Just given husband some home truths

[Happy0]

I've had a lovely day, our daughter is happy playing and my husband comes home from work moaning. He said he feels like he gets up, goes to work, comes home, makes dinner, clears up, watches TV while eating junk food then goes to bed. He's said this a few times before and I've always been supportive. Tonight, I said to him that he has plenty of time after dinner and maybe he should do something productive to feel better. He carried on moaning so I told him if he feels his life has no meaning that's his fault and to do something about it. He's now sulking. He said due to the lockdown he has nothing to look forward too and then had the cheek to ask what me and DD did this afternoon and when I said we went for a walk he replied is that all?!.
Am I BU for telling him to get a grip?

Is it just a lock down thing OP, what did he do with his evenings before lockdown?

It doesn't sound like he was particularly getting at you to be honest, more just that he is bored, fed up and not getting pleasure out of life.

Whilst it's not your job to fix that, the fact that his mood affects everyone would mean for me that I'd try to do something to help.

This reminds me of that bloody Quorn advert where (first Alan Davies, then it changed) says "how does (Dave or whoever) make up for working late?" : essentially, a bloke works late, comes home to the missus who is parked on the sofa and has to MAKE UP for having to work late by cooking tea for the lazy sod. The gender is irrelevant of course, just why should anyone have to MAKE UP for working late?!!

@LannieDuck

But assuming 7pm (could easily be earlier), he'll have had dinner cooked and eaten and cleaned up (I don't remember OP saying he cleaned it up?)

OP literally wrote "comes home, makes dinner, clears up" in her OP.

I'm not sure whether the division of labour is fair or not, but cooking every night gets monotonous, even if you enjoy cooking.

I have this quarrel regularly with DP, anything gets tedious if it's every bloody day.

Does your DP not get any time with your child in the week as he's straight to the kitchen after work? That would be the rub for me, not seeing dc other than at the weekend, I just wouldn't agree to it.

@Happy0 - surely though the bigger problem still exists of your husband isn't happy with his life and you think you have a good life. That's a pretty big gap that you both need to openly discuss.
The drudge of going to work, coming home, doing housework, going to bed, do it all again is bloody dull. Maybe he needs to be able to talk to you - his partner openly about it, without you feeling like it is an attack on you and your lifestyle - that you are happy with.

just why should anyone have to MAKE UP for working late?!!

Sometimes people use working late as an excuse not to have to engage with their children. By the time they're home the 'witching hour'/ bedtime/bath whatever is over.

Sometimes working late is not a thing that is agreed between partners. Yes, sometimes it has to be fine, some jobs require it etc etc but most family's routines are explicitly or implicitly agreed beforehand and a change to that means the other parent is affected too.

Come home from work and make dinner?!?! The poor, poor sod. Cant imagine how he coped before being married. Maybe his mum popped round.

Sometimes people use working late as an excuse not to have to engage with their children

There's no evidence of children in that Quorn advert.
And no evidence that the lazy sod sitting on the sofa didn't know their OH was working late. No reason they couldn't cook tea anyway. However you cut it, that advert winds me up.

surely though the bigger problem still exists of your husband isn't happy with his life and you think you have a good life. That's a pretty big gap that you both need to openly discuss. The drudge of going to work, coming home, doing housework, going to bed, do it all again is bloody dull. Maybe he needs to be able to talk to you - his partner openly about it, without you feeling like it is an attack on you and your lifestyle - that you are happy with

Completely agree. Putting to one side who does what, there seems to be this contrast between the OP who is happy and her DH who is bored/depressed.

I'm not sure whether the division of labour is fair or not, but cooking every night gets monotonous, even if you enjoy cooking. Ain't that the truth. Been married 48 years, DH became disabled 30 years ago, I've cooked every meal since unless we have gone out. We used to eat out once or twice a week, since lockdown we can't do that. I no longer enjoy cooking, I no longer bake. If I lived alone I'd have a sandwich or beans on toast but when it isn't just you then you feel you need to cook something. I'm eating out every bloody night for a month when restaurants open.

We have had fish and chips delivered once which was bliss but they are so busy you can't rely on delivery times and I don't fancy sitting hungry waiting for a delivery.

I think the bashing I got for the time I take to plan nice days out, pack the car up and organise petrol was unfair

OP it is now June - how much time have you spent on the above tasks since lockdown started in March? Yet dinner needs to be cooked and cleaned up after every day.

He is talking about unhappiness with daily chores but I think his life sounds miserable to me.

@AWryGiraffe

Come home from work and make dinner?!?! The poor, poor sod. Cant imagine how he coped before being married. Maybe his mum popped round.

How is that either fair or helpful?

Many female posters have said they don't cook because their partner does it or if they have to do it they hard it and it's monotonous or that the couple take turns - have you replied to those posters with a "see diddums, how did you manage before you got married"?

He is the kind of poster who says I am unhappy what should I do and we tell him and he says I tried to talk to my wife about my feelings but...

Op did say he cleans up after cooking. Happy to be corrected on that.

How about maybe he'd like to spend some quality time with his dd, you know, like op does?

Certainly a solution would be to alternate cooking and childcare on different evenings. But it sounds like he's choosing to do the cooking rather than OP making him do it.

Maybe he doesn't want to be on the go from early morning until 9pm

Wouldn't we all? At the moment, DH and I are both trying to work FT while homeschooling 2 kids. I start at 8, he starts much earlier, maybe 6-7ish. Neither of us really gets a chance to stop until the kids are in bed - about 8pm ish.

Presumably the OP is on the go all that time too, doing childcare? And then later putting the DC to bed while he cooks?

Maybe those things aren't of interest to him.

lol, I have no idea what would be of interest to him, which is why he needs to do the thinking for himself!

Basically, I was saying that if he's bored and stuck in a rut, he needs to do something about it instead of hoping OP will.

But I think the thread has moved on a bit - he's admitted he just wanted a moan, which we all need to do from time to time :)

@QueSera

I think the bashing I got for the time I take to plan nice days out, pack the car up and organise petrol was unfair

OP it is now June - how much time have you spent on the above tasks since lockdown started in March? Yet dinner needs to be cooked and cleaned up after every day.

Exactly - there can’t have been any outings to attractions/days out that needed planning for nearly three months! Daydreaming about what you might like to do isn’t the same thing, but that wasn’t what the OP was describing.

If my partner was lazing about while I was at work, then expected me to cook and clean when I got home, both barrels would be given

How is raising a child when you're not at your 20 hour a week job lazing about something tells me all these Aunt Lydias wouldn't think a man raising a 3yo alongside a job would be considered lazy

As has been suggested, it's very likely that the OP is putting their DD to bed whilst he's cooking tea, which is a reasonable division of labour. My DH always liked to do that part whilst I cleared up downstairs so that he had that time to bond with our DDs. It would be beneficial if he could do that instead of meal prep and clearing up?

Sorry OP - you broke the woman-code. Never admit that your DH does all the cooking. It will only end in a backlash. Men don't like to hear it in case their DWs think they should do some cooking. Women don't like to hear it because it challenges the balance of chores in their own household and it is much easier to pretend that they think that is what is best and label any other woman, who doesn't slave over the hob every night, lazy.

I think your set-up sounds fine. He has the easier task by the sounds of it. One thing on his list to take care of which is routine and time-limited, whilst your list has 'everything else'. Maybe that 'everything else' can be accomplished in the 17 hours less you work out of the home while looking after your DD. Probably not.

My DH once let slip in front of friends that he made my DDs' packed lunches. That did not go down well with the mums or the dads.

@Mittens030869

As has been suggested, it's very likely that the OP is putting their DD to bed whilst he's cooking tea, which is a reasonable division of labour. My DH always liked to do that part whilst I cleared up downstairs so that he had that time to bond with our DDs. It would be beneficial if he could do that instead of meal prep and clearing up?

It's a reasonable division of labour if both parties are happy with it? Maybe he would actually like to have some time with his dd and play with her and then do bed time, rather than cooking every night?

No one seems to be suggesting that op does everything so that he can come home and put his feet up with pipe and slippers but more that he seems to be doing more of the boring repetitive stuff while op gets a bit more of the fun stuff eg outings with their DD

Isn't it all about communication and compromise?

But he wanted to do the cooking? Its like demanding cake and whining while eating it

Lots of people work 20 hours or more a week. I do 25 and my husband 40. I do the housework and cooking because I can do it while he's working. Even managed when I had 2 children under 2 at home.
Now things have changed as I'm on maternity leave and have the children at home full time but I still don't expect my husband to come home and start cooking.
He does do the garden (about an hour on weekends) and food shopping and occasionally washes up but he's at work a lot.
I don't really think it's fair if one person does less hours to expect their partner to do a job that's going to take over an hour every single night (cooking and washing up is easily an hours work if no dishwasher).
Anyway if it was just a rant fair enough but I'm guessing he won't dare to share any concerns with you again.

@slipperywhensparticus

But he wanted to do the cooking? Its like demanding cake and whining while eating it

Did he though?

Op said they agreed he would do the cooking because her portions were too small.

Thats hardly him requesting to do the cooking because he enjoys it or fancies himself as the next Gordon Ramsey and for all we know he might have asked for her to cook bigger meals and she through down the oven gloves and told him to do it himself if he didn't like what she cooked.

Not sure the fact that he does the cooking is an indication that he enjoys doing it.

Actually forget who has the harder life, forget if you can minute by minute prove who does more just think how you would feel if you husband came home feeling happy, had a great day at work and you said you were feeling really rotten, your life was all childcare, work and planning days out and he decided to tell you some home truths. Would you think that was kind, if you were having a bad day would you hope he might say something positive and maybe, God forbid, offer to do something to help?

I think it is a sad relationship if the response to a partner having a bad day is to tell them a few home truths. Fortunately my husband never did that to me when I was working/doing housework/bringing up kids and being his carer. He couldn't do alot physically but moral support in buckets.