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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship advice needed - AIBU

288 replies

Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:37

Hi all.
I'm a 30 year old women and I am in a relationship with a 30 year old man. We have been in a relationship for 11 months.
He has said he wants to take it slow (which I respect) so hasnt met my DD or any of my family, and I havent met his parents who he lives with.
During lockdown we havent seen each other obviously.
My issue is he is always too busy, too busy for a phone call, too busy to text during the day, his weekends are too busy.. I get around 20 minutes to text him from when he gets in bed till he goes to sleep and he wont reply any other time of the day.

Usually he lives a busy life anyway with work but I usually get to see him 2 evenings a week.

We spoke the other night and he informed me that after this is over, for the foreseeable, we wont be able to spend any weekends together as he has to do some diy for his parents.

Am I being unreasonable wanting more? It's been nearly a year of this and the last few months of lockdown has shown me I cant be as much of a priority to him as he is to me as if I was, surely he would make time to text back/call back etc.

AIBU just expecting a bit more commitment? A bit more of his time/attention because I honestly dont know. Before this I have only been in one other relationship. DD's father which lasted 15 years.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 06/06/2020 19:48

He clearly couldn’t care less about you.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 06/06/2020 22:10

Your completely right. He couldn't care less. Thats how it seems

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 06/06/2020 22:29

Best bit of advice I got
Look at your daughter - would you be happy for a man to treat her how you are being treated?

Apple222 · 06/06/2020 22:35

Please remember that this is not a reflection on you or your value. This is a (massive) character flaw on his part and has nothing at all to do with the person you are. He will continue to behave like this throughout his life...it is the way he is. Men like this put minimum effort into everyone. They are users and do not understand reciprocation. This is not your fault. I could pretty much guarantee he will offer the bare minimum to everyone...including his parents...while portraying that he is some kind of ‘all-round good guy’.

Don’t waste another moment of your time. You are well shot of him.

TheLadyAnneNeville · 06/06/2020 22:40

Is he married or living a double life?

CherrySpritz · 06/06/2020 22:57

You’re well rid of this bizarre person. Remember how much Norman Bates loved his mummy? 😱

TheTrollFairy · 06/06/2020 23:16

You did the right thing OP. You are definitely worth more and it’s great that you are taking back control.
You deserve someone who will put you first (not every time but at least some of the time). This guy has literally spent weeks with his parents and he can’t make time to speak to you each day and says that he can’t spend a weekend with you after lockdown. What an idiot he is!

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 06/06/2020 23:44

So guys.. I just got a call.. on my landline which was strange. I have been asking for his time for months and he chooses to give it when it is too late!
I had mentioned that for all I know he is living a double life.. I knew he didnt have a wife and children when we worked together but in 1.5 alot can happen.. so he chose to call me from his house phone. In the room with his parents. It was quite awkward saying it's too little too late when I knew they was listening in. I managed it..

That's the strange thing @Apple222 is he does everything for his parents. Literally everything. Cooks, cleans, he is restoring their house, morning walks with them, evenings watching tv with them.. literally everything. I understand parents are important but I wouldnt want to spend that much time with my mum - I love her but its just too much?

OP posts:
Sittingontheveranda · 07/06/2020 00:16

Unreasonable2 Now fo you know his parents were listening to his conversation? They could be in bed, engrossed with tv, whatever.
Tbh if he is that involved with his parents, even if he did actually start dating you, you would be dating all three of them. Three against one whenever a decision or opinion was needed. A long term relationship could never sustain that. Think about that.

He sounds immature, selfish and egotistical. He is ‘chasing’ you now you have rightly told him to get lost. He is still the same man who refused to open your confetti card recently. For no reason other than he didn’t want or care about you enough.

Sittingontheveranda · 07/06/2020 00:17

That beginning of the above post should read - How do you..

redwinefine · 07/06/2020 00:53

OP, you've made the right decision. Those messages from him were absolutely cringe. And for all he says that he lives with parents, unless you meet them in the house, you don't know. A friend of mine was dating someone for about a year, had been to his house a few times, etc. She turned up unexpectedly and the door was answered by his wife. Sad thing was, she didn't seem surprised. He had form for doing it - he'd remove all the 'family pics'

Euclid · 07/06/2020 01:22

Well done OP. He sounds awful and I too almost threw up at his replies to you. "Baby" - what decent man calls his gf that? If you married him, there would be four in the marriage, to paraphrase Princess Diana. Block him and move on.

Inappropriatefemale · 07/06/2020 01:29

Who at 30 spends all their time with parents?!Hmm

Get rid, he says he loves you, I love you, see anyone can say it, words mean nothing.

highmarkingsnowbile · 07/06/2020 02:16

Who at 30 spends all their time with parents?

He doesn't. He spends it with his wife or partner. He's your typical liar cheat who goes on OLD.

k1233 · 07/06/2020 03:32

Sounds like you've dodged a bullet. His parents would always come second to his own wants. Your needs and desires would be extremely low on the list.

MamaFirst · 07/06/2020 03:53

Total weirdo, and way too attached to the apron strings! Or a liar. Either way.... Weido.

Apple222 · 07/06/2020 09:11

That's the strange thing @Apple222 is he does everything for his parents. Literally everything. Cooks, cleans, he is restoring their house, morning walks with them, evenings watching tv with them.. literally everything. I understand parents are important but I wouldnt want to spend that much time with my mum - I love her but its just too much?

Agree, agree BUT what he has told you us the truth as he sees it...that he does all these things for his parents... He probably also thinks he does a lot for you. He may genuinely believe all this but the reality could be very different. Does he live there rent-free and feel he owes them??

In any case, I would be wary of anyone who is so tied to their parents‘ apron strings as he purports to be...Not attractive at all. I know someone like this and their relationships are a disaster because they have failed to make the transition to an independent life with responsibilities.

You are so much better than him. I can’t tell you that enough. Don’t let the way he is treating you make you feel it is somehow your fault...it really isn’t. He would be like this with anyone. Lazy. Dependent. Lazy.

ThePerfectPintOfIceColdBeer · 07/06/2020 11:02

I'm a bit late to the party but I just read the thread and I wanted to say a huge well done to you for staying strong and ending it.

His replies to you are disgusting. I find that often men take women for granted, and don't give them what they deserve until it's way too late.

Either that, or you are the other woman.

Either way, good on you. You've done the right thing.

mrsbyers · 07/06/2020 11:03

Walk away and find someone who deserves you

Lemonyfuckit · 07/06/2020 11:31

OP in the nicest possible way, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. I'm afraid he's just not that into you, and you really do deserve more than this. Set your sights way way higher than going to bed and waiting for a few texts! I mean, what 30 year old man is really so interested in so much quality time with his parents over his girlfriend? Can't speak to you in the morning because he's going 'for a stroll' with his parents? Can't at lunchtime because it's lunchtime with his parents? Then in the evening it's teatime and then evening time with his parents?! Something about that set up is really a little odd, and whether it's because actually he's married / has a long term partner or just is really not that into you (or is some kind of weird mummies boy), the end result is you deserve more than scraps of his attention when he 'deigns' to communicate with you on his terms only.

Trust me, I've been there, over and over again. And then when you meet a good one, the right one, suddenly it becomes incredibly simple. People who want to be together don't need to make excuses about they can only text at certain times or whatever, and you never need to feel like you're just sitting there waiting to get a text message or something from them.

Lemonyfuckit · 07/06/2020 11:43

I'm so sorry OP, I made the classic mistake of posting without reading the full thread, and you had already taken all the sensible advice.
So as you say - onwards and upwards (hahah an already happily married friend used to say that to me when I was unhappily single after whatever latest relationship had ended and it used to annoy me) but it's so true. You can be so much happier single and valuing yourself than being in a miserable relationship. You really do deserve better and to be happy, and I have every confidence you will be Thanks

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 07/06/2020 23:32

Just a quick update. No calls or texts today and I have actually had a brilliant day with my dd!
Thanks everyone Flowers

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 07/06/2020 23:35

OP have you told him that that’s it? Sorry if you already posted so but I cba to be read back and check!Blush

Apple222 · 08/06/2020 08:34

You have many brilliant days ahead OP. You sound lovely. I wish you well.

Don’t look back 🌻🌻🌻

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 08/06/2020 15:41

@Inappropriatefemale I have. It wasnt working for me coming so low down the totem pole of his priority list.
Thank you everyone. Its amazing, I feel like I have had a burst of energy from somewhere. I'm obviously WFH but I've done my make up, dressed nice and I feel like a new person!

OP posts: