Just given husband some home truths

[Happy0]

I've had a lovely day, our daughter is happy playing and my husband comes home from work moaning. He said he feels like he gets up, goes to work, comes home, makes dinner, clears up, watches TV while eating junk food then goes to bed. He's said this a few times before and I've always been supportive. Tonight, I said to him that he has plenty of time after dinner and maybe he should do something productive to feel better. He carried on moaning so I told him if he feels his life has no meaning that's his fault and to do something about it. He's now sulking. He said due to the lockdown he has nothing to look forward too and then had the cheek to ask what me and DD did this afternoon and when I said we went for a walk he replied is that all?!.
Am I BU for telling him to get a grip?

[MsJuniper]

I don't think it's a question of who does more, but that everything is quite samey if you each have set responsibilities. Lockdown means that activities that might break up the week aren't happening and his perception is that you have 17.5 hours to do interesting things.

We alternate bedtime and cooking which works quite well. Sometimes it will just be a "freezer special" shoved in the oven with some rice if the dinner-maker is feeling tired.

I can see both your points of view and they aren't actually in opposition to each other as much as they seem. Instead of giving each other "home truths", maybe it's time to acknowledge that things are frustrating at the moment and work out some changes together?

[Reisscon]

You sound quite lazy to me, your very lucky your husband comes home each night cooking and cleaning up after. No wonder he's pissed off. He sounds a bit downtrodden.

[NaviSprite]

If he is doing the cooking every day then shouldn’t you at least be on clean up? I do all the cooking and DH then washes up. If (on the blue moon occasion) DH cooks, I do the clean up. If you’re sorting the washing he can then spend more time with your DD?

It does sound like he’s trying to communicate and you’re shutting down because either you feel it’s not fair he gets to complain but you don’t, or because you think he should just get on with things without moaning?

If he’s trying to talk to you, listen, if you think he’s being a bit unreasonable then have a constructive chat, don’t just gloss over it with “well make some changes then”. How would you feel if this situation were reversed and he dismissed you for how you feel?

I say this as a SAHM with twin toddlers and a DH who moans a lot - no good ever comes from comparing who has it easier/harder as it’s all about perspective, you can only speak from yours and he can only speak from his.

[1forsorrow]

@Bizawit 1forsorrow yes you are right it depends on the job. I’m just so horrified at people on this thread acting like looking after their child is a holiday and doesn’t count as work. It’s classic sexism : work for pay= work, domestic labour and childcare = sitting on your arse all day doing nothing / entertaining yourself I think childcare is work, I've got 4 so been there done that, but the big advantage of being at home is the flexibility. If you're feeling rotten you can put PeppaPig on a loop and lie on the sofa, if you don't feel like doing any housework this morning you can go to the park. They don't use the expression "Wage Slave" for nothing, for those 8 hrs a day or whatever it is your life isn't your own. There are positives, depending on your job, like contact with other adults but there are positives about being at home and if you have worked 8 hrs in the house and he has worked 8 hrs out of the home I don't think it is fair to say, "I've done my share of housework so I'll sit here in the evening and you can cook, clean up, feed the cat because it isn't fair if I have to do more stuff at night."

In the early days of my marriage my husband worked a rota of 6 days one week, Monday to Saturday, and 4 days the next, Monday to Thursday. On his short week he spent the Friday doing housework, washing, shopping etc and we had a free Saturday Sunday with just cooking to do. On his long week I did all the house stuff on Saturday and we had a nice Sunday. It meant we had quality time to enjoy together, him doing half the stuff on the Friday so I had to do my share on a Saturday wouldn't have been as positive, and the same the next week.

[1forsorrow]

Also, did everyone miss the bit where the OP says she also works out of the home and takes care of every other chore in the house other than the main meal? No he does the meal, the clean up, feeds the cats and does the shopping. Also they share it at weekends.

[Ferret27]

@Beingkindisfree ... you missed and does the washing up ... on your list

[Mittens030869]

I don't think the OP is lying on the sofa whilst her DH is clearing up. At that time of the evening, she'll be doing bath time and putting her DD to bed. But it would make sense if they took turns, as her DH is missing out on spending time with his DD. I think that's the point really. The rest of the division of labour isn't really relevant.

[Mittens030869]

I wouldn't even mention about who feeds the cats, though. Surely when you have cats, you respond when a cat comes to you and says 'Miaow'. More relevant is who treats them for fleas and worms or takes them to the vet?

For me, looking after my cats isn't a chore, I do it because I love having cats.

[vanillandhoney]

Also, did everyone miss the bit where the OP says she also works out of the home and takes care of every other chore in the house other than the main meal?

But she doesn't do everything else, does she?

OP's DH does all the shopping, and cooks dinner each night as well as clearing up afterwards. He also feeds the cats and splits everything 50/50 with OP at the weekend.

The problem is, the whole post seems really petty. Planning days out and making sure there's petrol in the car doesn't count as housework!

[vanillandhoney]

For me, looking after my cats isn't a chore, I do it because I love having cats.

I agree it's not really a chore, but it's still something that needs to be done and that takes time. If OP can claim that checking the amount of petrol in the car is a job, I'm sure he can claim that feeding the cats is a one too

[Mittens030869]

I just find it hard to believe that the cats don't come looking for food when the OP's DH isn't around.

[QuestionMarkNow]

OP's DH does all the shopping, and cooks dinner each night as well as clearing up afterwards. He also feeds the cats and splits everything 50/50 with OP at the weekend.

That's not that much.... Esp as she does all the DIY, the cleaning etc... Im pretty sure that applies to the weekend too. But at the weekend, her DH probably does half of the parenting (ish?)

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

How much DIY do you all do?

I doubt she's re decorating or plastering every week is she? Wonder what the DIY actually consists of?

[QuestionMarkNow]

But but but... DIY is always mentioned as one of the important things that men do. That is always equivalent to women doing all the housework!!
So why is that the OP can't get away from cooking dinner because she is doing all the DIY too?

[vanillandhoney]

@QuestionMarkNow

But but but... DIY is always mentioned as one of the important things that men do. That is always equivalent to women doing all the housework!!
So why is that the OP can't get away from cooking dinner because she is doing all the DIY too?

No, that's an excuse lazy men come up with for why they don't do any housework.

I've never seen it used on these threads as a justifiable get-out clause for doing the housework.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

@QuestionMarkNow

But but but... DIY is always mentioned as one of the important things that men do. That is always equivalent to women doing all the housework!!
So why is that the OP can't get away from cooking dinner because she is doing all the DIY too?

Well, if men use that argument they're wrong. Just as its wrong here, in my opinion.

Occasional odd jobs don't compare to daily, or even weekly, chores and I wouldn't accept my dh using an occasional unblocking of a gutter or fixing a ceiling fan as an excuse to not do household chores.

[QuestionMarkNow]

That’s not men saying that though. It’s women on MN.....

[vanillandhoney]

@QuestionMarkNow

That’s not men saying that though. It’s women on MN.....

Yeah, on threads where they have useless partners.

I have never, EVER heard a woman come on here and say they're okay with doing all the cooking/cleaning/shopping because their husband does all the DIY.

DIY is not a daily, weekly or even monthly job. Cooking and cleaning up needs doing daily, shopping weekly. No rational person would compare the two.

[Whitney168]

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

How much DIY do you all do?

I doubt she's re decorating or plastering every week is she? Wonder what the DIY actually consists of?

Well if filling the car up with fuel on the way somewhere was worthy of listing separately, I can’t imagine the DIY projects are huge ...

[ManchNic]

I am truly shocked at how many people think OP's husband has it hard because he goes to work and 😱 does the cooking! Have we gone back in time?? The days I work are often much easier than being home all day, and my husband regularly works and cooks tea.

OP you have been sympathetic many times already, YANBU to tell him to do something about it himself if he is fed up.

Honestly, I am astounded that these are the responses in 2020 😞

[LannieDuck]

You sound quite lazy to me

Wtf? She works PT, looks after their child and does 50% (?) of the chores.

He works FT and does 50% (?) of the chores.

Are you saying that working PT + looking after child doesn't = working FT?

[Mittens030869]

Well if filling the car up with fuel on the way somewhere was worthy of listing separately, I can’t imagine the DIY projects are huge ...

No more ridiculous a chore to mention than telling us that her DH feeds the cats!! Surely you just feed the cats when they come asking for food?? They keep miaowing until you feed them.

Both chores are ridiculous to include really. I'd say they have a fair division of labour, but the OP's DH needs to be putting his DD to bed rather than doing the clearing up sometimes.

[3cats]

Yes, you do sound lazy, OP. I make sure my house is immaculate before my husband comes home and the children are already in bed. I make him a lovely steak dinner and hand him his slippers and pipes when he walks in. I then listen to him as he tells me about his day and run him a bath.

Not really! I’m a lone parent. I do every fuck thing. No sympathy for anyone who thinks men shouldn’t pitch in when they get home from work and at weekends.

[LadyConstanceDeCoverlet]

I am truly shocked at how many people think OP's husband has it hard because he goes to work and 😱 does the cooking

The point is that he does a lot more than that. Read OP's posts.

[GlummyMcGlummerson]

The projecting on this thread is palpable.

Like sorry you all have useless shitbags of husbands who don't lift a finger but calling the OP lazy because her husband does more than yours holds no credibility and is painfully transparent