to lose my rag with an 8 week old yearold..

[bumbly]

at end of my tether and am wondering if others like me have sometimes raised their voice to their LO?

i am just fed up of constant crying and having to hold LO

and to add to matters today LO didnt even want to be held and was simply crying so we are back to snack feeding to try to calm him

please tell me others get mad and cant help themselves getting mad with a newborn!

[PSCMUM]

i've just read the OP.

YANBu, not at all, but you mustn't do that .it is reasonable to feel like that, but you just cannot act on it.

best advice HV ever gave me, in among a whole heap of uteer uselessness, was if the baby gets too much, put him in his cot, gently, place him in, put the sides up so he is safe, shut the door, and do something that occupies you for 10 mins - the washing up, hoover, the washing, check your emails, something that is a task which has a natural end, and say to yourself, I will not go back in until I ahev finished the washing up or whatever, and then finish the task, and my ds was often asleep by then, in which case - GO TO SLEEP YOURSELF - drop everything, and sleep, everything is more awful when you are exhausted, or if they are still awake and shouting, at least you have had a little break, you can go back in, check ok, then do something else.

a good cry never harmed anyone, but being shouted at by their mum, well that might be differnet.

but yes, ylu are totally totally normal, i felt like that often hence my reciving the advice at all from the HV.

good luck.

[Pan]

vbaq - I thought your intial post was fine. No, it isn't ok to shout at an 8 week old, though the OP knew this, as tough as newborns are t ocope with. >

The question was IABU..well yes you are, but understandably so.

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[HarrietTheSpy]

I'm finding myself getting really emotional reading this. this is long, so won't be offended if all skip! but i had to say it - bumbly we have all been there!!!

When my daughter was two weeks old I took her out to hte shops by myself for hte first time. Middle of winter, but didn't want her to overheat (!!!), unwrapped her in the store, she woke up and literally screamed for what felt like an hour, was prob 10 min. plus i'm with a friend - "Don't worry," she goes, "I'd only expect you to have it all together at around 3 months." So that's when i'm getting my report card then?! I can remember rushing rushing to get to the cafe to breast feed and even calling the midwife. and feeling like i couldn't cope, feeling ridiculous etc etc. Then had to make the journey home - longest 25 min of my life. And I yelled - it was shut up. I felt absolutely terrible - incompetent, mean, the works.

I can't believe every mother doesn't have some story to tell like this - and if they say they don't I'd be worried that they were afraid to admit it...and some way down the road to being afraid to ask for help when they need it...because of the potential criticism.

[PSCMUM]

so true, we've all been there.

and i even did it when ds, who is so perfect and lovely, was 2, and i was exhuasted from dd, newborn, and it was his birthday party, and i was trying to get him to have a sleep before hand so he;d enjoy it an dnot be too tired when all the people got there, but dd wouldn;t go to sleep, so i ended up putting him in the buggy, her in the sling, and taking them out for a walk, dd was crying her head off, ds was in pram like an angel, i was getting so stressed out with dd screeching the street down that when poor littel ds popped his head out side of buggy and said 'is it nearly my party mummy'
i said 'if you don't go to sleep RIGHT NOW THERE WON@T BE A FUCKING PARTY'

and he wasn't even the screechy one.

he says he has forgiven me now and laughs his head off that i swore (he is 8 and a total angel)

[uberalice]

Bumbly, this seems to have spawned a thread of support over here.

[3andnomore]

Bumbly,
my ys was teh one that had driven me near distraction....he was a very unsettled Baby, screaming almost non-stop and I just couldn't cope, and got so frustrated...and there were times I just shouted at the poor fellow...but yes, usually I owuld do as the others have already said...I would put him down safely and would walk out for a while, just to calm myself down and regain composure.

When he was about 5 month old, he was poorly and after him crying all day, he was also crying all night...I was soooo shattered, I was crying with him and also shouting, and well, in the end I ordered my dh to come home (he was at work...but not really at work...because of late duty and then an early start he decided to stay in his "Office" -he is in the armed forces)...by the time he came I was ready to throttle the poor child...and I was talking about getting him adopted out, etc....obviously crazy talk, but well....that day and night had just been the tip of the iceberg, really...all the while I felt so incredible guilty and inadequate and horrible, distressing me even more...!
Sorry long ramble there...just trying to say, that we all go through times where we struggle, and indeed there is no shame in getting help if you need that...a bit of support can go a long way!

Hope you are o.k. and that your lil one settles down for you....there just is nohting worse then a screaming Baby!

[muppetgirl]

I have to say that leaving ds in his bouncy chair/moses basket really helped me to calm down.
I was never close to hurting ds but realised there was a point in which I needed to take stock.
When dh and I have arguments the words escalate and the anger intensifies but not once in 5 years have I ever felt like wacking him one nor have I ever felt that he was close to hitting me.
Maybe vbac has led a different life to the rest of us where violence has not been far away and comes to this debate with a whole different set of previous experiences.
But I think it is not right to equate loss of temper/frustration/extreme tiredness with possible physical violence.
To say this to a new mum would surely add more stress eg 'don't lose your temper, you may shake your baby next...'

Bumbly, you've been very brave in asking for advice and I hope you find an answer soon.

[ChubbyScotsBurd]

When I was pregnant my mum said to me it was a shame I'm living in the town with neighbours ... when we were little she lived in the country and used to go to the shed to scream when it all got too much ... didn't know what she was on about until now!

[kittywits]

Women SO need to support each other regarding these issues. I really hope the op has a read through these posts and sees how very normal she is.
I used to walk through Brighton with my ds1 who just cried and cried and cried. I remember weeping myself, looking at the faces of passers by who had (what i thoguht) were disapproving looks in their faces.

[seeker]

We put our babies down and leave the room to protect ourselves not to protect them.Most of us are a milion miles from hurting our babies - but we are not a million miles from depression and even closer to feeling very sad and unhappy and tired and guilty. The ten minute break is to give us the strength to carry on, not stop us doing something drastic.

[SofiaAmes]

I had had such an easy time with ds, that when dd came along I was so unprepared. She just cried and cried and cried and nothing I did made it better. I know just how you feel. I suddenly realized how someone who didn't have as much as I had (mentally, morally, physically and family) could just shake their screaming child til they stopped. As others have said, try to just put your child down and go far enough away to get a 10 min break from the screaming. I also found that a stiff drink (something I never had on a regualr basis before dd) can sometimes help. Also try to preplan relief from partner or family if you can. I also went back to work 3 months after having dd, by choice, as it got me relief from the screaming. She's now almost 5 and still exhausting!!! But at least the screaming has morphed into whining (easier to block out).

[bumbly]

hello - all

firstly i cant thank you all enough for posting here...i appreciate all posts...woke up after a hell!! eve - hence the lack of posts as didnt switch on computer...

i am basically giving handling the baby a break and leaving him with dh

since last night i am feeling i cant handle/dont want to handle him for a while

not a great attitude but unfortuntely that is how am feeling and to be honest not sure LO would notice otherwise

my take home message form this threads: dont shout at baby but (if you do) it is completely normal to feel angry

will try my best and perhaps distancing me from LO is the best way

i cant thank you enough for all the posts and what a surprise so see such a long thread

i have very little friends but feel have loads of friends here on mumsnet

[lulumama]

Bumbly.. where do you live? do you have any NCT groups near you? they do mum and baby groups and coffee mornings, which is a great way to meet friends... also, there might be mumsnetters near you!

[bumbly]

didnt really gel with nct group as they are all much older than me and not into my kind of "outdoor" lifestyle...not that i got any life at the moment

[ScottishMummy]

hello bumbly - just wanted to add wee bit support, and reassure you that you are human regular tired new mum. after 3-4days no sleep, hell trying to feed, and mastitis i vividly remeber shouting at boyfriend and newborn "i cant fucking cope"

this
does not make bad
does not make you bad

incidentaly sleep derprivation is recognised as a form of unacceptable cruelty/torture. plays havoc with psychological/physical state

but you will get through this - it is hard but good luck keep talkin

[Theclosetpagan]

You will have a life again bumbly - honestly sometimes these early weeks are hideous. Not much help when you are going through it I know but it will settle down and get easier.

[RGPargy]

You have my sympathies Bumbly. I've had the screaming baby, done the shout thing, knew it wasn't right, put baby in cot, walked away and turned tv up really loud, put baby in car seat and driven around for 30 mins etc etc so i do totally totally sympathise. It's a good thing that you are getting DH to deal with baby more. This will give you much needed time to get your head together.

big hugs and hope you feel better soon. xx

[RGPargy]

Oh i want to point out also that when i had screamy DS, it was pre-computer days and deffo pre-mumsnet so any form of support, either cyber or in real life was non-existent. We are so so lucky to have MN!!!

[InMyHumbleOpinion]

I have shouted "Oh for F** Sake, what NOWWWWWWW!!!"

not proud. But he hasn't tried to slash his wrists yet, because he doesn't remember.

It's not right, it's not helpful, and it will make you feel like cack, that's why you shouldn't do it.

remember the people who would judge you are not the ones who have to live your life.

[Meglet]

hello bumbly ,

Hope your DH can give you a break. Can you get out the house for a bit of peace - without LO, I found that even a short walk to the corner shop would cheer me up, makes you feel part of the real world again. Fresh air, celeb gossip mag and a chocolate bar might perk you up a little, sorry if that sounds a bit shallow . It used to stop me feeling like the walls were closing in on me.

Wishing you a better day today and some time to yourself!

[InMyHumbleOpinion]

Meant to say, right after "Shouldn't do it", that "But sometimes we all make a mistake. God knows I made PLENTY!"

[bananabump]

I remember one day a couple of weeks ago when I was really stressed out over something unrelated, and ds (1 month old) had been up all night, my sister had come over and I was so relieved to just see someone and talk to her, but ds was crying and crying and crying and I couldn't hear what she was saying and I suddenly shouted at ds to "Shuuuuuuuuuush!!!" and my sister looked a bit shocked. I was really embarassed and annoyed as it was the first and so far only time I've shouted at him, and I just had to do it when someone else was around and make myself look like I wasn't coping.

Obviously I'm very new at all this so I'm winging it totally but one thing that is helping me deal with his crying is to consciously translate all feelings of annoyance into feelings of pity for him, because it seems every time I get annoyed with him for constant crying he will then do an enormous burp or rivers of sick (after evil mummy misinterpreted his cries and overfed him massively) so I've learnt that he doesn't cry without good reason. I realise this will all change as he gets older!

For me the hardest need to recognise is overtiredness. I never seem to recognise it until he's already hysterical and suddenly flakes out on my chest, poor little sod. So now when he cries, I try to focus on "aaw, has he got bad wind again?" or "poor thing's hungry" rather than wishing he'd shut up, although I thought that a lot before deciding to see it this way.

More than once I've tucked ds up in his basket and grabbed a coffee/taken a 3 minute shower/stood at the back door and got some fresh air for a minute. Then I go back in and lavish some fuss on him and he usually calms down immediately. He also usually calms down if we go on a tour of the house/if I take him outside for a minute. I put on a silly high pitched voice and narrate the tv show I'm trying to watch (sad, aren't I?) or sing christmas carols at him because I'm crap and I can't remember any nursery rhymes.

Someone told me that getting through the first few weeks was all about managing, and not expecting too much of yourself. This is my mantra! Bumbly, you need to just be kind to yourself and accept all help offered. And if none is offered then ask, because everyone loves cuddling a newborn/giving them a bottle, and it's amazing how much more human you feel after someone takes them off your hands for an hour and you can have a bath or even a poo in peace!

[kittywits]

bananabump, hey after 6 kids I'm still winging it

[jangly]

Bumbly - your doctor could help you. Maybe give you something to calm you and help you over a bad patch.