To think about her all the time

[hotstepper4]

Okay, so a bit of background: I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years. I have a son who is nine, he has three children: a daughter who is 11, a son who is 10, and a son who is seven. I've been in the children's lives for six years.

For the most part it's been good. I've always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and it was so nice for my son to feel that he had siblings.

In particular I was close to my stepdaughter. We always got on so well. I must admit my friends and family have always found her to be rather rude and aloof, and it's true that she definitely could be. She would ignore my friends if we went out or be rude to my mum. I made excuses for her, tell them that she was tired or shy. To be honest I don't think this was the reason. I'm not putting her down, just giving you background that she has always been hard work however we had a bond and I felt that it was mutual.

She started secondary school in September 2019. I was scheduled to collect her from
school thar first day, I remember being really excited about it, to hear about her first day at school.

As soon as she saw me, she ran. I chased after her and caught her arm. Asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting the school bus and going back to her mums. She said now that she was in secondary school she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do with her life. I said no, you're not, it's your weekend with your dad and you are coming with me. Perhaps I should have just let her go but I was so shocked. She came with me but the whole way she was moaning and crying. Eventually after a while I relented, said I'd take her to her mums. Which I did. I didn't understand but Dh spoke to her mum that night and she said she'd bring dsd round the following morning.

The next morning she came back. We tried to talk to her about what happened the day before, but she just clammed up and started crying. Then later she texted her mum and told her to come and get her, which she did. After that, my stepdaughter started sending my husband horrible text messages. Asking him why was he her dad, she hated him, even called him a bastard. Some people said that this had to be her mother speaking, however knowing my stepdaughter as I do, I am sure that it was her.

Since this we have seen her twice. The first time, was in December. She showed up with her brothers unexpectedly, but then became very annoyed that she did not have any Christmas gifts as we were not expecting her, and ran back to her mothers. The second time my husband showed up to collect her from her drama group. She was awful from the outset. She ran up to our bedroom. I went up to ask her what was going on, and she just kept telling me you know you know. I said I don't know I have no idea, and she said you know about how Dad hits me. My husband has never laid a hand on her, and I am 100% confident about this. She then ran out of the house again, back to her mothers. My husband was really worried about her accusations, he was worried about what would happen to his access to his sons if her accusations were taken seriously. So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

Since then we have heard nothing at all from her. It has been about five months now. She hides from my husband when he dropped the boys off, and on more than one occasion, he has heard her mother laughing at her hiding herself. He's had no support from my stepdaughter's mother she just says that she doesn't want my stepdaughter to hate her too.

My stepdaughter is turning 12 in August. I think about her every day. I think we should send her a card and maybe a gift. But my husband thinks a card is more than enough. He has been hurt beyond belief by this. He doesn't understand and she's never given any reason or explanation for her behaviour. I don't know how to proceed with it. If you text her she doesn't answer. I think I will send a card and sign it from myself her dad and her stepbrother.

It feels like we will never get her back, and it haunts me. I'll be interested to know what other people would do in this position.

Sorry this is long I dictated it because it's so long but I wanted to be clear about the situation and not drip feed.

OP you know deep down something has triggered this, blame the girl, her mum, everyone is responsible but your DH eh?

Hope you firmly keep your rose tinted glasses in place, would hate for your bubble to burst, and it will.

Not that it matters or has any bearings on this issues but my Dh and his ex nearly split up when the older two were 3 and 2, then made another go of it. She then accidentally became pg with my youngest ss and decided to move in with her mother as didn't think their marriage would survive a third child.

Again though I don't see why this is relevant. I suppose it will make people start baying about how Dh was a shit father even back then. It's true he isn't a natural father. He has to work at it. But he does. So many men just walk out on their dc completely but he wouldn't dream of it. He has always been there as much as he has been allowed to be. He's attended every assembly, school play, parents evening. He's never once missed contact. He has always paid plenty of child maintenance. We've had more beautiful times with those children than I can count. That's why all this came as a terrible shock as my Dh really did, and does love her very much. It's just very hard when she makes no contact in return however I'm optimistic that one day she will.

This sounds like a horribly stressful situation for all concerned. Especially your stepdaughter

Since the change in her behaviour was so very sudden and she shakes in her father's presence, I would be exceptionally concerned that something has happened to her to cause this.

It may be something your husband has done that you don't know about. It may be something someone else has done and she is projecting her feelings and fear onto her father. Either way, it is worrying. Children don't just get up one day and decide they are petrified of their father when up until then, there has been no issue.

Do you get on with her mum? Could you speak to her on your own about things and see if you can work it out between you? Or would your stepdaughter meet you on her own? I know it's tricky at the moment due to lockdown but on a nice day you could meet her at a park?

Your posts constantly contradict each other - so I did what you shouldnt and searched and found your posts often contradict each other even more including one where you say you met when he was still married!

@hotstepper4

Not that it matters or has any bearings on this issues but my Dh and his ex nearly split up when the older two were 3 and 2, then made another go of it. She then accidentally became pg with my youngest ss and decided to move in with her mother as didn't think their marriage would survive a third child.

Again though I don't see why this is relevant. I suppose it will make people start baying about how Dh was a shit father even back then. It's true he isn't a natural father. He has to work at it. But he does. So many men just walk out on their dc completely but he wouldn't dream of it. He has always been there as much as he has been allowed to be. He's attended every assembly, school play, parents evening. He's never once missed contact. He has always paid plenty of child maintenance. We've had more beautiful times with those children than I can count. That's why all this came as a terrible shock as my Dh really did, and does love her very much. It's just very hard when she makes no contact in return however I'm optimistic that one day she will.

He wouldn’t dream of walking away?

That’s exactly what he’s done. After a few months of not getting his own way he walked away and gave up on his child.

If you know something has gone drastically wrong with your child, or something has happened to them, you fight. You don’t give up and feel nothing.

Your husband walked away right when his DD needed him to step up the most.

@Quartz2208 wow you have a lot of time on your hands. Do you have any advice on my bad neck or my cats latest kill as I recently posted about them too

Pumpkin thank you.

I know that at the beginning of this it was very stressful for my stepdaughter. Now, to be honest I'm not sure if she gives us a second thought. It's been so long.

@lyralalala he did try in the beginning.

He went up to meet her from school and she ran away. He told her mum he'd try and meet her off the bus, her mum told her and she deliberately got off early. She deliberately ignored his texts as, in her own words she "likes the thought of him waiting to see if I answer, banging his head against the wall" she refused to come to a therapy session he organised. He did not just give up without any fight she made it as impossible as she could for him to see her and once she began accusing him of abusing her then yes, he completely backed off as he was worried about how severe her accusations could get.

Well it sounds like she really doesn't like him. I am sure there is a reason for that. . ...and I am sure you will tell me it's her mum.....and so on and so on.

I’m confused because in a post from April this year you said:

“Dh has 2 dc, my ss10 and ss7. Usual contact is eow and one day in week”

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3892059-that-she-shouldn-t-be-sending-them-to-school

Yes I didn't include my dsd in that post because she wasn't part of the equation and wasn't seeing Dh. Hence I didn't see the need to mention her. Should I have said ss10, ss7 and sd11 who doesn't see us anyway due to a very painful matter entirely unrelated to this post?

It would have completely derailed the post (kind of like this one has) 🤨

That post iirc was due to the fact that their mum had chosen to send them to school instead of letting Dh look after them, in a pandemic.

You just can't help slagging off their mum can you? In one post you were bemoaning that she doesn't do anything with her children..in another that she had arranged these activities that your husband couldn't be bothered to take them to...now you ate being negative because the go to school 'in the middle of a pandemic'...
I bet your husband is really negative about her isn't he?

[quote hotstepper4]@lyralalala he did try in the beginning.

He went up to meet her from school and she ran away. He told her mum he'd try and meet her off the bus, her mum told her and she deliberately got off early. She deliberately ignored his texts as, in her own words she "likes the thought of him waiting to see if I answer, banging his head against the wall" she refused to come to a therapy session he organised. He did not just give up without any fight she made it as impossible as she could for him to see her and once she began accusing him of abusing her then yes, he completely backed off as he was worried about how severe her accusations could get.[/quote]
Did he keep on at the school?

Explain to social services that she was alleging abuse?

Did he bang and shout at all the people that could help his DD? School, lado, GP?

No, he backed off to protect himself. Rather than protecting his daughter.

Op I'm sorry your DSD situation is so stressful. I posted on your other thread about your next door neighbour (and I hope they turned out to be nice when they moved in and not noisy etc).

On that thread, you talked about being anxious and usually out of the house for 14 hours a day unlike now. I wonder if this is all getting to you and making the situation with worrying about your husband his relationship, and yours, with DSD worse than it would be if you were at work as usual?

I've got this sense that the thread is going round in circles now. You've explained your worry and regret about the situation and you've posted to ask what people would do in this situation.

Posters have raised questions about your DH. At this point, you're not willing to entertain the idea that he's done anything wrong. You had advice on the birthday thing, and lots of people have said they would just keep on trying to contact and letting the girl, who's 12, know that he's there and you're there for her if and when she's ready to have a relationship.

On another thread you said the ten year old DSS only wants to come to your place if you wait on him hand and foot, and the seven year old DSS is the rudest child you've come across.

You blame the mother for this (spoiling the kids). On this thread people have criticized your DH for leaving the mum when he did, you've said you weren't the OW.

I'm going to offer the point of view (remember, you asked what others would do in this situation), that the key/crux of all this is your DSD's mum. I'm not going to speculate on whether or not she's justified in how she's behaved towards your DH (other PPs have done that), but if I look at your responses on this thread and things you've said on other threads, I take away that you're an anxious person, and one who hasn't had a great last 12 months, and (b) that you perceive your DSCs mother to behave badly towards your DH and to parent her DC badly and I think you blame her for the behaviour of your DSD, consciously or not.

If any of this rings true for you, I'd think about this a bit more, and what it might mean.

I hope this is helpful OP.

Around that age it became a real drag going to visot my bio dad. I had a bad relationship with my step mum, no possessions or space of my own in their house and all i wanted was my weekend at home in my own room to do my own thing, not be an awkward guest in a house where everything was different. I felt like I missed so many social events and I barely spent any real time with my father at that point, I would just go and hang out with a nearby neighbour kid. Sp as soon as I was old enough I opted out and said no more and basically wrote a very hurtful letter to him explaining why I wasn't coming every other weekend... mostly I couldn't stand my step mother. My letter was very blunt and probably hurt tbeir feelings. I know they decided that summer to go to Pompeii, somewhere I had dreamed of going my whole life, so I presume it was a sort of punishment that my. Choice to not visit anymore meant I missed the trip of a lifetime.

I suggest you keep up the birthday and xmas gifts same as normal, but wait for her to come back to you guys. Make sure she knows no bridges have been burnt. But don't expect it to happen. High school years are hard and routine changes like different homes and beds at weekends are so disruptive.

@agonyauntie2020 your post is so accurate it's made me cry. Everything you said is correct. Everything is so hard right now. My anxiety is terrible, I can't work due to a neck injury that I am praying won't be permanent.

I'm cut off from all my support network because of Covid, like a lot of people are. I'm not doing well. I know it seems like I've pointed the finger at my stepdaughter's mum and it's true I do feel that she could do more to help. Being completely honest however the only person who is really to blame is me. I spent more time with her than anyone when she was here. I should have known she was miserable. I felt that we had a lot of love for each other and I was completely blindsided when she did what she did. It's probably true that I miss her more than my husband does. A lot of the time I feel so not in control of my own life and I thought if I could fix this and it will be something horrible that is in my life that wouldn't be there anymore. Selfish I guess. I just didn't want my stepdaughter to grow up as I did, with a big hole in her heart where her dad should be. And my dad was a violent abuser and I still tried to have a relationship with him. I kept trying. I just wish she would try. He's trying now but she isn't trying back.

Perhaps there is no fixing it and I just have to get on with my life, and allow her to get on with hers. I'm just so sad of the situation.

Oh OP I realise now that with your change in tone of posts that is how you feel - your perspective changes I think depending on your modd.

Why do you not feel so in control of your own life?

Are you receiving any counselling? I wonder if your relationship with your Dad has skewed your relationships so you cannot see how damaging your husband not been bothered is. Everything you do or say is measured against your violent father that you cant see how potentially damaging the environment in your own home is.

It is easy to blame your DSD and her mother because then you dont need to look at or question how it is for you anymore.

Good luck OP I have a feeling you need it

So no evidence of abuse but ineffective or absent parents. She knows she wasn't or isn't wanted, there is no bond. No wonder shes difficult, she has no memory of parents together, this will affect her.
This isn't your problem, its for her parents to resolve if they can work together. You can only support from the sideline. You have sent kindness, she will know that. I hope she gets help but you should back off now. This may improve later but wishing it won't make it so. Take care of yourself, counselling if you need it. Try to get some distance

@hotstepper4

I'm so sorry. Your latest update is so sad and I hope your neck injury doesn't turn out to be something that stops you working and causes you pain, but rather, something that resolves.

I know how awful and debilitating anxiety is and how easy it is to fix on things that you're worrying about rather than things that are going ok. I wonder if you can get some online therapy help right now, or some other help from the doctor for anxiety, recognising what a crap situation it is now, cut off from normal networks and supports?

You're blaming yourself now about your DSD and I doubt that's right either - more likely might be a combo don't you think, of her, him, her mum, you, the dynamics -- it's not likely to be all your fault for not 'reading' her better. It's how the situation has worked out and I'd be in favour of doing what others have said, keep letting her know you're (both) there for her, and don't give up on her, and try to cut yourself some slack. Here you are, on this thread, worrying, thinking about her all the time, hoping and wishing things were different for DSD and DH and you, someone oblivious to things and not sensitive and not caring about her wouldn't be doing that.

Hugs and wishes for some peace, however you find it.

OP, please don't let the vipers here get to you. There are some very cruel and bitter women on MN who get some kind of thrill out of being vile.

Pity them.

I wanted to update this one, latest is that my SD has admitted to her mum that Dh never abused her in any way and that she said he did because he had screen limits and she didn't want to have her phone taken away, this is also why she doesn't want to see him.

She still ignores his messages and doesn't want to see him. This is over her phone? I am .. I don't even know what I am. This isn't normal is it? Can't be. Should we even have her in our life? She could have destroyed my Dhs life over being annoyed because he didn't want her on her phone 24 hours a day.

I just wanted to update this for all the people on this thread who believed her without question just because she was an 11 yo girl. For everyone who said my Dh was an abuser and I was an enabler.

Seems my hunch was right all along and she is a disturbed and soulless girl.

She's still just a child at 12, I can't believe you're suggesting cutting off a child! There definitely should be a discussion about how dangerous it is to lie about such serious allegations and what the consequences of that could be if the police became involved for both her father and her when the lie was revealed. Her mother should probably be the one to have this conversation and she's the only parental figure she's currently talking with. If your partner really feels the need to he could write a letter explaining why he was hurt without going into too much detail. It doesn't need to be about him but just to get across some of the impact of what she did without blaming too much and most of all reaching out.
Then you need to review your relationship with her and what the boundaries at your house are and see if you can come to a compromise. Treat her like the almost teen she is, she has some agency and should be allowed to voice how she feels about going to her father's house. Maybe explain why you have certain rules but set milestones or make her earn certain privileges.
You can't cut off your DSD, she's just a child who needs to learn from this and to regain a relationship with her father, perhaps one where you're less involved than before.