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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship advice needed - AIBU

288 replies

Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:37

Hi all.
I'm a 30 year old women and I am in a relationship with a 30 year old man. We have been in a relationship for 11 months.
He has said he wants to take it slow (which I respect) so hasnt met my DD or any of my family, and I havent met his parents who he lives with.
During lockdown we havent seen each other obviously.
My issue is he is always too busy, too busy for a phone call, too busy to text during the day, his weekends are too busy.. I get around 20 minutes to text him from when he gets in bed till he goes to sleep and he wont reply any other time of the day.

Usually he lives a busy life anyway with work but I usually get to see him 2 evenings a week.

We spoke the other night and he informed me that after this is over, for the foreseeable, we wont be able to spend any weekends together as he has to do some diy for his parents.

Am I being unreasonable wanting more? It's been nearly a year of this and the last few months of lockdown has shown me I cant be as much of a priority to him as he is to me as if I was, surely he would make time to text back/call back etc.

AIBU just expecting a bit more commitment? A bit more of his time/attention because I honestly dont know. Before this I have only been in one other relationship. DD's father which lasted 15 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 19:47

I have a reply.. he said..

Hey baby, I really dont understand why all of a sudden it's such a big deal - you know I have a difficult job, you know its busy. I work to tight deadlines. By telling you im busy I'm prewarning you so your not disappointed when I dont reply. I am busy after work because I need to spend time with my parents. I dont see them during the day when I'm working so it's only fair I see them. I cant give you all the time in the world and your not being fair baby. Are you due on or something? because this isnt like you at all - I'm still working, going to be having tea soonish then some relax time, having an early night tonight so I'll call you tomorrow. Just think things through. I love you xxxx

Still not sure why he cant call tonight.. what do I do now?

OP posts:
Ohtherewearethen · 04/06/2020 19:48

I know it's not easy but try to see this as a line drawn under it. His reply (or lack of, actually) is not even relevant. You've made your decision and he can't change that. It really doesn't matter that he hasn't responded. It just confirms what you already knew. I hope you're alright. Better things will come.

Bunnymumy · 04/06/2020 19:50

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Theres so much wrong with that response I wouldn't know where to begin.

I dont think it even warrants a reply.
Block and delete the creep.
He is beyond taking the piss.

Bunnymumy · 04/06/2020 19:52

And he cant call you because he doesnt want to.
He likes you not knowing where you stand. He doesnt want you to be able to go to bed and sleep peaceful. It's all about control.

Take away his control and ditch the misogynist creep.

Ohtherewearethen · 04/06/2020 19:52

Sorry, I posted before seeing his reply. Don't reply. Ever. Don't pick up the phone to him. He's blaming you for not accepting that he's a shit boyfriend. He's just admitted he expects you to be treated like shit by him. He still can't be bothered to call you. And he needs to see his parents? Odd! Sure he doesn't mean someone else?

custardcat85 · 04/06/2020 19:53

He is prioritising every single part of his life, even his 'early night', over you. If you didn't know before he replied - you are the last thing on his list. You deserve better. Dump him and move on.

Ginfordinner · 04/06/2020 19:53

Ignore and block. He is 30 and still lives at home. His parents are more important to him than you are. Everything else is more important to him than you are.

Tell him you are done with being his last resort. He is just keeping you on the back burner. You need to move on.

BigBoosh · 04/06/2020 19:54

Take it from a man he does not give two shits about you. When you are really in love then that person is the first and last person on your mind. He should be texting all day.

I ended a short enough relationship recently because I didn't feel like making time for her and thats wrong.

Mycatsmellsbad · 04/06/2020 19:54

Easy, you do nothing.

‘Baby’, ‘are you due on’ urgh fuck off.

He can’t even give call you about it now - he gets off on knowing you’re available for him 24/7.

Please, please ignore him.

Nanny0gg · 04/06/2020 19:54

Thay reply was vomit inducing.

Please dont fall for it.

ellendegeneres · 04/06/2020 19:55

You sure you’re not due on?? What the fuck! I’d 🖕🏻 And block him for that alone the gaslighting dickhead

custardcat85 · 04/06/2020 19:55

Also....why can't a phonecall to you be part of his relax time?! Very odd.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 19:56

I've not replied. I dont plan to. I'll hear him out tomorrow but my decision is final.
Are you due on or something? Seriously, he thinks I've come to this decision lightly because I'm due on? Which, had he have actually ever listened to me - he would know I dont have periods

OP posts:
MummBraTheEverLeaking · 04/06/2020 19:56

WTF? Because you're not sooo grateful for the tiny scraps of my time you must be on your period?!? Block block block.

Ladyks · 04/06/2020 19:57

Voted YABU for putting up with him this long. You deserve better Flowers

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/06/2020 19:59

You don’t have a relationship with this person. He’s treating you like an app for takeaways. He just texts when he feels like some sex.
It’s not a lack of commitment, it’s the complete absence of anything resembling a relationship. You’d be better off as a sex worker and charging him for each “takeaway” he orders.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 20:00

He just messaged again.

"Just because I'm not in constant communication with you doesnt mean I love you less or care less. It's just the way I am, you have to understand that - anyway, tea time - steak and potatoes, delicious - speak tomorrow baby, love you xxxxxxx

I ignored the last one.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 04/06/2020 20:01

Screw hearing him out, he is a right prat. Sack him off. All you'll hear if you call him is how you are the one with the issues for not taking his shit like a doormat. You'll end the call feeling dejected and with your self esteem in tatters. Dont give him that opportunity to make you out to be the bad one.

Text dumping was made for assholes like him. As was the block feature. And legs...for running far, far away.

Mycatsmellsbad · 04/06/2020 20:02

There’s a difference between constant communication and....communication.

He gets worse. Hope he chokes on his steak.

Blanca87 · 04/06/2020 20:06

Please don't speak to him, there is genuinely nothing to say. Just block, please for your dignity if nothing else.

Ginfordinner · 04/06/2020 20:13

Keep your dignity and block him on every channel. There is nothing more to be said. The arrogance that comes across in his messages is astounding. He just assumes you will be at his beck and call.

Be strong, and block.

Velvian · 04/06/2020 20:13

Just block his number now. He's a patronising creep. "Baby" shudder Hmm

lachy · 04/06/2020 20:16

Bollocks to him.

His responses are all about him. And quite honestly I would dump him for being so crass as to throw "are you due on or something?" back at you.

He's not worth any more head space.

Badtasteflump · 04/06/2020 20:18

OP I've only just seen this thread but was so glad to get to the end and see you've binned him. His responses to your message are unbelievable btw - he sounds like he's mummy & daddy's little Prince who has grown into a misogynistic, selfish prick. You can do so much better. And don't let the memories of him being nice for the first few months sway you - anybody, no matter how much of an arse they are, can be nice for a few months - it means nothing. It's if they are still nice years down the road that matters 🍰🍷

Bunnymumy · 04/06/2020 20:22

He probably calls you baby because he is talking to like six other women and doesnt want to mix up all the names. Thet all have allocated time slots so he cant just call you because he is such a player that that is what takes up all his time.