To think about her all the time

[hotstepper4]

Okay, so a bit of background: I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years. I have a son who is nine, he has three children: a daughter who is 11, a son who is 10, and a son who is seven. I've been in the children's lives for six years.

For the most part it's been good. I've always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and it was so nice for my son to feel that he had siblings.

In particular I was close to my stepdaughter. We always got on so well. I must admit my friends and family have always found her to be rather rude and aloof, and it's true that she definitely could be. She would ignore my friends if we went out or be rude to my mum. I made excuses for her, tell them that she was tired or shy. To be honest I don't think this was the reason. I'm not putting her down, just giving you background that she has always been hard work however we had a bond and I felt that it was mutual.

She started secondary school in September 2019. I was scheduled to collect her from
school thar first day, I remember being really excited about it, to hear about her first day at school.

As soon as she saw me, she ran. I chased after her and caught her arm. Asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting the school bus and going back to her mums. She said now that she was in secondary school she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do with her life. I said no, you're not, it's your weekend with your dad and you are coming with me. Perhaps I should have just let her go but I was so shocked. She came with me but the whole way she was moaning and crying. Eventually after a while I relented, said I'd take her to her mums. Which I did. I didn't understand but Dh spoke to her mum that night and she said she'd bring dsd round the following morning.

The next morning she came back. We tried to talk to her about what happened the day before, but she just clammed up and started crying. Then later she texted her mum and told her to come and get her, which she did. After that, my stepdaughter started sending my husband horrible text messages. Asking him why was he her dad, she hated him, even called him a bastard. Some people said that this had to be her mother speaking, however knowing my stepdaughter as I do, I am sure that it was her.

Since this we have seen her twice. The first time, was in December. She showed up with her brothers unexpectedly, but then became very annoyed that she did not have any Christmas gifts as we were not expecting her, and ran back to her mothers. The second time my husband showed up to collect her from her drama group. She was awful from the outset. She ran up to our bedroom. I went up to ask her what was going on, and she just kept telling me you know you know. I said I don't know I have no idea, and she said you know about how Dad hits me. My husband has never laid a hand on her, and I am 100% confident about this. She then ran out of the house again, back to her mothers. My husband was really worried about her accusations, he was worried about what would happen to his access to his sons if her accusations were taken seriously. So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

Since then we have heard nothing at all from her. It has been about five months now. She hides from my husband when he dropped the boys off, and on more than one occasion, he has heard her mother laughing at her hiding herself. He's had no support from my stepdaughter's mother she just says that she doesn't want my stepdaughter to hate her too.

My stepdaughter is turning 12 in August. I think about her every day. I think we should send her a card and maybe a gift. But my husband thinks a card is more than enough. He has been hurt beyond belief by this. He doesn't understand and she's never given any reason or explanation for her behaviour. I don't know how to proceed with it. If you text her she doesn't answer. I think I will send a card and sign it from myself her dad and her stepbrother.

It feels like we will never get her back, and it haunts me. I'll be interested to know what other people would do in this position.

Sorry this is long I dictated it because it's so long but I wanted to be clear about the situation and not drip feed.

"I like the idea of him waiting to see if I reply, banging his head against the wall"

Does he reply quickly to her messages? Show up to her concerts? Take her places? Show her attention? Because that sounds like a 12 year old's tit for tat to me. If that is verbatim.

Doesn't sound like either of you like her much anyway. She's probably better off spending more time with Mum.

@Lsquiggles no she has remained single.

As far as I know they have a decent relationship. Dsd never said anything that would make me think otherwise. She would say things sometimes though like how her mum says step mums don't exist etc. Disparaging things about me.

That does not sound like a healthy father-daughter relationship! Why would she imagine him banging his head on the wall if she didn't reply? Is that the kind of thing he's got form for? Was there a lot of drama between them when she was a little girl at primary school?

@PicsInRed he has always been there for her. Took her to little mix concert, he actually had concert tickets booked when she did this.

He always went to all her assemblies and plays.

We do like her, I love her. I think of her every single day.

And I swear, on my own sons life, that my husband has done nothing to her

That is an incredibly foolish and naive thing to say. Combined with your insistence it is "all in her head" it becomes repugnant.

For starters, you have only been in her life for six years.

It may make your world feel safer to keep saying he would not ever have done anything at all, but the fact is you cannot possibly attest to that and continuing to do so is harmful.

@SuperMedium she has always been incredible dramatic yes, once was sick because she had some sand in her shoe and went absolutely ballistic over it. That kind of thing.

So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

This is awful. He should be writing saying he will never leave her alone. That he’s her dad and can never give up on her. Then he should send her silly postcards and notes and little gifts that made him think of her. Birthdays and Christmas she should be invited in a non pressure way and then lovely gifts and cards sent. He should be having regular meetings with her school teacher for updates and to get to the bottom of what’s going on. He should regularly be texting her in a way that doesn’t invite a response like ‘Look at this funny dog I saw’ type thing.

There’s nothing you can do. It’s not your child. But it is your DH and if it was MY DH I would be very very worried about what type of person he is if he’s not doing all of the above.

@user135844794 it is all in her head. I am sure of this. I'm sorry if that's repugnant to you but it's true.

For 5 years she came to us every other weekend and a day in the week. 5 years of happy memories and photos. She was always happy and affectionate to my husband. She was a happy girl though always moody.

She just turned on a die. I know it sounds unlikely but it's true

OP it's clear you care about your step daughter very deeply and I'm so sorry you've lost this important relationship, it must be really hard for you. Her dad needs to continue reaching out no matter how painful it may be for him, this isn't about him.

@Saladmakesmesad I do agree with you.

I have just skimmed some of your other threads and there is one that stands out where you say your partner has two sons. No mention of a daughter. You mention a lack of father-daughter alone time in your posts on this thread (ie. he 100% can't have abused her because you are all together all of the time) and then there is the lack of a Xmas present/birthday present issue as well.

I think what you really need to look at is your partner - he's a petulant man-child who thinks the world revolves around him and his needs. He's hardly covering himself in glory here. Is that the kind of person you want to be with?

Your partner needs to listen to her concerns and address them. He needs to pursue a relationship with his daughter no matter what (assuming no abuse). He needs to ask professionals for support in working things out with this daughter and the very least he needs to do is text her regularly and keep the door open. It doesn't need to be about anything other than 'nice weather' and 'I won the raffle at work this week'. Keep her informed, part of his life. He doesn't want to do that. Why?

Contact her, say you miss her and will always be there for her. Say she is always welcome to visit, or come for tea. Give her a invitation- I would love for you to come to (the cinema/the park/the trip/the meal) we have planned on Xdate with your brothers.

Keep casually inviting her to the things you do with her brothers, she might not accept or even acknowledge, but make sure you invite her with no pressure.

This thread is quite disturbing to read. It seems obvious that this girl is troubled and gas s serious issue with your oh. Why you would write in detail the episode with the school is not clear as it seems to have little to do with what is happening.

Why are you and your oh all focussed on trying to get her to visit again whilst not seeing to care much trying to understand why she is acting the way she is?

You're 100% certain your oh has not hit her but clearly something did happen. Kids don't see their dad and step family regularly and happily and then suddenly decide they want nothing to do with them and act distressed.

I think your oh passivity in this is odd and I would question why he isn't more involved in trying to understand where things have gone so wrong. Personally whether he did hit her or not, I think he is hiding some things from you.

@Lostmyshityear9 he's terrified of her accusations and worries that he could be investigated. He worries that her accusations could get worse if he presses her against her will.

He is scared he'll lose his boys over it.

@dontdisturbmenow I just wanted to set the scene as that was the day this all began.

I agree my husband should be doing more. I know why he isn't but I agree he should be and this is something I will discuss with him again.

[quote hotstepper4]@Mumoblue Sad fact is we have contacted social services. And they said they couldn't help due to her age. They said that age of 11, she decided she wanted to stop saying my husband, there was nothing they could do about it.[/quote]
People weren’t suggesting your husband contact social services to help him get what he wants.

They were suggesting he contact them to get his daughter the help she needs

Despite what he thinks it’s not all about him.

[quote hotstepper4]@Lostmyshityear9 he's terrified of her accusations and worries that he could be investigated. He worries that her accusations could get worse if he presses her against her will.

He is scared he'll lose his boys over it.[/quote]
He’s basically ignoring the fact that his DD is screaming out that something horrific has happened to her at some point because it might be very difficult for him for a while whilst it’s investigated

Do you think he should be contacting ss again? We did see a lawyer who suggested group therapy however dsd refused to attend and her dm refused to bring her against her will

#Ibelieveher
I think you need to find out what is happening between your SD and her dad. If the recent exposures of abuse and bullying have shown anything, it is that so much is hidden, even from people who you might think would know. So even though you trust your DH, don't discount your SD's comments. Not to accuse your DH, but if he really is hitting her and no one is accepting that and helping her, how must she feel? If you are not acknowledging her true situation, she will see you as a hypocrite and an enemy.

If she's in senior school, she is old enough to be taken seriously. Not doing so will definitely damage your and his relationship with her. Young people that age know their minds and they can be very black and white. If you are reaching out to her while ignoring or denying her claims that he hits her, she will continue to refuse contact.

If your DH is not hitting her and wants a relationship with her, he should continue to treat her like a daughter and keep communicating positively: gifts, cards, letters, texts, whatever.

he's terrified of her accusations and worries that he could be investigated. He worries that her accusations could get worse if he presses her against her will.He is scared he'll lose his boys over it

There is nothing to fear if no abuse has taken place. The boys can make it clear that nothing has happened to them. However, his daughter is stating abuse has taken place. Why would he not want that investigated?

They split when she was pg from what I understand the last pg was a mistake and she decided to go it alone

Seriously, is that what he told you? I highly doubt that.

He left when she was pregnant, DS1 was 2-3 and DD was 3-4 and then hooked up with you and your 6-month old baby.

Sounds like a really lousy dad to his own DC.

There’s clearly something wrong somewhere in this poor little girl’s life.
She’s crying out for help and attention.

she has always been incredible dramatic yes, once was sick because she had some sand in her shoe and went absolutely ballistic over it. That kind of thing.

Do you have any other examples like this? This sounds like quite big sensory issues. Not necessarily “dramatic” if she genuinely is really affected by it - she wouldn’t be choosing to be like that.

You say her mum doesn’t like you, doesn’t believe in step mums - isn’t it quite likely she has encouraged this feeling in her daughter and this might have led to this situation? Especially with what you say about her hiding your phone number because her mum wouldn’t like it.

Why is everyone blaming her father. You don’t know that for sure he abused her. She doesn’t want contact and her mum is saying to stop contacting her. Do people expect him to be knocking on her door every day? Everyone is saying why are you concerned that there is a possibility of her being abused but what about her own mother? Her mother is seemingly unhelpful and doesn’t seem to care about the situation. How do we know that she hasn’t made this all up and has a mental health problem. I remember reading a thread a few weeks ago about how well do you get on with your siblings. And a few were saying how their siblings have lied about their parents abusing them which have actually turned out to be false.

My advice is to write her a letter in the birthday card with gift as well. Perhaps you could get her brother to talk to her about it seeing as the mum won’t help. Surely the brother is also finding it hard.

Thanks again everyone. I have to leave this for a few hours now but will check back in later