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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationship advice needed - AIBU

288 replies

Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:37

Hi all.
I'm a 30 year old women and I am in a relationship with a 30 year old man. We have been in a relationship for 11 months.
He has said he wants to take it slow (which I respect) so hasnt met my DD or any of my family, and I havent met his parents who he lives with.
During lockdown we havent seen each other obviously.
My issue is he is always too busy, too busy for a phone call, too busy to text during the day, his weekends are too busy.. I get around 20 minutes to text him from when he gets in bed till he goes to sleep and he wont reply any other time of the day.

Usually he lives a busy life anyway with work but I usually get to see him 2 evenings a week.

We spoke the other night and he informed me that after this is over, for the foreseeable, we wont be able to spend any weekends together as he has to do some diy for his parents.

Am I being unreasonable wanting more? It's been nearly a year of this and the last few months of lockdown has shown me I cant be as much of a priority to him as he is to me as if I was, surely he would make time to text back/call back etc.

AIBU just expecting a bit more commitment? A bit more of his time/attention because I honestly dont know. Before this I have only been in one other relationship. DD's father which lasted 15 years.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 04/06/2020 15:53

Hes married

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:53

I dont feel like he is that into me. He tells me he loves me but wont commit at all. I have asked to meet his parents/him to meet mine but he says he will when he is ready

OP posts:
Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:54

We used to work together. Until around 1.5 years ago and was single then so I dont think he is married/living with his partner. He wasnt back then and theres no mention of one on his social media accounts

OP posts:
Livpool · 04/06/2020 15:57

Find someone who wants you in his life - and his proud to be your partner

highmarkingsnowbile · 04/06/2020 15:57

He doesn't want what you want. You're incompatible. This is a non-starter. Move on.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:58

I seriously dont feel like I'm asking for much. The weekend thing came up as I asked him if once this is over, could we maybe go away for a few days - just somewhere in the uk to spend some quality time together

OP posts:
Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 15:59

And the busy thing. I'm also WFH and have a 6 year old to contend with. And I could still find time to reply to his messages - if he messaged

OP posts:
growinggreyer · 04/06/2020 16:03

Just block him and delete his number, what will you actually lose? 20 minutes per day for your relationship? I spend longer on the toilet.

PurpleTalkingTrees · 04/06/2020 16:05

this is on his terms, very unequal dynamics. He’s just not that into you and there’s no chance he loves you, it’s not slow it’s casual dating when there’s nothing better to do. Know your worth, stop expecting more, just dump.

Runbitchrun · 04/06/2020 16:07

Please show yourself the respect you deserve by walking away from this person. Honestly, imagine your child was in this situation 20 years down the line - would you be happy for them, or think they deserved more?

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 16:07

It just wasnt always like this. At the beginning it was lovely, he cared, he would reply/call me, we would go out on dates, spend time together at the weekend.. then it just got less and less time until now. When I ask him why its because he is busy/tired and at first I accepted that but surely some time? I asked if we could maybe go for a social distanced walk together and he said he couldnt because he wouldnt be able to stay 6ft from me.. but surely its better than nothing after not seeing each other for 4 months.. apparently we have to wait till it's completely lifted

OP posts:
Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 16:08

You're entirely right - I wouldnt want my daughter to be in this situation, ever.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 04/06/2020 16:08

He couldn’t give a shit about you OP. He’s not that interested, isn’t in love with you (whatever he lazily says), is not drawn to you.

Dump!

Floralista · 04/06/2020 16:11

From your last message it appears that he wants out of the relationship and is pulling away to encourage you to end it. Let him go, you can do better Smile

JumpingAtJackdaws · 04/06/2020 16:15

I also think he wants you to end it. He couldn't be less interested if he tried could he? I bet he's wondering just what he needs to do for you to dump him.

Mycatsmellsbad · 04/06/2020 16:17

I agree he wants to end it but is too lazy so is waiting for you to do it. I wouldn’t even do him the courtesy of doing that, just stop contacting him.

Shouldershrugger · 04/06/2020 16:18

Are you sure his ''parent time isnt wife and kids time'' instead? Op, seriously you deserve more. Cut your losses now.

TinnedPearsForPudding · 04/06/2020 16:20

What would happen if you didn't text him at bedtime? Would he contact you or would there be nothing?

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 16:21

Had it have not been perfect at the beginning/visiting his house etc I would seriously think it could be wife and kids time, but I know hes just more invested with spending his evenings with his family. I managed to convince him to face time with me about 2 weeks ago (I had asked a few weeks in advance) and he finally called at 11pm and spent the 20 minutes we was on the phone yawning and telling me how tired he was

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 04/06/2020 16:22

There's someone else. Have you ever been to his house, when his parents have been out/away?

Corna · 04/06/2020 16:22

Just ghost him. Its he least he deserves. It sounds like he won't even notice. Then spend some time thinking about why your standards are so low and what you really deserve in a relationship.

Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 16:23

He does contact me at bedtime. I go to bed much earlier than him and then basically just wait for a message

OP posts:
Original poster
Unreasonable2 · 04/06/2020 16:23

I have been to his house when his parents havent been there

OP posts:
Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 04/06/2020 16:24

This is not a relationship, it's a twice weekly, one-sided phone conversation.

1forAll74 · 04/06/2020 16:33

It does sound a bit odd,, especially as he will probably be too busy,for you to voice your opinions to him , about this relationship. You could just go quiet on him for a while,and see how things pan out, or just forget about him altogether.