. . . to think MIL must not like me?

[TempNameJustForNow]

I'm not usually a sensitive little soul but I'm starting to think that MIL doesn't like me and is showing it in little passive aggressive ways. The latest is that, for my 40th birthday in December, I received a pair of grey tights from her as a gift. Normally I'd think, okay, weird present and it's a shame I'd never wear them (black, yes, but not grey) but she's not obliged to give me a present and it's nice that she made the gesture.

However, I then discovered that she gave DH's brother's girlfriend a sizeable sum of US dollars for her 31st birthday, which was 3 weeks after mine, as she was going on holiday.

There are so many other little things that in isolation mean nothing, but cumulatively make me think there's a dislike there. Other examples are - when I send her photos or videos of DD (her only grandchild) she either ignores them or says something disparaging - once when I put a bow in DD's hair she just said "looks like she's got toothache"; just before DD was born I'd said that I absolutely would not be filling the house with pink as I hate the colour, and I dislike dolls etc. . . . the next time I saw her she had a pink doll for DD.

Am I imagining this? And if not, should I just stop making an effort with her . . . ?

I also wonder is their an anti Irish feeling.
Did anything happen in her past ? Did she experience an IRA bombing or knew someone who was affected by one ?

My mother was a bit like that - encourage the most inappropriate partners initially, but anything more serious and nobody was perfect good enough - I think she was jealous.

My MiL stopped even acknowledging my birthday after my 21st (we married later that year). And things rapidly deteriorated from then on! I committed the ultimate crime of marrying her baby boy without being good enough in her eyes . I stopped trying in the end.

The thing about the zoom quiz made me laugh. Next time its close to her turn to do it, tell her you hate a subject you like and see what happens

It really is her issue, so don't worry about it. Perhaps it is you being the high earner that she resents. Or she sees in you, what she never achieved herself career wise etc and is secretly jealous.

She’s probably annoyed that her son has ‘traded up’ by having a high earning wife. She’s probably intimidated by you and is trying to ‘put you in your place’. I’d back off and let your DH sort out gifts etc. There’s no reason you should be doing that anyway. You could always suggest some lovely Sainsbury’s tea towels if he gets stuck.

Good idea. If there's a topic you are interested in that she doesn't know about, tell her you hate it and see what happens.

It's rude to deliberately buy something if you have said you don't like it. It's not like she's six years old and asking for a doll.

My MIL was useless when I had my first baby apart from occasionally bringing a meat dish over... I am vegetarian. It was a way for her to assert her values over mine.

She's had her turn, she has raised her family according to her values. You get to choose about toys pink etc and what your values are. Whether you are 'right' or 'wrong' about dolls is subjective, everyone parents according to their own values.

My mil change overnight after I had DS. She would give me crap gifts and my husband cash with a card telling him to spend it on himself. One year she bought me meal containers so I could cook my husbands lunchs. My husband and I just laugh about it and smile. She’s after a reactions so we just don’t give her one. It goes along with the unwarranted comments about our poor parenting skills. She passed now and sadly it’s made our life so much easier not having to deal with her.

Has she always been like this towards you? Does she see her other DIL a lot more? Is other DIL in a worse financial position? Trying to find some sort of reason for such strange behaviour (not excusing it). Do you get on in any ways or is it just personality clash?

I had a similar issue with my MIL. Everything was fine until me and my husband got married. We came back from our honeymoon and something just felt... different. She would make me feel unwelcome. She began to verbally attack me. She started being snide. She would tell my husband lies about me to try and cause us to argue. Eventually, I had enough, my husband had enough and it all boiled to a head. She admitted that what she was doing was wrong, she said she was jealous, (my husband is her only child) and she admitted that she had hateful feelings towards me, but that it wasn't my fault, she said she couldn't understand why she had such an issue with me because I'd done nothing wrong, since that day, everything has been fine, on occasion I feel a little unwelcome, but I just rise above it because I know it's not me with the problem. Maybe try talking to her? With your partner there of course. Explain how she is making you feel. After that, if nothing changes, then I'd just pull away from her, be civil, but just not close with her. Leave the gift giving to your partner and leave her to her own devices

I think that you should try and either ignore,or just put up, with your MIL, and her little ways. She may seem to have a bit of an iffy personality, and odd way of doing and saying things, but she is, as she is. But it doesn't mean that she dislikes you I am sure.

I'm going to continue to send her DD's photos and updates occasionally, because it's the right thing to do by DD and MIL.

I don’t understand this. Why can’t your DH send the photos and updates? You don’t want DD to have gendered crap foisted on her and yet you meekly accept the “wifework” like it’s your job to facilitate the relationship between your precious child and a woman who actively sabotages your relationship with her?

My own mother does this. I have no idea why. I think she has weird rules about people that only her own weird mind can fathom. I have given up. We have a cordial relationship, but can’t say I would ever make a massive effort for her again. I just don’t understand the rules of her weird game so don’t bother playing anymore because I will only get it wrong. Life is better for me that way.

As soon as you said you were Irish, I thought "I bet that's it".
Some people still harbour anti-Irish feelings, for whatever reason.
My own mother did - but hers were more specific to Irish Catholic nuns and priests, as she went to a Convent school (despite being C of E) and they were awful there. She wasn't generically horrible to Irish people, but the prejudice was still there.

If you were feeling like it, you could try getting her cheap Irish souvenir tat for every occasion - and making a bit thing out of St. Patrick's Day celebrations - and see how that goes down.

Sorry you're having to deal with this though - it's never pleasant.

She’s not even nice about your dd. You said she’s critical when you send photos. Most people would say sweet, not she looks like she’s got toothache! That’s fucked up for a ‘doting granny’.

I’ve had this. Such a pity - we had a fairly close relationship before. Now:

• dh is in charge of contact, visits, videos of child
• my job is to be warm and lovely (as far as possible) when we actually meet
• dh and I laugh ALL THE TIME and have a mutual eye roll and the passive aggressiveness and bizarre presents.

Having DH on side and being able to bitch to him (in a limited way) has really helped me accept who she is and to feel pity rather than anger.

I picked up on one thing you said and just grasping at straws for reasons.

You said you're the main earner in the house.

Do you think she feels like you are more higher up in some weird family status thing. That you being the main earner some how belittles her son in her eyes. Like you're trying to be better than them.

I'm not explaining this at all well. But she may feel like your above them and she resents you for that.

Play her game and say you do not like whatever and make sure it is stuff you do like..
As for dolls any girl will usually be gifted a special doll when they are little.
I would back off and leave the photos
Ignore avoid and enjoy your baby girl.
Do not let this stage be burdens by people's nonsense!
Jealously.

billy1966

Don't get upset.

Just no longer make ANY effort whatsoever.

Leave any contact to your husband. Don't even have a conversation about it.

If he mentions anything, just say "I'm leaving that to you".

She doesn't like you.
Accept and move on.
Leave any contact to your husband.
Very effective.
flowers

I followed Billy’s advice above. It’s changed everything. I’m always polite and text a thankyou for any gifts but it’s brief and I don’t even visit these days, leaving it to my DH

I also think that it could be the fact that you work and are a high earner. My mil is quite intimidated and therefore scathing about "career women". Women having a career seems to almost be an insult to her, like it invalidates her life as a sahm? I suppose she had fewer choices when she was younger, and maybe it annoys her. Obviously if your mil has a high flying career this theory won't hold! 😁

Oh and definitely leave visiting, updates and present buying to dh. I never understood why women take over this job! I hate even picking (or remembering to buy) presents for my own family, never mind someone else's!

Well I think she just seems to like pink /dollies ! Probably her age group.As far as you can try to get along with her .You dont have to be best friends or anything ,but shes your DH Mum at the end of the day and it will be nicer for him .As far as presents go .Do you think DH DB and his GF are younger /less well off? Maybe she was trying to help them both out ,rather than a gift for the GF IFSWIM? Agree tights are a shitty present ,so just get her some socks or whatever!

It does sound like she doesn't like you so as others have said don't bother with her. Let your husband deal with her and tell him why. You'll be happier without having to deal with her.
Before you go low contact though do make sure you do a quiz all about Ireland.

My mil spoilt many days when my children were little, I gave her too much of my time and thought and it got to the point where I'd be anxious before her visits.

Don't let her do this to you and your family.

Fast forward to now, h and I have separated. She sent me a weird card and a note for my birthday and I didn't acknowledge it and I won't have anything to do with her.
I'm done with her. I believe that she messed up h's childhood and in turn he couldn't adult properly

My mil hates me always has. I got a packed of chocolate limes for my 30th birthday of her.