 minutes max. DH definitely spends more time doing chores than I do over the course of the week and he does the same list of stuff as OP.[/quote]
We'll, if the dh doesn't get home until 7 then gas to start cooking and then sit down to eat I don't think it's unreasonable to say that's not finished until 8.30pm. Then he has to clean up, which might well mean washing up. Op doesn't say they have a dishwasher. They might. They might not.

Of course. He might get in at 4pm but I guess we are all considering how it would work in our own lives and then applying that to this situation. All equally valid as op hasn't given details.

Maybe it is becoming a single mum after 20 years, having to work nights and having a large family to care for but seriously OP you come across as an entitled Princess with how you list the jobs everyone has to do to run a house.
Doing a packed lunch, looking for vouchers, getting petrol? I wouldnt even list these things is I was specifying jobs to do.
And he sounds like a whinger too, making dinner? It is hardly going out slaying a cow and roasting it on an open fire. Stick in a pizza and garlic bread, cut up some salad, done. Put on some pasta bake and leave to cook if things really are so hard.
You both sound so competitive, it must be exhausting, just get on with it.

@CoronaMoaner

“In addition to packing the car for lovely days out do you also have to research family purchases on the internet and transfer all family photos on to the computer too?“ *@CherrySpritz* are you OP’s DH? But of a specific question?!

No, it was a joke referring back to a thread from a few months ago when the OP listed these tasks in an attempt to justify the ‘huge’ amount of life admin she was doing.

How much "planning" does a walk take? It's not like we can really go anywhere or have a real day trip, so presumably it's a case of making sure you're both dressed, getting your keys / water and potty and leaving the house...

I should have said an OP, not this specific OP.

I see your point, but also his.

You are doing your fair share but have more time to do it and more control over when and how it’s done.

His sounds like a dull routine with no down time.

I’d suggest mixing it up a bit, agree some nights when you do the cooking and clearing up but substitute for other things you are currently doing.

@CrazyTimesAreOccurring

I agree. My DH has had to cope with doing all of it since I've been very unwell with long-term COVID-19 symptoms, having previously had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He's also WFH right through, and before that he was coming home at 7pm regularly. (I was able to do more back then, though, admittedly.)

He just gets on with it, with pizza, tuna pasta, spaghetti etc. That's what you do. The OP's DH chose to do the cooking because he wasn't satisfied with the meals provided by his wife. A simple solution would for the OP to cook the meals, and she and her DD can have their tea (my DDs needed to eat early when they were toddlers). And then her DH can eat something else if he's still hungry. It doesn't have to be such a big deal, does it?

@LannieDuck

Hearhoovesthinkzebras

To be fair to the man, depending on what time he gets home from work, by the time he's cooked dinner, eaten it and cleaned up there's not much time left for a hobby is there?

It depends on the time, to be sure. But assuming 7pm (could easily be earlier), he'll have had dinner cooked and eaten and cleaned up (I don't remember OP saying he cleaned it up?) by 9pm. So with a 10pm bedtime that's an hour a day. OP says he has 2 hours a day to himself, so perhaps those estimates are too cautious.

Either way, he can carry on using that time to watch TV, which apparently is boring him, or he can use it to do something else (learn a language? Take up yoga? Read a book? Learn to knit? Do a painting? Play a boardgame?). But he needs to put the effort in to figure out what. It's not up to OP to do that for him.

Op did say he cleans up after cooking.

How about maybe he'd like to spend some quality time with his dd, you know, like op does? Maybe he doesn't want to be on the go from early morning until 9pm and then spend an hour doing what you've just suggested? Maybe those things aren't of interest to him. Maybe by 9pm he's knackered and has no spare energy to start learning a language? Maybe what he'd like is to be able to get some exercise, perhaps go for a run, or in normal times, go to the gym? I don't think that's unreasonable for him to want to exercise a few times a week. It's not feasible if he isn't finished with his chores until 9pm though, especially having not long eaten.

I don't think op is lazy particularly, I think she's somehow ended up with the chores that she can do during the day though. So, she works half the hours her husband does so can do the washing and cleaning during the day and get some fun time with their DD.

If she cooked dinner twice a week but her dh took on some of her chores that he could do maybe before work or at the weekend (say laundry - load machine up at night, set timer for early morning, washing done when you get up, few minutes before work to hang out) so that frees up his time in the evening. They're both still sharing the chores, just re distributing when they get done.

I'm interested how some people are getting shopping done in 30 minutes during lockdown though. There's a good 30 minute queue here just to get into the supermarket.

As someone else said, it's about working out how much free time each partner has but also how much of that is useable quality time and what quality of life each person has.

Maybe just mixing up the chores so both partners do a bit of everything will be enough to alleviate the tedium.