To think about her all the time

[hotstepper4]

Okay, so a bit of background: I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years. I have a son who is nine, he has three children: a daughter who is 11, a son who is 10, and a son who is seven. I've been in the children's lives for six years.

For the most part it's been good. I've always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and it was so nice for my son to feel that he had siblings.

In particular I was close to my stepdaughter. We always got on so well. I must admit my friends and family have always found her to be rather rude and aloof, and it's true that she definitely could be. She would ignore my friends if we went out or be rude to my mum. I made excuses for her, tell them that she was tired or shy. To be honest I don't think this was the reason. I'm not putting her down, just giving you background that she has always been hard work however we had a bond and I felt that it was mutual.

She started secondary school in September 2019. I was scheduled to collect her from
school thar first day, I remember being really excited about it, to hear about her first day at school.

As soon as she saw me, she ran. I chased after her and caught her arm. Asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting the school bus and going back to her mums. She said now that she was in secondary school she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do with her life. I said no, you're not, it's your weekend with your dad and you are coming with me. Perhaps I should have just let her go but I was so shocked. She came with me but the whole way she was moaning and crying. Eventually after a while I relented, said I'd take her to her mums. Which I did. I didn't understand but Dh spoke to her mum that night and she said she'd bring dsd round the following morning.

The next morning she came back. We tried to talk to her about what happened the day before, but she just clammed up and started crying. Then later she texted her mum and told her to come and get her, which she did. After that, my stepdaughter started sending my husband horrible text messages. Asking him why was he her dad, she hated him, even called him a bastard. Some people said that this had to be her mother speaking, however knowing my stepdaughter as I do, I am sure that it was her.

Since this we have seen her twice. The first time, was in December. She showed up with her brothers unexpectedly, but then became very annoyed that she did not have any Christmas gifts as we were not expecting her, and ran back to her mothers. The second time my husband showed up to collect her from her drama group. She was awful from the outset. She ran up to our bedroom. I went up to ask her what was going on, and she just kept telling me you know you know. I said I don't know I have no idea, and she said you know about how Dad hits me. My husband has never laid a hand on her, and I am 100% confident about this. She then ran out of the house again, back to her mothers. My husband was really worried about her accusations, he was worried about what would happen to his access to his sons if her accusations were taken seriously. So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

Since then we have heard nothing at all from her. It has been about five months now. She hides from my husband when he dropped the boys off, and on more than one occasion, he has heard her mother laughing at her hiding herself. He's had no support from my stepdaughter's mother she just says that she doesn't want my stepdaughter to hate her too.

My stepdaughter is turning 12 in August. I think about her every day. I think we should send her a card and maybe a gift. But my husband thinks a card is more than enough. He has been hurt beyond belief by this. He doesn't understand and she's never given any reason or explanation for her behaviour. I don't know how to proceed with it. If you text her she doesn't answer. I think I will send a card and sign it from myself her dad and her stepbrother.

It feels like we will never get her back, and it haunts me. I'll be interested to know what other people would do in this position.

Sorry this is long I dictated it because it's so long but I wanted to be clear about the situation and not drip feed.

When you spoke to social services, did you tell them that she alleged that her father had hit her, or was it purely about the fact that she didn't want to see him?

From what you are saying, I think the following may be happening (may - I have no real idea)..I would say that there is trauma from the separation of her parents that she encountered as a young child. As a young child she did not have any way of expressing it - so now the behaviour is telling you without telling you.

Now that she is entering puberty there are significant brain development changes which may have become a catalyst for why this is happening now.

If she is displaying 'out there' behaviour such as accusing her father, being erratic and unreasonable...my instinct is that you need some sort of father/daughter counselling in the first instance. You will need to pay privately for it as the waiting list for CAMHS is very long.

A good book is Beyond Consequences: Logic and control by Heather Forbes.

I’m sorry op but I do nt think there’s a solution here. Maybe try not to dwell on it. If she’s refusing to talk to her father then maybe he’s best not contacting her.

he has ... create an odd relationship like they are a couple.

I'm sorry, what does this mean?

I appreciate what people are saying about him needing to continue to show his daughter that he loves her and is thinking about her... but at what age does a girl/woman get to be listened to if she says she doesn't want contact?

"...the part where DSD is shaking in the presence of her dad, as she is so scared."

I too noticed that.

There are many red flags. The marriage being over because wife had an unwanted pregnancy and decided to go it alone for a start; many have an unplanned child and stay together, eventually enjoying it. Him getting together with the op so very quickly. Not spending one on one time with his daughter.

Why is the ex wife so bitter after all these years when the op wasn't the 'OW'? I wonder about her side of the story.

Then the allegations from daughter about her father and her dramatic outbursts.

This is a seriously strange situation. Either the op gets to the bottom of it or just leaves it to work itself out on its own. I favour the former.

You sound very concerned OP and rightly so I think.
It sounds like both mum and dad should be more concerned about her than they are.
Family therapy sounds like a great shout and i totally agree with treating her consistently. Your DH should be making more effort and a few times you've said he's worried about losing his sons, does he favour them at all?
You cant be 100% certain he hasn't done anything I'm afraid because no one can ever say that for certain.
Sounds really difficult but what else can you do but persevere?

PS: Just to add, I do feel desperately sorry for the op, this isn't her fault and the situation is obviously making her unhappy. that's a good enough reason in itself to try to get it sorted.

Of course yanbu to think about her.

My son is older and NC with his Dad while his younger siblings see Dad.

If you or your h contact her don't make it about your feelings because she'll see it as emotional blackmail and feel shit.

My ex used to say that ds didn't see him because of me. He was your DD's age when he started NC and it's not my place to force him to see his Dad. Every few weeks (later months) I would tell him that it's ok if he's changed his mind and I'd contact his Dad for him but he insisted no. I've never argued with him about this - I know legally a judge would allow a y7 to make the decision and obviously I'm not going to fall out with him over this. With teen/tween kids, you sometimes have to accept their POV on things.

If you normally spend £50 on a gift I would continue to spend £50 on a gift. She is still his dd and you don't want to have regrets over £50. I suspect that not sending a gift will be interpreted as "proof" he's a bad dad.

Ex rarely asks me or the kids that he sees about ds. Last time we spoke about him was on A-level results day so nearly a year ago and before that it was GCSE results day 2 years prior. Ex sends birthday and Xmas gifts but other than that seems to act like he doesn't exist. He's normally a confident extrovert but has simply given up and accepted ds decision. Like your h, my ex seems to think that his feelings are as important as ds feelings when he's the parent and needs to take the lead. It's pretty immature to sulk the way that your h is.

On the first day of secondary did you wait for her somewhere discreet so other kids didn't see you?

They split when she was pg from what I understand the last pg was a mistake and she decided to go it alone

From what bullshit he told you and you chose to believe because it was convenient.

Now you are so sure he hasn’t done anything. Seriously ask yourself how convenient this is for you as well.

Apart from the issues with your step-daughter :

Your husband sounds like an utter prick for leaving his pregnant wife (and 2 small children) because she wouldn’t have an abortion. And then he got together with another woman and raised her baby?? How could you be with someone like that? I would not blame his ex-wife in any way if she was bitter.

It's sounds like her mum has been putting her off you. Before you send the card with £50 in I would want to be certain that it actually got to your SD and not her mums pocket so you look like you haven't sent anything

That young girl, needs love and support. Not people shutting her out.
I also think the adults in her life need to look more closely into why she's accusing her dad of abuse, and it seems she's afraid of him. Why? Also why is he so scared of being investigated if he doesn't done anything to hurt her?
Something is not right here, somebody needs to hear that girl out and try and get to the bottom of this. The adults in her life are failing her right now.

@hotstepper4

Do you think he should be contacting ss again? We did see a lawyer who suggested group therapy however dsd refused to attend and her dm refused to bring her against her will

I would discuss this again to try and get dsd and her dm to agree and if not, speak to a solicitor about potentially going to court to get the group therapy sessions compulsory.

Your husband said he'd do what she wanted and leave her alone? That's shitty. Kids need parents to be the adults and cope with difficult feelings without also behaving like a child.

Furthermore unless you have been with her since birth how do you know he's never hit her?

I see these types of threads every so often when an op is disturbed by their dp's lack of effort to see a child.

Does your dp have form for stonewalling?

I'm sorry but your DH needs to do more. If my kids stopped seeing me I would go through hell and high water to win them back. And they need to know this. Your DHs daughter needs to know he loves her and will never ever stop trying to see her and will never stop wanting and trying to get her back. If he doesn't bother, what message does that send

I wonder whether your husband has done something to her that you don’t know about. This is possible.
She is old enough to decide whether she actually wants to see her dad, will I doubt she’s old enough to understand the long term implications of this.
Your husband needs to stop acting like a little boy who has had his feelings hurt. He’s the adult and should always be the one making an effort. Of course he ought to send her a card and present for her birthday.
Has anyone sat down in a neutral way and asked this child if there is anything she wants to tell someone.

Are you planning children with him? Take note of how crap he is. God forbid you go through something that requires him to be a fully functioning adult.

I think you contracting could damage their relationship further and actually your husband needs to sort it.
I know that's hard. I've lost a step daughter through divorce (lived with us full time) and had to hand her back when we split. He left and I had to phone her mother and explain as couldnt contact him to sort. I haven't seen her since, and have been banned etc. So I really do understand the loss of relationship.
However, it comes across she is angry at him, not you. And he needs to fix that and then hopefully she can be in your lives again. I agree with a few posters here, he needs to rebuild their relationship and spend time with her. Alone. Maybe he could do this supervised with a grandparent? Or her mother (possibly not ideal) and slowly build it up. Maybe not discuss it at first and just ask to take her for a hot chocolate/icecream/something that may take a hour or so.
Good luck

This is a bit upsetting to read.

Whether you believe it or not a child is saying she's been abused and is being ignored.

If you were to act on what she said and it is not true the fallout on your life will be much less than if you don't, she remains ignored, and it is true.

I'm sure that's inconvenient and I'm not pretending it's easy but the fact your H is 'terrified it would be investigated' should ring alarm bells in your mind.

I think you know this.

It sounds very much like a test.
She says she wants nothing to do with him but what she really wants is for him to fight for her.

She probably couldn't even explain it like that, but it's something kids sometimes do when they feel unsafe or unloved.

I meant to say 'If you were to act on what she said and it is not true the fallout on your life will be much less than the fallout on hers if you don't, she remains ignored, and it is true.'

The stuff about never being alone with her is worrying too quite honestly.

Just to say we have a similar scenario here and dh keeps trying. He texts and calls stepdaughter even though she mostly doesn't reply and won't engage. He is her father and it's at his door to keep trying even though it hurts when he gets rejected. It does seem odd that she would just suddenly not want to come to your home without some big event or an accumulation of smaller events.

This sounds like a complex situation. I don't think the people who are insinuating anything with regard to how you and your husband met are being so helpful, there are sometimes mean comments toward stepparents on here. I'd be interested to know a little more about her behaviour.

From you initial post, you say that you don’t think the reason she is interpreted as aloof and rude is due to her being tired or shy. What do you feel is the explanation for this?

You say that your family and friends have always found her that way. Is that correct: always, every time, since the first time they met her when she was five or six? What if her dad is there, not there?

Think back to the transition to secondary school. How was her behaviour and attitude toward people in your household, including her siblings, in Y6, then over the summer?

In the car, why did you decide to take her to her mum’s house? What did you talk about? What happened when you agreed to go to her mum’s house? What happened when you got there?

How much one on one time did she get with her dad, with each of her brothers at your house? How did that change from when you first met, to the last time you saw her, in terms of all those relationships?

You say she ran up to your bedroom the second time she visited. Is that usual? Does she spend much time in your bedroom? What was she doing in there when you went upstairs?

I think that divorce can be traumatic for children.
I think time might resolve this, my friend’s daughter wouldn’t see her father for a while during early teens but then moved in with him when she reached 16 for 5 years as she had fallen out with her mother.
Perhaps moving from home to home might just feel complicated or difficult for her but if you keep ties through gifts, birthdays, texts etc I think it’s ok, let her have some space.

Just some ideas I think at her age maybe unlikely but maybe worth exploring ? Could anything have ever happened even that he has accidentally hurt her when younger and all she remembers is he hurt her? I dont know how likely a false memory would be. When her parents split up is it possible something happened then could she gave witnessed an argument ect and has perceived him as aggressive or threatening to her mother ? Could it be emotional hurt rather than physical but she is expressing it this way ? Could you think of anything maybe even small that happened around that time that could make her feel against him and want to lash out at him ( this seems unlikely if she is shaking in his presence ) could someone else have hurt her ? Could this be happening to someone else best friend ? Cousin ? Mother ect and she cant process it? How is her mental health generally ? I think your husband needs to keep in contact even if just by letter and yes to sending presents. I'm not sure you contacting would be beneficial as she may feel like why are you contacting rather than her dad. Is there anyone in the family she would speak with eg grandparents , aunts , uncles, cousin, family friend who she may be comfortable speaking with? I do understand your husband being scared in case she makes even worse accusations but there is something going on and her parents do need to try and get to the bottom of it.