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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relationship advice needed - AIBU

288 replies

Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:37

Hi all.
I'm a 30 year old women and I am in a relationship with a 30 year old man. We have been in a relationship for 11 months.
He has said he wants to take it slow (which I respect) so hasnt met my DD or any of my family, and I havent met his parents who he lives with.
During lockdown we havent seen each other obviously.
My issue is he is always too busy, too busy for a phone call, too busy to text during the day, his weekends are too busy.. I get around 20 minutes to text him from when he gets in bed till he goes to sleep and he wont reply any other time of the day.

Usually he lives a busy life anyway with work but I usually get to see him 2 evenings a week.

We spoke the other night and he informed me that after this is over, for the foreseeable, we wont be able to spend any weekends together as he has to do some diy for his parents.

Am I being unreasonable wanting more? It's been nearly a year of this and the last few months of lockdown has shown me I cant be as much of a priority to him as he is to me as if I was, surely he would make time to text back/call back etc.

AIBU just expecting a bit more commitment? A bit more of his time/attention because I honestly dont know. Before this I have only been in one other relationship. DD's father which lasted 15 years.

OP posts:

iano · 04/06/2020 18:15

Op you don't have to speak to him! You've tried your best.
Just text and block. What a wanker! He doesn't love you. You'd already said you need to talk. What if you were ill/suffered a bereavement/needed help? He'd call you 2 days later. Just weird!

dottiedodah · 04/06/2020 18:16

Without wishing to hurt your feelings ,I think he has lost interest in you Im afraid .Yes the early days were great ,but now he is "busy" with other things and has lost interest in your relationship.I expect you feel hurt and are maybe a little lonely ,waiting for the phone to ring with a glass of wine and your make up on. As others have said here you need to call time on this "relationship"! which really seems to consist of waiting around until he is "free".All on his terms it seems .Maybe say to him that you are ending it as its not working for you .If he seems upset or comes back then you will have to decide if its worth another go .if not look around for someone new .

Ohtherewearethen · 04/06/2020 18:19

He's doing everything he can go show you he's not interested in your relationship. It sounds like he'd rather spend his time with his parents than you - do they have some kind of hold over him? Do they even know about you, is he hiding your relationship? Everyone has a couple of minutes in the day to text their loved ones. When he brushes his teeth or even on the loo. To not have opened the card is a definite 'you're just not important' message. Don't invest any more into this and keep waiting for things to get better - they won't. Even if he wants it to afterwards, could you really forgive him for making you feel so unimportant and insecure? I don't think I'd even bother telling him to be honest. See how long it takes him to get in touch with you. Sorry lovely, it's horrid but he's not treating you well at all and will end up making you feel like utter shit.

granadagirl · 04/06/2020 18:21

I wouldn’t even talk to him, he can’t be bothered to talk to you

I’d text him
Been thinking seeing you haven’t any time for me, as your always busy to give me any of your time and when you do it’s way past my bedtime.
I’ve decided to take the lead to finish this one way relationship. I don’t take well to being ignored, nor do I deserve to be.

The difference between you & I is I probably care more about you than you me.

Hope you & your parents have a nice relationship together

nevernotstruggling · 04/06/2020 18:22

He's awful. Are you ok op?

Original poster

Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 18:27

I'll be ok. I feel a bit shit but it's to be expected.
It was the first time I had felt safe enough to be in a relationship. things didn't end will with my ex - it took me 4 years to put myself back out there and I I obviously am a terrible judge of character. I'll be ok, onwards and upwards

OP posts:

Bumble84 · 04/06/2020 18:28

What kind of 30 year old man would rather sit and watch tv with his parents every night than carve out some time for his partner??

I also suspect either marriage or other partner. It sounds like you want to call him to dump him and for him to suddenly change or come up with promises of change, it ain’t gonna happen. I would expect better treatment than this from a colleague never mind a partner!

nevernotstruggling · 04/06/2020 18:30

Oh sweetheart don't be too hard on yourself. It was a starter relationship. He didn't meet your dd or anything.

I ended an abusive marriage 8 years ago. I also found allowing relationships at all very hard. I've read the analogy lots on here that just because you got rid of a level 10 bastard, don't put up with a level 8.

startpraying · 04/06/2020 18:33

He probably doesn't even live with his parents he probably lives with his wife n kids at his family home. Probably took you to his parents house when they were away on holiday.

Ginfordinner · 04/06/2020 18:37

You don't "need to talk". Just message him and tell him it is over. Then block.

He will have realised that your "need to talk" means that you are ending it anyway. Or just block him without messaging him.

MashedSpud · 04/06/2020 18:38

Either he’s Timothy Lumsden and terrified of his mother in which case I’d dump him

He took you his parents home (when they weren’t there....convenient) and he’s actually living somewhere else with a woman and maybe kids.

He’s 30. I could understand if he was 16 and didn’t want his parents or siblings to know but he’s a grown man.

Did you google that address and it lists his name alongside his parents names on that 192 thing?

This stinks of him being married.

Washyourhands48 · 04/06/2020 18:39

Aw I am so sorry OP. This is shit. I’ve had one a bit like that which I eventually dumped. Message me if you want to talk.

Original poster

Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 18:43

I did Google search him and checked the registry and he is listed as living there/being able to vote from there. I just dont get it. His parents are aware of me also as I sent his mum some flowers a few months ago when she wasnt very well.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 04/06/2020 18:45

I'd text him and say "I would
have preferred to talk, but as you're too busy, I need to let you know this relationship isn't working for me and I'm ending it. Wish you all the best for the future."

Then block him.

He's an idiot and there's no future with him.

Or...... alternatively you could let him know you're jam packed with things and lots going on, but you'll be able to slot him in around September 2022.

easterbrook · 04/06/2020 18:47

You don't need to talk to him, just send him a text saying you have decided that the relationship isn't working for you and it is over.

That's all you need to say.

HyacynthBucket · 04/06/2020 18:48

You can do a lot better than this. Raise you sights for when lockdown is over. Hoping you find someone who can really connect with you in a whole hearted and loving way OP.

Saltycinnamon · 04/06/2020 18:50

He sounds awful. Agree with others, just message him & move on. You deserve a million times more than this.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2020 18:51

I will just leave this here op, but stop begging this man for scraps. Have more dignity and end it,

Flibbitygibbit · 04/06/2020 18:57

Oh op.... don't even text him. Just ghost him and I'd never do that but definitely in this case. Doesn't matter why he is sooooooo busy, he's too busy for you and that will never change.

There's plenty more fish in the sea.

Ohtherewearethen · 04/06/2020 19:06

The 'I love you' response to ignoring your call and your text about needing to talk is a classic way of making you doubt yourself and keeping you hanging, hoping he means it. You do not treat someone you love with such nonchalance. What if you needing to talk was because you've had a terrible day/experience, you're in a dreadful fix, something's happened to a loved one, you desperately need a kind ear...? He literally can't be bothered but thinks an 'I love you' gets him off the hook. What a turd. If you had a friend who did all this to you surely you'd just let things fizzle out? No drama or showdown, you just wouldn't bother with them any more

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/06/2020 19:25

Dear god he’s treating you like you’re nothing. Please stay strong enough to end it. Don’t go the route of sort of half threatening to end it but actually beg him for reassurance.

Original poster

Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 19:32

Sorry for the late reply, I finished work and then was making tea for my DD.
I messaged him one of the suggested texts from above. He has read it. Not responded yet.

OP posts:

edwinbear · 04/06/2020 19:34

Well done OP.

Original poster

Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 19:36

I needed to be sure I wasnt being unreasonably needy. Thank you all for your help and advice. I appreciate it

OP posts:

Ginfordinner · 04/06/2020 19:42

Well done

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