To think about her all the time

[hotstepper4]

Okay, so a bit of background: I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years. I have a son who is nine, he has three children: a daughter who is 11, a son who is 10, and a son who is seven. I've been in the children's lives for six years.

For the most part it's been good. I've always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and it was so nice for my son to feel that he had siblings.

In particular I was close to my stepdaughter. We always got on so well. I must admit my friends and family have always found her to be rather rude and aloof, and it's true that she definitely could be. She would ignore my friends if we went out or be rude to my mum. I made excuses for her, tell them that she was tired or shy. To be honest I don't think this was the reason. I'm not putting her down, just giving you background that she has always been hard work however we had a bond and I felt that it was mutual.

She started secondary school in September 2019. I was scheduled to collect her from
school thar first day, I remember being really excited about it, to hear about her first day at school.

As soon as she saw me, she ran. I chased after her and caught her arm. Asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting the school bus and going back to her mums. She said now that she was in secondary school she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do with her life. I said no, you're not, it's your weekend with your dad and you are coming with me. Perhaps I should have just let her go but I was so shocked. She came with me but the whole way she was moaning and crying. Eventually after a while I relented, said I'd take her to her mums. Which I did. I didn't understand but Dh spoke to her mum that night and she said she'd bring dsd round the following morning.

The next morning she came back. We tried to talk to her about what happened the day before, but she just clammed up and started crying. Then later she texted her mum and told her to come and get her, which she did. After that, my stepdaughter started sending my husband horrible text messages. Asking him why was he her dad, she hated him, even called him a bastard. Some people said that this had to be her mother speaking, however knowing my stepdaughter as I do, I am sure that it was her.

Since this we have seen her twice. The first time, was in December. She showed up with her brothers unexpectedly, but then became very annoyed that she did not have any Christmas gifts as we were not expecting her, and ran back to her mothers. The second time my husband showed up to collect her from her drama group. She was awful from the outset. She ran up to our bedroom. I went up to ask her what was going on, and she just kept telling me you know you know. I said I don't know I have no idea, and she said you know about how Dad hits me. My husband has never laid a hand on her, and I am 100% confident about this. She then ran out of the house again, back to her mothers. My husband was really worried about her accusations, he was worried about what would happen to his access to his sons if her accusations were taken seriously. So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

Since then we have heard nothing at all from her. It has been about five months now. She hides from my husband when he dropped the boys off, and on more than one occasion, he has heard her mother laughing at her hiding herself. He's had no support from my stepdaughter's mother she just says that she doesn't want my stepdaughter to hate her too.

My stepdaughter is turning 12 in August. I think about her every day. I think we should send her a card and maybe a gift. But my husband thinks a card is more than enough. He has been hurt beyond belief by this. He doesn't understand and she's never given any reason or explanation for her behaviour. I don't know how to proceed with it. If you text her she doesn't answer. I think I will send a card and sign it from myself her dad and her stepbrother.

It feels like we will never get her back, and it haunts me. I'll be interested to know what other people would do in this position.

Sorry this is long I dictated it because it's so long but I wanted to be clear about the situation and not drip feed.

@hotstepper4 it is not true he hasnt done anything - your posts are full of things that he has done because in your own words he has prioritised his sons over his daughter and create an odd relationship like they are a couple.

You may well be able to say he hasnt done anything physically to her (and I am not sure your posts indicate this at all) but you certainly reveal some emotional abuse

he's terrified of her accusations and worries that he could be investigated. He worries that her accusations could get worse if he presses her against her will.He is scared he'll lose his boys over it

We spent every other weekend together as a family. Sometimes I would take her out, but he would not take her out alone without me. Sometimes he would go out with her and her brothers without me.

These are your words and they speak volumes about how he has parented his daughter. If you cant see that what you do know and readily admit on here may well have done to an 11 year old then

And as I said before - all of this is you missing her - does he?

There's a lot to unscramble here, OP, and I think you all need professional help (not easy at the moment, I realise).

It may well be that your stepdaughter had made up the story about her dad hitting her (if your stepdaughter's mum really believed this, would she let her other two children stay with their 'abusive' father?) But if that's the case, then why would she do this?

Secondly, assuming her story is not true, why would your husband be so anxious about social services investigating it? I know the fear is that SS will suddenly swoop in and take your children away - but I once had a phone call from them in triggered by a sports coach who was concerned that my DS might be self-harming because he refused to wear short-sleeved tops. In fact, DS had a skin condition which he was embarrassed about. I explained this, and that was the end of it.

Thirdly, I think you have to entertain the possibility that your stepdaughter is telling the truth. I know you say you are 100% certain that she isn't - but you really can't be 100% certain of this unless you have been with the pair of them every single minute since she was born. I'm not saying he has done anything - but I think you can't completely rule it out.

My XH behaved in a similar way to your DH, in that one of his children from his first marriage cut him off completely. He said he would respect her decision - but really it was all about how it made him feel, it was too upsetting for him to be rejected again, etc, etc, etc. He was a very selfish person.

It turned out he had also done some things which I, too, would have thought completely impossible.

You started seeing your husband when his previous wife was pregnant or had a new baby , maybe his daughter remembers some traumatic arguments from that time ?
If she had been waiting until high school to make her own choices, it suggests that she had been upset for some time but thought she had no choice.
Something has obviously really hurt and upset her, I am baffled as to why your Dh isn’t trying to find out, and it does make me wonder whether he knows why she is so angry, but won’t confront it ?

Sorry youre still going through this. I remember your previous thread.

Are you sure his letters are being sent passed on or could her mum be intercepting them?

I have seen in my extended family a scenario where the children only got birthday cards if they were on good terms and still visiting their dad. There is no relationship at all there now. Never give up on your children and a parents love to their child should never be conditional.

I'm not criticising you because I know you're in such a hard situation and it must be so hard to know what to do.

What if you got in touch with her yourself and tried to persuade her to see just you to start with? Or you and her brothers/your child?

I think above PP is right ,if you send a letter and some money to her with her card this may help .However something is clearly troubling here and you seem to be at a stalemate with her closing off .All you can do is keep the lines of communication open ,and maybe in time she will respond .However she equally may not and that is her choice .Her DM may be feeding untruths to her ,and exaggerating incidents as well ,you dont really know for sure .Perhaps see if you can speak to the School and get their view on her ,behaviour/Schoolwork /friends and so on see if they can shed any light on this matter .

I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years....... I've been in the children's lives for six years .

You said that DSD has said that she's been waiting to stop seeing her dad. Being as you've only been in the child's life for 6 years, whatever 'it' is could conceivably happened before you were on the scene, or at the least before you were around 24/7. So you really don't know if nothing ever happened. I'm not saying it did or didn't, just that you should admit the possibility, however unlikely you think it is. I just find it hard to believe that a child would make something up out of whole cloth, to the point of 'faking' shaking and being deathly afraid of her father, just to avoid seeing him. Something has caused this. Whether he did something or someone else did, whether she has hidden MH/emotional issues, I don't know.

I think the idea of family therapy is a good one. DSD could probably be compelled to attend but if her mother isn't going to cooperate there's not much can be done to get her there short of forcing his contact time and dragging her there. And I doubt that would do anyone any good. In the meantime, you and DH need to go to a family therapist to try and get a handle on the best way for him to express to her that he loves her and does want a relationship with her, but will not force it.

BTW, would DSD want to see you IF she was assured that he will not be there and you will not force her to talk about this? Perhaps that would be a good way to keep some line of communication open with her.

I'm glad she has some access to counseling and that it's confidential. I don't think family counseling would work yet with this dynamic, but group counseling with others to work on coping skills other than freezing each other and tit-for-tat that's doing as much as she is could be useful. Really the text thing sounds practically textbook for a child pushing to see if a parent cares about them enough to go through the hoops. Not the healthiest thing ever

I don't get the thing about the photos. Abused kids and kids who have seen horrible things can smile and can be affectionate - in fact some can be overly so in trying to win approval.

Sorry if I've missed this but is she willing to see you on your own or you and her step-brother/brothers i.e. no DH? Is she mad at you too? Can you be the bridge on which some trust and communication is built?

Very sad situation. If you're entirely certain your husband wouldn't ever have hurt your DSD (does she have a step father?)

then my next thought would be that's it's a response to her anger at him for divorcing her mum. A cry for attention. If her mum openly dislikes you etc. then this will definitely have impacted on DSD and her views of her father.

It's a desperately sad situation but the main thing is that you (and particularly your husband) DON'T give up on her. He needs to be consistent in his love for her and for goodness sake tell him to stop taking it personally and acting like a wounded dog. He is the adult the relationship is his responsibility.

He could write her a letter every month telling her how much he loves/misses her, filling her in on his life, asking about hers and letting her know no matter what he will always be there for her if/when she wants to see him. Every single month, stable, consistent. Even if he gets nothing in return he needs to keep going as when she has matured she will see things differently and their relationship will be open to repair. If he just ignores her then when she grows up she will feel so angry with him for giving up on her and her self esteem will be shot and may impact her relationships with men for life.

If he really has never harmed her this can be salvaged some day. If he ignores her it can not.

Haven't read the whole thing... but I saw the part where DSD is shaking in the presence of her dad, as she is so scared.

Please believe her. Stop forcing her to be with him when she clearly doesn't want to. Maybe he's done something, maybe he hasn't - but nothing good can come from you forcing the issue.

This is a hard thread to read. I’m sorry I have no advice but it seems awful for all involved

Too used to using ctrl-enter to make paragraphs. I meant *Not the healthiest thing ever, but his response isn't really a healthy coping skill either. If anything, she seems to be mirroring a lot of his behaviour, just in a most child form.

I can't say what's she been through, but I don't get assuming it's all in her head. I had a lot of people say that when I was a kid (and I have lots of smiling photos, my mother gave me all the photos with me in them when I left). I was later diagnosed with C-PTSD and, from discussion with professionals, I've had signs of trauma response since I was at least 8, when I started having mood swings and was very keen on affection.

My father repeatedly gave up attempting access for my siblings and I, including lack of presents. During that time, there were plenty of people who would either say how great he was or that he was going through a hard time. His silence and lack of actions spoke louder. It's clearly not all sunshine and roses, probably hasn't been for a while. Snaps like that come with build up. Even if it's not directly something he's done, that needs to be acknowledged rather than assuming she's imagining everything wrong because there is already enough evidence on how fickle his care is.

Firstly, yes I'd send a card and a gift of £50, like you would the others. Treat her the same ALWAYS.
In it I'd put a small note saying happy to meet / speak / text any time she would like, just to let you know if she would. Give her the choice.

Secondly, something has gone on for her to act this way.
Whether it came from your H, or her Mum, or someone else entirely, she is upset. She needs some Counselling / access to support at school ' elsewhere. She will be under some stress if she is ASD traits in mainstream anyway, regardless of any potential 'extra' trauma.

Could you contact her Mum and say you are really fond of her, hope she is okay, would be happy to support any family therapy?

Some of my friends have been through similar with their DD to the point she had them arrested on a few occasions.

All complete lies, there wasn't a mark on her and she was claiming she'd been kicked around the floor, strangled etc. We're baffled as to where it came from although she did use to make up tall tales and we think she may have done this to make them more believable.

Her parents had to step back for their own, mental health and the safety of their other DC. She stayed elsewhere for a good while but is back home now and.building a positive relationship BUT they also (( eventually )) had a lot of support from school, CAHMS and social services.

I actually think your dp needs to go down a different route and get school on board as the mother is clearly no use at all.

Surely if you were being mistakenly accused of something by your own child you would actively work with social services etc to ensure that whatever was being said about you was disproved?

Children sometimes make up outrageous lies to hide a horrible truth.
She might not be able to talk this through until she is older.
She needs ongoing support to get through this and you should keep the lines of communication going but do not force her to be in a room or directly speak with the person who she afraid of.

I don’t like this thread. Your heart may be in the right place but I feel uncomfortable with so much of it.

Your stepdaughter has either been abused by her Dad or someone else or is suffering from some mental health issues. The focus seems to be on her father and how hurt he is.

I don’t understand the complete rejection that he may never have hurt her. Especially as this seems to be grounded in the fact that you had a happy family life. That doesn’t prove anything, who knows what could have been buried under the surface? The fact that you have discounted this as a possibility completely explains to her where she stands in the pecking order. She is someone lesser than others, someone not to be believed.

She has also been labelled as dramatic. To be honest, and I’m not trying to insult you here as you do seem to care, but you seem to talk about her with a complete lack of respect for her as a person.

Something has happened here and she is never going to open up about it when her family are approaching it like this.

I think I would ring her mother explain your concerns and that you think it would be a good idea if you went round to have a chat. You need to get to the bottom of why she is like this while advising that you and her dad miss her.

All you can do it’s try if I was her mother I would be encouraging her to see her dad and lovely step mother not laughing at her hiding. Good luck op

I swear, on my own sons life, that my husband has done nothing to her.

Yeah, my mum thought my dad had never find anything to me. She would have sworn it too.

This is a child who needs support and love.

*done, not find!

I think you have spoken about her with love and respect. You hear about the wicked step mothers you are definitely the opposite very loving and caring and want the best for her. Lovely

The meltdown over the sand in her shoes screams sensory issues. I would look into pediatric occupational therapists experienced in this area and see if her mum would be open to bringing her to an appointment (when covid restrictions allow).

I swear, on my own sons life, that my husband has done nothing to her.

You should swear that you "think" your husband has done nothing. We can never 100% know - even when the person in question is the most kind/placid person we know.

Your husband I'm afraid does not sound like the kindest person on earth. Getting into a new relationship with a woman who has a brand new baby, while your wife is pregnant/has just had a new baby is not the marker of a good dad. It just isn't. Nor is disassociating from your struggling 11 year old when she's hurts your "feelings". I wouldn't be so quick to defend such a man personally.