Just given husband some home truths

[Happy0]

I've had a lovely day, our daughter is happy playing and my husband comes home from work moaning. He said he feels like he gets up, goes to work, comes home, makes dinner, clears up, watches TV while eating junk food then goes to bed. He's said this a few times before and I've always been supportive. Tonight, I said to him that he has plenty of time after dinner and maybe he should do something productive to feel better. He carried on moaning so I told him if he feels his life has no meaning that's his fault and to do something about it. He's now sulking. He said due to the lockdown he has nothing to look forward too and then had the cheek to ask what me and DD did this afternoon and when I said we went for a walk he replied is that all?!.
Am I BU for telling him to get a grip?

To be fair I'd be pretty pisssed off too
So he comes home at 7pm , feeds the cat , I'm assuming it's not a 3 course meal , just something from a tin or bag ,and you cant find time to do that , while waiting for the kettle to boil ?
he cooks , then cleans up so I'm assuming he doesnt actually get to sit down until about 9pm after being at work all day . While you stroll in a park ?
I'd be having words with you to be honest
I work 20 hours , mostly more, my husband does 40+ unless I'm working evenings I mostly cook , why wouldn't, I've managed to do it with 3 children
I normally Have a late start so something in the slow cooker or.make it at lunchtime and stick some cling film over it just to be warmed up in a microwave

purpledaisies it's not pearl clutching its a fact.
Stop having kids if you don't want to parent them.
Trust me you will be doing the world a favour.I
It's not rocket science.

If my partner was lazing about while I was at work, then expected me to cook and clean when I got home, both barrels would be given.
It would only happen once.

So if the ops husband didn't cook, what else would he be doing ?
He can't seem to entertain himself as it is.

@PurpleDaisies

Food shopping takes 30 minutes.

Online or at a supermarket? It’s at least an hour here for a weekly shop.

In the supermarket, I drop my boyfriend off, take my son on a walk and he’s always done within half an hour and back at the car. He does the shopping for us and for his friend who is shielding.

Saying something is a fact when you’re giving your opinion does not, in fact, make it a fact @emilybrontescorsett

Sounds like he was having a moan about life.

I work full time and study and life sometimes gets a bit tedious. I have loads of things I enjoy doing but not as much time as I would like to do them in. With lockdown things have been harder with not being able to do the little things that help break up the same old routine.

I am sure most of us have felt this way before. Just talk to him about how he is feeling. I would be upset if my husband basically told me to get a grip when I was expressing being quite down about life.

It doesn't have to be a competition about who does more and who has it harder. Sometimes people want to talk about how they are feeling and be listened to, not so the problem can be fixed, but just to share how they are feeling.

@DestinationFkd

If my partner was lazing about while I was at work, then expected me to cook and clean when I got home, both barrels would be given. It would only happen once.

OP works 20 hours, does all the housework, diy, gardening, childcare, family activitiea and general admin e.g family finances. How is that lazing about?

I read through some of the replies last night and the rest this morning; thank you for the time you took to reply.
There are lots of comments about me doing some of the cooking, so I'll share my thoughts. I used to do that as well as everything else but this wasn't sustainable because the balance between us wasn't there. We agreed that he would do the cooking and food shop. I don't feel bad that I don't do any cooking. I do plenty of other things to support the house.
The reason I posted was because I think we have a nice life and he came home moaning. I guess what got my goat was I think we give our lives meaning. He has at least 2 hours a day plus weekends to do something that gives him joy. We spoke this morning and he said he was just having a whinge after being in a hot office and is happy.

It's always nice to hear other people's perspective and I must say you do get that here so thank you again.

This is not a reverse, I'm quite a straight forward person and wouldn't do that

You make it sound like hard work which takes all day @SimonJT
Newsflash. It isn't and it doesn't.

@DestinationFkd

You make it sound like hard work which takes all day *@SimonJT* Newsflash. It isn't and it doesn't.

Of course it doesn’t take 24 hours a day, but it isn’t lazing about. You really think the OPs husband should do absolutely nothing in the home apary from feeding the family cat?

On a separate note, I think the bashing I got for the time I take to plan nice days out, pack the car up and organise petrol was unfair. When you have tuppence left over at the end of the month, I don't feel comfortable just turning up at an attraction/ day out and spending without planning. Also my car costs £40 to fill up and that needs taking into account too. I try to plan nice days out that don't cost a fortune so we can enjoy ourselves without the worry. This means packing a lunch or planning where the money is coming from. It also means looking for free parking or vouchers. I do think though that even if we were millionaires I still would plan things so it's not stressful , we don't have to carry loads or we're not late meeting people because we had no petrol. This has turned out to be a bit of a rant and I'm sure you're all feeling super sorry for my DH - ha ha

When he's been at work all day, no.
Weekends, yes.
As for 'family finances' they haven't been needed to be done since the advent of direct debits and standing orders.
Insurance etc takes less time to sort online with a brew than it does to piss about on here.

Yet here is an adult who is moaning, far enough, but doesn't have the mental capacity to understand that others are in the same boat
The weather has been amazing. Opportunities to go out and enjoy at least once a day. Being able to have time to relax and do what you want when the child has a nap. Bring able to sit in the garden and enjoy the sun.

I totally sympathise with mums of three children or more, or those stuck in a flat in a city away from the sea. But one child and a garden. Yep, I'd take that any day over going to work 9 to 5 plus every day.

@DestinationFkd
You make it sound like hard work which takes all day
Of course looking after a young child whilst doing a variety of domestic chores can take all day. There are so many variables at play here that it's impossible to definitively state how long any individual task or activity should take.

Some people assume childcare is some kind of passive activity that you do alongside cracking on with domestic chores and getting other stuff done. They largely have children that can and will play safely and independently for some period of time to allow them to do this. Others through choice or necessity dedicate a lot more undivided time and energy on looking after their children. If you are taking children out for long days out, spending a lot of time doing enriching activities or have to constantly watch them like a hawk to keep them safe then it is obviously a lot harder to combine these things with getting other stuff done. The same can be said for cooking (cooking elaborate meals from scratch Vs bunging something in the oven) or cleaning (thoroughly cleaning a substantial house is going to take a lot longer than whipping round a small house)

I am AMAZED by posters saying that OP is taking the piss because her DH cooks dinner and cleans up. That is only one household chore! Cooking meals is the one bit of housework that I don't resent - I find it much easier to cook while looking after DD than to do gardening or DIY, and I'm pretty sure that laundry actually takes more of my time in total than cooking because of ironing (I know some people manage not to do it, but DH's shirts look shit if it's not done). Her DH contributes to household chores and people immediately think that means OP isn't pulling her weight without asking about the million other things that need doing around the house????? My Ddad was always the cook when I was growing up, it didn't mean my DMum didn't do plenty of other stuff.

He is probably feeling shit about the repetition of life at the moment. I reckon most people are. 3 days a week my days are like his - leave for work at 5am, get back at 6.30, throw on some dinner ASAP, then straight into bathtime/bedtime for 3 yo DD (this was pre-Covid). Those days are tough, and I couldn't do it without significant grumbling without something to look forward to at the weekend. It's not really directed at you, it's just that he's frustrated and wants a moan. I'd probably let it pass for the time being and wait out the current situation.

What kind of dinners does he prepare? Interested in this too :) You mentioned he was moaning about junk food. I would suggest you have a look through Jamies 15 minute meals and one day you and DD spend a few minutes writing a list for him to collect from the supermarket and surprise him with some delicious quick dinners. Im afraid I agree with others, its really not hard to having something planned with a whole day at home with one child :)

This quickly turned into one of these 'division of chores' threads but I read it more that the husband feels he is stuck in a life rut and a bit bored of it. Not an insult to your life OP but sometimes that is how people often feel.
When you first met what were his interests? What did you do on dates? After you 'officially' became a couple did some of that gradually fade away. Then you had a child. Are trips out etc ALL about the child or do you do things that are sometimes his interest or your interest (either as a family or individually)?
I think he has just got stuck on the Sleep, Work, Eat, Sleep, Repeat cycle. Have you asked him what he would want to be doing in his non - working time?

He isn’t the only one feeling weary and flat because of lockdown.

But if empathy maybe? Talk to him about how you can work together to get through it all?

It is a drudge ‘getting buy’ with tuppence at the end of the month, not being able to socialise etc,

Why dies he sat in front of the TV? Why don’t you eat together?

He sounds fed up with being in a rut, you sound a bit martyrish.

If the solution to a previous dissatisfaction was ‘OK, you cook then!’, and the solution to him being in a rut of drudgery is ‘get a grip’ and he sulks alone, not a lot of team work is going on,

Ask him what he would like to do this weekend. Ask him how he would like his life to be. Not to pander to his very whim but just to see where he is coming from.

@Happy0 YANBU you are doing fine and yes you are still doing the lion’s share if the work whilst working. I suspect that if you were working full time, you still be doing as much as you are now. Which is nowhere near 50/50. Him cooking the evening meal is not such a big issue. I mean when both parents work full time, I can’t see thE d’issue with the man cooking dinner every night (unless this is also an issue to MNtters??)

Re your DH, I agree with you. If he is feeling down, is struggling because life is boring etc..it is up to him to do so. He has time, energy etc... to do so. It’s not your job to make him happy or to find things to occupy him in the evening/weekends.
I suspect he is now used to you organising everything, finding ideas etc... so that when he has to think for himself (like in the evenings) he is struggling to do so. I also sounded like he was somehow fishing for you to step in and organise stuff to do in the evenings tbh.

Why does the op need to get involved in the cooking?
Her dh wants to cook, perhaps he enjoys it.
The op has said she does the DIY do people think she needs her husband's input to do that.

I think he has just got stuck on the Sleep, Work, Eat, Sleep, Repeat cycle. Have you asked him what he would want to be doing in his non - working time?

@bookmum08, but why on earth does the OP have to ask him what he wants to do? Why does her DH not just take action and say ‘look Happy, I’m feeling a it down in the evenings so I have decided to start a hobby, I’d liKe to do A or B. I can do A at home in the evening. Do you want to join me?/Is that ok?/What will you do during that time?’

Why does it have to be about the woman asking the right questions to entice the man to make changes? Are they not independent and adult enough to so so on their own??

I’m afarid my compassion and patience is now very thin for that sort of behaviour and my answer would be ‘ok. So what are you going to do about it?’ I’ve had to ‘step up’ and cajole far too many times.

My way of looking at it is you both should ‘work’ the same hours. Housework is work. Shopping is work. Childcare is work. Etc Sitting in the couch eating a jaffa for 15mins while a child plays quietly isn’t working. That’s a tea break.

So basically from the moment he leaves til the moment he comes back you should be ‘working’.

And when the little one is down for a nap that’s your lunch break (presumably he gets one of those). Factor in a couple of tea breaks but the rest of the time to make it fair you should both be working.

So when the child is amusing herself it’s time to do some little jobs (hoovering, dishes, ironing only if it’s safe to do so) not read a magazine type of thing.

That way both of you have done equal shares. Same in the evening. When he’s doing chores you do chores.

As long as it’s fair nobody complains.

If he feels he’s working too much can he reduce his paid hours a bit and do more childcare, and you increase your paid work and do less childcare? It’s a balancing act I know.

I try to plan nice days out that don't cost a fortune so we can enjoy ourselves without the worry. Maybe cook a meal while he plans a day out? It just sounds like you get all the fun stuff, walking in the park with DD, planning fun stuff, working 20 hrs to his 37.5 and he has travel time on top of that. You might have worked out a balance on time but I don't think you have a balance on drudgery.

It's actually very easy to forget how exhausting caring for toddlers and preschoolers can be. My 2 DDs are 11 and 8 so it's some time since I looked after children that age. I really saw the difference when we had my DSis and her 3 DC to visit a couple of years ago, when her youngest was a toddler! We hadn't had to child proof the house for some time and I really saw the difference, eyes in the back of the head needed!

It doesn't sound as if the OP is lazy at all, just because her DH does the cooking and clearing up. I have a friend whose DH wanted to do all the cooking and he still does 25 years later.

It really sounds like the DH is just stuck in a rut, but it really isn't the OP's job to find answers for him.