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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to lose my rag with an 8 week old yearold..

162 replies

bumbly · 21/09/2007 14:43

at end of my tether and am wondering if others like me have sometimes raised their voice to their LO?

i am just fed up of constant crying and having to hold LO

and to add to matters today LO didnt even want to be held and was simply crying so we are back to snack feeding to try to calm him

please tell me others get mad and cant help themselves getting mad with a newborn!

OP posts:
seeker · 21/09/2007 14:49

It's so hard isn't it? If it helps, they sometimes have a growth spurt about now, so they might feed a lot. Otherwise it is COMPLETELTY OK to put him somewhere safe and sit in another room for 10 m inutes to give yourself a breather. It is also completely OK to let someone else look after him for a bit - friend, neighbour, family, man who comes to read the meter - anybody. And it it compeletly OK and normal to feel wild with frustation, but it's really important not to act on the frustration. Put him somewhere safe, and take yourself out of the situatuon for a while. Do you have a dp coming home soon?

frazzledbutcalm · 21/09/2007 14:51

dc2 was a nightmare. She cried constantly, was never happy, didnt want to be held, didnt want to be down, didnt like her car seat, didnt like her pram, didnt like her bouncy chair. I used to shout at her, it lets out your frustration. I look back now (she's 8) and i just wish i'd had the time and patients to do it differently. I dont think it would have made any difference but mums always beat themselves up dont they? If anyone offers to take ds for a while, accept the help. I didnt but now wish i had. Good luck, stick in there, it will get better.

claricebeansmum · 21/09/2007 14:51

Hey Bumbly - been there. You feel like a monster but it is so hard. And you aren't.

Seeker speaks sense - put LO in cot where safe and step out for 10 mins whilst you get yoursefl together. It is quite OK. You are no good to LO in this state.

Original poster
bumbly · 21/09/2007 14:52

yeah dp seems to always find me at end of tether and am feeling so guilty that having this kid is really not going roses and am never happy

am so unhappy with him being so unsettled

OP posts:
jacobandlysette · 21/09/2007 14:52

bumbly i agree it can be tough, and yes putting Lo somewhere completely safe and just taking a few minutes of breathing time for yoursef can do wonders.

chin up, you'll be fine!

dustystar · 21/09/2007 14:52

I agree with everything seeker said. I found it really hard with my first and sometimes i just had to leave her to cry for her sake as well as mine. As long as they are fed, the right temp and not ill then its far better to go into another room and have a break than lose it with them.

jacobandlysette · 21/09/2007 14:54

also my lo seems to feed off my moods - he's always a little bit more grizzly / whingy when i'm especially tired / at the end of my tether. i found when he was really young the more tired and worked up i got the worse he was. a few minutes out really helped us.

alternatively now i put classic fm onthe sky box and it seems to calm us both down! (not that i've ever been one really for classical music)

EmsMum · 21/09/2007 14:55

Oh yes I remember it well.

Getting out of the house can help - walk with baby in sling or pram, or if you have a car the magic effect driving can have.

My MIL bought us one of those baby swings, that was an absolute godsend.

Lying baby on changing mat and massaging tummy might help too.

Lots of us have been there, it does get better.

Vikkin · 21/09/2007 14:55

I probably won't be much help, but wanted you to have some quick responses.
I think 8-12 weeks is a really hard time, for both you and lo. Is lo breast or bottle? IME 6-8 weeks is the height for colicky symptoms, check this out. There are some really good threads with suggestions on this.
Suggestions on dealing with a crying baby: try to find someone else to help with comforting as well as yourself. If you think it's getting too much and you need a minute in another room or to wash your face, do not be afraid to put lo safely in cot and give yourself that minute. Get OUT with the pram and walk - fairly fast. If you can walk to somewhere where you will get a cup of coffee and see a friendly face all the better. If lo likes driving, make yourself a flask, drive to the nearest open space, if lo drops off, sit on the bonnet of your car and have a coffee in the open air.
Long days indoors with a crying baby are really hard. I've been there. It does pass. Now I have long days indoors all alone.

ImBarryScott · 21/09/2007 14:56

Hi Bumbly,
I'll echo what the others have said - take a break. No baby ever died from 10mins crying while you grab a brew and save your sanity. Do you have a walkman/ipod you can plug in? This helped me soothe my screaming newborn by taking the edge of a bit.

oh, and please read this thread to see how many of us have been there.

IntergalacticWalrus · 21/09/2007 15:00

I remeber sghouting to DS1 when he was about 10 weeks old (after 10 weeks of NO sleep and constant crying)(

"WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT, FOR GOD'S SAKE"

I think his reponse was to puke a bit

Completely normal to feel oike this. You are only human, and lets face it, newborn babies, lovely as they are, =can often try the parience of a saint.

If it;s all too much, pop him in his cot or wherever, and go and make yourelf a cup of tea. Whenever I used to have to do this, I'd go up to get DS1 after 10 mins or wherever, and he would have usually fallen asleep

itwastheoysters · 21/09/2007 15:03

Adding my support - YANBU!!! I have SO been there....
Does he like being in the pram? I used to do lots of strolling with ds2!

vbacqueen1 · 21/09/2007 17:28

For the record I do think it's being TOTALLY unreasonable to shout at an 8 week old baby - I've never seen it calm an already upset baby yet. I'm no saintly earth mother and I shout at all of my children from time to time but when a baby is still so young it's not on.
However, we have all felt the same as you and you've been give some great advice - if you feel like you're about to lose it, put the baby in the cot and leave the room immediately. I'm sure none of us would ever harm our babies intentionally but if you're already at the point where you're shouting, you've lost it and without even realising it, you could be shaking your baby too.
And for anyone who thinks I may be over reacting to this thread, I bet the number of accidental deaths of babies who are less than 3 months old would scare the shit out of you.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 21/09/2007 17:31

I remember when dd was about 8 weeks and cried al levening for days/weeks in a row. I had to put her down in her cot and went in the garden and screamed/cried as I was losing the plot.

Lack of sleep doesn't help. It is normal to feel like this and you're not alone. It does get better, but thinking you might have another couple of months of this I'm sure feels like a lifetime.

Have you got a friend/mum/sister who can come round and watch LO while you have a nice relaxing bath and a snooze?

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 21/09/2007 17:33

Bumbly

Consider yourself judged.

Nice work VBAC

j20baby · 21/09/2007 17:34

really helpful

j20baby · 21/09/2007 17:37

bumbly-you have my sypmathies, i used to stand on the front doorstep and wait for dp to get home just so i can hand dd over and have a break.

daisyandbabybootoo · 21/09/2007 17:39

vbacqueen1, bumbly obviously posted because she is finding things really hard and wanted some moral support, not because she wanted to be shouted at for something that she probably knows.

Bumbly, you should maybe not have posted in this topic as you often don't get the support you need from replies, however it's good that most responses so far have been positive.

I nearly shook my 5.5 year old DS as he wasn't feeding and i was sore and tired and as a single parent had no-one to take the reins for a time to let me calm down a bit so we could regroup. I remember screaming at him then out him in his chair and called parentline who helped me calm down and gave me lots of advice on coping. I actually had undiagnosed PND and it was very very difficult.

Anyway, I really feel for you, and although it doesn't help to shout at a young baby (which I'm sure you know already), I appreciate that you must be getting to the end of your tether. Is there anyone who can take the baby for a bit to give you some time out?

Does you DH appreciate how difficult you are finding things? Have you talked to your HV about PND?

It might not seem it at the moment, but it will get better. This is a difficult age for them, and for you too.

TheMadHouse · 21/09/2007 17:39

I wanted to add that I have been there too. I have to agree with the walking in the pram. I even resorted to wearing my ipod in the house to stop things.

If the baby is unsettled have you tried a cranial oespeopath (sp), baby massage, colief, swing or a warm bath with a flannel on its tummy.

Things do get better, but I always found the first 12 weeks for my two boys were no the nicest.

I hope things get better

vbacqueen1 · 21/09/2007 17:40

I don't think it unreasonable to feel this way - a small baby can try anyone's patience (and I do know - I've had four of them) but I DO think it unreasonable to shout at them. If you know you're going to snap just leave the room.

vbacqueen1 · 21/09/2007 17:42

Oh and just because you all seem to have shouted at your own small babies, it doesn't mean it's right. It's never right. So hang me for telling the truth.

LIZS · 21/09/2007 17:43

vbac , perhaps you shodul ahve read some of bumbly's previous threads before writing that post, not helpful

Bumbly it is perfectly normal to get frustrated but better to save the venting for away from ds. He won't have come to any harm though. Put him in babyseat and leave the room for a few minutes if needs be or take him out for a walk and some air. Does it really matter if he wants to snack in order to be happier ?

hunkermunker · 21/09/2007 17:43

How tf is judging going to help Bumbly, fgs?!

Bumbly, you're not unreasonable, you're tired and it's hard work. You need support and kindness, not being judged. No, shouting at an 8wo isn't a great idea as a plan but it happens. Not to everybody, it would seem, but to a lot.

What support do you have locally? Do you have a partner who can share the load a bit? How do your days go? Mine were a blur of feeding, attempting sleep and migraines at this age, iirc!

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 21/09/2007 17:44

I never shouted at my baby but I would never judge someone who did.

hunkermunker · 21/09/2007 17:45

As for this line, VBAC "And for anyone who thinks I may be over reacting to this thread, I bet the number of accidental deaths of babies who are less than 3 months old would scare the shit out of you." wtf?