. . . to think MIL must not like me?

[TempNameJustForNow]

I'm not usually a sensitive little soul but I'm starting to think that MIL doesn't like me and is showing it in little passive aggressive ways. The latest is that, for my 40th birthday in December, I received a pair of grey tights from her as a gift. Normally I'd think, okay, weird present and it's a shame I'd never wear them (black, yes, but not grey) but she's not obliged to give me a present and it's nice that she made the gesture.

However, I then discovered that she gave DH's brother's girlfriend a sizeable sum of US dollars for her 31st birthday, which was 3 weeks after mine, as she was going on holiday.

There are so many other little things that in isolation mean nothing, but cumulatively make me think there's a dislike there. Other examples are - when I send her photos or videos of DD (her only grandchild) she either ignores them or says something disparaging - once when I put a bow in DD's hair she just said "looks like she's got toothache"; just before DD was born I'd said that I absolutely would not be filling the house with pink as I hate the colour, and I dislike dolls etc. . . . the next time I saw her she had a pink doll for DD.

Am I imagining this? And if not, should I just stop making an effort with her . . . ?

I wonder if an online shop exists for Passive Agressive Gifts? Just seen a pair of cellulite-busting compression leggings.

Business idea for anyone who wants it!

Haha @OtterBe4 - perfect!

Re-Gift them right back at her... next opportunity

Offended cause I've made my preferences clear to everyone by this point. It's passive aggressive like OP suggested when you make clear what you don't want and people then go and give you just that! Anyhow OtterBe4 not a big deal. I like to keep Mumsnet light hearted so sorry if anyone took exception to my comments. Peace out!

Don't get upset.

Just no longer make ANY effort whatsoever.

Leave any contact to your husband. Don't even have a conversation about it.

If he mentions anything, just say "I'm leaving that to you".

She doesn't like you.
Accept and move on.
Leave any contact to your husband.
Very effective.

Could it simply be she had 3 x ds's and you 'got' a dd?
My mil hated me. The fact I managed to bf annoyed her immensely..

Nah, my mil gave me a dress as a present, nice of her until she said the immortal words 'i bought it for my daughter, but she thinks it's ugly so here you go' 🤣.

Leave contact, baby updates and presents to your dh. You will be less resentful, when you actually have to spend time with her.

Going against the grain here op... could you seek to build bridges? People are complex, and relationships aren't set in stone. maybe she's, idk, struggling with something, her stage in life, dh not being with her as much any more, whatever - if she's going to be in your life, why not have a chat in a gentle fashion. Ask her, if you've done anything to upset her, say that you're not sure if you're being paranoid, but that your feel' there might be some coolness, and that it's important to you that you both have a good relationship. Just a thought!

I'm not saying to accept bad behaviour by the way - but I think this is borderline and actually by having an open conversation with her, maybe things could be salvaged!

You don’t want your daughter in a dress but you’re happy for her to have a bow in her hair? 🤣

I agree btw that a 6m old baby doesn’t want or need a doll, but you will probably find that she will want one anyway when she gets older. My experience thus far has shown me that little girls gravitate towards dolls and boys towards smashing and crashing and cars. When given the option, I mean.

Tights is a joke for a 40th gift and I would agree she does not like you!

@TempNameJustForNow

Honestly OP I am reading with interest as I have a similar situation with mine. Lockdown came at the PERFECT time for me... my own MIL is bitter, negative and passive aggressive but comes across all oh so meek and insipid.

I also married the golden boy or rather the child who has done exceptionally well and who has degrees and awards coming out of his proverbial. This makes me a Bad Person in their eyes, I suspect.

I have realised recently how spiteful they are behind my back, so in the words of Harry and Meghan... have decided to stand back as a senior member of the family.

So I have dropped the monthly phone calls DCs achievements, when they come around I do not lift a finger... quite literally... I don’t even fill the kettle and turn it on. No more texts and photos. I have bent over backwards for them in many ways and have always been sensitive to the fact that as the wife of the son... don’t want them to feel left out or not prioritised in any way.

It’s v liberating!! So chin up and best foot forward, they may not like you but that doesn’t make you less of a human being.

OP a few years ago I was in exactly the same
Position. My MIL gifted me a pair of trainer socks for Christmas. I found out that the other daughter in law was gifted a spa day, amongst other things. I discussed it with my DH and told him he was now fully responsible for his side of the family, gifts, occasions etc. I am over the hurt and now take no notice of her repeated attempts to demonstrate her weird gift giving patterns.

Really mean and spiteful behaviour from her. Glad you can see the humour in it - better to laugh at her antics. I would stop making any effort with her.

OP, you should start pretending to hate things you actually like, then hopefully she will buy them for you

A pair of tights is a crap gift for any birthday, never mind a 40th. I'd have been ticked off with that. A £10 gift card would have been better if she didn't know what to buy.

I agree that she doesn't seem keen on you. No more updates on DD and aim for a polite and civil type of relationship with her.

The doll you are being silly about, the present kind of sucks.

@crispysausagerolls - you might want to re-read the thread, I never said anything about dresses, that was another poster. You also missed the bit where I said the bow was poking fun at my sister who has a penchant for this type of thing.

My in-laws have done the passive aggressive gift thing too (specifically SiL). I never had a cross-word with my MiL until our DC came along - she was pleasant enough albeit I didn't really know her - but my DH's sister apparently dislikes me and MiL is very easily led by her. And SiL had a field day with her weird passive aggressive gifts. DH of course got normal ones. I'd receive things like cracker toys and one year a child's bracelet. In the end it became funny, trying to guess what she'd come up with next. DH and I always bought gifts for her children; she doesn't for ours. I'm always addressed as Mrs Hisname - DC, Hisname (even though he's asked for that to stop).

I'm apathetic and never bothered to retaliate, so she got precisely nothing in response. These days none of us bother exchanging cards and gifts and I prefer that. At least it's honest. Poor SiL's efforts in expressing her disapproval were quite inventive and must have taken a bit of time and energy. Pity I was cracking on with my own life and mostly oblivious.

For anyone else experiencing this pettiness, I've found the most amazing retaliation being sold by the Literary Gifts Company. Lady Macbeth's Guest soap. Go on. You know you want to. And you never know, it might put her off visiting for life ...

Thank you for replies, everyone. It's really interesting to get objective opinions on this.

The conclusion I'm drawing is that she doesn't like me, for whatever reason. It can't be that I have a DD and she doesn't, as her third/youngest is female, and it can't be that I've done anything to hurt her son; nor take advantage/live off him as I'm the main earner by a long way.

I don't feel upset or angry by it - it's been a bit of a dawning realisation and I don't feel any resentment or bitterness. More of an amused acceptance, I think; a feeling that it's her problem more than mine. Someone said maybe she's got her own issues and I think that could be the case - she doesn't strike me as a particularly happy woman.

I'm not going to say anything, or try to build bridges as I do think the existing bridges are - on the surface at least - functioning. I'm going to continue to send her DD's photos and updates occasionally, because it's the right thing to do by DD and MIL.

I'd love to peek inside her head for a moment or two, to find out what the actual issue is, though!

Live your life and be happy OP - if she dislikes you and very evidently wants to show it, being happy is what will annoy her. Failing to notice her sideways swipes will really annoy her. Hostile, negative people don't like to feel their efforts are going unnoticed or that their targets are oblivious to their dislike.

You can gradually draw back and allow your partner to maintain contact. This is what I've done. She's his mother, after all.

Remember this isn't about you. It's about her. What other people think of you is none of your business.

@MarielVanArkleStinks - the soap! "Try it in the Macbath"

Agreed. I think letting her know that I've started to become aware of the pettiness is almost a victory of sorts for her, if she is taking little swipes. Best to appear oblivious!

Whenever I sent pics to my mil of dd she doesn't respond or goes "she looks tired" she's critical of her and me. Anything Dh says about me she counters with or plays it down..

She is not like this with her daughters or other daughter in laws.

I've learnt to not care anymore and I don't effortly facilitate a relationship between dd and her.

I would stop making and effort with her and I wouldn't send her any photos or videos of dd.
I'd tell husband in future he can buy her presents and tell him why and if she asked me why I haven't sent any pictures ect I'd tell her the truth you don't seem bothered. X

Does she dislike you because you’re Irish, OP? Over more than 20 years living in various parts of England, I never quite got over my shock at entrenched, ignorant and discriminatory attitudes towards Irish people from a small but significant minority of people.