. . . to think MIL must not like me?

[TempNameJustForNow]

I'm not usually a sensitive little soul but I'm starting to think that MIL doesn't like me and is showing it in little passive aggressive ways. The latest is that, for my 40th birthday in December, I received a pair of grey tights from her as a gift. Normally I'd think, okay, weird present and it's a shame I'd never wear them (black, yes, but not grey) but she's not obliged to give me a present and it's nice that she made the gesture.

However, I then discovered that she gave DH's brother's girlfriend a sizeable sum of US dollars for her 31st birthday, which was 3 weeks after mine, as she was going on holiday.

There are so many other little things that in isolation mean nothing, but cumulatively make me think there's a dislike there. Other examples are - when I send her photos or videos of DD (her only grandchild) she either ignores them or says something disparaging - once when I put a bow in DD's hair she just said "looks like she's got toothache"; just before DD was born I'd said that I absolutely would not be filling the house with pink as I hate the colour, and I dislike dolls etc. . . . the next time I saw her she had a pink doll for DD.

Am I imagining this? And if not, should I just stop making an effort with her . . . ?

[MsTSwift]

So she gave you school uniform tights for your fortieth? She hates your guts.

[Besom]

OP has your MIL turned up on this thread in disguise?
Mind boggles at the grey tights for a 40th! You do well to retain your humour OP.

[naomi81]

I have a similar mil, these are definitely her issues, probably jealousy by the sounds of it. I think being the better person and just ignoring it is the right thing to do if you can, if it gets to much then DH should step in.

[Isthisnothing]

Oh my god grey tights, why would they even be made? She sounds unpleasant and I think you are quite right that she doesn't like you but probably doesn't like most people.

Perhaps she feels useful and needed with the other couple as the son is spoilt and living at home?

Who knows? It's her problem. Don't take it personally and step back if it becomes hurtful.

My MIL is downright nasty and brings up my partner's ex-wife at every conceivable opportunity. She takes photos of her out especially when we visit. She is very disapproving of me because I don't go meekly into the kitchen and stay there. Thankfully we live in another country and English isn't her first language so I just drown her out.

So you are not alone with this problem!

[TempNameJustForNow]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my post - it's mind-boggling that so many of us have issues with our MILs when actually we both love their child and therefore should have a reasonable bond due to that.

It does sound as if a lot of people feel better once they've gone minimal-contact so if things ever got to that point, I'll bear that in mind as a course of action (inaction!).

Families, eh?

[CorianderLord]

Yes, she doesn't like you

[SuperRose15]

OP sounds lovely. The MIL is missing out and doesn't sound particularly nice. This thread has helped me a great deal. Lots of similar issues, although the tights were chunky knit in Deep Blue (!?) ... Keep going OP and focus on the positives. Limit time and effort on this issue. I spent years trying to 'fix it' until I realised it was damaging me and my confidence. Now I try to get on with her, but try not to let her upset me by keeping my distance, both physically and emotionally. It has saved me. Good luck. 🙂

[SmileyFaceSadFace]

I wonder what the thought process behind buying a PA gift is, at what point does a fully grown adult think "I know what the solution is, I'll buy her a pair of tights."

I know someone who puts a lot of time and effort into buying PA gifts so it must help them feel better about a situation/themselves.

[atilathehut]

I think you sound like a lovely person - instead or responding in a vindictive way you are just going to effectively ignore it and be the bigger person. Well done you / I don't think I could do that. I think she's very lucky to have you as a daughter in law even if she doesn't appreciate it

[AHobbyaweek]

I don't like a load of pink and I asked for a mix of things for DD when she was very little. Brought a mixture of blues, purples, greens, yellows, pink, black and other colours. She has work benches with fake power tools, Lego and dolls/kitchens.

For me it is about the mixture of experiences but she is going through a massive princess stage at 4 with dresses and skirts and pink.

Not sure if she has picked it up from somewhere or a genuine choice tricky to know at this stage but I think it is absolutely fine to choose to not buy a specific colour or follow the "norm" for a gender when they are so young.

[Jen4813]

It does sound like she doesn’t like you for whatever reason - it might be jealousy because you don’t ‘need’ anything from her financially or emotionally and not afraid to state your opinion on not liking dolls etc. Or you might just not be her kind of person, we can’t be everyones cup of tea! Whatever the reason its not your problem you have done nothing wrong so try not to let it bother you. I would stop sending any photos/updates and if she questions it let DH send them instead. You question whether she likes you but ask yourself do you like her? She doesn’t sound a very nice women and it might help you be less bothered if you realise the feeling is mutual so its no ones loss!

[Porridgeoat]

I don’t remember being surrounded by endless varieties of pink as a 70s and 80s female. I wore short hair, flairs, modelled a bit of goth and punk at times and didn’t feel pressurised by gendered stereotypes. Shocking how the high street has changed with very predictable clothing and toys for girls and boys.

[Porridgeoat]

DH can take his own photos and forward them to MIL. He’s got fingers and a phone I’m sure

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

What a strange turn this thread has taken. Prejudice against pinkification? It's a good prejudice. It's not 'natural' for little girls to like pink; it's an expectation from babyhood stemming from other people's marketing crap which is devised to maximise sales so that the unified, bright, primary-coloured stuff on sale prior to the 80s can't be passed onto another kid of the 'wrong' gender coding.

This is batshit, bunkum wankery of the highest order.

If refusing to buy into the crackpot categorising of humans by 'gender' colour-coding, or to foist that ridiculous, baseless stereotyping on an unsuspecting kid, is prejudice, then I'm prejudiced. I own it, happily, and other people's disapproval matters nothing.

OP - you have good sense.

[TempNameJustForNow]

Thanks for apologising, @crispysausagerolls

[crispysausagerolls]

My bad - I missed both of those things! 🙈🤷🏻‍♀️ Sorry!

[TempNameJustForNow]

For clarity - and not that it's anyone's business but my own family's - I'm not bringing up my child "ungendered" (if that's even the right way to say it - probably not). I just dislike the colour pink and dolls. That's all. No statement-making, no virtue-signalling, just personal preferences that won't be forced onto my daughter when she's old enough to choose.

I love my daughter beyond life itself. Whatever she wants, I want for her. It's that simple.

[TempNameJustForNow]

@crispysausagerolls are you serious? I replied to you last night at 23.12 - see photo.

Funnily enough, you'd not read my posts at that time either.

Honestly - there so many self-righteous people on here, it's as if some posters come on threads to try to trip other people up, criticise them, call them hypocrites. It's so pointless. And half-arsed, in this case.

[crispysausagerolls]

I see you ignored my comment about you not wanting to push gendered items on your baby, yet putting a bow in her hair...

[TempNameJustForNow]

Feel free to clearly and calmly explain them to me, @DidoLamenting - you've certainly failed to do so thus far. If you can express an educated, rational and articulate explanation of my prejudices without even bothering to read my posts properly OR knowing me as a three-dimensional human being, then I'll absolutely be open to considering and accepting your judgement of me.

[DidoLamenting]

OP you can't even see your own prejudices.

[Mo81]

I think your right she dosnt like you.
I could write a bookon the things my mil has said and done to me. (I married her baby and im older)
Im a gold digger although i have my own money and career.
When told i was pregnant responded with i should of kept my legs closed
Barred me from the house because im ignorent ( i stayed with her for a fortnight and my crime was taking the dog a walk)
Told my 6 year old if he dosnt make healthy chooces he will have thunder thighs like me and my sister and belly laughed when ifinally plucked up the courage to tell her i had pnd.
Thays just to name a few. I do occasionally bite back wich usually means we dont speak for months
Its exhausting i find it mich easier to have as little contact as i can get away with im sure you would feel the same

[TempNameJustForNow]

@DidoLamenting I really don't know why you have such a chip on your shoulder, and why you're so aggressive in your posts. I don't plan to bring my daughter up in a non-gendered environment. I just have my own personal likes and dislikes. However I won't be forcing those on my daughter. I'm not painting her nursery pink just now because I dislike the colour. I'm not proactively going out to buy her dolls just now as I want her to develop her own natural preferences. She has squishy books and lamaze toys at the moment. I honestly don't know why you have such a problem with this.

The irony is, you've made huge assumptions about me, so I think it's you who is the very prejudiced and narrow-minded person here.

[WotnoPasta]

My MIL didn’t like me as I wasn’t local, and worst of all ‘educated’. She wanted someone who she could mould into being just like her. She wanted to dictate to me what to eat, what to watch, where to go on holiday.
I wouldn’t do any of these things. DH used to make out we would follow her suggestions, it just used to wind her up when we didn’t actually do it (she had a major strop once because I wouldn’t cancel a holiday and rebook to where she went).

The ruder she was, the more I stepped away. I used to be the one who thought of and organised presents, that stopped. I used to organise our visits, I stopped facilitating that, i went when I had to. I did nothing to help us visit more. I also stopped telling her things as there would always be a ‘comment’ of some sort. It meant we hardly spoke.
We are now going through it again as it turns out BIL is exactly the same.

[User8008135]

She doesn't like you sadly. How is she to her own dd?