. . . to think MIL must not like me?

[TempNameJustForNow]

I'm not usually a sensitive little soul but I'm starting to think that MIL doesn't like me and is showing it in little passive aggressive ways. The latest is that, for my 40th birthday in December, I received a pair of grey tights from her as a gift. Normally I'd think, okay, weird present and it's a shame I'd never wear them (black, yes, but not grey) but she's not obliged to give me a present and it's nice that she made the gesture.

However, I then discovered that she gave DH's brother's girlfriend a sizeable sum of US dollars for her 31st birthday, which was 3 weeks after mine, as she was going on holiday.

There are so many other little things that in isolation mean nothing, but cumulatively make me think there's a dislike there. Other examples are - when I send her photos or videos of DD (her only grandchild) she either ignores them or says something disparaging - once when I put a bow in DD's hair she just said "looks like she's got toothache"; just before DD was born I'd said that I absolutely would not be filling the house with pink as I hate the colour, and I dislike dolls etc. . . . the next time I saw her she had a pink doll for DD.

Am I imagining this? And if not, should I just stop making an effort with her . . . ?

Make the same effort back send her some American tan tights for her birthday

Errr talk to your husband? 🤷‍♀️

If you feel that something is off, it probably is. Is your husband the golden child by any chance?

Errrr he's not exactly going to be objective, @overnightangel

Oh I'm very tempted to do that, @slipperywhensparticus

I actually don't think there's a 'golden child' in the family - out of the three, he's probably done 'best' in terms of career and house and family etc. but I wouldn't say golden child. In fact she's much softer on DH's brother who still lives at home rent-free even though he's in his early 30's.

Did this start after your daughter was born?

No, @Aquamarine1029 - DD is only 6 months old and, thinking back, it's been going on for a while.

I would stop making any effort.
And I’d be very clear to my DH why.
Someone gave me a shitty present for a birthday (not a big birthday) she was quick enough to tell me what expensive gift she wanted, I asked for a bottle of perfume (SJP lovely in case anyone wants to know) she asked for Chanel etc.
She bought me a cheap high street bottle less than £10, on opening it appeared used. So I gave it back to her and she went mad! Saying how ungrateful I was. I blasted back at her and walked out. Some might say I was ungrateful but it was the latest in a long line of unappreciative gifts and I’d had enough. My life is lighter without her.

She doesn’t sound very nice. I’d stop sending her messages etc. Let DH deal with it. Also leave the gift giving to him.

just before DD was born I'd said that I absolutely would not be filling the house with pink as I hate the colour, and I dislike dolls etc. . . . the next time I saw her she had a pink doll for DD.

Did it start after or before your daughter was born?

I agree btw, I don't think she likes you.

Your NBU about the bday present

You are being unreasonable for pushing your dislikes/prejudices on to that of your daughter - kids like dolls. Get over it.

Let dh deal with the passive aggressive botch.

@7yo7yo that's so cheeky of her, asking for expensive perfume . . . MIL has never asked for a certain gift and she'd never expect anything expensive, so thankfully that's not an issue!

Cut contact with her (from your immediate family) right down. That should solve the problem one way or another.

The birthday thing would probably annoy me a bit tbh. 40th is a milestone, 31st is not. The doll thing wouldn't bother me. You don't like pink, but she didn't buy it for you, she bought it for your daughter and sadly there often isn't a huge range of different colours to choose from where dolls are concerned- blame the manufacturers who seem to only make dolls in pink, pink or pink.

@ivfgottostaypositive refusing to paint the nursery pink and not forcing dolls into DD when she's a tiny baby isn't pushing my dislikes/prejudices on anyone. Bit of a leap, there.

Just don't have any dealings with her

*onto DD

kids like dolls. Get over it.

6 month olds don’t really give a shit.

She’s no fan of yours. I would mirror her behaviour don’t go all sucky up

Why a doll, though, @Daftodil - there are so many lovely toys out there. When I buy presents for friends or family babies I always get something that I think the parents will like as well as the child. I'd never buy something that I know for a fact the mother or father wouldn't like or agree with.

I do think that any one of the hundreds of little things by itself wouldn't mean anything, but taken all together . . .

I've just thought of another one. I dislike most vegetables and know very little about sport. When it was MIL's turn to do the fortnightly zoom quiz recently, there was an entire round based on vegetables and the rest of the questions were either sport or English literature-based (I'm Irish and haven't read a lot of the classic English stuff - she knows this very well as we've talked about it).

I'm actually giggling now because it's a bit funny, when I think about it

These are the sorts of things MIL has done to me. About 6 months ago I grew fed up.
I am actually far happier without her passive aggressive tendencies.
Can you go lower contact with her?

You don't want your daughter to have dolls?

Hi TempNameJustForNow. I'm against gender based stereotypes so I tell people not to buy pink or blue clothes, or gender specific toys for my son. I understand how you feel. If we have a girl I'll be irritated if anyone buys her a dress lol Anyway, just wanted to say that although it seems like your MIL is snide it doesn't actually matter in the scheme of things. Who cares what an in law thinks about you. We don't choose them, it's just a DH and his crew come as a set. I used to care what the in laws thought and had what I thought to be a good relationship but then life happens and I realised it's not rainbows and unicorns. Stop trying to get her to like you. Make zero effort. Give bad gifts to charity including little dresses hehe Remind her that you prefer to avoid girly stuff. Basically detach from her emotionally and see her for what she is - your daughter's grandma x

"I would mirror her behaviour"
Excellent advice. No effort for her birthday, cheap random present. Or just get DH to deal with her birthday as long as you can be certain he'll 'forget'. And stop sending her photos or videos of your DD. If she whines about that, leave it to her son to deal with.