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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship advice needed - AIBU

288 replies

Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:37

Hi all.
I'm a 30 year old women and I am in a relationship with a 30 year old man. We have been in a relationship for 11 months.
He has said he wants to take it slow (which I respect) so hasnt met my DD or any of my family, and I havent met his parents who he lives with.
During lockdown we havent seen each other obviously.
My issue is he is always too busy, too busy for a phone call, too busy to text during the day, his weekends are too busy.. I get around 20 minutes to text him from when he gets in bed till he goes to sleep and he wont reply any other time of the day.

Usually he lives a busy life anyway with work but I usually get to see him 2 evenings a week.

We spoke the other night and he informed me that after this is over, for the foreseeable, we wont be able to spend any weekends together as he has to do some diy for his parents.

Am I being unreasonable wanting more? It's been nearly a year of this and the last few months of lockdown has shown me I cant be as much of a priority to him as he is to me as if I was, surely he would make time to text back/call back etc.

AIBU just expecting a bit more commitment? A bit more of his time/attention because I honestly dont know. Before this I have only been in one other relationship. DD's father which lasted 15 years.

OP posts:
Bathbedandbeyond · 04/06/2020 15:38

He’s using you OP, you’re a convenience to him - bin him and find someone better Flowers

Ponoka7 · 04/06/2020 15:39

I'd say that you are one of many.

If you don't want just an occasional fuck buddy, then end it. It's that simple.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 04/06/2020 15:40

It sounds like he is either in a relationship with someone else, or, avoidant.

Its not working for you so think about bailing before theres another year wasted, when you could be buiding a relationship with someone on the same page.

DrManhattan · 04/06/2020 15:41

Know your worth.

CharmerLlama · 04/06/2020 15:42

YANBU OP. This man is giving you hardly any attention and a 20 min timeframe to text is just ridiculous. It sounds as though this 'relationship' is being run completely on his terms. I can't imagine how it would work out if you lived together as he'd be too busy to help with housework, too busy to parent any children etc. The fact he's already saying no weekends together after lockdown so he can do DIY for his parents sounds off too.

Get rid and find yourself a man who has time for you. This is not a man who will make you happy.

FOJN · 04/06/2020 15:42

If he's too busy to text or speak to you regularly then he's too busy for a relationship. I think you are right that you are not a priority for him so I'd stop thinking about whether you are being unreasonable and get rid of him. His lack of enthusiasm will erode your confidence and self esteem.

Igtg · 04/06/2020 15:42

What is he so busy doing?

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:43

The reason i feel like this now is I know work has apparently been stressful so I sent him a card (one of those boomf cards that kind of pop with confetti) it was delivered on Monday.. as of last night he hasnt opened it yet, will get round to it soon. If somebody had gone out of their way to get me something to make me smile, of course I would open it 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
CuppaZa · 04/06/2020 15:44

The set up sounds suspicious to me. Call me crazy...but i get vibes he’s already attached to someone else

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:45

Too busy doing everything.
Too busy before work in the morning as he goes for a morning stroll with his parents.
Too busy during work because he has a very busy job.
Too busy during lunch as he spends it with his parents.
Too busy after work because that's tea time, tv time and time with his parents.
Once he goes to bed I can text until he says its sleep time.

Thats what hes told me he is busy doing

OP posts:
Euclid · 04/06/2020 15:45

I would get rid of him too. You are not a priority for him. If you were, he would be really looking forward to seeing you after lockdown, not doing DIY for his parents instead.

highmarkingsnowbile · 04/06/2020 15:45

He's just not that into you. Please listen to him and move on. And personally, I think getting a man involved in your daughter's life that early on is a bad idea.

raspberryk · 04/06/2020 15:46

Listen to what he's feeling you with his actions. You aren't his priority.
You're probably not his only partner, I'd suspect he lives with a long-term partner, or had multiple girlfriends.
It's not unreasonable to expect more from a relationship if a year if it was a serious relationship.
I think it's fairly normal to have not introduced your daughter at this stage.
I would personally dump him and start dating other people after lockdown.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:46

I thought that @CuppaZa but I have been to his house previously when his parents have been away, and I know the address and might have done some googling regarding who lives there/owns it (its certainly just him and his parents)

OP posts:
raspberryk · 04/06/2020 15:46

Showing not feeling

DontTouchTheMoustache · 04/06/2020 15:47

OP it's not worth your time, it actually sounds like he is married tbh I'd be running fast in the other direction

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:47

I agree I wouldnt have introduced him to my DD at this stage, I just wanted to explain that we havent met each others families as of yet

OP posts:
Livpool · 04/06/2020 15:48

You sound like a human bedtime story to him. Dump and move on

raspberryk · 04/06/2020 15:49

I'd also personally be setting the bar a lot higher than a 30yo who still lives at home.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:49

@Livpool I feel like one

OP posts:
Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:50

@raspberryk - I didnt actually know he did live at home until around 6 months in

OP posts:
TriciaH · 04/06/2020 15:50

So his been doing what during lock down? Most people would have been doing their DIY during this time unless they are key workers. A year is a long time not to meet your child and family. Have you met his parents? Sounds to me if not like his not living at home but with hus partner. Only seeing him 2 nights a week makes me think their nights he says his off to the pub or something.

Eyre40 · 04/06/2020 15:51

It sounds like he's just stringing you along so that he can use you when he feels like it. i'd say he's in lockdown with someone else so that's why he can not text or ring you. I would say the 20 mins texting is probably when that person is asleep or away from him.
Don't stay attached to him, find someone who makes you happy and gives you the time you deserve.

BigBoosh · 04/06/2020 15:51

He's not that into you.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:52

He has been WFH monday to friday and weekends he apparently does DIY but the DIY he is doing will apparently take years to complete 🤷‍♀️ he is restoring a house his parents bought that needs alot of work

OP posts: