To think about her all the time

[hotstepper4]

Okay, so a bit of background: I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years. I have a son who is nine, he has three children: a daughter who is 11, a son who is 10, and a son who is seven. I've been in the children's lives for six years.

For the most part it's been good. I've always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and it was so nice for my son to feel that he had siblings.

In particular I was close to my stepdaughter. We always got on so well. I must admit my friends and family have always found her to be rather rude and aloof, and it's true that she definitely could be. She would ignore my friends if we went out or be rude to my mum. I made excuses for her, tell them that she was tired or shy. To be honest I don't think this was the reason. I'm not putting her down, just giving you background that she has always been hard work however we had a bond and I felt that it was mutual.

She started secondary school in September 2019. I was scheduled to collect her from
school thar first day, I remember being really excited about it, to hear about her first day at school.

As soon as she saw me, she ran. I chased after her and caught her arm. Asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting the school bus and going back to her mums. She said now that she was in secondary school she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do with her life. I said no, you're not, it's your weekend with your dad and you are coming with me. Perhaps I should have just let her go but I was so shocked. She came with me but the whole way she was moaning and crying. Eventually after a while I relented, said I'd take her to her mums. Which I did. I didn't understand but Dh spoke to her mum that night and she said she'd bring dsd round the following morning.

The next morning she came back. We tried to talk to her about what happened the day before, but she just clammed up and started crying. Then later she texted her mum and told her to come and get her, which she did. After that, my stepdaughter started sending my husband horrible text messages. Asking him why was he her dad, she hated him, even called him a bastard. Some people said that this had to be her mother speaking, however knowing my stepdaughter as I do, I am sure that it was her.

Since this we have seen her twice. The first time, was in December. She showed up with her brothers unexpectedly, but then became very annoyed that she did not have any Christmas gifts as we were not expecting her, and ran back to her mothers. The second time my husband showed up to collect her from her drama group. She was awful from the outset. She ran up to our bedroom. I went up to ask her what was going on, and she just kept telling me you know you know. I said I don't know I have no idea, and she said you know about how Dad hits me. My husband has never laid a hand on her, and I am 100% confident about this. She then ran out of the house again, back to her mothers. My husband was really worried about her accusations, he was worried about what would happen to his access to his sons if her accusations were taken seriously. So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

Since then we have heard nothing at all from her. It has been about five months now. She hides from my husband when he dropped the boys off, and on more than one occasion, he has heard her mother laughing at her hiding herself. He's had no support from my stepdaughter's mother she just says that she doesn't want my stepdaughter to hate her too.

My stepdaughter is turning 12 in August. I think about her every day. I think we should send her a card and maybe a gift. But my husband thinks a card is more than enough. He has been hurt beyond belief by this. He doesn't understand and she's never given any reason or explanation for her behaviour. I don't know how to proceed with it. If you text her she doesn't answer. I think I will send a card and sign it from myself her dad and her stepbrother.

It feels like we will never get her back, and it haunts me. I'll be interested to know what other people would do in this position.

Sorry this is long I dictated it because it's so long but I wanted to be clear about the situation and not drip feed.

@hotstepper4
I dont think your husband is an abuser but I do think he is a terrible father.
How could he say he feels nothing for his daughter? She's a child.
That would be it for me, him saying that would make my skin crawl if I were you.

His daughter may not be right about him hurting her physically but he has shown time and again that he doesn't really care about her when she's inconvenienced him.

how could he say he feels nothing for his daughter. That would be it for me

This. He's explicitly telling you he's not normal. He's saying 'I am incapable of real relationships, I can pretend to care to get what I want out of a situation but will drop my own child, you, anyone if they don't put me first'.

That's disgusting in the truest sense of the word.

He messaged her to complain? He felt the need to vent his emotions to an 11 year old? Really? And you found this acceptable? I certainly wouldn't.

It's pretty obvious that your DSD has some type of issues/stressors going on in her life. Is anyone trying to get her some type of continuing counseling or MH help?

As far as your 'he'd never do that', you haven't been around all her life. She's 11, you've been together 7 years. There was before you met, there was the period between meeting and either marriage or moving in. Don't tell me he's NEVER been 'alone' with her since you met him. And I'm sure you have not been 'monitoring' him 24/7 since then. You don't want to believe he's capable, fine. But don't try and tell yourself he's 'never had a chance' to be abusive. He certainly has.

And I'm not talking about strictly physical or sexual abuse. I'm talking about emotional abuse too. Emotional abuse takes just a second and is often unseen by others. It's a spoken word, a look, a gesture. If nothing else he sounds perfectly capable of being a 'withholder', withholding love and affection if he's unhappy with someone. He's made it pretty clear that he turns off his emotions at a whim. That can be just as damaging as a blow. Sometimes more so.

exactly @Acrossthepond55 I think emotional abuse.

@hotstepper4 the behaviour you describe of a disturbed little girl definitely raises some red flags. And I think you have been so indignant about physical and sexual abuse (which I agree I dont think has happened) that you have ignored or dont realise the blatant examples of emotional abuse that you have given

Have you thought the reason she give you an example is because it isnt something that is concrete. There is no hitting etc but just a set of underlying minor emotional things that she knows doesnt feel right and has made her feel a certain way. She knows you were there when it happened but she cant articulate it because it is so subtle and under the surface.

Now he realises he is starting to lose your support on this so he is doing enough to keep you in check

Have you thought the reason she give you an example is because it isnt something that is concrete. There is no hitting etc but just a set of underlying minor emotional things that she knows doesnt feel right and has made her feel a certain way. She knows you were there when it happened but she cant articulate it because it is so subtle and under the surface.

Exactly @Quartz2208 !

She isn't mature enough to really recognize emotional abuse for what it is. I mean good Heavens!, we have adults posting on MN all the time asking "Is this abuse?" or posting behaviours and not seeing them for what they are. How on earth would an 11 year old recognize it? And so, she puts the way he makes her feel into something she can understand. Her emotional pain is translated in her mind to physical pain, ergo 'hitting', because she has no words to express her feelings.

Complain was a typo I said that immediately after posting. He didn't message her to complain that was AutoCorrect.

I agree with what people are saying in that my husband could be a lot better about all this and I also agree that a series of events has caused this, however I don't believe my husband is to blame for all of it. I think a lot of the blame lies with her mother and her insistence on cutting my husband out of the children's lives as much as she can. By that I mean that for example, when my stepdaughter was first assessed for special-needs, we didn't even know until after the assessment had taken place. My husband would have liked to have been there, to meet the assessor and be involved, but the children's mother has always treated my husband like a babysitter rather than a father. My husband can't always spend quality time with the children at the weekends, because of their mothers insistence on involving them in a lot of extracurricular activities, which takes up most of the weekend. I remember we once took the kids away for the weekend to the beach. Obviously they couldn't attend any of their activities that weekend, however when their mother found this out she threatened to stop the children coming here, unless my husband put in writing that he would always take them to their swimming lessons and drama class. She herself never tells us when she is doing anything with the children, and every summer takes them away for two weeks at a time without even letting us know when this will be. In fact just before this happened, the children spent two weeks in Disneyland Paris and I sometimes wonder if something happened there.

I'm not trying to excuse my husband however I do think people should know that he has not always been given the chance to be Father of the year.

I agree that this is something that he really needs to work harder on with their mother. I sometimes wonder if it's just gone too far now and the damage might be irreversible.

My Dad made some decisions regarding me when I was a tween/teen. That I didn't want to be invited to family events and on family holidays, that I wouldn't enjoy the same extra curricular activities so I was never offered. I refused to go to weekends because the rules were different and I liked seeing my friends. He got rid of the bed I had previously slept in so I couldn't stay at his house, so by the time I was ready to go to weekends again, there was no space for me. There were lots of discussions between my step mum and mum about how my 'poor dad' missed me 'so much.'

He never tried calling me for a chat, taking me for a coffee, trying to get to the bottom of why I didn't want to go. He never asked me how I felt. It was all about him and his feelings and what maintenance he paid and what his rights were according to the court. He didn't see me as a person at all (still doesn't).

But that's what emotional-withholding Narc Dads are like.

The last hug he gave me was like a stranger, it was like he was trying to retain a big enough gap between our bodies that he wouldn't catch my cooties. He talks to me like an idiot and a child and a crazy person all at once. I'm none of those things. I wish he had given me the space to boomerang back and have been waiting with a warm hug and an open heart.

The rejection stays. Your DH needs to get his head straight and start finding ways to parent her from a distance and keep the door open. Or lose her for good

Have not read the whole thread but what decent man leaves his wife, a three year old, a four year old and a six month old baby ? No wonder the x is bitter. What a catch has he got a brother?

He has had 11 years to try be father of the year, and now your blaming his Ex ! Wow talk about deflecting.

Continue on and I am sure SS will pick this up at some point, especially when she goes back to school. Hopefully they can interject and get assessments done, and get to the bottom of this.

I think you know deep down about this, your spider senses have been alerted.

Nothing stopping him from popping in to their activities, was there? My cousin's ex showed up at their soccer games, volleyball games, etc even if it wasn't 'his' time and took them to them when it was. So why shouldn't he have taken them to their activities on his weekends? If they enjoyed them, why should they be deprived of them? Just more excuse-making on his part as to why he 'can't' be an active involved parent.

As to the assessment, yes, he should have been there. Did he know it was supposed to happen? Did he keep in constant contact with his ex to be kept up to date or did he just expect that she would tell him. Because it sounds to me as if he should have expected that she wouldn't (not saying it's right she didn't). But how much of her behaviour in not telling him things is a frustrated response to him not stepping up and being pro-active??

I can imagine my xh's excuses regarding his total lack of relationship with his 3 DDs would run along similar lines OP. All 3 had a phone. I bought the youngest her first one (8 at the time) specifically so she could easily contact her dad. He had all their numbers, they had his. They were all told i would never stand in the way of time they wanted to spend with their dad. What happened?

• At first:

''oh the difficult x wife, she keeps their lives so full there's no room for little meeeeeee. I bet she drips poison in their ears about me.''. So he didn't bother with them.

• then after a couple more years:

''oh the kids are always busy, now their weekends are full of seeing their mates. How can i compete with that? .....''. So he didn't bother with them.

• then:

''oh now there's boyfriends on the scene i don't get a look in, they obviously don't need poor meeeeee''. So he didn't bother with them.

• Now?

Well, they are in their early 20s with lives and jobs and cars of their own. Do they need him? No. He is literally an afterthought in their lives. That's the way he made it. Not me. Not them. His lack of effort.

But i bet the story of ''oh how hard i made it for him and oh how hard he tried but it was no use and oh what a good dad he could have been if only everyone else hadn't made it so hard for him ......'' is the spiel everyone in his life gets fed.

Who's the biggest looser? He is. My girls are wonderful young ladies who are very close to me and each other. We only speak of him occasionally with pity, to wonder what the fuck he was thinking all these years ......

What do i think of him? I'm glad i left the twat. He wasn't worth the years i spent with him. His new wife never sees her son funnily enough. Birds of a feather.

You sound like a kind heart OP. But you need to open your eyes x

Also I hate to suggest it but there's no chance she's being abused in any way and redirecting that onto her dad? I'm always wary of that sort of thing when a young girl starts acting bizarrely for seemingly no reason.

Yeah. Something is happening here and you’re refusing to see it. Poor kid :(

In my post earlier i didn't mention the abuse issue as i have no personal experience with it.

However i must agree with so many experienced previous posters and say that you need to at the very least allow yourself to believe in the CHANCE he might have abused this girl. Otherwise your eyes are closed to a such a massive chunk of the potential picture that it renders you too blind to be able help her.

You accepting that he might be responsible for some kind of abuse at some time wont make it true, and you refusing to believe it wont make it magically untrue.

If what she says is true then you can't change that with your blind faith. If it's false there's nothing for him to be afraid of. If i was him i'd want no stone un-turned until my name was clear and that child was happy again. I'd walk over hot coals to sort it out!

If i was you - i'd want to keep an open mind until i got to the bottom of this rather than keep it closed and my fingers crossed for the rest of my life.

You and your husband deserve each other. Let her biological mum nurture her as the both of you are causing more pain and suffering towards, her from previous posts you obviously care more about your own needs than hers.

@typewrriter12 that's a shitty thing to say. Really shitty. You have no idea who her mother is. 'Nurture' her? Her mums idea of 'nurturing' her is to let her sit there staring at her iPhone for 16 hours,not even making her go to school because she is so scared my stepdaughter will hate her too. It is because of piss poor parenting, yes from my husband but also DEFINITELY from her mother too. You have no idea who her mother is or what she has done.

The judgement here is just horrible. What happened to "be kind"? I'm not asking for peoples views on my husband's parenting.

And to the poster who said they her ex lost his daughters though not bothering, I'm really interested to know what him bothering would have looked to them? Genuinely I'm interested to know because he is trying now. Yes it's taken longer than it should have but he's trying however she doesn't answer. How can you try when it's so one sided? Would your daughters have responded to their father if he had sent them messages?

My last comments was to @Laiste re her daughters.

So she may not answer for a while but she'll still know he's there. The point is he needs to message her regardless of her response. Because he's the adult and she is his child. He makes the effort, always. In childhood, throughout the teenage years, and in adulthood. He puts his feelings aside and actively continues to conform contribute and participate in his daughters life in whatever way he can. His feelings don't matter here

You have said in your OP that your DH didnt see his DC much because she had them doing lots of extra curricular activites at the weekend but now your stating the mothers idea of parenting is to leave her DC on an iphone or 16hrs a day. Doesnt quite ring true i am afraid .....and how would you have any idea?

Your DH hasnt seen his DD for 5mths- he wrote his young DC a letter advising her that he would leave her alone an is now surprised she isnt interested...I am still bemused that on her first day at high school you were picking her up...says alot really.

sorry not OP recent updates

I'm really interested to know what him bothering would have looked to them?

Being interested. Remembering their little events in life. Speaking to them often enough so that it's never awkward. Offering to do things for them/with them and not flouncing or assuming it's personal when it's not convenient for them. Answering their texts the same day. Not giving them the options like being ready at 4.05pm exactly a week next Tuesday or nothing. Explaining what he's doing so he can't be there again for them. Putting himself out even if it only means an hour with them. Knowing what they like. Knowing who they know. Knowing what they don't like. Knowing about little troubles they might be having at school. Listening. Just showing basic love and interest. Being constant and there for them.

But you know all this because you said yourself that your DH is not up to scratch. It's how you would be with your own DC if they suddenly had to live elsewhere. You'd be a constant presence not an occasional one 'trying hard'. You'd be moving heaven and earth to find out what happened if it went wrong.

@hotstepper4
Did you think for one second about the three children all of whom were under 5 years old when you swooped in and wrecked a family ? Did you remember BE KIND or is it just the in thing now ?

Oh do fuck off dear they'd been split up best part of a year when we got together and I am an excellent stepmother with a great relationship with my stepsons and also my stepdaughter, until this.

I'll be leaving this this thread now , thanks to all the kind posters who gave helpful advice, I read every comment and will take it onboard and to all the bun fighters and bored keyboard warriors you should take a good hard look at yourselves I'm sure you're all fucking perfect peoples who never made a poor decision in your lives

So he left his wife at 3 months pregnant ???

@typewrriter12 None of us know the full picture here but can’t you comprehend a pregnant woman might want to split up with someone too? And you don’t have to stay with someone just because they’re pregnant anyway!