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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship advice needed - AIBU

288 replies

Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:37

Hi all.
I'm a 30 year old women and I am in a relationship with a 30 year old man. We have been in a relationship for 11 months.
He has said he wants to take it slow (which I respect) so hasnt met my DD or any of my family, and I havent met his parents who he lives with.
During lockdown we havent seen each other obviously.
My issue is he is always too busy, too busy for a phone call, too busy to text during the day, his weekends are too busy.. I get around 20 minutes to text him from when he gets in bed till he goes to sleep and he wont reply any other time of the day.

Usually he lives a busy life anyway with work but I usually get to see him 2 evenings a week.

We spoke the other night and he informed me that after this is over, for the foreseeable, we wont be able to spend any weekends together as he has to do some diy for his parents.

Am I being unreasonable wanting more? It's been nearly a year of this and the last few months of lockdown has shown me I cant be as much of a priority to him as he is to me as if I was, surely he would make time to text back/call back etc.

AIBU just expecting a bit more commitment? A bit more of his time/attention because I honestly dont know. Before this I have only been in one other relationship. DD's father which lasted 15 years.

OP posts:
Igtg · 04/06/2020 20:22

So he’s still not going to call you tonight even though you have tried to dump him. His replies about his parents, the delicious steak and an early night are almost laughable.

WelcomeToTheMountaintop · 04/06/2020 20:29

I would have preferred to talk, but as you're too busy, I need to let you know this relationship isn't working for me and I'm ending it. Wish you all the best for the future.

I think this is perfect. Don’t hear him out. It will be utter tripe. Text, block, bin.

Bunnymumy · 04/06/2020 20:30

^^ agreed.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 04/06/2020 20:31

God, just read all of this, but definitely block and never speak to him again.

All this “baby” and going on about his parents - what 30yo wants to spend ever minute with his parents? And that steak and potatoes crap.

Definitely get rid and find someone better - or just enjoy being on your own and knowing that you have self respect!

DoIneed1 · 04/06/2020 20:32

You sound lovely, Op, he sounds like an arsw.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 20:35

Thank you, I appreciate you saying that. Onwards and upwards. Hopefully next time I wont pick an arse

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 04/06/2020 20:38

My lovely French DH thinks you should leave this one well alone. 30 and still at home is should be warning enough. You'll never have the place you deserve. It's full with mummy and daddy.

CandyLeBonBon · 04/06/2020 20:48

Omg OP I nearly vomited at his reply. My ex use to use very similar wording. It's all bullshit!

alittlerespectgoesalongway · 04/06/2020 20:49

You're not unreasonable to want more but clearly he won't/ can't give more and I think that makes you incompatible and means this relationship will not make you happy.

GenevaL · 04/06/2020 20:55

Those messages he sent you are absolutely appalling. Who gets dumped for not communicating enough and STILL doesn’t call? He sounds pathetic. In his thirties and wants a walk every morning with his parents and to spend time every evening with them too?!

nevernotstruggling · 04/06/2020 21:00

Oh heavens the stare of him! He's so immature. Op you are well shot. You will feel the weight lift I promise x

MashedSpud · 04/06/2020 21:03

Not only is he a wet lettuce he's refusing to accept there's an issue, saying you have to accept it and blaming pmt is bad enough but he knows you don't have periods.

Priceless.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 21:05

We had a full hour long conversation around 8/9 months ago because I have a blood clotting condition so take 3 tablets a day to ensure I dont have periods. He questioned why I took them, so I explained.. then blames periods

OP posts:
edwinbear · 04/06/2020 21:10

Any 30 yr old who feels the need to spend every spare minute he has with mummy and daddy is not grown up enough to have proper, grown up relationship. Well rid. What a complete knob. He doesn’t even care enough to call you back when you dump him. What a loser. Stay strong OP.

Bumble84 · 04/06/2020 21:18

Don’t beat yourself up for ‘picking badly’ everyone can be sucked in when a person portrays all good qualities at the beginning. It’s easier to see red flags from the outside looking in but sometimes it’s almost impossible when you’re in it. We’ve all been guilty of giving someone too many chances I’m sure!

nevernotstruggling · 04/06/2020 21:18

I can imagine him complaining to his next victim that his ex was too high maintenance. He's that guy.

DamnYouAutoCabbage · 04/06/2020 21:20

@Unreasonable2 oh lovely, having RTFT a few things stickout:

His lack of communication is either laziness or lack of caring.

Why do You have to understand that this is how he is, but HE doesn't have understand any of your needs?

What are you genuinely getting out of this? Not what was, not what you hope it to be.. What is this relationship giving you? Please don't be swayed.

feliciabirthgiver · 04/06/2020 21:24

OP you have handled this brilliantly, I'm sorry you are going through this as I know it feels shit.

You deserve and will have someone so much better than this cock womble Thanks

thenamesarealltaken · 04/06/2020 21:26

You're not being unreasonable.
You're feeling rejected and that's a red flag on your relationship already. Stop initiating comm's, leave him to it and see what happens. Be brave, respect yourself, value yourself and don't panic - just try backing off. If he's not interested, you'll soon find out. You won't know otherwise. If you find out he's not pushing for anything more, you'll stop wasting your emotional energy on him, hopefully, or at least expect less and be ok with it. Otherwise, he'll put more effort in. Sorry, I know it's hard. Distract yourself massively and get the truth, not by talk, but by his actions .

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 21:36

I have lots of work on at the moment which will keep me busy fortunately. Just need to keep my mind off him xx

OP posts:
thenamesarealltaken · 04/06/2020 21:38

OP, read all of your thread. I'm not an over-reactor and I've been there a few times myself. I know how hard it is and even I don't take my own advice. Ut, please try to back right off. Keep your dignity. The guy cannot be arsed. Please do not think of this as your failing or you not being good enough, etc. You sound great. You're doing your best to not give him grief. But love does not leave you feeling unwanted and rejected. It doesn't! You get to feel wanted and great. He's unable to offer that to you. He's failing at this not you. You don't want years of this. It's so destructive and rejection is so painful. He's offering you pain.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 21:41

@thenamesarealltaken you're right, thank you for your message. I was genuinely sat here blaming myself and wondering why I'm not good enough, I try to be but I was asking myself that as I read your message so thank you xx

OP posts:
Maestro7 · 04/06/2020 21:45

Jesus Christ that man is unbelievable. Well done op for getting rid of him. Please please block him and move on. Are you due on and you have to understand that’s the way I am. Vomit!! You’ve had a lucky escape. Onwards and upwards.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 21:52

Decided to have a mid week glass of wine.. I've decided I deserve it! Xx

OP posts:
Sharpandshineyteeth · 04/06/2020 21:54

Bloody hell!! He’s a horrible human being. I also think he has a few on the go. He was so lovely and nice in the beginning as he wanted to sleep with you. Now that’s off the cards due to lockdown he can’t be arsed.

Ask yourself could you have “relax time” knowing that your partner wanted to end the relationship and you loved them.

Please don’t hear him out. His actions speak louder than whatever he’s going to say. Send that text above about it not working for you.

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