. . . to think MIL must not like me?

[TempNameJustForNow]

I'm not usually a sensitive little soul but I'm starting to think that MIL doesn't like me and is showing it in little passive aggressive ways. The latest is that, for my 40th birthday in December, I received a pair of grey tights from her as a gift. Normally I'd think, okay, weird present and it's a shame I'd never wear them (black, yes, but not grey) but she's not obliged to give me a present and it's nice that she made the gesture.

However, I then discovered that she gave DH's brother's girlfriend a sizeable sum of US dollars for her 31st birthday, which was 3 weeks after mine, as she was going on holiday.

There are so many other little things that in isolation mean nothing, but cumulatively make me think there's a dislike there. Other examples are - when I send her photos or videos of DD (her only grandchild) she either ignores them or says something disparaging - once when I put a bow in DD's hair she just said "looks like she's got toothache"; just before DD was born I'd said that I absolutely would not be filling the house with pink as I hate the colour, and I dislike dolls etc. . . . the next time I saw her she had a pink doll for DD.

Am I imagining this? And if not, should I just stop making an effort with her . . . ?

Was she nice when you were first on the scene? Did something happen/change? It does sound deliberate - the tights thing is weird and I would have thought she was just tight-fisted but clearly not the case if she gave BILs GF a decent present.

Give her a pair of grey tights for her birthday, you presumably have a pair lying around!

Don't text or call her. Leave birthdays, Xmas and Mother's Day cards to your DH. Back right off.

And when she moans - which she will - you can sweetly point out to your DH that she is his mother not yours. But that if he wants you are quite happy to give her the present that she gave you for your 40th - and then pull out the tights.

You don't want your daughter to have dolls?

Oh FFS she's 6 months old. She doesn't want a bloody doll, most of which are choking hazards at that age anyway.

I didn't want bullshit pink fluff everywhere because I had a girl. DD went through a Barbie phase, there are Barbies in my house. Because if she expresses an interest, that's her interest. If she doesn't, the pink shit stays in the shop. Thank fuck she now likes snakes, rock climbing, piano and art. All of which were her random likes.

You can go through life not forcing gendered crap on your children.

OP did your dh really not say anything when his mother gave you a pai of grey tights for your birthday? Not even to you?

once when I put a bow in DD's hair she just said "looks like she's got toothache" sorry but this did make me laugh what was DD's expression like in the picture?!

@CodenameVillanelle I'd rather avoid her growing up thinking girls play with dolls and play house and boys play with cars and tools and build things etc. I'm not militant about it though - when she's old enough to express preferences and if she gravitates towards that stuff, then of course that's fine. She can pink and glitter and dolly to her heart's content - if that's what she chooses.

It's the conditioning I'm trying to avoid. It wasn't (and still isn't) a big deal - I just thought it was funny when one week I have a conversation with MIL about my own dislikes and then the next week for her to turn up with that dislike, squared

@ChatWithMe why are dresses not ok? Does gender neutral mean everyone has to be in “Male” clothes? Why are all female clothes bad?

She doesn't like you. Might be because of you or might be because of her feelings towards her son (either she feels you stole him away/ you're not good enough etc, or he is the least favoured child and by extension she doesn't want to make an effort with you either)

In fairness to MIL, @CrazyTimesAreOccurring, the bow was white and that kind of soft stretchy hairband-type. So because it was white, it did look a bit like a bandage

I didn't get worked up about it because it was mostly a joke in the first place - I'm not a fan of putting bows and clips in babies' hair, I was spoofing my sister (who loves all that stuff!)

I love how everyone is steering off on a tangent here.

OP can I suggest some truly dreadful Irish gifts from the O’Blarney Begorrah House of Gifts? Irish accent a spray kind of thing?

Not the point of the thread but I didnt like dresses on my babies. When they are little and lying down and kicking their legs in the air it shows their nappy / nappy under tights and just rides up. They then got in the way at the next stage when they were crawling. They were great and practical when they were toddlers but now they're older not so good again as keep having to change out of them when they want to climb trees because they snag, or ride bikes as they get caught on the wheels.

@Daisyhut
Me too, I’m a bit mystified by someone being offended at a girl being bought a dress.
We are what we are, not everything has to be gender neutral, has a girl to wear trousers all the time? assuming a male appearance? surely that’s just as bad?

@TempNameJustForNow

I'm not usually a sensitive little soul but I'm starting to think that MIL doesn't like me and is showing it in little passive aggressive ways. The latest is that, for my 40th birthday in December, I received a pair of grey tights from her as a gift. Normally I'd think, okay, weird present and it's a shame I'd never wear them (black, yes, but not grey) but she's not obliged to give me a present and it's nice that she made the gesture.

However, I then discovered that she gave DH's brother's girlfriend a sizeable sum of US dollars for her 31st birthday, which was 3 weeks after mine, as she was going on holiday.

There are so many other little things that in isolation mean nothing, but cumulatively make me think there's a dislike there. Other examples are - when I send her photos or videos of DD (her only grandchild) she either ignores them or says something disparaging - once when I put a bow in DD's hair she just said "looks like she's got toothache"; just before DD was born I'd said that I absolutely would not be filling the house with pink as I hate the colour, and I dislike dolls etc. . . . the next time I saw her she had a pink doll for DD.

Am I imagining this? And if not, should I just stop making an effort with her . . . ?

Is that the GF of the son that lives at home still and she's soft on by any chance?

I have the exact same with DH's DF & SM. e.g. they gift a bottle of wine for my birthday - and a designer hoody to my equivalent counterpart. It's so blatant. They also do similar to my DH though, so not just me. I know it irks DH but neither of us can do much about it. Quite possible there's a liking issue, you just have to train yourself not to care if there is, or find a way to reduce contact if you do care.

I think, reading replies, that I'm probably right in feeling MIL harbours some sort of negative emotion towards me. I honestly can't say why; we've never been close but I thought we got on quite well. I've certainly made an effort to include her in things, especially since DD was born because she absolutely loves babies - can't get enough of them - so I thought she'd be a doting grandma.

I probably wouldn't go so far as to mirror her behaviour - that would feel like I'm being passive-aggressive right back! - but perhaps I shouldn't be quite so diligent in keeping her updated with DD's milestones etc. Just let the effort level drop a little.

Genius, @Boscoismyspiritanimal

Totally agree, @OoohTheStatsDontLie - I really dislike the way dresses ride up; totally impractical.

But yeah, that's a thread derailment

It is, @lyralalala. To qualify it though, I don't think she treats her kids massively differently; but the brother who lives at home is pretty selfish and immature so perhaps she did at some point.

I think my MIL actually does like me but she can't help herself. After all, I committed the crime of the century and married her only child. She makes incredibly hurtful comments "without realising" and then wonders why I would want to see less of her

We had a big row a couple of years back and I stopped making any effort whatsoever. No more baby photos, no more texts, no more birthday/Christmas gift shopping - left it all to DH. His mother, his problem. Life is much easier now.

Agree that your MIL's Christmas present should be a pack of grey tights, or worse - a green pair! In any case, you don't care, your DH is taking care of it, isn't he?!

As for the doll, chuck it in a cupboard until your DD is old enough to decide if she is a pink doll type of girl.

Will you have a turn at doing a Zoom quiz? Can you ask loads of questions on topics everyone but her is likely to know? Fight fire with fire...

Haha I like your post MrsTerryPratchett.

When it comes to dresses, each to their own. However I notice that little girls can't do proper rough and tumble play in a dress (if they're gonna wear shorts underneath for privacy they might as well just wear shorts). I also notice their long hair gets in their eyes (so if I had a girl it'd be in a pony tail or short all the time). Two things little boys don't often have to worry about when they play. So it's more of a practical thing. If when they get older they want to glam themselves up that's fine to some degree. Once grown up ain't nothing wrong with a woman in a dress unless you're a builder perhaps hehe

@ChatWithMe
You said you’d be offended by a dress, that’s nothing to do with practicality.

@BilboBercow - when I opened it we were both a bit mystified; out of sheer instinctive politeness I didn't say what I was really thinking (which was "huh? Tights? Why? WTF?!") but we both acknowledged it as being a bit odd.

Just the thing!!

I'd say don't bother with her much and most importantly, stop sending her photos of your DD, she doesn't deserve it. You can mention it to your husband but don't expect much understanding... Men and their mums.. 🙄 I mean there are exceptions of course