Just given husband some home truths

[Happy0]

I've had a lovely day, our daughter is happy playing and my husband comes home from work moaning. He said he feels like he gets up, goes to work, comes home, makes dinner, clears up, watches TV while eating junk food then goes to bed. He's said this a few times before and I've always been supportive. Tonight, I said to him that he has plenty of time after dinner and maybe he should do something productive to feel better. He carried on moaning so I told him if he feels his life has no meaning that's his fault and to do something about it. He's now sulking. He said due to the lockdown he has nothing to look forward too and then had the cheek to ask what me and DD did this afternoon and when I said we went for a walk he replied is that all?!.
Am I BU for telling him to get a grip?

If he works full time and cooks every evening meal no wonder he is fed up. If you are a stay at home mum then probably helpful to cook a few evening meals and help with the washing up?

YABU

Totally unreasonable whilst he’s out working and you cavy even be asked to cook him a meal

It’s you that needs some home truths

Funny how when a woman complains she has to do all the cooking, meal planning, shopping and clearing up, and that it would be nice to be appreciated, the vast majority of votes states that she is not being unreasonable, that she deserves to moan for being taken for granted, that their husbands are shit for not trying to understand how they feel and being more sensitive to her feelings.

When it's the other way, he is supposed to act like a grown up, be self sufficient and independent and if not happy should enact changes himself without expecting his wife to be a shoulder to lean on.

The double standard never fails to rise up on these threads.

Classic competition situation as to who has it worse. Regardless of how you split the chores, I’d look at a plan of how to change the things that you can together. I think to basically tell him it’s his problem, is no support whatsoever. Is he still happy with the cooking arrangements? I totally get it, I’m a SAHM with 3 boys, 1 of which has ASD. My husband works rotating day shifts, so if he’s on early shift he’ll help with prepping dinner and bathing the kids and putting them to bed and on later shift he does the school run. Pretty much everything else that needs doing from car maintenance, DIY and gardening to absolutely all finance related arrangements and admin, I do. And I mean everything. There are more jobs than I would care to list. If we go out as a family I drive, I even fuel his car for him! He has high anxiety and this is why it has become this way. I’m ok with it in the most part, but I do say if I’m not. No marriage is perfect, but if things aren’t equal, it will start to grate. And I mean that from both directions.

Oh my - listen to yourselves. Perhaps reflect on why you are so furious that the OP doesn't do any cooking. Are you projecting? Aim your ire at your own DPs if you are saddled with all the cooking and don't like it.

If the Ops DH was unhappy cooking, he'd have said that. Clearly his moan was about not having anything interesting to do, or the inclination to do it, in his spare time. The OP could have handled it differently, or been more compassionate, but the fact her DH does the cooking was not the issue. It just seems to be the issue of loads of random women on MN.

YABU.

He's miserable because he misses normality and I think we can all relate
to that right now.

You both do your fair share and he means to you because you're supposed to have his back.

Let him have his whinge, go and tell him you're fed up too but you try not to think about it and you were cross because you're trying to focus on the positives to get you through.

He'll soon cheer up.

He works, comes home cooks the evening meal? You are taking the piss!

Most sexist thread ever! Why shouldn’t he come home and cook dinner?! OP has been looking after a small child all day, which is much more exhausting than most jobs. God reading this thread you’d think it was the 1950s. Presumably before he got himself a wife, he managed to work AND (shock horror) cook dinner?

@glennamy why exactly is that taking the piss?!
You do know some people both work full time and one of them at least has to cook when they get home? Is the other person taking the piss? If not why not? Remember the OP is not a SAHM

Surely you could prep and at least put the dinner on if you know what he’s planned? Have to say that there is nothing worse than coming in from work to find your other half sat on their arse watching the child and having to start dinner! And Pack up the car? WTF are you going that requires longer than 5 mins to load the car?? Sorry but I’m team hubby here!

I think the person who cooks shouldn't have to clear up. That just seems considerate. If you did the clearing up he could sit down to his dinner knowing his chores were done and enjoy the rest of the evening. And you can minimise your post dinner chores by clearing up while he is cooking, so it's two minutes to finish the kitchen after dinner.

I have to say OP that the minute you mentioned planning days out and packing the car I started to laugh a bit. It’s not something I would really be adding to a list of ‘chores because surely these are one offs?

My husband loves to moan when he comes in from work and really all he wants to hear is 'oh no poor you' and 'gosh how awful'. He doesnt really want any advice or response!

OP has been looking after a small child all day, which is much more exhausting than most jobs
And I would say that looking after 2 kids, let alone 1 only is much easier and fun than working. My experience of working with other FT mums, they all agree with me.

He carried on moaning so I told him if he feels his life has no meaning that's his fault and to do something about it
I wonder how OP felt if he said to her that she was right and he'd decided to do something about it and decided to go down to three days too and she's welcome to go back to 5 days herself.

I told him if he feels his life has no meaning that’s his fault and to do something about it

So DH is trying to talk to you about feeling fed up/down (sounds possibly depressed) and rather than want to help him you slag him off on MN and seem almost proud about telling him some ‘home truths’.
Nice.

I bet he feels so unwanted poor man, he goes to work and you can't make him a bit of dinner or clean up.

OP has been looking after a small child all day, which is much more exhausting than most jobs Well OP said she had a lovely day, doesn't sound like her husband had a lovely day. Surely how exhausting a job is depends on what it is, I mean a doctor doing a 13 hr shift on a Covid ward is probably pretty exhausted when he/she gets home, someone fruit picking for 10 hrs probably gets home with an aching back feeling pretty exhausted. Looking after one child? Not so much.

If you've felt strongly enough about this to post here then I'm assuming he's been getting a defensive/negative vibe when coming home which, in turn, generates resentment. A lot of people are feeling like caged animals, forget what day it is and can't plan anything outside their 4 walls. My husband and I know each others strengths and work as a team to keep our lives going. Hasn't always been this way but we learned the hard way that communication is vital. I think the bigger issue here is you've not asked him if he's struggling. You may need to sit down with him and ask him what's really going on.

He’s done it a few times, you gave him some home truths and then scuttled off to mumsnet to tell everyone. This sounds so unremarkable?! I mean this is marriage?! I mean by all means say something- perhaps with a little more empathy but then rushing off here for validation. It kind of feels incredibly childish on your part.

@1forsorrow yes you are right it depends on the job. I’m just so horrified at people on this thread acting like looking after their child is a holiday and doesn’t count as work. It’s classic sexism : work for pay= work, domestic labour and childcare = sitting on your arse all day doing nothing / entertaining yourself

@Billben

She’s been looking after a small child all day

As a mother/wife I find this excuse so pathetic 🙄

I'm furloughed at moment but manage to Cook a meal for me, hubby and DD every day whilst he is either out at work in his mums garage or if he is wfh (he is self employed) yes I have to resort to wiggles on tv for the hundreth millionth time but its what I have to do to cook the meal and its possible, I wouldn't dream if turning round and saying I can't cook as I cant leave her in the room where I can see her through the glass doors whilst I cooked and she watches wiggles, where there is a will there is a way!! I could do more round house but I might have a day off where I don't do it top to bottom as I'm tired from a shit night sleep with DD but ill do hoovering, washing, pots, cooking etc as I'm at home... Only thing I refuse to do is put my oh clothes away in wardrobe as he has never ever hung them up himself in the 6 years he has lived here and I just refuse 😂

Is that all? NO. Tell him you've done the laundry, the housework, the childcare and probably put the child through a bath and then bed. I'd love to be out of the house, back at work with adult interaction, a stimulating job and not tick-tock responsible for a small person. And now he's miserable? Boo fucking hoo. Sorry dude, grow a pair.

Actually, tell him to grow TWO. Covid is going on for a while and he'll likely need spare.

Bizawit "I’m just so horrified at people on this thread acting like looking after their child is a holiday and doesn’t count as work. It’s classic sexism : work for pay= work, domestic labour and childcare = sitting on your arse all day doing nothing / entertaining yourself"

Quite. In the real world, all were hearing lately is how parents are struggling to work from home whilst they have small children at home. It's almost as if small children demand ones time and energy.

Also, did everyone miss the bit where the OP says she also works out of the home and takes care of every other chore in the house other than the main meal?