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Original poster

Just given husband some home truths

305 replies

Happy0 · 04/06/2020 19:25

I've had a lovely day, our daughter is happy playing and my husband comes home from work moaning. He said he feels like he gets up, goes to work, comes home, makes dinner, clears up, watches TV while eating junk food then goes to bed. He's said this a few times before and I've always been supportive. Tonight, I said to him that he has plenty of time after dinner and maybe he should do something productive to feel better. He carried on moaning so I told him if he feels his life has no meaning that's his fault and to do something about it. He's now sulking. He said due to the lockdown he has nothing to look forward too and then had the cheek to ask what me and DD did this afternoon and when I said we went for a walk he replied is that all?!.
Am I BU for telling him to get a grip?

OP posts:
Bumpitybumper · 04/06/2020 23:18

@Thisismytimetoshine
You seriously did pack a tent
Sun shelter/tent whatever you want to call it. I wouldn't spend any length of time on a beach with young children in the kind of temperatures we've been seeing recently without one. They're extremely common where I live and most families use them Confused

BeingKindIsFree · 04/06/2020 23:22

@Thisismytimetoshine

What on earth needs to be packed into the car for a day out?! You don't exactly need camping equipment or suitcases if you're returning to sleep in your own bed. Don't people with small children have changing bags on the go the whole time?
Yes of course Hmm. People only ever go out for a day out where all they need is a changing bag.
MiddlesexGirl · 04/06/2020 23:23

I can't see the problem with dh cooking and clearing up after if op is doing all the other housework - laundry, cleaning, tidying up, plus all the other bits they mentioned. Seems a reasonable balance given the hours they both work.

I've been finding lockdown evenings a bit tedious. Nothing to do except watch TV initially. So I'm working on some hobbies now. I'd suggest your dh does the same.

BeingKindIsFree · 04/06/2020 23:23

@Colom

I remember when mine were tiny having to pack a bag was a pain in the arse. Making sure you have enough nappies/wipes/spare clothes. Make sure you've packed food and drinks incase you get stuck and end up with a hangry child. Remembering dummy's/blankets/favorites toys if needed to distract them.

It's not a major job but it's a task nonetheless. I would be running around getting it all together, getting the DC ready and trying to get on the road in time for naps etc. while my husband would be having a leisurely shit in the toilet and would only reappear when we were all ready and buckled in the car Hmm

It was definitely a job!

Yes to this. And I've seen men on here vilified for doing nothing whilst it's always the woman who does all of the above. Funny how it's completely irrelevant on this thread.
Sally872 · 04/06/2020 23:41

Does he want to cook the dinner and clean up as his jobs? If not you should take turns. Same with the other stuff (apart from anything one of you enjoys doing)

It would make sense at least some evenings for him to come in and play with dd rather than start making dinner.

CherrySpritz · 04/06/2020 23:46

In addition to packing the car for lovely days out do you also have to research family purchases on the internet and transfer all family photos on to the computer too?

WaterOffADucksCrack · 04/06/2020 23:56

Why on earth should OP have to cook him dinner?! She's been looking after a small child all day; she's not a maid. Because she's at home?! In our house whoever is at home with our 3 children does tea. Which is usually DP as he works 3 days but I do 5.

OP You've really squeezed a lot out of your jobs to make them look a lot more difficult and time consuming than they are!

sillysmiles · 05/06/2020 00:01

Is the bigger issue here not that he is utterly bored with his life? (Irrespective of who makes dinner) Shouldn't that be the focus? You are not responsible for fixing it, but you should be able to have a conversation with him about how he is feeling without making it about you.

AnneOfTeenFables · 05/06/2020 00:02

You hardly gave him some home truths. He was moaning. You were unsympathetic. He asked what you did all day. You gave one example that definitely didn't take all day so he asked what else.
Maybe lockdown is making you both fraught because this all seems like a storm in a teacup.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/06/2020 00:03

Also OP when resentment is embedded in a relationship it's hard to get rid of it.

Lockdownproblems · 05/06/2020 00:19

Hes at work, you are at home. He cant prepare a meal at his work..you can at home.

fabnot · 05/06/2020 00:45

At the moment I work 22 hours, DH 60, and this is near usual hours. I do all pick ups, food preparation (except Sunday, if he decides to cooks). I plan holidays, finances, food shopping. Do most bedtimes - we have 3 children. Cleaning, cooking, homeschooling, most etc. I took the kids for a walk earlier in the week and I received a phone call from DH about 6.50 asking where his tea was!! It was in the kitchen with foil over it. I am getting quite tired! I have tried to communicate how tired I am with everything but nothing changes. Are you communicating?

Rosebel · 05/06/2020 00:48

If he's cooking you should clear up or vice versa. Other cleaning jobs don't need to be done every day. Cooking and clearing up does. I get really annoyed when people say but she's looking after a small child all day. So what? By her own admission they were playing happily. It's not like she was,looking after a,small baby or grumpy toddler but even then you can still cook just make more.
Your husband works twice as many hours as you' (nearly) so you should do more at home. And be honest what are classing as DIY and how often do you do it?
However if he's bored he needs,to sort that out. It's definitely not up to you to find him a hobby. Also if he's not keen on the days out you plan then get him to plan some (obviously not that easy at the moment).

JudyCoolibar · 05/06/2020 01:31

OP has a job, does all the housework and childcare, and yet she should still cook dinner on top of that?

I don't think she suggests she does all the housework and childcare. Her husband clears up after dinner and does food shopping, and she says weekends are shared. It doesn't seem unreasonable for her to cook dinner sometimes or clear up afterwards.

marmalade86 · 05/06/2020 01:37

@Happy0 - it seems you are getting a bit of a hard time here OP! I think it is reasonable and human to feel frustrated in your situation. There is a lot of focus on the division of labour in this thread and I am not sure if this was actually the issue, although maybe it is? It sounds like you do a lot of lovely things to support the family, and he also seems to be contributing a lot too.

The issue seems more relating to his complaining about being bored and in a repetitive cycle. This is very understandable given the current situation. Perhaps the issue is more about communication. It seems that you tried to offer input and telling him to "get a grip," but maybe he just wanted to tell you how he was feeling and have you just listen? He actually sounds fairly distressed to be saying "his life has no meaning". He might also be feeling a bit misunderstood, sad and probably annoyed (you mentioned he was sulking) if you are trying to direct him rather than listening. This could explain his "is that all?" response. I am not suggesting this was an appropriate response from him - but offer a reason as to why it might have happened.

If you ask him what he is thinking, reflect back and emphasise he will hopefully feel heard and understood. You might be able to get to the bottom of his frustrated state and come up with a practical solution to improve things in the future.

Flittingabout · 05/06/2020 01:50

you should be able to have a conversation with him about how he is feeling without making it about you

^ I agree. Irrespective of the issue of cooking and your uneven distribution of chores, this man is telling his partner about his feelings and is being thoroughly dismissed and invalidated. It doesn't sound like you are much of a friend to him.

Cheeseandwin5 · 05/06/2020 02:41

My major point here is who is cooking the evening meal for you?
I assume you do, so why not make more so he can come home and eat.
Sorry you sound completely selfish and no wonder he is pissed.
how about planning days out for all of you and not just for you and your DD?
Those saying that he should be making dinner , are missing the point, surely this is about sharing the workload. He has come home from work , cook eat and than clean up. What options do you think he has by the time this is all done, It would be close to 9 and maybe the DD bedtime if not later.
Having dinner ready so he can relax and have quality time with his DD is not a woman being submissive, its a partner being there for their partner and making the relationships within the whole family stronger. She could have some me time too whilst he is doing this.
It seems to me that the OP is trying to make a barrier with her and her DD on one side and her DH on the other. This may make her happy but it will be her DD who suffers.

managedmis · 05/06/2020 02:57

It took me over an hour to prepare for a day at the beach recently as we needed:
Swimsuits, sunhats and suncream
Packed lunches and drinks plus snacks (children's packed lunches take longer to prepare as need to cut up grapes etc)
Towels
Sand toys
Tent to pitch on beach to provide shade
Change bag

^

Just stay home! Stay safe!

roombadoyourthing · 05/06/2020 03:05

Christ why shouldn't he cook dinner or clear up?! Op works too, does the housework and looks after a small child. God forbid he'd make food when not at work.

OldWomanSaysThis · 05/06/2020 03:08

I don't think this is about chores. This is the beginning of a mid-life crises. He's vulnerable to having his head turned and because he is so low now, it will be the best thing ever in his other-wise boring predictable life. It will lite him up.

3cats · 05/06/2020 03:15

From reading your second post, it sounds like a fair split to me.

I don't know what is going on with him, but it's not a problem you can fix. I suspect the problem is deeper than just being about cooking though. Is he unhappy with his job or something else is bothering him?

Also, MNers can be a bit Stepford wives about women cooking and cleaning. I think your first post made it sound like you spend all day playing with your kid while your husband works, does all the housework and all the cooking. Obviously that isn't the actual case.

Yankathebear · 05/06/2020 04:10

What does he want to do with his life?

(BTW my dh does all of the cooking in our house).

Casino218 · 05/06/2020 05:02

So you are doing all the nice stuff and he's working full time and doing the shit stuff. No wonder he's moaning. In truth op are you a bit lazy?

GlummyMcGlummerson · 05/06/2020 05:08

Really not quite sure why OP has had such a hard time. A woman who doesn't cook - pass the smelling salts Hmm

This is one of the reasons I left my exH. Always moaning every day about how boring life is, how he has nothing to look forward to, but would do sweet FA about it. It was like a life with me and the kids wasn't good enough for him and he deserved better. He's still done fuck all about it - tight bastard won't even book a holiday. But somehow the world owes him a wonderful daily adventure, hmmm

TheMistressQuickly · 05/06/2020 05:12

If his highlight has been you making some scones for VE Day and inviting some neighbours into your garden then I can see his point. I’d be climbing the walls...

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