To think about her all the time

[hotstepper4]

Okay, so a bit of background: I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years. I have a son who is nine, he has three children: a daughter who is 11, a son who is 10, and a son who is seven. I've been in the children's lives for six years.

For the most part it's been good. I've always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and it was so nice for my son to feel that he had siblings.

In particular I was close to my stepdaughter. We always got on so well. I must admit my friends and family have always found her to be rather rude and aloof, and it's true that she definitely could be. She would ignore my friends if we went out or be rude to my mum. I made excuses for her, tell them that she was tired or shy. To be honest I don't think this was the reason. I'm not putting her down, just giving you background that she has always been hard work however we had a bond and I felt that it was mutual.

She started secondary school in September 2019. I was scheduled to collect her from
school thar first day, I remember being really excited about it, to hear about her first day at school.

As soon as she saw me, she ran. I chased after her and caught her arm. Asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting the school bus and going back to her mums. She said now that she was in secondary school she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do with her life. I said no, you're not, it's your weekend with your dad and you are coming with me. Perhaps I should have just let her go but I was so shocked. She came with me but the whole way she was moaning and crying. Eventually after a while I relented, said I'd take her to her mums. Which I did. I didn't understand but Dh spoke to her mum that night and she said she'd bring dsd round the following morning.

The next morning she came back. We tried to talk to her about what happened the day before, but she just clammed up and started crying. Then later she texted her mum and told her to come and get her, which she did. After that, my stepdaughter started sending my husband horrible text messages. Asking him why was he her dad, she hated him, even called him a bastard. Some people said that this had to be her mother speaking, however knowing my stepdaughter as I do, I am sure that it was her.

Since this we have seen her twice. The first time, was in December. She showed up with her brothers unexpectedly, but then became very annoyed that she did not have any Christmas gifts as we were not expecting her, and ran back to her mothers. The second time my husband showed up to collect her from her drama group. She was awful from the outset. She ran up to our bedroom. I went up to ask her what was going on, and she just kept telling me you know you know. I said I don't know I have no idea, and she said you know about how Dad hits me. My husband has never laid a hand on her, and I am 100% confident about this. She then ran out of the house again, back to her mothers. My husband was really worried about her accusations, he was worried about what would happen to his access to his sons if her accusations were taken seriously. So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

Since then we have heard nothing at all from her. It has been about five months now. She hides from my husband when he dropped the boys off, and on more than one occasion, he has heard her mother laughing at her hiding herself. He's had no support from my stepdaughter's mother she just says that she doesn't want my stepdaughter to hate her too.

My stepdaughter is turning 12 in August. I think about her every day. I think we should send her a card and maybe a gift. But my husband thinks a card is more than enough. He has been hurt beyond belief by this. He doesn't understand and she's never given any reason or explanation for her behaviour. I don't know how to proceed with it. If you text her she doesn't answer. I think I will send a card and sign it from myself her dad and her stepbrother.

It feels like we will never get her back, and it haunts me. I'll be interested to know what other people would do in this position.

Sorry this is long I dictated it because it's so long but I wanted to be clear about the situation and not drip feed.

Not sure why you wouldn't have bought her Christmas gifts, that seems odd.

Has your husband tried sitting her down and talking to her at all, she's obviously upset, is he doing anything about that?

What do the boys have to say about it, how are they acting with you?

That's really sad . I would get some support for your husband, someone he can talk it over with, and find a way forward with her. She is still only a child and might have something serious going on herself?
Does she need an assessment? Secondary school can be a huge ordeal if she has additional needs or sensory issues.

Has your husband an Employee Assistance Programme at work? If so then he will have acees to to counselling about family problems.

He cant just stop talking to her for the rest of her life.

Your poor husband, I'm sorry this is so difficult for you all and hope you get support to move forward and they can have some kind of a relationship.

Hi thanks for answering. We did buy her Christmas gift, but we had already sent it to her to her mum's house, as we weren't expecting to see her. Therefore we only had presents for the boys at our house at that time.

She will not come near my husband. I would love to sit her down and try and talk to her but it is not an option. She will not come anywhere near and as I mentioned her dm is no help and not ask her to do anything she doesn't want to do.

The boys haven't said much about it, just that stepdaughter doesn't want to see daddy anymore and they don't know why.

Why did she not have Christmas presents? Surely your husband was still going to give his child presents even if he hadn’t seen her?

Did any of you ever get to the bottom of what happened on her first day at high school? It sounds like she needed a hug from her Mum for some reason

Your husband really needs to rise above his hurt if he wants a relationship with his daughter. Not bothering with her birthday isn’t going to help the situation.

She is a child, this has been going on for a relatively short time (not like he’s been inviting her ever weekend for 3 years) even when they are unreasonable they need to know they are loved and wanted.

If he doesn’t make the effort now while she is still a child then he’s not going to have any relationship at all by the time she’s an adult

@3luckystars thank you for your reply. My husband doesn't speak much about it anymore. It's almost like he has disassociated himself from it because it is too painful.

I hope one day that she will think again and realise that she did have a lovely dad who would've done anything for her. She was once assessed for additional needs by her school, but they advise she didn't have any. Her brother, my my stepson who is 10 has autism however, and our friends and family have always been convinced that she has something going on.

You physically wrestled your step daughter into your car on her first day of high school?

Have you apologised for this?

@lyralalala she did have a Christmas present, but we had sent it to head to her mums as we weren't expecting to see her.

My husband had also sent her a box set a couple of days before for which he received no acknowledgement or thanks.

I wish that he would try harder too. but I think he knows that he won't get anywhere, and it's been so hard for him mentally too. To have her stand there and say how much she hates him, but he's a bastard and an abuser has been too much for him.

I think I will put £20 in her card.

I hope one day that she will think again and realise that she did have a lovely dad who would've done anything for her.

She doesn’t though. She has a dad so focussed on his hurt he’s not making any effort, and is planning to stop buying his DD birthday presents because he hasn’t seen her.

That will speak absolute volumes to her.

I posted on a previous thread of yours about this. If her mother is backing up her ideas that her dad hits her, why are the mother or daughter okay avoid the boys still seeing him? It’s very confusing.

The advice you were given last time was that your husband stopping contact, given her age, given the messy background, was a terrible idea. Telling her he’s backing away means if she ever wants to renew contact again means she doesn’t have an avenue to do.

I realise this is avoid your own painful feelings and I have a lot of sympathy for you. Is one of the issues that you don’t support the way DH has handled things? Would seeking counselling for yourself be helpful? It would give you a safe impartial space to work through this painful series of events.

This is really sad. I would keep reachung out to her but without pressure. I would send a gift and a card personally. Let her know you love her even though she doesn't want to see you and show that you respect that. Just my opinion with no experience of this. Though I do have a very sensitive niece who at that age occasionally got very upset with extended family for reasons which baffled us and it made me very stressed and sad at the time.

@GabriellaMontez wherw on earth did I say I physically wrestled her into a car? I don't even drive. I put my hand on her shoulder and asked her to come with me. There was nothing violent about it whatsoever. Please do not put words in my mouth.

There is a lot about you and her in this post - how you were there for her first day.

But actually very little about her Dad - where was he, why wasnt he there for her that day. Why were you talking or both together.

Then he wrote her a letter saying he would not be there, then a card is not enough then ALL about HIS feelings.

There isnt anything you can do because actually I dont think this is your fault at all. I think it is HIS.

There are some (potential) red flags in how he behaves and I say potential because it is unclear but a lot comes across that you were the one doing a lot and he focuses a lot on how he feels and how it would impact him. Now he has disassociated

@hotstepper4 I seen your comment about the Christmas presents after I posted. That’s understandable.

Kids, when they are hurting, can be horrible to parents. Parents have to rise above it and find out what is hurting their child.

Giving up on his DD after such a short space of time is appalling on your husband’s behalf tbh

I think I will put £20 in her card.

Is that the typical amount that your DH spends on a gift for his children and I assume the same amount that you spend on your child for a birthday?

@AnneLovesGilbert Yes this is not the first time I've asked for for help with this. I hoped that it would've gotten better by now but it hasn't. I agree that my husband stopping contact with her was not a great idea but if you had seen her, you would've seen that it was patently what she wanted, and in the end her mother asked my husband not to keep contacting her as it was causing her so much grief.

I dont think your husband is going the right way about it. They're not equals, he is the adult and the father. It his job to show her he loves her. Shes upset with him for whatever reason, and therefore he wants nothing to do with her? The only way they'll make up then is if she decides to take the first step and talk to him first, that shouldn't be a childs responsibility surely.

@Quartz2208 Exactly he's completely disassociated from it now. I recognise he's done it for self preservation, but it keeps me awake at night, the thought that she's going to grow with no relationship with her dad. They were so close as well understand I haven't said much about him and her, but they were really close. I have loads of photos, her on his lap, days out together, there was never any issues with their relationship.

I dont think your child wants her dad to leave her alone. I think she wants him to show her that he loves her.

I have read the previous thread now and I have to say are you absolutely sure nothing has happened to prompt this - these things dont tend to happen without a precipitating event

I cannot believe your husbands behaviour. He's stamping his foot like a small child. It infuriates me when men behave like this. He is the ADULT and he needs to do everything he can to maintain contact, and not just throw his toys out of the pram because he's getting nothing back. Its been barely any time at all since she started secondary, and he's just given up on her. She is a child and whatever the reasons for her rejections, she needs reassurance that he is still there, and thinking of her, however she has behaved. Not ignoring and withheld presents.

My son decided to stop seeing his dad around this age. I did everything in my power to encourage contact but his dad was utterly useless at showing he cared. They now haven't spoken in 7 years.

If this was the other way round I'd be going to meet my child whenever I could from school. I'd be writing to them every day. I'd be doing everything in my power to make our relationship good again.

My DC's feelings matter more than mine.

@Nottherealslimshady It's not just that she's upset with him. She seems to really despise him. That last day that she came to our house, she was shaking in his presence. And I swear, on my own sons life, that my husband has done nothing to her. This is what is so confusing to me. It's like she has made a situation in her head, where he has hurt her and she actually believes it. I think she needs professional help however her mother doesn't agree

My husband doesn't speak much about it anymore. It's almost like he has disassociated himself from it because it is too painful.

Is that how it is, or is that your narration of it, you impression of his feelings? Is he concerned for his daughter or for himself?

Is he emotionally giving towards his children or is it all about his feelings?

I wonder if, being a girl, she has worked it out first.

Your husband needs to keep in contact with her, even if she's acting out. If he keeps trying she may eventually appreciate it but if he gives up it will be very damaging for her self esteem.

Also I hate to suggest it but there's no chance she's being abused in any way and redirecting that onto her dad? I'm always wary of that sort of thing when a young girl starts acting bizarrely for seemingly no reason.

I think you and your husband need to persevere with contact with her, perhaps seek therapy for her.

@Dunking I agree. This is my son doing this to me, I would be there every day trying to get him to talk to me. But this is my husband's child, and I can't get him to do something he doesn't want to do, or rather it's not that he doesn't want to, I know he misses her, but he is terrified that she is going to make worse accusations, and ultimately cost him access to his sons as well.