To think about her all the time

[hotstepper4]

Okay, so a bit of background: I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years. I have a son who is nine, he has three children: a daughter who is 11, a son who is 10, and a son who is seven. I've been in the children's lives for six years.

For the most part it's been good. I've always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and it was so nice for my son to feel that he had siblings.

In particular I was close to my stepdaughter. We always got on so well. I must admit my friends and family have always found her to be rather rude and aloof, and it's true that she definitely could be. She would ignore my friends if we went out or be rude to my mum. I made excuses for her, tell them that she was tired or shy. To be honest I don't think this was the reason. I'm not putting her down, just giving you background that she has always been hard work however we had a bond and I felt that it was mutual.

She started secondary school in September 2019. I was scheduled to collect her from
school thar first day, I remember being really excited about it, to hear about her first day at school.

As soon as she saw me, she ran. I chased after her and caught her arm. Asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting the school bus and going back to her mums. She said now that she was in secondary school she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do with her life. I said no, you're not, it's your weekend with your dad and you are coming with me. Perhaps I should have just let her go but I was so shocked. She came with me but the whole way she was moaning and crying. Eventually after a while I relented, said I'd take her to her mums. Which I did. I didn't understand but Dh spoke to her mum that night and she said she'd bring dsd round the following morning.

The next morning she came back. We tried to talk to her about what happened the day before, but she just clammed up and started crying. Then later she texted her mum and told her to come and get her, which she did. After that, my stepdaughter started sending my husband horrible text messages. Asking him why was he her dad, she hated him, even called him a bastard. Some people said that this had to be her mother speaking, however knowing my stepdaughter as I do, I am sure that it was her.

Since this we have seen her twice. The first time, was in December. She showed up with her brothers unexpectedly, but then became very annoyed that she did not have any Christmas gifts as we were not expecting her, and ran back to her mothers. The second time my husband showed up to collect her from her drama group. She was awful from the outset. She ran up to our bedroom. I went up to ask her what was going on, and she just kept telling me you know you know. I said I don't know I have no idea, and she said you know about how Dad hits me. My husband has never laid a hand on her, and I am 100% confident about this. She then ran out of the house again, back to her mothers. My husband was really worried about her accusations, he was worried about what would happen to his access to his sons if her accusations were taken seriously. So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

Since then we have heard nothing at all from her. It has been about five months now. She hides from my husband when he dropped the boys off, and on more than one occasion, he has heard her mother laughing at her hiding herself. He's had no support from my stepdaughter's mother she just says that she doesn't want my stepdaughter to hate her too.

My stepdaughter is turning 12 in August. I think about her every day. I think we should send her a card and maybe a gift. But my husband thinks a card is more than enough. He has been hurt beyond belief by this. He doesn't understand and she's never given any reason or explanation for her behaviour. I don't know how to proceed with it. If you text her she doesn't answer. I think I will send a card and sign it from myself her dad and her stepbrother.

It feels like we will never get her back, and it haunts me. I'll be interested to know what other people would do in this position.

Sorry this is long I dictated it because it's so long but I wanted to be clear about the situation and not drip feed.

Look, its crystal that your DH is massively at fault here. The not taking her out without you, he’s poor to the point of neglect.

You’re working overtime to try and solve a problem which lies with your DH, and possibly her mother too. In her mind you will be seen as the agent of change and very possibly your son and perhaps her brothers as the golden children and she the scapegoat.

I would suggest there are a couple of things you could do/suggest and then I would step back.

1. Speak to DH and get him to write her a letter being honest about how hurt he was at her accusations but how he gets how upset she was at the end of her parents marriage and him becoming dad to another woman’s child. Assuming he wants to do this he should give her mum the heads up first so the effect can be managed

1. You could have an opportunity to be facilitator here to get her mum and dad working together. Now, this may be as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit but if you really are this upset and you do love DSD then it should follow that her parents ought to respect that and try and work together to get both families back on track.

Don’t expect it to work. She sounds angry and hurt and I suspect the inaction of your DH and possibly how he was before his marriage ended could be the twin root of all this.

I would suggest that there is no real harm in trying but you need to defer to her parents every single time. To try and force the matter could have your DH and DSDs mum turn on you and risk the other children’s stability.

Remember though, DSD has agency here and you can’t ride roughshod over it. As much as it guts you you may have to come to terms that such a situation could take years to improve if at all.

Oh dear, what a mess. Something has obviously upset her very deeply. At her age it's pretty typical to lash out. If she feels rejected by him because of his new relationship (not your fault, or his, but some kids feel this way) then she may be subconsciously pushing him to prove his love for her, or for you to prove that you care about her (I assume that you are correct about the no hitting, in which case she may have been testing whether you care enough about her to take her accusation seriously).

Withdrawing seems a very bad idea to me. Ok, if she wants to stay at her mum's, and he doesn't want to force her, fine. But she needs to feel that she isn't stuck with this choice, and have the feeling from him that he DOES want her there and is just giving her space for as long as she wants it. He definitely shouldn't stop sending presents or give her the hard shoulder because he's getting it from her! He's the parent! Almost all pre-teens/teenagers are pretty horrible to their parents at one time or another, the parent HAS to rise about that and be steadfastly loving and always ready to accept the return of their child's affections.

On a side-note, someone should probably check in with school if they have noticed anything unusual in her behaviour. It is not uncommon for teenagers to say half-truths when they are under extreme pressure - could someone else have been scaring her or hurting her? Always worth checking up on these things.

@Mumoblue Sad fact is we have contacted social services. And they said they couldn't help due to her age. They said that age of 11, she decided she wanted to stop saying my husband, there was nothing they could do about it.

Definitely give her what you would usually spend on her for her birthday, that shouldn’t even be up for debate.
I don’t know what your background with your dh is, but I think you should be very careful about being 100% sure he hasn’t done something I’m some way, even before you were on the scene.

Maybe something happened to her before you and your husband got together and secondary school? Someone at the school perhaps?

Maybe she blames her Dad for not protecting her?

How did her Mum and your DH get on before they split up?

We spent every other weekend together as a family. Sometimes I would take her out, but he would not take her out alone without me. Sometimes he would go out with her and her brothers without me.

This is very telling. He doesnt want or ever have alone time with her.

You need some professional input I think at this point

@hotstepper4 Even if you approach it from the angle of her being in distress? That's awful. There must be some kind of help for this girl.

Sorry too many to tag individually but I really do appreciate these answers they are helping. I'll speak to Husband again about writing a letter to her. Unfortunately her mother doesn't like me. She's jealous of the role I play in her children's lives. In her mind I have a child I shouldn't be playing Mum to her children. However I don't agree with that and when the children are under my roof, I treat them the same as I treat my son.

Perhaps I could write to her without my Dh?

I wonder if in a roundabout sort of way, she is trying to get his attention?She is his only Daughter and has 2 brothers ,You have children as well .Also you say DH has a son of seven ,but you and he have been together 7 years! Were you having an Affair? Did he leave his wife for you?( I am not judging you in any way) but at 11 or 12 puberty starts to kick in ,and its entirely possible that the hurt she probably felt when younger has come to the fore now.She may be angry with him, and has maybe a memory of maybe being told off or smacked, and it has become enlarged in her mind.Often Counselling will bring memories to the fore and she may be suffering from false memory syndrome .

It’s obviously hard to give proper advice over the internet and not knowing the girl but she said it was planned. Maybe she felt powerless when her parents split and envisioned regaining some control when she started secondary school. I don’t know how old she was when they separated but she’ll carry the impact in some way forever as it’s shapes people’s psychological development and personality.

My other thought was - does she attend school regularly? Or does she literally only want to be at home with her mum all the time? Is it separation anxiety? Feeling guilty about leaving her mum alone? Feeling worried that something bad will happen to her mum? Could she be projecting her feelings into dad because he was the cause of mum being alone?

Does mum have a partner??

hotstepper4 if your DH writes his 11 year old a letter there is a huge danger it will be about him - how he feels, what he wants, styling himself as victim of her rejection by the sounds of it, so it might do a lot more harm than good - I'd tread carefully encouraging that!

If she believes he's abused her (whether there's any truth or not) he cannot be guilt tripping her for hurting his feelings!

Did you contact social services to ask them to help with contact? Because again that's about him not her.

I think the poster meant contract social services because she needs support and might be being abused elsewhere (given you're 100% sure it didn't happen during contact with your DH).

@dottiedodah no I wasn't the OW but we did get together when my dss7 was 6 months old. I understand that looks very soon to some. They split when she was pg from what I understand the last pg was a mistake and she decided to go it alone. It's possible that her dm has coloured her view of her dad. He honestly has tried so hard with her but her dm isn't afraid to use her as a sounding post. I once caught her writing my phone number on the sole of her foot as she wanted to text me but didn't want her dm to know she had my number.

I don't know about the rights or wrongs of this, but do feel desperately sad for your step-daughter who sounds like she is in a world of pain and hurt right now and is feeling like she has to handle it all on her own, at 11 years old. How lonely and scary her world must feel to her.

In your shoes I would be seeking professional support for you all and fully expecting that to reveal there were things the adults were doing wrong that need correcting - even if they were being done with the best intentions.

As a PP just said, was your relationship starting before his marriage ended? Be honest: looking within yourself is the only way you can hope to make a jot of progress with her as there will be really uncomfortable stuff that going to come out if she does open up and shows any willing to listen.

As an aside, if you write to her mum (NOT her as this could possibly be constituted as harassment) without DH being on board prepare to face the consequences. Ask yourself “if DH is so reluctant and willing to let her go, are his actions worth me compromising the family life of my son over”?

@SuperMedium I'm considering texting her from my ds tablet (I can't use my phone as her dm blocked me from her phone) how would you word it?

dottie may well be right that a memory from when she was 3 or 4, perhaps during a heated period when her parents were splitting up (her mum must have been pregnant with your DH's youngest when they split so there must have been drama) may have resurfaced, rather than the hitting being recent.

Why doesnt your husband spent time alone with her OP when he does with his sons.

One way or another that has to be at the root of all of this. Either something happened once so he avoids it or he simply doesnt want to spend time with his DD at all.

You dont believe the former but lets take the latter. You yourself have indicated that he doesnt spend alone time with her when he does her brothers.

On the first day at secondary when it was your weekend YOU were there not HIM. Has he perhaps been there for her brothers.

Then there were Christmas presents for her brothers. And his reaction, well his reaction was to write a letter walking away.

At BEST OP he has created a situation where his daughter feels he favours her brothers more and something he cant be bothered to remedy.

What are you going to say. That her Dad loves her and wants to see her. Because frankly if he does why isnt he doing something about her. There is nothing you can do here to make this better except face up to the fact he is not being a good Dad.

DO you step in and parent when he should be? Did he actually spend anytime with her because her Mum may be right - she has a Mum she doesnt need one of those - she needs a Dad and I think you have been papering over the cracks for him for far too long

They split when she was pg from what I understand the last pg was a mistake and she decided to go it alone

Sorry but I call bullshit. Your DH is coming off as a waste of space tbh.

no I wasn't the OW but we did get together when my dss7 was 6 months old. I understand that looks very soon to some. They split when she was pg from what I understand the last pg was a mistake and she decided to go it alone

Is that what the ex wife says? Or is that just your partner's story? It's pretty unusual for women to leave with 3 kids, one 6 months old (or still in utero). Few women choose to "go it alone" pregnant and with 2 small kids. It happens - but usually when there is significant abuse, or when in truth the husband cheats and leaves saying they're already over and lead separate lives.

How did you meet your DH? At work?

hotstepper4 that sounds sneaky, I wouldn't do that. I honestly don't think there's a message you can send to build bridges except "I believe you and want to help" but obviously you don't believe her (and it may be technically accurate that she isn't telling the real objective truth) and you don't want to "choose" her whatever the cost to your marriage - so honestly you need to stay out of direct contact IMO.

I just wanted to say we went through something very similar with DSD 3 who is 8, only worse - she really made up some horrible stuff and SS were involved (luckily they worked out pretty quick it was all in her head), after 6months of her refusing to see her dad (which is what SS recommended letting her do) she came for an entire week out of the blue earlier this month and it was like none of it ever happened.
I have no idea why, no insight at all into her behaviour and unfortunately with covid the therapy she was going to have is cancelled. but things are better now

I think it's important to understand the kind of girl my dsd is here too. I know she's a child. I know she's only 11.

However she wilfully ignores messages from my Dh. I challenged her on this the last day I saw her and her reply was this "I like the idea of him waiting to see if I reply, banging his head against the wall"

I know she's a very confused and unhappy girl. However she sometimes says things than make my skin crawl.

@hotstepper4 I would absolutely spend the same amount as always until she is older. At 11 she is a mix of hormones and very easily led by the views of others. Don’t give anyone a reason to show her you care less about her than her brothers through gifts.
You don’t know what’s being drip fed to her at home.

Writing your number on the sole of her foot? that doesn't sit right with me and raises alarm bells. What is her relationship like with her mom? Does her mom have a partner?