. . . to think MIL must not like me?

[TempNameJustForNow]

I'm not usually a sensitive little soul but I'm starting to think that MIL doesn't like me and is showing it in little passive aggressive ways. The latest is that, for my 40th birthday in December, I received a pair of grey tights from her as a gift. Normally I'd think, okay, weird present and it's a shame I'd never wear them (black, yes, but not grey) but she's not obliged to give me a present and it's nice that she made the gesture.

However, I then discovered that she gave DH's brother's girlfriend a sizeable sum of US dollars for her 31st birthday, which was 3 weeks after mine, as she was going on holiday.

There are so many other little things that in isolation mean nothing, but cumulatively make me think there's a dislike there. Other examples are - when I send her photos or videos of DD (her only grandchild) she either ignores them or says something disparaging - once when I put a bow in DD's hair she just said "looks like she's got toothache"; just before DD was born I'd said that I absolutely would not be filling the house with pink as I hate the colour, and I dislike dolls etc. . . . the next time I saw her she had a pink doll for DD.

Am I imagining this? And if not, should I just stop making an effort with her . . . ?

[TheFaerieQueene]

Do you think she has an issue with you being Irish?

[Fleamaker123]

I wouldn't 'fight with fire' as someone suggested.. that would make things worse! But I appreciate her behaviour is very hurtful. I think you have to just see her as mother in law, she doesn't want a close relationship. So just keep it polite, nothing mire. She's a very silly woman.

[Fleamaker123]

*nothing more

[Nevertouchakoala]

@TheFaerieQueene I was thinking the same thing. Sounds like old school racism to me.

[TempNameJustForNow]

You know, it never occurred to me for one second that it might be because I'm Irish! But no, I don't think that's the case. At least, I really hope it isn't. Perhaps an "All About Ireland" zoom quiz is in order just in case

I'm not sure about the high-earner thing either. But then, who knows what goes on in peoples' heads.

I'm inclined to think it's just another aspect of her rather difficult personality - she can be quite fragile, but then very opinionated almost as if to compensate. And sometimes very odd.

@TeaForTara my sending photos and updates to MIL is nothing to do with "meekly accepting wifework" and everything to do with the fact that DH is working all day, whereas I'm with DD and usually the one taking the photos of the milestones etc. Up until my recent realisation that there could be something 'wrong', it would have been silly to send them to DH and ask him to forward them to his mum and tell her X,Y,Z happened.

[DisgruntledGuineaPig]

I have missed if you said, is the girlfriend who got the money the girlfriend of the favoured child? That would explain a lot, if he is the spoilt one, then she might make more effort with his girlfriend than her other son's wife, if that son's good opinion is considered more important. (Even if your DH is the son that has achieved the most.)

I would echo those who say step back and make no effort anymore. Don't send photos or arrange meet ups, presume your husband is managing the relationship with his mother. You clearly aren't friends, she's not your Mum. She doesn't seem to want a close relationship, so stop bothering, turn up when your DH arranges for you all to see her. Be polite as you would with any guest in your house when your DH invites her over. Don't make any effort. (And surely your DH can buy his mother gifts, you don't need to be involved at all).

[DisgruntledGuineaPig]

oh don't send photos to DH and ask him to forward them to his Mum. You send them to him while he's at work as a "look at you gorgeous daughter today" - if he choses to then send them on to his Mum, that's his choice. Not your job to even think about it.

[Menaimum]

I think you're right, she's doesn't like you. It could be personal but it's more likely that dd is proof that your DH will never centre her in his life again (which is the right thing for your family).
Just wanted to note as well that the golden child doesn't have to be the good or successful one. It's often the one she can most control and manipulatively holds closest.
Go LC and let DH take responsibility for Comms. But he's allowed to make that responsibility manifest as LC or NC too in which case of course you'd support him in that.
I don't dislike my mil but I won't take mental load for presents and stuff so to her I seem LC when actually her son is too lazy to read a calendar!
For Xmas suggest DH gets her some tacky 🎅 print tights or similar. When she say wtf he can say "oh after OP's birthday I thought we were do comedy useless gifts now".
(though it would be better for the environment not to gift at all- that's my excuse)

[Littleshortcake]

I wouldn't engage with her at all. Let dh sort presents and send photos. Be very polite but just don't get too involved. You know you are the better person.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I do love the idea of an Ireland theme to your next Zoom meeting quiz!


Whether there's a reason behind it (Irish, high earning) she's not being nice to her so I'd downgrade your own behaviour to civility and nothing above and beyond. I can see why you'd continue to send pics to her of DD but you don't need to do much else - just maintain cool civility.

[AngelaScandal]

Actually when you said you were Irish I wondered if that was a factor, especially post Brexit. I got a lot of grief after the referendum for the heinous crime of merely existing. (Small minority obvs, not all English people if it needed clarification)

Ideas for Zoom quiz:
Picture round! Marty Morrissey and Davy Fitz style. Go GAA 😂😂😂😂😂

Leo and the Simons. With and without tops.

[Stillfunny]

Boscoismyspiritanimal
That would be great !! But dont recall topless Simons?! And I was well impressed with Leo .

[AngelaScandal]

Oh I made that but up. I suppose you could stick Simon heads on bodies though, for commitment to the quiz round

[DidoLamenting]

just before DD was born I'd said that I absolutely would not be filling the house with pink as I hate the colour, and I dislike dolls etc. . . . the next time I saw her she had a pink doll for DD

Refusing to allow pink or dolls is just as bad and as narrow minded as insisting little girls must have pink and dolls.

[hardboiledeggs]

Honestly save the effort. Do the bare minimum for her, stop the photos and try not to dwell on it. It's amazing how people can change when you don't try.

[billy1966]

One thing OP is that I think it is never a good idea for children to witness a family member like a GP repeatedly disrespecting them and them just sucking it up for the peace.

Children notice these things and get a subliminal message that you should accept rudeness and disrespect from those close to you.

IMO it is far better to pull back, be very cool and if you are asked by your children you tell them honestly "X is very rude at times and I won't accept that, so I prefer to spend as little time as possible in their company".

Reasonable, polite, no drama, just facts.

Manners are hugely important to me and I have worked hard to instill them in my children.

But equally, I have zero tolerance of rudeness, and feel they need to be able to deal with that too.

[NearlyGranny]

Stop sending her photos that she just snarks about (leave it to your DH), have an Irish-themed quiz when it's your round and stow away the inappropriate present until DD is old enough to decide whether she wants to play with it.

If you just stop expecting anything better from her and take her as she is, your life will be easier. It's her son you married, not her. Let him sort her birthday and Christmas gifts, too!

She may well be one of those divide and conquer people trying to set you and DH's DB's GF at odds, but you needn't let that work. If you ever find you're favour of the month with her, you'll know she's fallen out with the GF!

[Nanny0gg]

What does your DH think about the situation?

[NearlyGranny]

Flavour, not favour of the month!

[HforHotel]

I’d be really upset with that gift. It’s a shit gift and she wanted to know it’s a shit gift!! Please buy her a tea cosy for her birthday or Christmas.

My MIL gets me much shitter gifts than she gets for her other DIL. That’s because one Christmas, FIL accidentally gave all of the gifts I gave to him in a big bag just to SIL. My fault, as I told him which was which, but did t label them. So MIL thought I’d given her just a cook book 😂 She would have taken this as a huge insult (as she loves cooking and is very materialistic), so every year since (despite me saying what had happened), I get progressively worse shit gifts. It’s actually quite funny 😂 My sister and I now do bets on what it can be and it always goes to the charity shop immediately

[TempNameJustForNow]

Refusing to allow pink or dolls is just as bad and as narrow minded as insisting little girls must have pink and dolls

@DidoLamenting I also hate the colour brown and would refuse to paint walls in my house that colour too. Is that "bad and narrow minded"?

Also I never said I would refuse to allow dolls. I said I dislike them. Not the same thing. Read my posts before you start shouting "narrow minded". I've specifically stated that if DD wants dolls when she's old enough to choose them, that's fine and I'd respect her natural preference.

It really annoys me when posters are so keen to shout 'prejudice' that they don't even read the posts properly

[TempNameJustForNow]

@billy1966 I hadn't even thought of that. You're right, I'll make absolutely sure that DD isn't allowed to see MIL disrespecting me. Although hopefully it will either fade over time or continue to be reasonably subtle!

[TempNameJustForNow]

@Nanny0gg well, that's his mum, so he'd never say anything mean or disrespectful about her. He tends to shrug his shoulders and say "you know what she'd like". But if I ever asked him to intervene I know he would. Things aren't at a level where that's necessary, though, I'm more bemused by the whole relationship than upset! In fact, I've never been upset, which is why I don't want to do anything inflammatory. It took DH and I a long time to have DD, we feel like we won the lottery and we're very happy, MIL can't damage that.

[DidoLamenting]

@DidoLamentingI also hate the colour brown and would refuse to paint walls in my house that colour too. Is that "bad and narrow minded"?

Oh don't be ridiculous. It isn't the same at all.

Yes I'm sure your daughter will be allowed dolls although given your expressed distaste. I wonder if she will broach the subject.

If you were serious about toys being non- gendered you would have a selection of toys to start with without virtue signalling your own prejudices.

[DidoLamenting]

Sorry meant to say "allowed" dolls although I expect you will probably managed to have put her off them and see that as a triumph of your non- gendering parental skills.